Chapter One:
The Clumsy Pickup Lines of Bighead Boy

It was just another day in Potions. The only entertainment was the occasional prank on Snape and James making a fool of himself in front of Lily. The man seemed to be going for some world record. From what he could hear, Peter could tell that this was not going to be James Potter's lucky day.

"All right, Evans?" James called to her in an unnaturally low, deep voice. Peter assumed James was going for matured and sexy, but it came off a little raspy and full of phlegm. Lily pretended he wasn't behind her. James, a little dejected, began helping Remus cut up the valerian roots and dropped it into their cauldron. Sirius and Peter, who were sitting behind James, shared a look between them, suppressing a laugh.

"Ten minutes till next clumsy pickup line," Sirius said under his breath to Peter.

Peter grinned, "Bet you seven knuts he'll try sooner."

Sure enough, James cleared his throat, and spoke out to Lily in less than a minute. James called out loudly, "So, Lils, how about that Quidditch match between Hufflepuff and Gryffindor next weekend? Feel like cheering me on?"

Sirius peered round Remus in front of him to see Lily squaring her shoulders, suppressing rage which James would have naturally confused for lust. James groaned in frustration at Lily ignoring him. James looked around, thinking fast. Suddenly, struck with a brilliant idea, James made a mad dash to the supply room, and came back with bottles of leeches.. James gave Remus an evil smirk, and Remus' eyes widened. Remus threw his body over the cauldron, shielding it from James' bright idea, while James tried to pry him away from it.

Remus implored him, "No, Prongs! I'm failing! Please!"

"Come on, Moony! Live a little! Besides, Evans will fix it!" James gave one final tug and pulled Remus away from the cauldron. He dumped the contents of the slimy bottle into their cauldron, which made it hiss and spark. Remus turned in his chair to give an exasperated look to Sirius, who just grinned.

James waited a moment, before his grand act to get Lily to speak him again, "Er … Evans, it looks like my Potion isn't turning lavender yet, what did I do wrong?" James asked, feigning concern over his purposefully botched experiment.

Unexpectedly, Lily turned around patiently.

James gave her a cocky grin. "Knew you couldn't resist my charm, Evans. So how's about that Quidditch match next Sunday? I'll let you wear my Captain's badge. I just polished it." He reached down to his robes, unpinning the broomstick badge and winking at her. But Remus knew enough of Lily's temper to hit his head repeatedly on the desk. James looked confusedly down at his Potions partner, who was giving himself a concussion, when Lily walked slowly up to him dangerously. Her green eyes were blazing with rage, and her hands were clenched at her sides.

She was inches from James' nose, and she said angrily, "You are the most infuriating, self-centered, obnoxious, repulsive worm I have ever had the misfortune to meet. Ruining Remus' potion just so you could ask me out, you're DISGUSTING! If you ever – ever so much as look in my direction again, I will hex you so badly you'll wish you'd never met me!" She turned swiftly back to her desk.

James held up his hands, "Easy, Evans. I just –"

"Don't!" She turned around, her red hair whipping furiously, "Ten points from Gryffindor for misuse of potions ingredients! Five points for disrupting the class! Fifteen points for ruining another student's potion!" She was pointing her wand at James, sparks flying from it. Her eyes were threatening him to make her angrier.

Sirius whistled. Remus was casting furtive glances at James, willing him to stop, but James didn't catch on.

James protested angrily, "You can't do that to me, Evans! I'm Head Boy!" But still looking impressed at Lily's cheek, James said cockily, "All right, Evans, we'll play that game." He lowered his voice to a deep growl, "Fifty points to Gryffindor because you're gorgeous when you're angry. A hundred points for that sexy hair flip just now–"

Peter just couldn't look anymore. This was only going to get ugly. Lily was getting so angry; it was almost as if she was growing taller. James cowered. Both he and Lily were oblivious to Slughorn behind them, who was inspecting the Potions of the students in the front of the class.

"FIFTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR BECAUSE I CAN"T STAND YOU AND YOUR FAKE, OVERBLOWN, SNOTTY VOICE!" Lily shrieked.

"I'll stop doing that voice if you'll go out with me." James said simply.

She growled angrily. She turned on her heel furiously, reaching for her heavy book Advanced Potion-Making on her desk, and she began swatting him over the head with it.

"Ow! Evans! Stop!' James said, holding an arm over his head, trying to run away from her.

"Don't EVER ask me out again, Potter, or you'll live to regret it!" She shrieked, grabbing her books, throwing her bag over her shoulder, and stormed out the dungeon.

The class was silent.

Suddenly, Slughorn chortled merrily, "Ah, young love!" He walked over to James, who was massaging his bruised head, "Don't worry, m'boy," He said, patting James' shoulder sympathetically, "The lady doth protest too much." Slughorn tapped the side of his nose meaningfully.

Slughorn walked over to Lily and Marlene's potion, inspecting it, "Another perfect concoction! Tell Ms. Evans that she is looking at a bright apprenticeship at Slug and Jiggers' Apothecary." He said to Marlene, who nodded quickly.

He peered over at James and Remus' hissing potion and recoiled. "What in Merlin's name is this?" Slughorn pulled out a shriveled leech sticking to the side of the cauldron, looking at it in bewilderment. He walked away from their table disappointingly. Remus gave James a withering look, and James had the good sense to look ashamed.

Sirius leaned over his table, tapping James on the shoulder, "You know, Prongs, Evans was right. Your 'Lily Voice' has got to go."

James turned around to Sirius, ignoring his advice, "I don't understand her. One minute she's all over me, and the next minute she's cursing me to oblivion."

Peter looked confused, "When was she ever all over you?"

Sirius chortled.

James continued to talk to thin air, his eyes slightly glazed, as if talking about some delicious dessert, "Evans ... she's so ... And her hair! Her hair ... it's so … so … "

"… Red?" Sirius provided helpfully, but James was too thick in passion to hear anything.

James continued, ignoring the corporeal world around him, "And her eyes – her gorgeous, green eyes! She's so mysterious. She's so … saucy."

Remus raised an eyebrow, "Did he just say saucy?"

Peter nodded.

They could hear Slughorn vaguely dismissing the class behind them. The Marauders emptied their cauldrons, and made their way out the dungeons to the Common Room. Walking lazily, James was still staring blankly ahead.

He sighed, "When will she realize that we're supposed to be together? Time's running out. I'm not going to be this good-looking all the time. Sooner or later, my looks and charms will go …"

Remus laughed, "And all that will be left is the Potter inheritance and your nicked Quidditch paraphernalia. However will you carry on?"

James grinned. Suddenly, he leaned in, almost as if whispering a secret, "You know, when she yells at me," He said in a low voice, "It's all I can do not to snog her senseless right there."

"We know." The three said in bored unison.

"Damn," James muttered suddenly, stopping in his tracks to look at his watch. "I've got Quidditch practice! I'll see you later!" He ran down the hall and out of sight.

The three of them stopped, staring off at where he had just disappeared.

"He's got it bad." Peter said.

"It's only getting worse." Sirius said.

"And she's getting angrier." Remus said.

There was a pause.

"We've got to do something." Sirius whispered feverishly, his eyes dancing with excitement. He looked at Remus, who was backing away slowly. "Nothing illegal, Moony," Sirius barked, pulling Remus back by the collar before he got away, "Just something to help our little pronged friend along."

"Do I have to be part of this?" Remus sulked.

"Yes!" Sirius said emphatically, "Why Moons, you know you're the brains of this outfit! We couldn't go on without you!"

Remus narrowed his eyes, but there was a smile creeping on his lips.

Peter's eyes were bright with mischief, "All right, then, what's the plan?"

"You'll see." Sirius said with a wink, "Meet me tonight behind the statue of the One-Eyed Witch. But I've got to go to Hogsmeade first – store up on some supplies from the Apothecary. Remember to nick Prong's cloak, all right, Wormtail?"

Remus chuckled suddenly, "You can't help looking out for your mates, can you?" He ruffled up Sirius' hair, "Admit it, It isn't so bad using your evil powers to help another wizard in distress, is it?"

Sirius laughed, slipping out from under Remus, "I don't know what you're talking about. I'm only doing this for a laugh. And we'll be sure to have some fun ourselves during Operation Bighead Boy!"

Remus threw up his hands in defeat, though he was in good spirits, "You'll never change, will you?"

"NEVER!" Sirius barked, as he ran down the hall.

As they walked to their common room, Remus exhaled sharply to Peter, "Tell me I'm not going to regret this, Wormtail."

Peter laughed, "You'll see, Moony, this is going to be one for the history books!"

"Yes," Remus said sardonically, "Getting James Potter and Lily Evans together ... mission: completely impossible."

Peter didn't say anything, even if agreed with Remus on that. This was going to be their most difficult task ... even harder to pull off than that time they tried to convince McGonagall that Dumbledore's socks were eating the missing scones from the kitchens when it was really Peter.

"I wonder what stupid tricks Sirius has up his sleeve," Remus mused, bringing Peter out of his thoughts, "Knowing Sirius, they must be really, really, really, really stupid."

Peter grinned, "You're not afraid of what Lily would do to us if she found out, are you?"

Remus stopped, "How'd you know?"

"A rat's instinct," Peter shrugged. "Don't worry, once she's in love with James, she won't mind at all that we meddled around in their romance."

Remus sighed, "I always knew we were going to get killed by her." He shrugged, as if giving up, "But if we're going down, we'd better go down in style, right?"

Peter slapped Remus on the back, "There! That's the spirit!"