Guilt's Cost: Part I

Solitude's End

By Kristen Willams

Vincent sat alone, perched atop a cliff. He strained his eyes, searching for the end of the desert but all that he could see was more sand. The sun had just surrendered below the horizon, and his crimson eyes reflected the colors there, almost making them glow. He rose slowly and went back to his campfire. Although it was still far too warm to need it, he knew that it would at least keep the animals away. Vincent hated the desert but not as much as he hated himself.

It had now been six years since the showdown with Sephiroth. Six years since the last time anyone had thought about Vincent Valentine, or so he believed. After the battle he had disappeared. Slipping away before the fame of being a hero could smother him. Recognition on a worldwide basis was not something that he thought he could have handled.

He tried not to think of the days when saving the world was his supposed mission, anymore than he tried to remember all that had happened to him at the hands of Shin Ra and Hojo. These two memories were now so hopelessly entwined though, that there was no escaping them. He longed to slip back into that sleep that had held him just shy of death for twenty-seven years. Although it had been riddled with nightmares, they paled in comparison to actual life in his body.

The Avalanche members had all speculated that he had gone back into hiding over his guilt over Lucrecia's fate, over his memories of Hojo's experiments. But that wasn't the truth. That wasn't even close. The truth was far more insidious than that. It was a truth that Vincent had never even admitted to himself. No one knew what was really on his mind. No one ever would. He was guilty, yes. The source of this guilt no man but he himself could ever know.

He sat before the fire, allowing his red cloak to fall from his shoulders. He pushed a few of his black tendrils of hair out of his face absent mindedly as he pushed at the embers of the fire with his cybernetic hand. The smoke stung at his eyes, giving him a good excuse to cry but he wiped away the tears quickly. Even alone he would not cry; it wasn't his nature.

Sephiroth. Probably the most recognized name on the planet and for all the wrong reasons. He had almost succeeded in destroying the world. That was Vincent's true guilt. No one knew it except for him. Sephiroth, perhaps the most vile being in the history of the world, was Vincent's fault. There would have been no Sephiroth if there had been no Vincent.

Vincent lay back on the ground to await sleep. He was oblivious to the pain of the rocks beneath him as he struggled to prevent his mind from reliving those memories again. It was futile though, and he closed his eyes and allowed his mind to win.

At once, he saw Lucrecia. It was the day she had told Vincent that she was pregnant. Vincent was happy at first, despite the fact that this news was coming from a married woman. A woman who was married to Hojo.

She smiled, and laid a hand on her flat stomach. "Vincent, I'm glad you could meet me tonight."

He looked nervously up and down the corridor, afraid that anyone might see him here with her. They had already taken too many risks. There had been too many stolen moments here in the darkened halls of the basement. Although he wouldn't have given up any of these few encounters with Lucrecia for the world, he knew that there could not be many more. "Lucrecia…"

Her eyes glinted. "Vincent, I'm pregnant."

His heart stopped. "Is it mine?"

"Yes." Her hand fell away from her stomach back to her side.

A rare smile graced Vincent's lips. "Are you certain?"

She flipped her hair over her shoulder. "Hojo has been trying to impregnate me for quite a long time, but it never worked. I found out that I was pregnant today. Four weeks along, to be exact."

Vincent closed his eyes for a second as a tingle ran through his body. Although he had been meeting her secretly down here for months now, it wasn't until four weeks ago that she had given into him. Had Vincent died that night nearly a month ago, he would have been happy. This memory was cut short as the specter of Lucrecia's husband surfaced. His smile vanished. "Have you told Hojo?"

She hung her head. "Yes."

"What did he say?" Vincent narrowed his brown eyes, not yet altered to their unnatural crimson.

"He's very excited." She would not look her lover in the eyes.

Vincent took a step forward. "What? Excited?"

"He thinks it's his." Her voice wavered.

Vincent found it hard to breathe. "You didn't tell him the truth?"

She brought her gaze back to his. "I love you Vincent but if Hojo knew the truth, you would be killed."

He turned his back to her. "I…understand."

She came up and placed her arms around his thin waist. "I'm sorry, but we can be the only ones to know the truth about this."

Vincent couldn't say anything. His heart was breaking.

"Hojo has…plans." Lucrecia whispered.

"What do you mean?" Vincent turned in her embrace.

"He wants to inject the baby with Jenova cells."

"No!" His eyes flashed. "I will not allow it."

"It's not up to you." She let go of him. "I may not love him, but he is my husband. It was wrong of me to come to you behind his back. By allowing him to use his precious Jenova cells on the baby, I feel I can at least atone for some of this."

Vincent knew that there was nothing he could do. He started to walk away but soon found himself running. He heard her call after him as he retreated but paid her no heed. To turn back would have been to allow her to see the tears streaking his face.

Vincent sat up, seeing that the fire had almost died. Fitting well with the memory in his mind.

From there the rest was a matter of public record. Lucrecia bore Sephiroth; Hojo never suspecting that Vincent was the real father. This was the truth that was his alone to bear. Had he never been with Lucrecia, there never would have been a Sephiroth. This thought echoed through his mind as it now had since his awakening.

Even with Sephiroth having attempted to destroy all that was, he had still been Vincent's son. How many times in battle Vincent had wanted to stop everything and tell at least Sephiroth the truth. Maybe it would have made a difference. Maybe not. He would never know.

Vincent had played a part in the killing of his own son, the only child he would ever have. The alterations Hojo had made to Vincent's body in his experiments had seen to that.

He lay back down again. He needed to sleep. Maybe tonight his mind wouldn't be full of the bad things from the past. Perhaps tonight he might dream of another female that had over the past several years, worked her way into his heart despite the fact that he hadn't seen her since the day Sephiroth had been defeated. Maybe tomorrow he would leave the desert and seek her out.

"Maybe Cid knows where Tifa is." Vincent said to no one as he closed his eyes.

Tifa, he allowed her name to linger on his tongue. Truth be told, when he had been with the Avalanche group she had not caught his attention. It wasn't due to him not having found her attractive, he had, but at the time, the pain in his heart was still too fresh for him to consider anything.

He remembered watching her as she looked at Cloud. She had been filled with the same desperate love for the ex-SOLDIER that Vincent had felt for his Lucrecia. Somewhere inside, Vincent knew that Tifa could understand him. She could understand his pain for a love that was never given any credit. He knew that she could take Lucrecia's place in his heart, and he could be the man for her that Cloud never really was.

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It had taken Vincent nearly a year to get to Rocket. Not simply because of the considerable distance that he had walked to get there, but also from the fact that he had almost talked himself out of going there on every leg of the journey. Having to go to Cid for anything was hard for Vincent. He and the all too cocky pilot had never really gotten along. In fact, there had been far too many instances when they had almost been driven to kill one another. So maybe it wasn't his first choice of people to run into, but Cid was the only one he could think of who might have an answer.

Vincent put on an insincere smile when he saw that Cid had noticed him approaching. "Hello."

Cid mumbled something under his breath before stepping back from the engine he had been working on. "Vincent."

"Friendly as ever, I see." Vincent allowed his smile to fade; it wasn't working anyway. Painfully aware that Cid hadn't been particularly fond of him seven years ago when they had saved the world, Vincent momentarily forgot what had even driven him to Rocket to seek Cid out.

"Well, what in the hell do you want?" Cid picked up a rag to wipe the grease from his hands. "I know you didn't come here just to be cordial."

Vincent suddenly remembered why he had bothered. "I was wondering if you knew where Tifa ended up? I thought you might know, being as that everybody knew you would end up back here. I thought she might have written."

A quick smile of amusement flashed across Cid's face. "Oh really?"

Vincent narrowed his eyes and just stared. He would rip apart Cid to get this information if it came to that.

"Why's a hard ass like you worryin' about Tifa?" Cid tossed his dirty rag back onto the engine. He was not yet aware of the rage boiling just below Vincent's façade.

The left side of Vincent's mouth tugged up into an annoyed sneer, but this was hidden from Cid's view by the high collar of his cloak. "I need to know where she is. I must talk to her."

Cid put his hands on his hips and scoffed. "Right…"

"God damn it!" Vincent's cybernetic claw creaked as he extended his fingers, preparing to slash Cid. "Just tell me!"

The pilot's eyes widened briefly as he sensed exactly how serious Vincent was. Cid was secretly amused by this display of emotion. "All right, don't blow a gasket. I'll tell you."

Another whir was heard as Vincent's claw relaxed. "Thank you."

"You probably guessed, but she followed Cloud. And yeah, she did write a few times. Last I heard, they had settled in New Nibelheim together." Cid crossed his arms, awaiting Vincent's reaction.

"With Cloud..?" Vincent's heart dropped. That was the news he was most afraid to hear. "So are they..?"

Cid shrugged. "You didn't get one of the wedding invites, I take it?"

Vincent, still reeling from Cid's first remark, didn't even hear this second one. This was fortunate for Cid. "Oh…"

"Why do you even care?" Cid cocked his head.

Vincent diverted his gaze. Cid was seeing right into him and he didn't like it. "It's not that important."

Cid could see his discomfort and smiled again, although deep down he knew it was terribly inappropriate. "I'll be damned. You miss her, don't you? I didn't know there was room in your cold fuckin' heart for anyone other than Lucrecia."

Once more, Vincent's claw ached to strike. "Lucrecia is gone, I have come to accept that. I just wanted to see Tifa. I just wanted to know that she was happy."

"Oh." Cid was amazed to hear Vincent say something like that. "Well, like I said, New Nibelheim. I have to get back to work now, if you don't mind."

Vincent turned away, saying nothing else.

Cid looked at the retreating figure, and at once felt truly bad. He had been a jerk to Vincent and he really didn't deserve it. "Hey, Vince?"

He stopped walking and looked back over his shoulder. "What?"

"Go to New Nibelheim." Cid smiled weakly.

"But you said she was with Cloud." Vincent turned to face Cid again.

"Yeah, but I didn't say that she was happy." He dropped his gaze to the ground.

Vincent's eyes narrowed again. He was wondering what sort of a joke Cid was trying now. "What?"

"Her letters…they don't seem completely legit. They come off kinda insincere. I think something's wrong. Cloud ain't exactly…right." Cid was hoping that his interpretation of Tifa's letters was correct.

"I see." Vincent nodded, and then turned to leave again. "I'm going to see her."

Cid continued to watch him leave until he disappeared amongst the others on the street. "Who would've guessed?" he said to himself as he started to dismantle the engine once again.

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Excerpt taken from Tifa's Diary

It's been seven years now, and I've just finally come to realize that things aren't going to get any better. I should have been able to see this from the beginning, but I was too blinded by my false hope, by my love for him.
With our mission having come to an end, along with our usefulness, our small band of heroes disintegrated, and we all went our separate ways. Well, almost. I followed Cloud, determined to have things right between us, as they had almost once been; before he had met her. I am not saying that I didn't like Aeris, I did, but it killed me to see how truly perfect she and Cloud were for each other. My feelings no longer having a rightful place.

So I went with him, with Cloud always seeming somewhat indifferent to my accompaniment. I couldn't leave him alone, that was clear. Doing so would have just made it too easy for him to give up on life and I wasn't about to let him do that. I loved him, and he would just have to learn to deal with it, or so I thought.

We eventually settled down, outside of New Nibelheim, searching for any familiarity in a place that really was now completely alien. There we lived together for whatever it was worth. He went through the motions of being a good partner, always trying to hide from me the fact that he still loved Aeris, but it always showed. It killed me to wake up in the middle of the night, to see him sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. I never let him know that I laid there feigning sleep, watching him cry. That certainly would have killed him.
I hoped that as time went by, he might begin to come around, but it never quite seemed to get better for him. Then one day a few weeks ago, Vincent blew into town. I was at the market, and looked up from my shopping to see him coming down the street. My heart raced a bit at seeing him-- I hadn't been around anyone familiar in far too long. He caught a glimpse of me, and even though he still kept himself cloaked, I knew that he was smiling.

He escorted me home, and I ran into the house, excited to tell Cloud that one of the few people in this world we could call a friend was here. Cloud was just sitting on the couch, and barely made any indication that he noticed that Vincent had followed me home.
After dinner that night, Vincent decided that he wanted to take a walk. I asked Cloud if we could go with him but he said he was too tired, and that I should go. So I did. I could tell that Cloud was feeling worse than usual at that moment, but I still went ahead and went out with Vincent. It never crossed my mind that things were about to change. Everything was about to change.

Vincent and I went down the road together, talking about the past. He seemed more light of heart than he had been before, and I would be lying if I didn't say this was a dramatic improvement. Being the middle of summer, it was still hot despite the fact that nightfall had come. Vincent stopped, and allowed his cloak to fall from his shoulders. I stood in silence as he then proceeded to remove that strip of fabric from his hair. He smiled at me, I suppose that my expression probably was rather amusing.

"What is it?" he asked, allowing his smile to linger.

I was speechless.

He was gorgeous-- I'd never seen him before, well, really seen him.

Vincent came closer to me and put his right arm around my shoulders. "I guess you were suspecting that I was some sort of a monster?"

Still, I was unable to respond. The thought had crossed my mind that he kept himself covered because he was disfigured. I wouldn't have put such a thing past Hojo. Such wasn't the case though, and now he was touching me.

"Hojo messed with my body, but he at least had the decency to leave my face alone," he laughed.

"Oh..." That was all I could say.

His smile faded, and he looked me in the eye. "Tifa, it isn't coincidence that I came here. I found out a while back that you were here with Cloud." He shifted uncomfortably. "I wanted to see you again, to make sure that you're being taken care of right. I am going to be honest, and please don't get angry. I think Cloud is not the man you wish he was."

Vincent couldn't possibly know exactly how right he was. I think I surprised him when I nodded in agreement, feeling the burn of tears in my eyes. "No, he isn't. He hasn't ever been able to get past Aeris's death."

He dropped his gaze to the ground. "I knew he wouldn't. Tifa, will you come with me? You can't spend the rest of your life hoping for Cloud to change. It's been too long."

I turned away from him. I was going to accept his offer, but I also had to deal with the guilt of leaving Cloud. It was a rash decision, but I was dying there and knew that I had to take the chance. I didn't know if such an opportunity would come again. "Stay here. I'll be back in a few minutes."

I ran back to the house, knowing that I had to do this before I lost my nerve. I opened the door, and at once, I knew that something was wrong...horribly wrong. Climbing the stairs, I caught a rusty smell on the air, something I had smelled before during fights. It was the scent of blood.

Upon opening the door to the bedroom, I discovered the source of the metallic scent. Cloud was laying on the floor at the foot of the bed. He had run himself through with his sword. I knelt down beside him, putting my hands over my mouth.

He wasn't yet dead, and his eyes opened. Cloud looked at me, by now too far to feel pain. "I'm sorry..."

Those were his last words to me. 'I'm sorry'. Simple, to the point, and for the only time in seven years, completely honest. I stood, shaking slightly. Cloud was dead, and I was free. I hoped that he was now with Aeris in that other place, but how could I possibly know?

I walked back to the edge of town, finding Vincent exactly where I had left him.

"Is he going to be all right?" Vincent asked, assuming that my shaken air was due to leaving Cloud.

I didn't tell Vincent what I had just witnessed. He didn't need to know, but I answered his question honestly. "I think he is better now than he has been since she died."

Vincent took my hand, and we started away from Nibelheim, away from the illusion of the past being all right.