This contains spoilers for AGATB. Here are the first two chapters, in their parodied versions. ;) It is out of absolute love for this book that I mock it so.
*
None of it's mine.
CHAPTER ONE
SNAKE: I haz some pimpin fangs.
GEMMA: I hate India and its backwardness. I want to move to ENGLAND, the land of PARADISE, where they have weak tea and bad teeth.
*
GEMMA: Moan, moan, bitch, bitch, WHINE.
GEMMA'S MOTHER: Yeah, so we've heard.
*
LIBBA BRAY: India is full of backwards poor people.
*
GEMMA: You know, TOM got to go to England.
GEMMA'S MOTHER: Tom has a penis.
GEMMA: I could grow one!
GEMMA'S MOTHER: Sorry babe, you're going to have to wait for the 21st century to roll around for that to happen.
*
LIBBA BRAY: Just a reminder, India is STILL filled with backwards, poor people. Oh, and it's EXOTIC.
*
KARTIK: You may only see me for a glimpse, but let it be known that I am THE SEX.
GEMMA: Oh, baby.
*
AMAR: By the way, Virginia, aka, Gemma's mom, you know your ex-best friend? Who tried to kill you, along with that one kid? Who you may or may not have had lesbian relationship with? Yeah, her. She's, uh, coming to rip you face off. Just thought you ought to know.
GEMMA'S MOTHER: You succeed at subtly, Amar. You should definitely think of becoming a professional poker player.
*
GEMMA'S MOTHER: I am frightened.
GEMMA: Humph.
GEMMA MOTHER: You can't come with me to wherever we were previously going.
GEMMA: Say what?
GEMMA MOHTER: Here, have a plot point instead.
GEMMA: Thanks, I'll take side order of fries with that. Oh, by the way, I HATE YOU AND NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR UGLY FACE AGAIN.
EVERY PERSON WHO HAS EVER SEEN A MOVIE OR READ A BOOK EVER: Man, you're a dumbass.
*
CHAPTER TWO
*
LIBBA BRAY: Remember kids, India is FOREIGN.
*
GEMMA: Aw, fuck, I'm alone, lost and without a chaperone. OMGIMGONNADIE.
*
GEMMA: Hello, old, exotic, uneducated man! Please direct me back to civilization. Er, or as close as you can get to civilization in this hot, horrible, HELLHOLE.
OLD MAN: GTFO, freak.
GEMMA: At least I know that everyone, not just my family, hates me.
READERS: Bitch, you're a YA heroine. No one has even willingly liked your type.
*
KARTIK: I stalk you.
GEMMA: Please don't rape me!
KARTIK: Ha, as if. You're gonna have to wait for your hot friend to die before I'll want to bone you.
*
GEMMA: Oh shit, what the hell is happening? I think I'm dying! Dear irony, I was just being overly dramatic about that whole dying thing! Please don't kill me because of that.
READERS: Psh, girl, you got nothing to worry about. I read the back cover. You're not about to die anytime soon…unfortunately.
*
GEMMA: Hot rapist boy, help me!
KARTIK: Um, no thanks. I think I'm just gonna sit here and watch you have a spaz attack.
*
GEMMA'S VISION: *Is trippy*
*
GEMMA'S MOM: Where the fuck is that kid?
CIRCE'S BEAST: Hello, darling! Long time no see. So, how's the fam? Aw, that's great. Now, I KEEL you.
AMAR: Everyone knows Indian food tastes better than that bland fish-n-chips crap. Here, eat me first!
GEMMA'S MOM: Now's an excellent time to kill myself, I think.
*
GEMMA: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
KARTIK: Well, what happened? Did you see your mother kill yourself? What about my brother? Tell me now, you HOR.
GEMMA: aska;shfaksldfj
*
KARTIK: Also, your visions don't happen to get access to the Home Shopping Network, do they? They aren't lying when they say that their skin creams really do work.
GEMMA: WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR FREAKING PROBLEM. I shall now beat your face in, you hot, not-rapist.
KARTIK: Bitch. All I wanted to know was whether Cindy Crawford's anti-aging cream was selling for less than 29.99!
*
GEMMA: OH SHITBAG. My mother is lying in a pool of blood. FUCK. My life really does suck. Hey, at least now I have an excuse for being a whiny brat!
READERS: Well, this is certainly going to be cheery ride from here on out.