A/N: First time ever writing a fanfic – I just fell so in love with Stephenie Meyer's characters that I can't let them be! She of course owns all rights and all that good stuff; I am but an overly inspired creative vessel.

The scene is set in the middle of New Moon Chapter 15 – Bella is sitting on the beach waiting for Jacob to return. She is feeling that old familiar burning and tearing in her chest and desperately wanting to stop it…

I imagined the way Edward's voice would have sounded in my head – furious, velvet, perfect… The burning in my chest flared agonizingly.

There had to be some way to quench it. The pain was growing more and more intolerable by the second. I glared at the cliffs and the crashing waves.

Well why not? Why not quench it right now?'

Chapter 1

The wind was picking up a bit, though it was still not much more than a blustery breeze. I wrapped my arms around myself trying to literally hold myself together, and stumbled off toward the path that would lead to the cliff top above. The sounds of the waves crashing on the shore faded behind me as I made my way up the trail through the forest where Jacob taught me how to ride the motorcycle. I tripped over everything and stumbled over nothing-at-all, frequently throwing my hands out to catch myself. My palms were bleeding and I thought my knees were too, but I'd push myself back up and wrap my arms tightly around my chest again trudging forward.

My vision blurred as hot tears seared my eyes before running down my face. My breath was coming in short uneven gasps and my knees felt ready to melt beneath me. The rain started, and the wind seemed must harsher now, howling almost… or was that the wind after all? I felt someone behind me and I spun around my eyes wide with terror, to find myself inches from Jacob's face.

"Jake," I managed in a whisper before my knees did seem to melt beneath me and I felt myself falling, but instead of the thud and sudden pain I anticipated it was as if I fell into a warm firm cloud. I tried to keep my eyes open, he pulled me into his chest running his cheek against the top of my head. I felt a smile playing at the corners of my lips as I nestled into him, giving in to the darkness that enveloped me.

My eyes felt like there was sand paper beneath their lids, and I was having a hard time clearing the thick fog from my head. I rubbed my fists into my eyes vigorously, trying to force them open. I was on a large bed in a seemingly familiar small room. I rolled over bringing my eyes into focus and recognized Jacob's bedroom. I sat up, perhaps too quickly, as the room seemed to dip and sway momentarily. I flopped onto my back and decided to wait for my equilibrium to balance back out before trying again.

There was a soft knock on the door as it slowly opened. I turned my head to see Jacob peeking around the door; it looked like he was trying not to disturb me in case I was still sleeping.

His face lit up when he saw that I was awake; his big warm grin working its anesthetic magic on my tumultuous insides.

"Bells!" he sighed, relief evident in his voice. He stepped into the room and pushed the door shut behind him.

"How ya feelin'?" he asked, settling down on the edge of the bed beside me. He reached up and moved the stray sprigs of hair from my face, tucking them behind my ear. I could feel the warmth of his skin seconds before I felt his fingers graze my cheek. He took my chin in his hand and pulled my face toward his, his eyes imploring deeply into mine - searching for something hidden in the depths of my eyes.

I brought my hands up to cover his large hand and closed my eyes. I lay there silently as several minutes ticked by, just reveling in the peace of the moment. Breathing him in, feeling his warmth, feeling safe - the pain in my chest was barely noticeable. "I'm fine Jacob," I replied softly. My eyes felt so heavy; I could barely keep them open enough to see him through my lashes. I tried to smile at him, but wasn't sure I had the strength to make my facial muscles work. The darkness reclaimed me.

The next time I opened my eyes it was very dark in the room. Jacob had apparently covered me with a quilt before lying down behind me. I lay as still as I could, not wanting to disturb him as he snored gently and pulled his arm tighter around me. His body heat felt good, and I found myself nestling deeper into him, his breath hot against my neck as he turned his head down into my hair.

The heavy arm that was slung across me moved and I felt his hand on my arm, caressing me, his warm hand rubbing my arm to my shoulder and back to my wrist. He inhaled deeply and then sighed, he wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me tightly up against him.

I turned to him and caught a glimpse of fire in his eyes before he fought to conceal it.

"Where were you going Bella?" He asked quietly, bringing one hand up to stroke my face as he spoke. "What were you doing in the forest when we found you?"

It occurred to me that the fire in his eyes had been anger, I'd gone wandering off aimlessly and gotten lost in the forest; surely that's what he thought. There was no way he could have known my intentions… My desperate need to hear his voice…

I looked away guiltily. "I'm sorry Jake…" I could feel the tears threatening already.

He forced me to look at him; his face was so close to mine… His face was flush, "I don't want you to be sorry Bella," his eyes begged me to let him in, to be honest with him. "I just want to know what you were out there for, you were almost to the cliff top," his brow creased, "surely you weren't going out there to jump?!?! That would have been suicide in this weather… the rocks… the current would have tore you apart!" His black eyes flashed angry, crazed, confused… hurt?

I cast my eyes down, staring at the mattress, unable to meet his questioning gaze. There was no way I could ever make him understand the nightmares, the voice in my head, the agony in my chest – the feeling of being less than worthy, less than complete… Like a chunk of me had been ripped out when he left… that day in the woods… How could I tell him that I just couldn't bear to speak any of their names? Or about the physical pain I felt when I heard any of them spoken?

I tried to look up at him, but I could feel his eyes boring into me, and I could not meet his gaze; I shuddered as a chill ran through me.

"Bella…" he started, "What were you TRYING to do?" He brought his face down closer to mine, trying to catch my eye. "Did you… Did you WANT to hurt yourself?" His voice diminishing in volume, not much above a whisper as the last two words left his lips.

"No." I answered simply and honestly. Gently turning away from him enough to run my cheek briefly against his. I pulled back and met his gaze, wanting to reassure him that I wasn't suicidal. Truly I hadn't meant myself any harm. I WAS going to jump off the cliff, but in the cliff diving sense of the phrase. I was going for reckless… not suicidal. He had enough on his plate without having to do any extra worrying on my account. I leaned in to plant a soft kiss on his creased forehead.

It was actually an embarrassingly stupid idea in retrospect; I hadn't given a second's thought as to what might await me down there amongst the dark rushing waves.

"Totally stupid I will not argue, I obviously hadn't thought it out, but I was waiting and waiting and I was anxious and impatient and bored? And I saw the ledge from the beach and made kind of a snap decision and I was going to cliff dive." I felt like a total idiot.

"I swear Jake, come on… you know me right? Am I really that kind of self destructive?"

He searched my eyes for answers, and I guess he decided I was right. He let out a long deep sigh and pulled me tight against him in a huge bear hug. The air lightened immediately.

He went to his closet and tossed me a huge button down shirt. "You're a mess," he teased. "Shower's the 1st door on the right. Rachel left some toiletries when she came home the last time, help yourself."

"That bad huh?" I asked sheepishly. I felt the color rise into my cheeks.

He just chuckled, "I'll see what I can forage us up to eat while you get cleaned up."

He slipped out of sight around the door and I felt the edges of my shredded middle burn a little hotter with him away from me by any decree.

I grabbed my bag and the gigantic shirt and hurried to the bathroom. I gasped as I encountered my reflection in the mirror. I really did look a mess! My hair was knotted and tangled; my face was dirty and marked with tears streaks. I started the shower and while I waited for the water to warm up I dug my comb out of my bag and started trying to tame my hair.

After my shower I squeezed some toothpaste onto my finger and brushed my teeth the best I could and managed to comb my hair out with minimal loss. I shrugged into Jacob's shirt, inhaling deeply - pleased that it faintly smelled like him. I buttoned all but the very top button and glanced down noting that it came past my knees.