Hello, all! Just a little holiday fic. This is my first Bleach fanfic, and I had to try to keep almost all the characters IC, so be gentle. I think I did a pretty good job, though. This is set anytime before the SS arc.

Summary: Fourth Division Seventh Seat Yamada Hanatarō makes it his mission to interview each and every one of the captains about their holiday plans. Little does he know what he's getting into… Humorous oneshot starring Hanatarō and the Gotei 13.

The camera was pushed up into Commander Yamamoto's face. From behind it, an apologetic Hanatarō held out a microphone with a trembling hand.

"Um…um…and what are you doing for the holidays, Commander?" he squeaked. He could only see one of Yamamoto's eyes, but that was terrifying enough. The man was exerting so much spiritual pressure that Hanatarō was having difficulty standing up. He wished that the camera holder he had enlisted wouldn't hold the equipment quite so close.

Yamamoto glared. Hanatarō squeaked and ran back a few steps. Perhaps this hadn't been such a good idea after all…

"I don't celebrate the holidays," the Commander stated. Hanatarō felt like he was going to pass out. "I don't encourage frivolous behavior."

Hanatarō didn't think the man had ever changed expression in his life.

Soi Fon just looked at the camera. Then she smiled in a way that made shivers run down Hanatarō's spine. "I plan to spend the holidays contemplating the destruction of Shihōin Yoruichi," she told the trembling fourth seat.

"Um…um…and how will you accomplish that?" Hanatarō asked in a small voice. Please, just say something nice for the camera. Anything.

"I will use methods kept safe in my division for centuries on my black cat models," Soi Fon said. Then, noticing the microphone that was waving in front of her face, added, "With holiday spirit, of course."

Hanatarō was beginning to regret ever accepting this job.

Ichimaru Gin smiled widely at Hanatarō, who had stammered out his question with even less conviction than he had had previously. The Third Division captain had always unnerved Hanatarō. He hadn't used to think it was possible to do absolutely everything with your eyes closed. Ichimaru-taichou had proved him wrong.

"I'm going out with some friends," Gin said. "A couple of captains and I have…plans."

"What sort of—"

Gin's smile abruptly disappeared. Hanatarō gasped. The cameraman zoomed close to capture every angle of this historic sight.

"That's none of your business."

Hanatarō was profoundly relieved to be at last interviewing a captain who didn't scare the bejesus out of him. Retsu Unohana was scary, but at least she didn't glare at him, like the Commander. Or torture people, like Soi Fong. Or, y'know, smile.

"Captain? What will you be doing for the holidays?" At last, a normal answer.

Unohana thought about it. "I'll probably be spending most of my time here, patching up any 11th Division members who get too rowdy with their partying." She smiled benignly. "You're welcome to help, of course, Yamada-san."

Hanatarō blinked. "Er…no thanks, Captain. I, um, have this, um, documentary thing…" He sweatdropped.

The seventh seat changed his opinion. His captain was much scarier than the others.

Captain Aizen actually looked happy for the holidays. Behind him, her face rosy, was little Hinamori Momo, who was grinning into the camera. "I don't know," said Aizen easily, "I'll probably spend some time with my division. They work so hard for me all year; they deserve some time off."

Hinamori's eyes shone. "Captain Aizen is so good to us! He really cares about everyone under his command!"

Hanatarō beamed. At last, a normal response, filled with good will and hope! The Fifth truly was an example of a wonderful division with perfect leadership.

Hanatarō's cheery demeanor had pretty much evaporated by the time he and his cameraman reached the 6th Division headquarters. He had always found the air around that place oppressive. The Vice Captain was also really scary. As for the Captain…

"No."

Hanatarō blinked. "What?"

"I don't answer reporters. It's beneath me." Kuchiki Byakuya stalked off, his hair swishing in the breeze behind him. Hanatarō shivered in his wake.

Abarai Renji shrugged. "He's going to see family."

Hanatarō seized the opportunity. "And you, Abarai-fukutaichou?" he asked, shoving his microphone at the tattooed man's face.

"Me?" Renji asked. "Nothing."

Hanatarō could have cried. His mission was an abject failure.

The Captain of the 7th was so tall that Hanatarō had to stand on a stepstool to be seen in the same camera shot. He smiled weakly. "And, um, what are you doing for the holidays, Komamura-taichou?"

The man didn't answer. Hanatarō couldn't see any of his face behind the mask he wore, so he didn't know if the captain was contemplating the question or what. Maybe he was asleep.

Finally: "I'm going to be spending some time with my good friend Tosen," Komamura said.

"Tosen-taichou of the Ninth Division?" Hanatarō clarified for viewers.

Iba-fukutaichou, standing behind his Captain, gave the camera a weird look. "No," he muttered, "The other Tosen who's best friends with Komamura-taichou."

Hanatarō babbled incoherently while the cameraman shook with laughter.

"Why, I'm going to be spending time with my precious Nanao-chan!" the haori-wearing Captain of the 8th exclaimed, attempting to hug the bespectacled woman who stood behind him. There was a thwacking sound and Kyōraku pulled his hand back rather hurriedly.

"I'll be here," Ise-fukutaichou murmured, stowing her fan back in her sleeve as she did so, "working."

"What? How could my Nanao-chan even think of working over the holidays? She must spend her time at parties with me!"

Another thwack. "My Captain will also be here," said Ise, "As soon as his celebrations are over." She paused to consider. "So probably some time in February."

"My Nanao-chan is a cruel woman," Kyōraku told Hanatarō, who was holding out his microphone and staring at the soap opera unfolding before his (slightly glazed) eyes. "But I love her all the same. Ow!"

There was a slight debate by the time Hanatarō reached the 9th Division about whether or not Hisagi, with his inappropriately-tattooed face, should be shown on a show small children would be watching. The Vice Captain himself didn't see any problem with it. The cameraman, who Hanatarō was beginning to regret ever having recruited, thought differently.

"Look, it's not like they're going to know what it means or anything…"

"It's the principle of the thing! How can you even condone—"

"Gentlemen," Tosen interupted, "this debate is meaningless. Let us film the interview, without Hisagi-fukutaichou in the picture."

"But Captain—"

"Enough." The word was said quietly and without inflection, but it was still enough to make Hanatarō cower where he stood a safe distance away. He held up the microphone as Tosen-taichou told the smirking cameraman how he would be spending time with Komamura. Which they already knew, from the 7th Division interview.

Hanatarō hated his life.

There was frost on the air and snow on the ground, but Hitsugaya Tōshirō was dressed normally in a light shirt. His Vice-Captain was wearing a fur-lined coat that still managed to bear the expanse of her massive bosom. Hanatarō's cameraman was so busy looking at her cleavage that he forgot to turn his camera on, so they had to do the entire interview twice.

"So, um, Captain, what are you, um, doing for the holidays?" asked Hanatarō for the second time. Not that the first one had been all that successful…

"I'm spending time with my Granny," Hitsugaya fumed. The little 4th Division member took a step back.

"Anything else?"

"NO!"

Matsumoto giggled and leaned forward, her breasts almost spilling out of her coat. The camera wobbled dangerously. "What Captain means is that he's going to be spending some with Hinamori-chan, too."

"MATSUMOTO!"

Hanatarō left the building at a dead run.

Hanatarō was seriously considereing skipping his visit to the next division. A 4th Division member walking into the 11th Division headquarters and asking for interviews was the Soul Society equivilant of a wounded zebra strolling through a pride of lions. Suicide.

Maybe he would tell the cameraman to go first.

After he replaced the footage in the camera with a new role. Just in case it got damaged.

Uh huh.

Seventeen nerve-wracking minutes later Hanatarō was in and had his microphone aimed at Zaraki-taichou's face. Only to find out that neither the Captain nor the Vice-Captain had any idea what the holidays were.

"Is there candy?" the pink-haired fukutaichou questioned from her perch on her captain's shoulder. "Can I have some, Scaredy-chan?"

"Um, yes, there's candy…"

"Ooh! Ken-chan! Let's celebrate!"

Zaraki considered. "Is there fighting?"

"Um…"

"Let's go, Yachiru!" Zaraki stood up. His one eye glinted evily.

The cameraman backed away slowly while Hanatarō cried in a corner.

"The holiday season is an invaluble time to study the effects of a large amount of alcohol on a group of healthy, fit individuals," Kurotsuchi Mayuri told the camera. "It's quite fascinating."

Hanatarō blinked fast. "Oh?" he managed to squeak.

"Oh yes. In fact—" Kurotsuchi blinked as if struck by a sudden idea, "—Nemu! Fetch the alcohol and a large syringe! We can start the experiments right now!"

Hanatarō made his excuses and ran away while the Twelfth Division Captain was extracting a large pair of tongs from somewhere.

The last division. And the Captain was so nice. Hanatarō breathed a sigh of relief. Nothing could go wrong here.

"So, Ukitake-taichou," said Hanatarō cheerily, "What are you doing for the holidays?"

The white haired man gave a slight smile. "Well, I thought I'd—"

"CAPTAIN!" The shout came simultainiously from the two people standing to either side of Ukitake. Hanatarō groaned.

"Captain! I will be getting my Captain a gift!" Kotetsu Kiyone shouted at the camera.

"Shut up monkey face! I will be getting my Captain an even better gift!" Kotsubaki Sentarō waved his arms in the air to emphasize.

"As if, ape boy!"

"Rat girl!"

"Stupid head!"

"—spend some time at home, you know, alone, in the peace and quiet…" Ukitake continued rather wistfully. Hanatarō felt for him.

"My gift will be TEN TIMES better than yours!"

"In your dreams! My perfect gift for my captain will far surpass anything your tiny little brain could ever come up with!"

"You…"

"YOU!"

Hanatarō nodded politly to Ukitake and edged out.

Viewing the footage later Hanatarō decided that the only interview that really expressed the spirit of the holidays was the 5th Division's. Maybe he would only show that one.

After all, who had more goodwill than Captain Aizen?

Smiling, little Hanatarō packed up his bag and headed back to the 4th Division, dropping his (useless) cameraman off at the 10th Division compound on the way.

The original idea for this was a little ficlet involving the two third seats arguing about who could get Ukitake a better Christmas gift. This is what it evolved into...Hanataro is just so sweet and naive; he makes me happy.

Anyway, if you liked it, or had any comment at all, including ConCrit, please review. Anonymous reviews are great, too!

Happy holidays!