-standing at the top of a hill, near the sickest, most evil science facility ever built-
-crowds for miles of beings of all races and species-
Me: Friends! Enemies! Stranger who just showed up randomly! Lend me your ears!
Fang: But not literally, please!
Mr. Potato Head: -puts ear back on-
Me: We are gathered here with one purpose...DESTROY THIS REALM OF EVIL!
Crowd: -cheers wildly-
Me: It's one thing to be evil enough to graft wings on innocent children, teens, and emos. It's another to make horrible Disney Star Clones out of them! This facility must be destroyed once and for all!
King Leonidas: CONQUER!
Hades: Send me some victims!
Santa: Hand me my Naughty List! I need to take notes...
Aro: BLOOD!
Dumbledore: -tosses wand aside- For this, I'll need a Red Vine!
Skittles: FOR NARNIAAA!
Aslan: -roars-
Army of Elves: -war chants-
Legolas: I'll show this featherbrain just what a real elf can do...
Gimli: -eyeroll-
Aragorn: -raises arm- DOWN WITH THE FACILITY!
Everyone close by: -passes out-
Aragorn: ...Oops.
Yoda: Defeat them, we must!
Daine: -leads animals in war cry-
Matthias: FANG SWEEPS MINES!
Evil Ella: DESTROY THE COMPETITION!
Bell: KRILL YUM YUM YUM!
Thousands of Others: -yelling and screaming-
Fang: I might go deaf from all this yelling.
Me: At least they're enthusiastic.
Spiffy: What is Matt yelling about?
Pooky: Fang sweeps what?
Me: Don't ask...
-gunmen run to the roof of the facility and threaten to open fire-
Mack: Uhh...Can anyone here stop a speeding bullet?
Fang: I can. Once.
Mack: -facepalm-
Me: -grins- Let 'em at us...TO WAR!
What Better Way to Wrap Up The Job Listings Column But With James Patterson Himself?
1. Writer: I know, he is one, and I'm glad. But sometimes, well, I get worried... -pokes plotholes-
2. Male Stripper: -dies-
3. Mad Scientist: J.P.- Hey...I can graft wings on people for real! -grabs syringe-
Me- -whacks with herring-
4. Professional Housekeeper: If he can't even keep the plots for his own story organized...
5. Babysitter: One of his own characters was kidnapped, and he still hasn't noticed...
6. Global Warming Activist: Like he isn't annoying me enough...
7. Wal-Mart Greeter: J.P.- Hi, welcome to-
Customer: o_0 IT'S JAMES PATTERSON! -attacks- WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BOOK SERIES? WHY DID YOU CREATE DYLAN? WHY 'FANG'? WHY 'ANGEL'? WHY WHY WHY?
Fang- Saint...Get off the nice Wal-Mart Greeter...
Saint- IT'S J.P.!
Fang- Oh...Carry on...
8. A Fanfiction Writer: He must not tarnish our site with his plotholes...
9. Prostitute: Wouldn't even pay him with Monopoly money...
10. Ella's Personal Speech Writer: Today, in the Evil Ella series...
Ella- I can't use this! There are plotholes in my speech! HOW THE HELL DO YOU GET PLOTHOLES IN A SPEECH?
J.P.- They're not plotholes! They're just...Uhh...Suspense!
Iggy- Plotholes in a speech...That's gotta be a new all-time low...
Ella- That's it...Off with his head!
J.P.- You can't destroy me! I created you!
Ella: -eyeroll- Please. I killed off the entire Flock besides Iggy here. Does killing you really matter?
J.P.- o_0 You killed them?
Iggy: It was all bloody and violent with little explosions. So pretty...
J.P.- What happened to you guys? You've lost your minds!
Ella: The Dark Side, Jimmy P, the Dark Side...Now, I order you hereby serve your mortal punishment with...DEATH BY FANGIRL!
J.P.- -falls through trap door in floor-
Fangirls- -hanging around at bottom- -see J.P.- -scream and attack-
Ella- Look at the limbs fly...
Iggy- Heh...Destruction...
-standing in the bloody, charred remains of the battlefield-
Me: Well, that was fun. -wipes off herring-
Fang: ...Whoa...I'm not even sure what happened.
Spiffy: No one is. She put a freaking Job Listing in the middle of it!
Me: SPIFFY! Fourth Wall!
Spiffy: SHOOT! -runs off to fix fourth wall-
Pooky: -follows-
Mack: You guys are...Nuts.
Me: Thank you.
Matt: -runs by carrying brand-new dog kennel.
Me: Aw, that's nice of him. That should be less cramped.
Fang: -facepalm-
Hades: -walks up- Thank you for the return of my Helm, Saint, Fang.
Me: No problem, Hades, my man.
Fang: Yeah, just keep better track of it next time.
Hades: In return for your services, I give you this gift. -hands out ruby slippers-
Fang: ...Sparkly red shoes?
Hades: Tapping them together will bring you home.
Me: Hmmm... -holds up one shoe-
Fang: -holds up the other-
Both: -tap shoes together-
Hades: You know, I didn't mean right no-
-bright, flashing tornado whips around- -sucks up Saint and Fang-
-both get plopped down back at home-
Fang: ...Wow.
Me: Yeah, what a whirlwind.
Fang: After all of that travelling, fighting, and searching...Now what?
Me: ...Wanna go get pizza and wings?
Fang: I'm all for it.
R&R?
A Final Note
Yes, it's abrupt. Yes, it's sad. But this, my friends, will be the last Job Listings chapter. Why?
1. I've got to much to update and no freaking time.
2. I want to move on to other fics, add some new in, so on.
3. I've practically abandoned it, anyway.
Is this the end of it all? I don't know. I'd like to do more with the Evil Ella series...We'll see.
In the meantime, I must bid you all adieu for now. It's been great fun writing this story but even more awesome to read the reviews and see whose day I could manage to brighten. Thank you for your reviews, people. All of you.
Fang: Now that you're done be sappy...One last post?
Me: Let's post this baby.