A/N: And this one is the last chapter…
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5: About Falling In Love
And then Sirius wanted to hit himself. Of course Remus didn't push Jones away. Sirius couldn't see Remus' eyes, but probably the boy was as eager as she was. It was disgusting and wrong and -
Besides the fact that it wasn't surely wrong. This was everything Sirius had hoped, and now the only reason why he didn't intervene was the fact that Remus would have killed him. Or worse. Remus could have figured out why Sirius would have done it.
"Remus", said Jones with her soft, nasty voice. "Could you give me a piece of advise?"
"No", hissed Sirius.
"Yes", said Remus friendly. "Go ahead."
"I was thinking, well, you know…"
Oh Merlin. Jones was blushing. This couldn't possibly end well. Would Remus kill him if he leaned to bookshelf a bit too roughly and it fell to hit girl's head?
"…I kind of like a boy", Jones continued looking straight to Remus' eyes. "He's very nice, and good-looking, and I can't get him out of my mind. I was just thinking, well, how should I go forward with it?"
Remus blinked. He looked confused, but also a little… happy? Relaxed? Oh no.
"You want me to tell you what to do with a boy?" Remus repeated. "With some particular boy you're fancying?"
"Yes." Jones sounded like a cat preparing to purr.
"Er", said Remus, very confused. "I think you'd better tell him. I mean, isn't it the normal thing to do?"
"Well, then", said Jones very warmly and Sirius wanted to kill her. Or maybe himself. He should have been cheering from a pure joy and here he was, making a list of possible ways of killing Jones. There were plenty, by the way.
"Remus Lupin, I like you. Very much", Jones said.
Sirius swallowed.
The expression on Remus' face turned disturbingly slowly. The glance on his eyes became frightened and shocked.
Relief flushed through Sirius' veins.
"I'm sorry", Remus muttered. "Really sorry. I know I have smiled to you and so on, but I… I don't really like you that way. You're very nice, but… I just can't."
Sirius wanted to hug him. Well, he had wanted to hug Remus many times before, but this would have been an INNOCENT hug, just because Remus had just made him feel so… relieved. He felt like an air balloon on the sky, even though he should probably have been sad.
"Why?" Jones asked, sounding a little desperate. Now Sirius wanted to hug her, too, because she wasn't apparently someone Remus would have fancied. Poor girl.
"You just… well… I just don't fancy you", Remus said sadly. Sirius couldn't understand, why Remus was sounding like that. JONES should have been sad, not Remus!
"Do you have someone else?"
Sirius felt his throat thickening disturbingly fast.
"Perhaps", Remus said. "Or… yes. But, er, the person doesn't know it. So it's not like I would have been seeing someone."
"Well", Jones took a deep breath, "I got it. I guess I have to let you be, then."
"Katherine – "
"I think I'm going to leave." She stood up. "Bye then, I – SIRIUS BLACK?"
Sirius grinned. It was probably just an instinct, because when he considered it, disbelieving and very angry Katherine Jones standing in front of him when he had been hiding from her wasn't really the first thing in his list to grin at.
"SIRIUS?" Remus called out, also disbelieving. "PADS? What the heck are you doing here? In the library? Don't you… were you LISTENING to us?"
"Did you know about this?" Jones shouted her eyes in Remus.
"NO! I swear! I didn't ASK for him to come here – "
"So he just happened to be here? Remus, I thought – "
"I don't know what he's been doing here." Suddenly Remus sounded very tired. "Honestly. He's just a curious git, I guess."
Jones opened her mouth, but her words seemed to get stuck on his throat. In a few seconds, the girl had turned her back to them and rushed out from the library.
And then there were just they two. Remus was standing in front of Sirius looking angry and disbelieving and disappointed, and Sirius found out that it felt even worse than usually.
"Couldn't you possible use your brain, Sirius?" Remus hissed. His real name sounded distant and cold in Sirius' ears. "You just don't go around and listen other people talking about their own personal issues – "
"Sorry", Sirius muttered.
"Oh, please, shut up", Remus barked, but didn't suddenly seem so angry anymore, just tired. "I get it. I should have known that you're a complete jerk who can't mind his own business."
"I'm not – "
"You ARE." Remus threw a faint glance at him. "I need to get away from here."
"Were you serious?"
"What?" Remus turned around.
"About what you said to her? That you don't fancy her?"
"Sirius Black, I have told you hundreds of times, that I don't fancy her or any other girl. Could you just go and be someone else's trouble?"
And he left. Sirius stared at the door closed by him and tried to realize, why he felt like something in Remus' words hadn't been in the right place. There was something that was really disturbing him, like a gap between what Remus had said earlier and what he had said now, but Sirius couldn't really think clearly enough. Well, it hadn't probably been anything important.
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"Are
you avoiding me?"
"No."
"Are you talking to me?"
"Not really", Remus said behind his book.
"Why?"
"I'm reading."
Sirius sighed. Remus had been reading since Sirius had entered the dormitory, and it had been three hours ago. Sirius hadn't really known that he had this much patient. Remus didn't want to talk to him, and for some reason he couldn't just forget it and do something else.
"Are you angry?"
"No."
"Moony!"
Remus put his book away. Sirius couldn't help a little smile escaping through his face. At least Remus didn't seem to be angry, and he looked at Sirius. It was a good sign, wasn't it?
"Pads, listen. I just had to tell a nice girl that I don't like her, even though I had probably made her believe so. I don't feel like talking right now."
"Are you sad?"
Remus looked distracted. "Well, I'm not sure. Not really. But I wasn't suppose to let her hope."
"But I was pushing you."
"Shut up", Remus grinned and then sighed. "Yeah, you were. But I knew I shouldn't have listened you in the first place. Really, you giving advice about relationships? I knew it was crazy. I shouldn't have believed you."
"Why did you?" Sirius wasn't sure, why he was asking all these question. It just… Well, Remus was speaking to him now, who knew how long he was going to keep on doing it? And for some reason Sirius really wanted these answers.
"Maybe I thought I should have a girlfriend", Remus said very slowly. "Maybe I thought it would have been a normal thing to do."
"None of us has a girlfriend", Sirius reminded. "Not me, nor Wormtail or Prongs."
"It's not the same."
"Yes, it is."
"No. You've had at least five girls. Not such long relationships, but still. And Wormtail was seeing that blond Ravenclaw at least for a month last spring."
"Yeah, but Prongs has no hope."
"He has a girl, the girl hasn't just got it yet."
"So he hasn't."
"But if Lily ever likes him, they are going to get together", Remus said. "I'm not."
"With Evans? I hope so!"
"With any girl."
Sirius sighed. "Why? Where's your proud, Moony? If you are thinking those scars again, I can assume you that they are just hot - "
He swallowed. Remus was looking at him very carefully, frowning slightly. Eventually, Remus let his glance to drop to stare at his hands and Sirius took a deep breath.
"I'm not talking about scars", Remus said, "I'm just… I don't… I don't even know what I'm talking about. I can't just picture myself seeing someone, right?"
Sirius should probably have denied the claim or at least shook his head, but he couldn't do it. He was just beginning to realize that Remus wouldn't end up being together with Katherine Jones, and, what was even better, Remus wasn't angry with him.
When the boy eventually shrugged and returned to glare at his book, Sirius couldn't help himself watching him. Remus looked so serious while reading. Occasionally his eyebrows rose a little or he made a little gesture of sniffing, and a few times he shut one of his eyes like he had been thinking really hard. Sirius was quite sure that he wouldn't be hurrying to get back to the girlfriend issue.
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"Have
you ever fell in love?"
Remus looked at James in a quite confused way. Sirius tried not to stare at him, but it was beginning to be almost impossible. He blinked and tried not to look like he was listening their conversation. He didn't probably succeed in it, but what was the problem? James surely knew that Sirius was going to listen, even though he had managed to be silent past five minutes. If James had wanted to talk with Remus alone, he would have gone somewhere far from Sirius and Peter, who was making his Potion homework.
"Moony?"
Remus looked uncomfortable. "Er, I… Why are you asking?"
"I was just thinking", James said innocently, but the second the words had slipped away his mouth, his expression turned into much more sober and sad. "I've been trying to smile to Lily, and nothing is happening. Lily just looks at me like doubting if I'm going to bite his head off or something. And then I try to ignore her and she seems to get even angrier. And if I try to suggest her something, she hits me, and then I try to ignore her again and she seems like she WANTS to hit me."
Remus didn't apparently know what to say at all. "Prongs, I don't really know much of girls…"
"I'd like to get her out of my mind", James said fiercely, "but then she passes me by and I can't help it, she's just so much more EVERYTHING than anyone else, and I can't forget her…
"Er, why don't you try to ask Pads?" Remus suggested carefully.
"Pads doesn't know how to have a proper conversation."
"Well, he surely knows more about girls than I do."
"Why? Lily talks to you – "
"Yeah, about school."
"I tried to talk with her about school once and she just walked away."
"I'm sorry, Prongs." Remus' voice was almost desperate. "You really should try Padfoot. He has had a lot of girlfriends and I have had none."
"But you're cleverer."
"He could try to get you together with Lily."
"You're trying to avoid his help."
"Yeah, but I don't even want any girl – "
"Don't you really care for anyone?"
"Er, not exactly – "
"I've known all the time that Sirius is just a moron trying to make you like someone – "
"I'm still here, you two!" Sirius called out. "Couldn't you at least pretend that you like me?
Both boys turned to look at him.
"I thought you were thinking", said James and grinned, "or not really. I just thought you weren't listening. Your mind seemed to be somewhere else."
"Where should it have been?" Sirius asked annoyed.
"Well, I don't really want to know about your fantasy world – "
"Shut up, Prongs."
"I'd be delighted to", James said with a broad grin that lowered into a tired smile. "I don't really know what I'm going to do with Lily. Nothing's working."
Sirius shook his head. Maybe it was time to leave the dormitory. This was apparently one of the days, when James couldn't simply think anything else besides Evans. Let Remus handle him and the conversation about something like love.
Besides, Sirius felt his throat thickening and panic beginning to rise, when he thought about Remus and love in the same sentence. Merlin, he had surely lost his mind. Liking Remus in a little unconventional way and thinking about love were two definitely different things, and he would have loved to throw them both away from his messed mind.
He had already reached the door, when he heard Remus swallow.
"Afterwards I'm not going to confess having said this", Remus began speaking with a quite distracted tone, "but maybe you should simply show Evans how you're feeling."
"I've been doing it since third grade!"
"Yeah, but you're changing the way all the time. Maybe she doesn't know what you're really up to."
"After all the smiling and date-suggesting?"
"And all the ignoring and bulling, when you were still in the third grade and thought that the best way to get a girl is stealing her books", Remus said dryly. "Really, Prongs, if I was Evans, I'd be really confused."
Sirius shut the door very quietly. James and Remus seemed to be so deep in their conversation that neither of them noticed him leaving. Leaning against the closed door Sirius heard Remus' low, hesitant voice.
"I think, when you really like someone… eventually you have to show it. You can't keep it inside forever."
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James
looked like he had rushed into a mountain made of gold. Or into Lily
Evans.
"I made it!"
"What?" Sirius got frightened. "Did you turned Filch into a frog? Without me? Prongs!"
"Shut up", James said cheerfully and sat down to his bed a broad grin tattooed on his face.
"No", Sirius denied. "We were talking about the frog issue at the breakfast. I wanted to be involved - "
"It's not about frogs", Peter guessed. "That's the Evans smile, not the frog smile. Prongs, what did you do? Is Evans all right?"
"Is she alive?" Sirius wondered.
"You two should get your heads eaten by a dragon", James wished smiling. "No, I haven't turned anyone into a frog and yes, Evan's all right. She's more than all right, in fact. She's going to help me with Potions."
There was a short silence in the dormitory.
"WHAT?" Peter called.
"POTIONS?" Sirius barked. "And that's what you're grinning at with your face looking more stupid than Wormtail's, when he got a date with Kylie Callaghan?"
"I wasn't looking that stupid!" Peter denied quickly.
"You were."
"It's not possible."
"Don't you realize?" James interrupted them, still grinning. "She's going to help me with Potions. She has promised to spend some of her spare time with me. Until this, she hasn't even looked at me!"
"Besides the smiling a few days ago", Peter reminded.
"Yeah", James sighed happily. "I thought it was the best moment of my life, but this was far better."
"How did it happened?"
It was Remus. Sirius turned to look over his shoulder to the corner of the room, where Remus was sitting on his bed and watching James with a careful smile on his face. Remus looked so patient, and so… serious, and Sirius didn't even want to tease him about it.
"She was sitting in the common room", James began, "and I just went there and sat down next to her. And I smiled. It wasn't so bad idea, after all. And I said I was sorry about being such a jerk and that it's just because I like her and I have a great ability of embarrassing myself in front of her and trying to impress her and then just embarrassing myself a bit more. And then she laughed."
"Laughed?" Peter frowned. "She laughed at you?"
"WITH me", James corrected, "or at least not in a mean way. And then she smiled and didn't look like planning to hit me, and so I went on. And I asked her if she could help me with Potions, and she said yes."
Peter swallowed. Remus smiled. Sirius had an odd feeling that the world had turned around.
"I need to get some air", James said suddenly.
"Remember to breathe", Peter called after him.
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Two
hours later James hadn't come back, and Peter had gone to find him.
Sirius was quite sure that it was because he and Remus were so boring
company at the moment. Sirius knew that he should have tried more: he
was probably acting very weird, but his mind was full of colliding
and escaping thoughts. He was able just to sit there on his bed and
try not to stare at Remus, who was writing something.
Sirius would probably soon have a headache. Thinking didn't clearly make any good for him, but he couldn't stop it.
James had got Lily Evans, or not maybe exactly, but he was much nearer the target than he had ever been before. James had got Evans without Sirius' help, and his attempt to help Remus in the same issue had just turned into something weird with him kissing his friend drunk and then finding himself considering him cute.
Sirius didn't definitely know what to think.
"Pads?"
He blinked. Remus was staring at him with a weird expression on his face. The boy seemed confused or even scared.
"Were you listening, when I spoke with Prongs yesterday?" Remus asked with a careful tone that made Sirius' heart go faster. "About, er, liking someone?"
Love. It had been about love. Sirius felt a sudden urge to escape, but he couldn't move when Remus was staring at him like this, so… almost intense.
"Yeah", he said. "I mean, you both knew I was here, and you still kept on talking - "
"I'm not blaming you", Remus said quickly. "I just, you know… I said… that when you like someone, it's going to like burst out eventually?"
"Yeah. I heard it."
"Well, I…"
Remus shut his mouth and swallowed. Sirius almost heard his breathing or the blood running through his veins, it was so silent.
"There was… another reason for why I didn't want you to get me a girlfriend." Remus laughed a little. "Well, a reason why I didn't want a girlfriend in the first place. I… I guess I don't like girls."
Sirius swallowed. "Well, you have told me that. You told me that there's no any particular girl in your mind - "
"I don't like girls", Remus repeated in a nervous, strained voice. "Not at all. I don't want to kiss a girl, I don't want to stroke a girl, I just… don't fancy girls."
Sirius stared. He wasn't sure if he had understood what Remus was saying and then, slowly, the words got into his mind and he blinked. Remus was looking at him with a scared look on his face and he wanted to say something but he couldn't possibly think what he should have been saying.
"Are you disgusted?" Remus whispered. "Pads, please, I'm sorry - "
"No", Sirius gasped trying to find words for something he couldn't even figure out in his own head.
"Don't be sorry. You… I… I'm not… disgusted. I'm not disgusted, really, Merlin, no."
"You look upset", Remus said slowly, but his face wasn't maybe as scared as it had been a few seconds before.
"So do you."
"Well, yeah, I… I thought you would be… more shocked…"
"Well, I'm…" Sirius shut his mouth. He didn't really know, what he was. "Why did you tell me?"
Suddenly Remus looked even more nervous, if it was possible. He stand up and Sirius thought that he was going to go to the bathroom, but he then stopped aside Sirius' bed and stared at him with his big, scared eyes. Sirius had no time to think or consider or even move back, when Remus had bent down and kissed him.
Sirius couldn't breathe.
Besides, he didn't miss breathing.
He felt Remus' lips very carefully and shyly on his own, smelled the scent of Remus' skin and felt the fingers that were now leaning gently against his cheek. He kept his eyes closed and just hoped that no one would enter the room.
Sirius stood up. Remus tried to move back but he didn't let him, he just grabbed Remus' arms and pulled Remus carefully against him. He felt Remus short breaths on his face and it felt just incredible, to have Remus so near that he could sense him breathing besides hearing it, and at the same time he felt more afraid than he had ever before. His stomach was full of animals trying to fly away, not just butterflies but something much bigger, like cats or maybe lions, and his hands were shaking when he touched slowly Remus' neck and cheeks.
And then their lips were together again. Sirius wasn't sure, who was kissing whom, but Remus' lips were now narrowing slightly and he tasted so incredible, so Moony, a little like coffee and a little like breakfast and very much like Moony.
Remus moved back when Sirius was just beginning to realize what was happening. He opened his eyes and saw Remus looking at him with an expression very much alike the one before kissing, scared and perplexed, but now amazed, too. Sirius didn't want to think how his own face looked like, or his own eyes. His head felt like it would have been able to explode in any moment.
"Was it an accident?" Remus whispered in a very low an quite hoarse voice that made Sirius quiver. Remus' eyes were wide and there was an open question in them, and, if Sirius had learned anything about his expressions during the yeas, there was also a word: please.
Sirius shook his head.
"I'm sorry", Remus said quickly. His voice was beginning to tremble. "I just… when we kissed in Hogsmeade, I just couldn't get it out of my mind… I wasn't interested in getting a girlfriend earlier, either, I didn't just want to, and then it began to feel just impossible… and I realized that I liked you, really, Pads, I'm sorry, I tried to deny it but I couldn't, and then I was keeping it inside and felt like exploding all the time, and you were just trying to get me a girlfriend, and I didn't know what to do so that I wouldn't lose everything, and then… then I was talking to James about confessing, and I couldn't keep it anymore…"
"Shut up", Sirius said and kissed him.
Ten minutes later Sirius head was still fuzzy, messy and full of Remus, but, nevertheless, he felt better than he had for a long time. What had he been thinking, anyway, trying to get Remus a girlfriend? Mission was definitely impossible.
THE END
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A/N:
There it was. Thanks so much for all the reviews! I didn't know
what to expect when I published this fic, since this is my first that
was written in English, and I'm so happy you've read this and
wrote reviews, too. This is the last chapter, then, and I hope you
like the ending. I've already began to write next fic, it's
called For Some Reason and can be found here in . If
you happened to like this one, please feel free to check that, too
:)
Thanks to all of you for reading!