A/N: Holy crap, more Merlin fic. I like this writing one-shots again, it is refreshing. Anyway, the title and song lyrics in this fic are from If You're Into It, by Flight of the Conchords, which I recommend listening to before, during or after your read of this fic. :D I was listening to it tonight and started thinking of Merlin and Arthur and that was it for me. I also imagined the Dragon singing Jemaine's part. Yes. That says nothing but terrible things about me, I'm sure. Anyway. Originally I thought this might be silly porn but it ended up preslash. I fail. Maybe someday I will try the silly porn angle again.

Disclaimer: The characters in this fic belong to the BBC and the song lyrics to Flight of the Conchords. What that leaves for me, I do not know.

If That's What You're Into

by danse

If you want me to, I can hang 'round with you
If I only knew, that's what you're into

"Merlin, you idiot."

"Now, I don't think that's quite fair, Sire--"

"We're at the bottom of a bloody hole and it's your fault. I can't even see you. Why can't you watch where you're going?"

The hole was indeed quite dark; night was falling on the woods over their heads and things all around were getting quite dim. Merlin could barely see the glow of Arthur's eyes, but all the same, he thought he could just make out Arthur glaring at him. If looks could kill.

The (largish) piece of Merlin that had no sense of self-preservation whatsoever wanted to point out the continued idiocy Arthur displayed in constantly dragging him on hunting trips in the first place, when incidents as ridiculous as this seemed to happen with alarming frequency. The saner parts of him promptly assaulted that part and kept his mouth wisely shut. Just because Arthur couldn't see probably didn't mean he couldn't find Merlin to hit him. It wasn't a very spacious sinkhole they were in, after all.

The silence wore on and Merlin's forehead began to feel itchy from the glare his master was presumably still directing at him. He raised his hand partway to scratch it and then thought better of it. And then apparently his mouth regained its freedom from his brain because he blurted, "Um, so... what are we going to do?"

Arthur shifted, disturbing pebbles, and he flinched instinctively, but no blows to the head came his way. Arthur sighed. "I don't suppose you've still got your bag of supplies with you?"

"Er, no. I—I set it down for a second? Right before...."

"Yes, of course. Why not? We can't ever have an easy time of it, after all, can we? Brilliant." There was a repeated dull thumping noise, and it occurred to Merlin that it was possibly the sound of the prince hitting his head against the wall of earth behind him. "Alright, think. Do we have anything we can possibly use to our advantage to get out of here? Anything at all?"

Merlin thought. He only had one tool at his disposal. It was a bad idea to suggest it, probably. He shook his head, remembered they couldn't see each other, and then said, "No, I've got nothing."

Arthur had the short knife he often kept sheathed in his boot and a piece of dried, smoked venison that he'd stuffed in his pocket after their last food break. Merlin could think of no daring escape plan that could be crafted with these objects. After staring in each other's general direction for a few more minutes, they had the idea to get up and feel the sides of the hole around them for dangling roots or something that they might be able to climb. Merlin found a likely-seeming piece but as soon as he'd hoisted himself up to brace his feet on the wall, it had snapped and deposited him on his rear. That had given Arthur a good laugh, despite the situation. So they were left with a knife, some jerky, and about three feet of gnarled root or creeper; what progress.

"Well," said Arthur, "we're not that far out, and they ought to miss me come morning. Surely we can suffer a night waiting until a search party comes. If I don't kill you or die from shame before then, that is."

"That's the spirit," Merlin muttered. He tried to find a more comfortable position amongst the very hard rocks he was sitting on. It was going to be a long night.

About an hour later, Merlin was reminded how cold and damp the ground got at night. It was apparently worse when you were under the ground.

Two hours later, he was almost sure he could hear Arthur's teeth chattering from the other side of the hole, when the sound of his own shivers didn't drown it out.

A few minutes after that, he heard a soft, "Sod this," and then a lot of shuffling and scraping. "Budge over," Arthur said from much closer, settling down on his left and creating lovely, lovely warmth against his side. There was more rustling and then Arthur had thrown his cloak over both of them. Merlin kept facing forward, relishing the increasing heat and feeling every point of contact between them. He was warming up very fast, indeed.

He heard Arthur sigh and shift a bit, as if he was ready to doze off, and of course his mouth decided this would be a good time to spew inanity again. What came out was, "Why did you bring me, anyway?"

"What?" Arthur's voice was thick with tiredness.

"Why did you bring me? Hunting, I mean. Why do you? I just step on sticks when you're about to shoot something, or trip over roots I can't see, or... or fall down sinkholes and grab your arm on the way down." His cheeks warmed with redness and he was glad it was so dark.

"Someone's got to carry my gear around," came the mumbling response. Because of course Arthur wasn't going to carry it.

"Your horse could do that," Merlin retorted. Probably be a good deal quieter, too, he thought.

"Well," Arthur said, yawning, "it's always best to take someone else with you on a hunting trip. Just in case something happens." He rather unnecessarily emphasized the last bit, Merlin thought with a scowl.

"Well... you could take one of your mates too, couldn't you? One of the knights or whoever? I'm sure they'd all be delighted--"

"Merlin. Shut up." He was using that tone that brooked no argument. Even from Merlin.

Usually. "But I don't understand. You always complain when I come with you because I'm not keeping up, or I'm making too much noise, or something like this happens, and I don't see why you keep bringing me on these trips if you don't have to."

Arthur was silent for so long that Merlin thought he wasn't going to answer.

"Mer," he said finally, in the most exasperated tone Merlin had ever heard him muster, "you are my manservant; do not question my actions. I don't need to explain myself to you, and if I want to drag you on every hunting trip I take from now until the end of days then I will do so and you will like it. Anyway, if I have to spend all my hunting trips fighting off bandits, or getting stuck in deep holes with no means of escape, then it might as well be with you. Now do shut up and try to get some sleep."

With that, he tucked the cloak up around their shoulders, leaned into Merlin's side, and apparently went to sleep. Merlin sat there dumbly and listened to Arthur's breathing become deep and even until the darkness in front of his own eyes became dreams.

All the things I do
The things I'd do for you
If I only knew, that's what you're into