Room service

In the midst of the troubles our heroes face, one brave soul enters that midst, that midst filled with both our heroes and villains and some other unnecessary characters as well. That brave soul had no choice. That brave soul was paid to do this.

In the highest floor of The Accursed Tower…

"Hey, I need to go," Pain says with a serious face.

"Go where?" Naruto asks, out of pure curiosity or rather the inability to keep out of other people's business (pun intended).

"You know," Pain says irritably. "Go."

"He needs to answer nature's call," Konan says apathetically.

"Ah. Just use the bed," Naruto says matter-of-factly.

"That's disgusting. Just because you lot have been using that doesn't mean I have to," Pain whines.

"Just go. It's better than vexing the rest of us," Konan snaps.

"It's better than holding it in," Naruto suggests.

"Fine. But I won't like it," Pain says and heads over to the bed. Pain takes one look at the bed and comes back.

"I decided not to answer nature's call," he announces.

"Why? Bad connection?" Naruto smirks.

"…" Pain furrows his eyebrows into a frown. He glances over at the bed and hesitates. "Should I really… answer the call?" Pain's face -.-lll

"You don't want it leaving a message," Naruto cracks and starts bursting into laughter. "Oh, or a sms!"

"He thinks he's so funny," Konan mutters rolling her eyes.

"Dude, that is not funny all right? Enough with the telephone toilet jokes, they're not funny! I seriously need to go!"

"To answer the call," Naruto calls out, rolling on the floor laughing. "Is it ringing in your head?"

Ding dong.

Just then, the doorbell sound was heard out of nowhere and everyone falls silent.

"I don't recall there being a doorbell on that stupid door when I came in…" Sasori says sceptically.

"You probably don't recall what the front of that door looks like because you didn't come in through that door," Ino scorns.

"But he is unfortunately right," Shikamaru says, getting up from where he was sitting, dreaming of clouds. "And that door bell sound did not come from the front door."

Everyone is alert now, and they glance around nervously, except for Sasuke, trying to act all cool and indifferent.

Ding dong.

"Hello, it's room service, may I come in?" A voice calls out.

"Room service?" Even Kakashi looks up now.

"Yeah."

"Umm… Sure?" Sakura replies.

"Kay."

Everyone shuffles in the temporary silence and another ding sound breaks the tableau. Elevator doors open out of nowhere and out comes a bellhop or room service guy or servant or whatever. The elevator doors close behind him but they remain there as if they had been there all along. There're even buttons to push like one would expect of a normal elevator.

"Since when was that there?" Kiba asks incredulously while staring at the room's addition.

"They've been there all along," the room service guy says, a bit puzzled. "It's not like you could use it anyway so I suppose it doesn't matter. It's strictly employees only."

"Employees only?!" Naruto exclaims.

Pain raises his hand. "I want to become an employee."

"I thought you wanted to be ruler of everything… Would you really degrade yourself to a bellhop?" Konan scoffs.

Pain goes into depression.

That aside, the room service guy swiftly makes his way towards the bed. He puts down a briefcase that he suddenly was in possession of and opens it. He takes out a pair of gloves and puts them on. He takes out a peg and clips his nose. He was well prepared. Then, for final touches, he rolls his sleeves back.

Someone in the room gasps. "He's really going to do it!"

"Yeah, I'm going to clean the bed" the room service guy says coolly in a nasal voice because of the peg.

Someone faints.

Dramatic music starts playing in the background. (Preferably Fugue in D minor by Bach) All eyes are fixed at the room service guy's valiant attempt at the bed.

And he begins. The room was still, no one daring to even breathe.

And he finishes.

"Wait, what? You're done?" Temari is shocked.

"Yeah, didn't you see me clean it? I'm gonna clean the floor now if you don't mind. The oubliette is festooned with cobwebs. I need to work on that too." And he was right. The bed was most definitely and undoubtedly clean.

"Where did the soiled bed sheets go?" Tenten questions.

"Right here, in this trash bag." The room service guy holds up a trash bag.

Sakura pipes up. "Since when did you have that with you?"

"I brought it in with me. Didn't you see?"

"We didn't even see the briefcase," Hidan protests.

"You guys creep me out…." The room service guy says while he pulls out a mop from his briefcase.

All eyes are on him as he mops the floor, whistling some oddly familiar tune. Then he stops and groans.

"I thought you guys were using the bed!" He exclaims in reaction to a stinky corner.

"Hey, Akamaru can't help it, he's just marking his territory!" Kiba yells defensively.

"Was it really Akamaru?" Naruto mutters darkly, "or was it you, Kiba?"

Everyone gasps.

"How dare you accuse me of such a thing?! I'm definitely toilet trained." Kiba retorts.

"Oh so you had to be toilet trained?" Naruto sneers.

Kiba and Naruto start bickering before being interrupted by the room service guy.

"I'm done mopping! Time to clean the couch," the room service guy says as he walks over to the couch.

Kakashi glares at the room service guy, refusing to move from his comfortable position, reading his books.

The room service guy's eyes widen. "Or we could skip that… the couch looks clean enough…"

"Hey room service guy!" Shikamaru calls from where he was sitting. "Doesn't this place have a toilet? It's really troublesome with everyone using the bed all the time."

"What are you talking about? Of course this place has a toilet," the room service guy snaps back.

Everyone turns to him.

"This whole time?" Sasuke mutters. "And I've been avoiding going to the bathroom ever since I got here."

"That's rough, buddy," Itachi says, patting him on the shoulder. Sasuke flinches and punches his older brother in the gut.

"Gah! What was that for? And I was trying to be nice here," Itachi growls.

"That's why it's so suspicious," Sasuke says, alarmed. "Keep your distance, I'm watching you…"

The room service guy stares at them, very shocked. "Um.."

"So where is this toilet…" Pain pipes up.

"Yeah, he needs to answer his call!" Naruto cracks up.

"NO! Stupid Kyuubi, I do not need to—"

"It's in the oubliette," the room service guy answers in a matter-of-fact tone.

"There's a toilet in here!?" Jiraiya's voice sounds from the room under them. "I've been using the—no, nevermind, you didn't hear that…"

"There is no need to be ashamed, Jiraiya-sama," Shino pipes up, still very gleeful upon having being untied. "In the situation that we're in, no one's going to—"

There was another ominous thud noise.

"Nothing happened," Jiraiya coughs. "You can just come down here and clean this place too."

"Yeah…" the room service guy trails off. "Ah, let me see… I need to change the towels too. There's a shower room in there. Ah, yes, and the laundry service…"

"What is this place, a hotel?" Pain yells, snapping. "Just get out of the way, lowly mortal! Your god needs to use the—I mean, answer nature's call."

Pain pushes the room service guy out of the way and jumps into the oubliette.

"WHERE IS IT?" Pain roars from the lower floor.

"Geez, it's right there," the room service guy mutters, following Pain into the oubliette. "See? There!"

"It wasn't there when I first got here!"

"It was always there, bozo."

"You dare call me, a god, a bozo? No, I shall spare you because I need to go."

The room service guy cleans up the oubliette while letting the notion of a toilet sink in.

"Hey, I've got to use the bathroom too!" Tenten calls and makes her way down the oubliette.

Immediately, everyone starts rushing for the toilet.

"As the strongest ninja here, I get to go first," Sasuke says, shoving his way to the front.

"Foolish little brother. You lack hatred," Itachi says and attacks Sasuke. "If you cannot even best me in battle, you do not deserve to use the toilet."

"What? That has nothing to do with this!" Sasuke protests and the two of them begin fighting again.

Deidara laughs. "Obviously, we Akatsuki members deserve to go first, hmm!"

"Hey, we've been here the longest!" Sakura calls. "Team 7 should go first."

"No, Team 8!" Kiba calls. "We're more awesome."

"N-n-naruto-kun, y-you can t-take my p-place if y-you want…" Hinata stammers.

"Pft, again, special treatment for the main family?" Neji scorns, glaring at Hinata.

"Team Gai gets to go first!" Lee calls cheerfully, both he and Gai getting worked up.

However, Gai stops him. "No, we must be gentlemen, Lee. Let the ladies go first."

"Gai sensei! You're a genius!" Lee exclaims, turning to Sakura. "Saukra-san, forgive my brashness. Please go ahead."

Everyone stops bickering as a flushing noise is heard. Pain steps out of the toilet, sighing with relief. Before everyone can scramble for the toilet, the room service guy dashes in front of it.

"No! No one goes in until I finish cleaning it!"

"That's not fair!" Kakuzu says, "Why does only Pain get to go in, then?"

"Because I'm god," Pain says.

"No," the room service guy scoffs. "Because the bozo went in before I could stop him."

Everyone starts arguing again.

Outside the room…

Gaara looks at the door with curiosity. "It's getting pretty loud in there…"

Back inside the room…

Somehow during their little fight, Itachi has managed to pin Sasuke to the floor.

"Foolish brother! You are still too weak!" And with that Itachi pushes aside the room service guy, laughing evilly and turns the handle. It was locked.

"Someone's inside?" Itachi gasps.

"Wait, how's that possible, I was standing here!" the room service guy groans.

"Who could it be?" Itachi wonders aloud.

"Why don't you use your sharingan?" Naruto snickers.

"It doesn't work like x-ray vision!" Itachi snaps. "The byakugan works better for that."

"I am not using a rare and powerful bloodline for something as cheap as looking through the toilet door!" Neji snaps.

"It's probably not like you haven't done it before…" someone mutters.

"WHO SAID THAT?" Neji yells.

Everyone falls silent as another flushing noise is heard. There was a little bit of humming and then everyone could hear a shower too.

"Someone's taking a bath in there, too?" Naruto yells.

"No kidding…" Shikamaru mutters…

"I wonder if it's a girl..." Jiraiya grins.

Everyone stares at him, disgusted.

"What? I just… wanted to borrow shampoo…" Jiraiya says. "Uh, girls have that kind of stuff…"

"Anyway," Pain rolls his eyes. "We just have to do a headcount. Whoever's missing is the loser that went inside."

Everyone starts counting and looking around.

"Gaara!" Kankuro calls. "I knew it, Gaara's the one inside!"

Temari slaps her forehead. "Gaara's outside, you nitwit!"

"Oh, right…"

Sasuke stops, realisation dawning upon him. "I know who it is… It's—"

He was cut off as the toilet door opened. Kakashi stepped out, wiping his spiky hair with a towel, still humming. He looks at everyone glaring at him murderously.

"Oh, hey guys," he greets them. "The water's fine."

The room service guy bangs his head against a wall. "I want to get over with this…"

"No, wait, it's my turn next!" Someone yells and the shuffling begins.

The room service guy quickly rushes in and slams the door behind him. "I WILL CLEAN THIS PLACE FIRST!"

Everyone groans. "It's going to take forever…" Kiba mutters.

"Aw, Kakashi, you shed hair, damnit!" The room service guy whines from inside.

"Hey, be glad Jiraiya didn't go in first!" Kakuzu says, snorting with laughter.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jiraiya snaps.

"Well, your hair is spiky and long. Kakashi's is just spiky."

Kakashi removes his headphones. "The next person to insult my hair will be flushed down the toilet."

Kakuzu pondered this for a moment. "Hey! We can escape through the toilet!"

Everyone stares at him, shocked. Pain seems thrilled too. "That's a brilliant idea! Good thinking, Kakuzu!"

"I'd rather stay here," Sasuke began, "Than try to escape down the toilet after Kakashi used it."

Kisame rolls his eyes. "Besides, we're all too big. The only one small enough is that stupid dog belonging to one of the konoha genins."

"Akamaru's not stupid!" Kiba yells. "And I'm not sending him alone! He could drown!"

The door swings open and the room service guy stands there with a look of determination on his face. "I've cleaned it."

The rush begins again and eventually, everyone stands in a line, waiting for their turn to use the toilet as the room service guy finishes whatever he has to do here.

"Alright, I'm heading back now," he states.

"Ha! You're not going anywhere! You're stuck here with us!" Pain says, grinning evilly.

"No, Mr. God. If you were truly a god, maybe you could get yourself out of here. Unfortunately, your powers fall short compared to the great tower god," the room service guy responds in a scathing tone.

"The tower god? Who is this supposed god that you claim to be more powerful than me?" Pain shouts.

"Yeah! No one's more powerful than Jashin-sama!" Hidan calls from his place in the toilet-queue.

The room service guy laughs in a way that unnerves everyone. "Fools… All of you are at the mercy of the tower god. You'll never get out of here!"

Kakashi looks up from his book. "Did someone say something?"

The room service guy walks to a corner of the room and presses the wall as if he expected a button to be there. Surprisingly, the ding of an elevator is heard. An elevator appears and the door opens.

"Out of the way!" The Akatsuki members were the first to rush at the elevator, pushing the room service guy aside. However, when they reached the elevator doors, all they felt was a solid wall before them which they ran into.

"Ouch!" Kakuzu cries as the Akatsuki members bounce off the wall one by one and fall to the floor.

"It can't be- Genjutsu?" Itachi gasps.

But the room service guy just gets up, dusts himself and walks into the elevator. "Nah, nothing fancy. Just a forcefield. I told you the elevator was employees only." And with that, the elevator doors close and the elevator heads downwards and disappears as if it had never been there. The only proof that the room service guy had even been there was that the room was clean and the bed wasn't soiled anymore, along with the very convenient appearance of a toilet.

From outside, Gaara bangs on the door. "Hey, what was all that ruckus in there? I thought I heard an elevator?"

"I'm sorry? I thought I heard an insignificant voice from the outside?" Pain calls.

"Foolish Ichibi, you've got to be one of us to know what goes on in here, it's members-only," Itachi says.

"An Akatsuki member?" Gaara asks.

"No, you need to be one of the people trapped in here because of an idiot like you!" Kankuro snaps.

Gaara sulks from where he is sitting outside. "I don't care! I didn't want to know anyway!"

As he sat grumbling to himself, an ominous shadow falls upon him. A stranger had arrived.

Somewhere in the tower country…

"Kabuto! I thought you sssaid you knew which one it wass?"

"I'm sorry, Orochimaru-sama! All the towers look the same…"

Back in Konoha…

Tsunade takes a sip of her sake. "You know, Shizune? It's actually quite peaceful now that I'm rid of all those idiots."

"Umm, yes, I suppose it is, Tsunade-sama…"

-END-

Note: Hullo. The irony of the special chapter is that it probably has more to do with plot advancement than the usual chapters.