Disclaimer: Despite my best efforts, I still don't own the rights to Resident Evil

Well, I've finally done it: I've finally posted a chapter for Resident Evil 7! This was pretty challenging to write because the game didn't have the same level of corniness that the other games had. Hopefully I've managed to pump some humor into situation.

…

Deep in the Louisiana swamps, a lone car drove down the middle of a long, beaten dirt road. Like, right in the middle on the road. Leaving no room for any other cars to get through. Inside the car sat Ethan Winters, blond man with an indistinguishable face. He whipped out his cell phone, yes, his cell phone, while driving in the middle of the road, and called someone up.

"Hey, it's me, Ethan Winters, the new protagonist."

"Oh, are you alright? You just disappeared the other night, during my son's school play."

"Yeah, because the play sucked. Anyway, I found Mia. I didn't even know she was missing. She asked me to come get her. I guess they don't have Uber out here."

"Okay, well, where is she, exactly?"

"Dulvey. Dulvey, Louisiana."

"Okay. I should probably ask for more specific details if you go missing too, but, considering you badmouthed my son's play I really don't give a damn. Good luck, buddy."

With that Ethan's friend hung up. Ethan let out a sigh and pulled off the dirt road, parking his car in the middle of the woods.

"Well, this is the place. I'd recognize this specific patch of swamp anywhere," Ethan said to himself.

Ethan walked through a small clearing in the woods, swatting at mosquitoes and stray Spanish moss. Eventually he came upon an old, multiple story home, which was surrounded by cast iron fencing and a large gate. As Ethan got closer he realized the gate was locked.

"Stupid Mia, always playing hard to get," he grumbled, then pressed on the intercom nearby. "Hello? I'm here for my wife…open up, please?"

There was no response. Ethan cleared his throat and pressed it again.

"Hello," he said in a squeaky, high-pitched voice. "I'm selling Girt Scout Cookies."

The gates remained closed. Ethan frowned.

"Damn, I thought for sure that'd work. Alright, looks I'm sneaking in through the back."

As Ethan moved along the side path, he took in his surroundings, commenting to himself the whole time.

"Hm, an abandoned van, some mutilated animals set up into a ritualistic shrine…everything looks normal so far. Wait, what the hell!?"

Ethan knelt down and picked something up from off the ground.

"An unfinished Hostess Cake!? Something's not right here…"

Ethan quickly glanced around, then plopped the remaining snack into his mouth. With that he resumed walking, and eventually came upon another creepy looking house. He went in through the front door, which was wide open, and turned on his flashlight so he could see inside the dark ruins.

"Mia, are you in here!?"

He approached a padlocked cabinet at the end of the hall and yanked on it.

"Mia!? Did you lock yourself in this cabinet!? Knock once for yes, twice for no!"

He waited for a moment. When no response came, he yanked on it again. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a kitchen, to his right. He walked over to a pot resting on the table and lifted the cover, then glanced inside. The pot was filled with moldy food, and various roaches crawled around it.

"Yup, that's Mia's cooking alright."

He then placed the lid back on the pot and walked into the next room. The room was a small hallway with a stairwell, and was littered with trash bags and newspapers. He ventured through the hallway and eventually made his way into the living room, where the TV was displaying static. Ethan blinked.

"Oh, so, only the TV has power? That's…weird."

Ethan explored the room a little bit, but for some reason was drawn to the fireplace. He noticed something metal dangling out of it.

"Oh boy, I hope this leads to a secret entrance."

Just as quickly as he pulled on it, part of the wall next to him mysteriously opened up.

"Score!"

He crawled through the hole, and then down a nearby ladder. After he jumped off from it he walked some more, only stopping when he came upon a flooded section of the basement.

"Damn it, I hate underwater levels!"

Ethan let out a groan, and went right in. He swam for a bit, cursing as he waited for a dry portion of the basement to appear. Suddenly he felt something brush up against him, and let out a scream. He realized that it was the corpse of a man, and let out a sigh of relief.

"Thank God, I thought it was a snake!"

He pushed the body aside and resumed swimming, then finally made his way onto dry land. Ethan walked through a nearby door and found himself in a room with a large cage.

"Mia, if you're not in here I swear I'm gonna turn around and drive home!"

Ethan turned the corner and found a lit up cell. Inside the cell was a bed, on which a woman with long, dark hair was laying.

"Mia! It's about friggin time!"

He walked up to the cell and rattled on the bars.

"Hey! Wake up! It's three in the afternoon!"

Mia continued to lie down. Ethan cursed and grabbed a nearby pair of bolt cutters. He swung it at the chains on the lock, and the chains shattered on impact. He pulled the door open and stepped into the cell.

"Mia, wake up!" he demanded, grabbing her by the shoulders. "I left ice cream out in the car!"

Her eyes slowly opened.

"Ethan? Is that really you? Why are you here?"

"Um, getting you? You contacted me."

"What? No I didn't!...Did I? Shit, did anybody see you? Did…HE see you?"

"He? Who's 'he'?"

Mia looked off the side, and let out a yelp.

"Daddy's coming! We need to leave!"

She charged off, and Ethan chased after her.

"Wait, 'daddy'? Are you cheating on me!? Answer me!"

He followed Mia through the maze of halls, stumbling into newspapers and body parts along the way. Finally, the two stumbled upon a room with a couch and lamp. Mia frowned.

"Damn, there used to be a door here!"

"Is there a piano somewhere?" asked Ethan. "Maybe we just need to play Moonlight Sonata."

"No, there's not. Go check out the other room so we can get separated."

"Uh, okay."

Ethan stepped into the next room over and glanced around a bit. Suddenly Mia let out a scream. Ethan rushed back into the other room and discovered that she was gone; also, there was a gaping hole where the wall used to be.

"Shit, I need to put a friggin bell on her! Mia, wait up!"

He rushed through the new opening and up some stairs. After reaching the final step, he heard a noise behind him. Ethan turned around and saw Mia slowly crawling up the steps. She then stood upright, and pulled a knife out from behind her back. Without any warning, Mia held the knife up and charged towards Ethan.

"Mia!" he screamed, grabbing her arm. "What's the big idea!?"

Mia said nothing, and instead stabbed him in the hand. Ethan screeched and recoiled.

"Hey, that was my girlfriend for the last three years!"

Mia continued charging at him, and Ethan continued trying to hold her back. Suddenly, she stopped, and her expression became more docile.

"I can hear her," Mia breathed, "I can hear her in my head telling me to kill you…and also to rent Frozen." She then clutched onto her head. "DAMN IT! Now she's singing Let it Go! Make it stop, make it stop!"

Mia proceeded to slam her head against the wall repeatedly. After about the fifth time, she passed out and landed on the floor. Ethan stared down at his wife in horror and awe. He then glanced down at his left hand, which was still bleeding pretty bad.

"Looks like I'm gonna be celibate tonight," he grumbled.

Just then, Mia rose back onto her feet. She pushed Ethen through a nearby wall, knocking him into the next room. Mia picked her knife back up and charged at him again. Out of the corner of his eye, Ethan spotted an ax. Without any hesitation, he picked it up and lunged towards Mia. The two engaged in a vigorous fight; each of them pacing around the room quickly while their blades clashed against one another. Finally, with a hard swing, Ethan plunged his ax right into Mia's shoulder, and she fell onto the floor. Ethan stared at her, then blinked.

"Uh, Mia…are you okay?"

Mia made no response. Blood pooled out from under her, and Ethan started to tremble.

"E-Everything's fine! Mia's, uh, just having her period! Yes, that's it! She's not dead! I'm not a murderer! Hehehe!"

The phone started to ring from the hallway. Ethan looked at Mia, then the hall, then Mia, and then the hall. Finally, he rushed over to the phone, picked it up, and answered.

"Hello?"

"I'm your wife now, sugar."

"Uh, wait, what?"

"My name's Zoe. You should be able to crawl out through the attic window."

"Oh, hey, thanks-"

"And into my trailer in the back yard. It's small and blue. Can't miss it."

Ethan stood silently, trying to processes the situation.

"…Um, yeah, I appreciate the offer, but…pass."

"But you haven't even seen me yet."

"Look, Zoe, I'm a happily married…well…married man. At least I think I am. I may have killed my wife; I'm not sure. But, the answer's still no!"

With that he slammed the phone down on the receiver. Ethan moved around the house until he found himself back in the hallway by the stairs. Just then, Mia appeared out of the corner and grabbed him by the hand, looking like her regular, sweet self.

"Oh Ethan, I know you didn't mean to hurt me back there, but," her face contorted into a hideous mess with a deep scowl, "You shouldn't have done that!"

"Hey, how does your face keep doing that? New make-up?"

Mia shoved him against the wall, then plunged a screwdriver through his hand. Ethan let out a scream and struggled to break free, but realized the screwdriver had pinned him against the wall.

"You know Mia, when I asked me to screw me nice and hard, this isn't what I had in mind."

She disappeared for a second, then reappeared with a chainsaw. Ethan's blood went cold as ice at the sight and sound of the machine. As Mia moved closer, Ethan tried harder and harder to remove the screwdriver from his hand. Finally, just as Mia approached him, Ethan managed to break free. The blade of the chainsaw came down towards him, and Ethan raised his hand to shield the rest of his body. Ethan let out a scream of agony and looked down to see his hand sitting several inches from his body.

"You know Mia, I gotta hand it to you: you are one crazy bitch."

"…I'm going to kill you for that pun."

"That's fair," Ethan conceded.

Mia moved towards him again, revving up the chainsaw. As Ethan scooted himself back, he felt something in his back pocket. He reached around and felt what it was, and started to chuckle.

"Oh man, I totally forgot that I brought a gun with me in case things went south."

With that he whipped the weapon out, and pointed it right at Mia. He then opened fire; not stopping until Mia finally dropped the chainsaw and fell face first on the floor. Blood pooled out from her once again.

"Well, I'm sure that this time she's finally dead…why am I so oddly happy about that?"

He shrugged and turned around, but instead of seeing the door to the living room, he was face to face with an older man wearing glasses.

"Welcome to the family, son."

With a single punch the man knocked Ethan onto the floor. This, combined with the ridiculous amount of blood loss caused Ethan to lose consciousness. Little did he know that his horrible night was just getting started.

A/N: Criminy, I think this may have been my longest chapter yet. So, Ethan got pretty lucky that there weren't any poisonous snakes in that water, or any poisonous bugs in the house. Let me know what you thought about this chapter and the fic so far.