A/N: Yes, I was deleted. Again. Why? I still don't know, but I suspect it has something to do with pettiness—theirs OR mine. Am I going to discuss it? Not at all. Enjoy this re-edited reposting (New chapter coming as soon as all the old ones are up). Anyway, the same goes as last time—I keep the original unless I really hate something or I want to add something.

By the way, I looked it up, and it turns out I am NOT violating any of the Guidelines or Terms of Service. "MST," defined as "comments inserted in between the flow of a copied story," is an untrue accusation, as this is all original work, and nothing is copied without permission or plagiarized. It does not contain any lists, polls, bloopers, et cetera. It is more than two lines long. I use spellcheck. None of the characters are expressly based on real people. Author's notes are allowed as long as there are also stories. So, basically, I was deleted, twice, because a few people didn't like my story. If that's all it takes, can I delete Breaking Dawn from existence?

Well, here's my FULLY LEGAL story…

Harry Potter and the Irresponsible Shippers (Sumptuous Edition!)

Originally titled "The Harry Potter Slasher Fic"

Intro.

The other Thursday, as I was scrolling through the legions of HP fics that daily clog my computer's internet browser, I was struck with…not a bolt of lighting…not a giant paper clip…but an actual, honest-to-goodness thought! I thought to meself, Ya know, there are some pretty crazy pairings being shipped in some of these…HP seems to be the only fandom in which there's such an abundance of weirdo slashes and nauseating character combinations. And then I thought, what better fandom, then, to make fun of?

In fact, there is no better. I jotted a few ideas down, and this fanfic was born.

I'd seem, since there's been such a big controversy over this fic, I should put a disclaimer here: I want it to be known that I LOVE Harry Potter and its fandom. I love the ships I make fun of, the fanfics I make fun of (both good and bad), and just the general spirit of the HP community. It's my absolute favorite thing. Otherwise, how could I have written this?

Now, let me tell you how this is gonna work. Each chapter I post will make fun of one crazy pairing or pairing category. All of the pairings mentioned will be from real-live insnane fanfiction, from Snape/Lily to Voldemort/McGonagall. I do the nauseating, stomach-cramping research (by reading said real-live fics), and you enjoy the oddly-shaped fruit of my labors.

Quick-Reference Glossary (for morons who, like me, couldn't figure this stuff out on their own)

Ship: Short for "relationship." A shipper is someone who pushes for a certain romantic outcome in a series. For example, a Malfoy/Hermione shipper would be someone who…wanted Hermione and Malfoy to get together. Of course, that person would also be insnane…

Slash: refers to a homosexual pairing, usually male/male. For example, a story where Sirius and Lupin get it on would be a Sirius/Lupin slash. Of course, that would also be either bad fanfiction, or wishful thinking on the part of the insnane author, or both.

OC: Other character. Also known as "original character," but that is what I call a phrase of questionable accuracy. The phrase refers to any character made up by a fanfic author. Often shares many traits in common with author and, therefore, is often a Mary Sue. This is just another case of wishful thinking…

Mary Sue: an "original" charcter who comes into the previously happy story and captures the attention of a character who already has a canonic relationship. For example, there might be an OC named, say…Anatolia Nakamura, created by Gretchen Wiggerstein of Lamesville, Ohio, who comes in and steals Harry's heart right out of Ginny's hands (figuratively, of course. I mean, I'm PRETTY sure everyone agrees that Harry definitely lives through the series, which would mean Ginny couldn't LITERALLY hold his heart in her hands…). Anyway, that would be a Mary Sue. Read: wishful. thinking.

That's not to say that I don't approve of insnanity or wishful thinking. Just that they're easy to poke fun at.

Aaaaand without further further ado,

Chapter 1: Hermione + Malfoy

One day, Hermione Granger is in the library studying when she suddenly notices that the gormless weasel Draco Malfoy is, in fact, a real-live (male) human being. Her eyes drift toward him, then away. Draco's do the same. At first he wonders why the hell the mudblood scum is looking at him. Then he looks at her again, and finally notices that she is a real-live (female) human being.

Nothing happens that day in the library, nor any time again for the next three or four chapters of angsty fanfiction. Finally, out of random, sudden, uncontrolled lust that pops out of the blue, the ferret and the book nerd (who, it must be said, has punched, threatened, and insulted Malfoy on several occasions) are suddenly making out.

Then, of course, Ron walks in. And he's like,

"Oi, Hermione, what the bloody hell are you doing with that fickle pureblood prince? You're supposed to be with me, remember? The hot redheaded one, with whom you've been through thick and thin, up and down, side to side, this way and that way, diagonally and Diagon Alley? Besides, we're not supposed to like him, remember? JKR still controls the story!"

"Not any more," says Hermione, who has suddenly and for no apparent reason become a femme fatale. "Fandom has taken over, and they like it upsetting, unlikely, foolish, and rough!" and with that, Hermione weaves her fingers into Malfoy's stiffly gelled blonde locks (hmm, trying to make up for anything there, Malfoy?) and starts making out with him again.

Apparently Mudblood doesn't taste as bad as it sounds.

Go to hell, Malfoy.

Back in the common room, Ron is crying/raging/storming about, ranting to Harry, who is seated in his favorite squashy armchair.

"I mean, what is he, anyway? A no-good, low-down, arrogant, dirty scumbag! I mean, what the bloody hell does she see in him? Especially when she should—she should be with—" Ron breaks down, flopping into an armchair and crying because he is a poor deprived ginger kid whose efforts to earn the love of his bookworm bestie are now in vain.

"Aw, cheer up mate," says Harry, "I know he's a complete slimeball, but it could have been worse."

"How?"

"I dunno."

"Go to hell, Harry."

"Treacle tart."

Wow—the original story, almost completely unedited. Here's my original endnote: And that's just a small sampler. Up next: probably Draco + Harry, that fanfic cult which is a cesspool of insnanity.

Reviews make me feel happy inside (especially since some censoring catabolite decided to determinedly decompose my delicious story, seriously severing my self-esteem).