PREVIOUSLY ON POTTER PUPPET PALS
DUMBLEDORE: You look like a banana.
RON: I don't look like a banana but I know what does.
RON, DUMBLEDORE, AND MJ: Everything is super when you're GAY!!
HERMIONE: Suddenly, I feel very very stupid.
HARRY: YES!
VOLDEMORT: Who wants fresh-baked cookies??
SNAPE: They were ready at 27:83, and I'm not on crack.
HARRY: Oh, yes, you are.
SNAPE: So? Did you know you're a pixie muffin?
HERMIONE: YAY!
RON: Do you think I look cute in this hat?
DUMBLEDORE: NO!
RON: Well.
MALFOY: Are you gonna make me be a green fairy again?
SNAPE: What are you talking about? You're not a green fairy.
MALFOY: Oh, thank God.
SNAPE: You're the pink princess.
MALFOY: NO! That's worse than a green fairy!
HARRY: Oh, this is gonna be good. This might be more popular than 'Kid Spells His Name Wrong.'
RON: That kid what so stupid. Did you know that E=MC squared?
HERMIONE: No, I didn't.
EVERYONE ELSE: Oh, my God!
HARRY: Did you two switch bodies or something?
RON: Oh, Harry, my boy. (Harry shudders) You should know, even with your infinitesimally small mind, that bilocation is out of the realm of physical possibilities.
HERMIONE: Did he just say 'infinitesticle?'
EVERYONE ELSE: You just said the secret word! (Everybody screams)
HARRY: Ron, for the first time in your life you said something so smart I didn't understand it. Now, how do you spell your name?
RON: Oh, that's easy. R-O-N-A-L-D W-E-A-S-L-E-Y.
HERMIONE: No, it's not. Your name is spelled R-O-O-N-I-L W-A-Z-L-I-B. You said so on 'Kid Spells His Name Wrong.'
HARRY: And what is the title, Hermione? God, I feel like I'm talking to Ron. Brainicus Normalus!
HERMIONE: I'm me again!
RON: I have a penis. And it's the size of a cocktail weiner.
HARRY: You know, we really didn't need to know that.
DUMBLEDORE: I did.

VOLDEMORT: Who wants cookies?

DUMBLEDORE: Do it again!

SNAPE: Do I have to?

DUMBLEDORE: Yes!

SNAPE: sigh (in an unenthusiac monotone) My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

My life is better than yours

Damn right, it's better than yours

I could teach you but I have to charge.

RON: (still singing but more enthusiastic) If you want it-why did we stop singing?

VOLDEMORT: (dressed as Santa) Who wants presents?

HERMIONE: It's not even Christmas.

HARRY: Don't care, I want presents! Especially if one of them's Ginny without a shirt!

GINNY: Please stop talking about me like I'm not here.

HARRY: Ginny! Take your shirt off! If you do, it will be the best Christmas ever!

GINNY: Not while everyone's watching! And it's not even Christmas!

HARRY: So, is that a maybe?

GINNY: Later.
HARRY: YAY!

HARRY: (wakes up in a daze) Oh, what did I do last night? sees Ron OH MY GOD!

RON: Good morning, Harry!

HARRY: What did we do last night?

RON: Well, we did each other's makeup, and painted each other's toenails, and talked about boys.

HARRY: Oh, so we just had an incredibly girly sleepover? That's not nearly as bad as what I thought.

RON: And we had sex.

HARRY: WHAT?!

RON: Nothing.

HARRY: Do you remember anything?

SNAPE: I remember most of my miserable life. Why do you ask?

HARRY: Yeah, do you remember any time when you were happy and people were laughing?

SNAPE: I was never happy and the only time people laugh is when they're laughing at me.

HARRY: Did these people laugh at you a few weeks ago?

SNAPE: No?

HARRY: Nevermind!

VOLDEMORT: Milk.

GINNY: Have you noticed Voldemort's acting a bit odd today?

HARRY: You're acting odd.

GINNY: No I'm not, that doesn't even make sense.

HARRY: You're not a real time.

GINNY: That makes even less sense.

HARRY: I'm not good at comebacks today! (to Voldemort) Voldy, did you take some of Snape's funny candy?

VOLDEMORT: No.

RON: Is it your time of the month? Maybe you should take some Midol.

VOLDEMORT: I am not a girl!

RON: Yes you are!

HARRY: (to Hermione) Why do they call it the face of a clock, it doesn't even look like a face. Do people not have that much of a life that they just sit around and make up words so we could be confused by them?

HERMIONE: I don't know. What a minute, I don't know something, I'm scared!

RON: Don't be scared, it happens to me all the time.

HERMIONE: Now, I'm even more scared!

HARRY: Hey, Hermione, what's the color of- God damn it, these papers keep falling- clear?

HERMIONE: Oh that's easy. Clear, but clear's not a color? I'm confused!

HARRY: This is more entertaining than cable.

DUMBLEDORE: I'm a pretty pony!

HARRY: I knew it!

RON: If you're a pony, then I'm an ostrich named Nikki McBluejay.

HARRY: So, Hermione, wanna set fire to all the curtains?

HERMIONE: Why?

HARRY: Why not?

HERMIONE: Can't argue with that logic.

NEVILLE: I've got the gasoline!

HARRY: Since when are you cool enough to take part in something rebellious?

NEVILLE: Since I stabbed my grandmother...38 times!

HARRY: Okay, Neville, we'll just leave you to be a serial killer. (to Hermione) Let's get the hell away from him!

NEVILLE: evil laughter I'm all evil and stuff.

HARRY: (to Voldemort) Go kill someone!

VOLDEMORT: I can't. My grandmother won't let me.

HARRY: AHHH! Role reversal!

SNAPE: Why does everyone assume I have funny candy? I don't believe in fun. It's against my religion.

HERMIONE: What is your religion?

SNAPE: Snapeism.
VOLDEMORT: (to Neville) I must have left my evil with this clumsy child. Evilus Returnum.
NEVILLE: I'm not bad anymore, and I have this voodoo doll of my grandmother, stabbed 38 times! Who did this?
VOLDEMORT: You did.
NEVILLE: Your mother is a ******** ********ing ********loromitsum******* ****** ***agmenonveniem***** ******* **** trrraguna**** **************** ***** hippopotamus ******* ********* *****Rebublican****** **** ****and Daniel Radcliffe****with a bucket of********* ******* and in a castle far away where no one can hear you*************Soup*****************with more buckets of****Mickey Mouse*****and a stick of dinamite************************************************* Magical***** *********** *****Alacazam! I hope my grandmother doesn't find out!
VOLDEMORT: Oh, Neville, you've got a Howler from your grandmother.
NEVILLE: (crying) Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
HARRY: So do you want to burn down those curtains?
HERMIONE: Hell yeah!
HARRY: Hermione, write down all the things you don't know.
HERMIONE: Why did you give me a book to write in?
HARRY: Oh, that must be for Ron. You just get a tiny piece of paper.

RON: I found the cookies!

HERMIONE: (hands paper back to Harry) Here's all the stuff I don't know.

HARRY: It's blank.
HERMIONE: That's right. It's blank. (exits)

RON: Can I write down all the stuff I do know?

HARRY: Here's a piece of paper.

DUMBLEDORE: Why is there a cult of pregnant pandas in my office?

NEVILLE: I put them there. Muhahaha!

HARRY: That's not very evil.

NEVILLE: I know.

HERMIONE: Meep.

HARRY: Meep? What's meep?

HERMIONE: Meepmeep.

HARRY: Hermione?

HERMIONE: Cooka pooka dance party. Doodoodoodoodoo. Cooka pooka dance party. Doodoodoodoodoo.

HARRY: Hermione, what the hell?

HERMIONE: SingingYankee doodle went to town shitting on your mommy. His cucumber went up her ass and they called it salami.

HARRY: Did you take some of Snape's funny candy?

SNAPE: For the last time, I don't have funny candy!

HARRY: How can you tell if a panda's pregnant, anyway? I mean, they're so fat to begin with.

NEVILLE: They're only pregnant if you believe they're pregnant.

HERMIONE: This one's a boy.

HARRY: How can you tell?

HERMIONE: He has a cucumber.

RON: Oh my God! All of the curtains are on fire!

HARRY: Muahahahaha!

HERMIONE: I helped!

HARRY: Speaking of cucumbers, why are strawberries and tomatoes the only fruits that have their own festivals?

HERMIONE: I don't know but it's an injustice!

HARRY: They should have a cucumber festival.

HERMIONE: Or a melon festival.

HARRY: What about a cucumber-melon festival? We could have fried cucumber, chocolate coated cumber, cucumber flavored cotton candy...

HERMIONE: Ewww.

HARRY: Ice cream flavored cucumbers, cucumbers on a stick like corn dogs with ranch dressing you could dip it in like ketchup, all that stuff with melons but yogurt fruit dip instead of ranch dressing.

HERMIONE: That actually sounds disgusting when paired with melons.

HARRY: My aunt Petunia makes it in the summer. It's very good. It's the only reason I come back to the Dursleys.

HERMIONE: THAT WOULD BE AWESOME! They could sell cucumber-melon lotion!

RON: They have that at Baath & Bodee Wirkz... with glitter!

HARRY: Uhh yeah. And the boys could wear shirts that say, "My cucumber's bigger than your's."

HERMIONE: And the girls could wear shirts that say, "Feel my melons."

HARRY: And the back could have a picture of an actual big cucumber and the words "What did you think we meant, whore?!"

HERMIONE: And ours could have stuffed felt melons.

RON: AHHHH! Something's coming out of the panda!

DUMBLEDORE: Relax, it's probably just a turd. (looks down) Oh my.

HERMIONE: She's giving birth! Neville, this one was pregnant!

NEVILLE: I was right!

HARRY: Everyone! Mark your calendars! Neville was right!

NEVILLE: Hey, what am I? Ron?

RON: Yeah what is he- wait, now I'm offended. (looks down) So that's where babies come from?

GINNY: Yes, I told you 3 times, already!

RON: You said babies came from the stork!

GINNY: No, I didn't!

RON: I've been living a lie! (runs off)

HARRY: Shifty is God.

EVERYONE: What?

HARRY: Brian is the Holy Spirit and DJ is Jesus and Jess Smith is Jesus' brother, Craig, who was excommunicated from Heaven.

HERMIONE: That's very true. Now, who wants a baby panda?

EVERYONE: AWWWWW! THEY'RE SO CUTE!

HARRY: I just realized, I'm thousands, possibly millions of miles away from home.

RON: And you say I'm stupid.

HARRY: That means I can say this without anyone caring...DUDLEY'S A DOUCHE!

HERMIONE: That's probably true but we're still in England and England isn't thousands of miles wide.

HARRY: Oooh, look who's the smart one for once.

HERMIONE: I've always been the smart one.

RON: Yeah, Harry, you're acting stupid.

HARRY: Oh, look who's talking!

RON: Yeah, you're probably right. Hey wait!

HARRY: Well, honesty is the best policy.

SNAPE: I think llamas are cool.

HARRY: See, you do have funny candy, I'm not crazy!

SNAPE: I don't have funny candy! I must have told you that like three times today!

HERMIONE: But you just said that you love llamas.

SNAPE: What? A guy can't assert his love for llamas without being on crack?

HARRY: Not you at lest.

SNAPE: 5000 points from Gryfyndor!

HARRY: Oh, he's not on crack, I guess we can't have a fun adventure.

SNAPE: What fun adventure were you planning?

RON: Oh we were just goining to go to the forbidden forest and let you play with Aragog.

SNAPE: That's good, maybe I'll die.

RON: I thought your anti-depress-a-pils were supposed to make you not depressed.

HARRY: Ron, other than the fact that you mispronounced anti-depressants, you brought up a good point.

RON: I did? It's a miracle! And you thought I was stupid.

SNAPE: No, you're wrong and you're all stupid.

HERMIONE: Hey, I know more than you!

SNAPE: Really, what's the sound of one hand clapping?

HERMIONE: One hand clapping makes no sound since the act of clapping requires the use of two hands, one hand cannot clap and therefore, it makes no sound.

SNAPE: Damn it!

HERMIONE: And since I am smarter than you I can give you a Z.

SNAPE: Nooooooooo!

RON: I got a Z once.

SNAPE: That's because I gave it to you.

DUMBLEDORE: Hey, Ron, is that blue monkey still in Snape's bathroom?

RON: Yeah, I think so.

DUMBLEDORE: Does it still smell like purple?

RON: No, I think it's more of an orange smell.

SNAPE: Just for the record, I really do like llamas.

RON: How do we know when this falshback ends?

HARRY: It ends right after this. (to Snape) Tell us the truth!

SNAPE: Okay, I'll admit it. I do have funny candy!

HARRY: I knew it!

SNAPE: Sometimes I like to go into the dungeon late at night and take this.

HERMIONE: This isn't crack, it's a giant lollipop with funny nose glasses.

SNAPE: Sometimes, I even prtetend to laugh at it.

HARRY: That's disturbing, now it ends.

PRESENTLY ON POTTER PUPPET PALS

HARRY: Why would someone make a story about stuff we did in the past that never actually happened?

JESS AND JESSIE: Because we can.

HARRY: Just because you're the writers doesn't mean that you can do whatever you want.

JESSIE: Actually, it kinda does.

HARRY: I betcha can't make Ron straight.

RON: Oh come on, Harry, that's imposs-I LOVE FOOTBALL! Hey, Hermione, you have a nice ass.

HERMIONE: (blushing) Oh, Ron.

HARRY: Can you make Hermione stupid?

JESS: See above.

JESSIE: We already did that.

HARRY: Ok, can you make Snape happy?

JESS: See "When Anti-depressants Attack."

JESSIE: It's an entire fanfic devoted to that very idea.

JESS AND JESSIE: It's also the one where Snape gets his funny candy.

SNAPE: I DON'T HAVE FUNNY CANDY!

HARRY: Can you make him admit it?

JESS: Well, I suppose we could...

JESSIE: But what would be the fun in that?

HARRY: Well, can you make Dumbledore depressed?

JESS: Again, see when "Anti-depressants Attack."

JESSIE: That entire fanfic is devoted to the OOCness of Snape and Dumbledore?

RON: What's OOCness?

HERMIONE: Out of characterness.

RON: Isn't character spelled with a k?

HARRY: Can you make Ron smart?

JESS: Again, see above.

JESSIE: We already did that.

RON: Can you make Harry lame?

JESS: We could...

JESSIE: But why would we want to?

HARRY: Oh yeah! Awesome! You can't make me lame. you can't make me lame!

JESS AND JESSIE: Don't test us!

HARRY: You can't make me-I like collecting insect wings and shining them with my spit, and then I like to go deep in the dungeon and study raisins!

HERMIONE: I don't even do that and I'm a nerd!

HARRY: Ok, don't ever do that again. But one more question. Can you make Nevel cool?

JESS AND JESSIE: We can't work miracles.

THE END!!!

AFTER CREDITS SCENE

SNAPE: It's a good thing no one found out that you actually exist. (pulls out a lollipop with funny eyebrow-nose glasses on it). Oh, you're so funny. Hahahaha. Now let's do some crack together. (does crack) Weeeeeee! I have funny candy! I have funny candy! I have funny cadyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyhehehehe!

HARRY: Oh, you can make him admit it.

JESS: We made it fun too.

JESSIE: But that was a challenge.

JESS AND JESSIE: Now, back to Pixopolis. ( we fly away on magical unicorns that poop rainbows.)

HARRY: WTF?