Freddie Says Relapse

[AN: My first Gossip Girl fic. Hope you enjoy. If enough people review, I will post the second half. Takes place after Chuck leave in Oh Brother Where Bart Thou]

I wake up and Chuck is gone. He's left me a note. "You deserve better," it says, and I can't imagine him saying those words to me. But he wrote them; for sure, I know his script. And he's signed it Chuck. "Don't come looking for me." But I told him…I told him I loved him and I would stand by him…

Though it is very early, I feel very hungry and exhausted. So much stress, and relief, and then more of the same. The newlyweds have already left to honeymoon.

"Great," I mutter out-loud, resentful. I know I shouldn't feel this anger, but I just do. I am upset. Mom says 'I love you' and she gets to marry her sweet husband. I say 'I love you' and Chuck runs away, comes back, and runs away again. Bastard. Why do I love him, anyway. But I am sick of this question, this question I keep pondering though I know the answer.

Eventually I stumble into the kitchen. I am still wearing the stunning dress I was at the wedding, the one I was wearing when Chuck was still here before he ran away.

"Away from me. He couldn't be with me…" and I began to cry, selfish tears, selfish and angry tears. The first time I cried the whole time. I wasn't crying for the right reasons, there were so many right reasons to cry right now, at a time like this, on the floor in my kitchen…

I could've been crying because Chuck was in so much pain, or out of joy because my mom married a wonderful man. And yet, I cried because I couldn't be with Chuck. I should've been glad he wasn't there, because he didn't want to be, but I wanted him to be, I needed him to be. For his benefit and by own. Blair and Chuck. Chuck and Blair. Selfish together, happy together.

I caught my own reflection in something. And in that moment I hated myself. Not a good enough daughter to my mother, not a good enough friend to Serena, and not a good enough…whatever I am, whoever I am, whatever I was supposedly to Chuck.

"You're really sweet with him."

I grabbed balls of the silky fabric in my hands, trying to prevent myself from doing the inevitable, the regrettable. But still, weak as I was from rejection, empty as I was without Chuck, I did it, and it felt right. Something Ugly Blair would do.

I stumbled to the refrigerator and I opened the door. There was so much food left from the wedding. And maybe if I ate enough, fast enough, I could make the emptiness go away.

I started with the cake, because it was nearest the front.

"I appreciate the concern."

I scooped it into my mouth in handfuls, remembering, trying to forget with no success…

"I want to be there for you."

Make it stop, please, God, I thought, but the memories and the feelings had spilled all over on the floor and I could not make it stop, make it stop…

"You are not my girlfriend," Chuck in my mind said, over and over and over again.

I could be, I really could, please let me try at least, I wanted to say. But I could not, so I continued to eat and eat.

It was good, the icing from the cake, all over the front of my dress, in my hands; it got in my hair. I ate so much I began to feel sick. I fell to the floor, body aching and sobbing, mind hysterical.

"I love you," the words I had said rang through my head, the look on his face, the way I felt, the way he did not…

I slipped and ran to the bathroom, stuck a finger down my throat, and vomited into the toilet easily. Acid burned by throat and I coughed. I rested my head in my hands.

"Well that's too bad."

"Chuck…" I murmured.

And then someone appeared in the doorway.