Nightminds

A/N: Hey everyone! I know, I know! Where is The Gift? Well it is a long story, but my computer erased all my files and everything was deleted. Yes, I know! I had The Gift completed for the most part as well too! I have some of it saved from sending it to someone so, I am working as quickly as possible on that! It will be out soon! Okay, onto my one-shot! This idea came from episode 2x13 and I know I am a little late seeing as how Gossip Girl returns in less than 48 hours, but you know! I had this one sent to someone so it was saved and so I just decided to complete it! BAM here it is! The song I used for this is by Missy Higgins and its called Nightminds that is the title and the lyrics go so well with the episode so I decided to use it! As always I need to thank Courtney and Lynne for being beta's! *kisses* I hope you all enjoy and reviews are always greatly appreciated!

Special Dedication: This is dedicated to my familia as we call ourselves!! Confuzzled Blair, AssTalking Blair (I laugh out loud at that every time), Angelic Blair, Deranged Blair, and the ever so lovely Sinner Blair!! Hugs and Kisses Girls!! I love ya!!!

Summary: And in our honesty, together we will rise. Out of the our nightminds, and into the light. At the end of the flight. Yes, together we will rise. Chuck and Blair. 2x13 Blair's POV!

Rating: T

Word Count: 5,759

Disclaimer: No I do not own Chuck and Blair or Gossip Girl! Tis sad!

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Just lay it all down.
Put your face into my neck and let it fall out.
I know, I know ,I know. I knew before you got home.
This world you're in now,
it doesn't have to be alone,
I'll get there somehow, 'cos
I know I know I know
when, even springtime feels cold.

But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see,
so we can both be there and we can both share the dark.
And in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds
and into the light at the end of the fight.

...and in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds
and into the light... at the end of their fight...

-Missy Higgins

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I watch the limo drive away. I feel the tears spring to my eyes, because I was the one that said them first; those three words that he wanted to hear, and that I wanted to hear. And here I am, tears streaming uncontrollably down my face over not hearing them.

In all fairytale happy endings I'd pictured for myself, I never imagined that I'd fall in love with him, that I'd want him to love me as much as I love him. I thought his best friend was the love of my life, my one true love, and now I'm standing here on the sidewalk, cut and bleeding love for the one person I thought I hated most, but somehow at the same time love the most. Yes, I admit I love him, more than this world will ever know.

The age old question; is there anybody in this world worth dying for? The response comes quick, before the person posing the question has even had time to push the words from their mouth; No. Nobody would understand, but my answer would be yes. I would die for him; in a heartbeat, yes. Always yes. I wish I knew if he felt the same way, but I don't and this scares me more than anything.

His father died, Bart Bass is actually dead and gone. It may seem hard to believe, but I know he cared for his father more than he even knew. I know this because I, Blair Waldorf, love him, Chuck Bass. I stood with my heart in my eyes and my hand on his in the middle of the street for everyone to see and told him I would be here- no matter what. And all he did was take a gulp and ask why; why I would stand by him through anything, why I wasn't going anywhere, why, why, why? Shouldn't he have known that I would have stood by him, shouldn't he have known? Yes, that was the answer. He should of known, but he didn't. So here I stand Blair fucking Waldorf.

You know, my name means actually goddess in Greek? Blair being the goddess sent to watch everyone else while they make their mistakes, while they endure pain of life. Watch. Not suffer along with, but no, instead I endure. Instead, I make the mistakes. It has been like this ever since I was six, ever since I met Serena Van Der Woodsen. And she might currently be labeled as my best friend, but truthfully that was taken away from her a long time ago. By one Charles fucking Bass. You might wonder why I think this and it is simply because I have always been somewhat jealous. She's gorgeous and I always feel somewhat plain next to her. He say's I'm not, but I don't fully trust him, like I wish I did.

The sky is gloomy, hinting that things are about to get worse before they get better. Somehow I know the skies really do tell you something. They give you warning against everything. My once boyfriend used to say that I was it for him, that he couldn't imagine his life without me. I used to give the smile that only my one true love gets now. Looking back I guess he didn't even get the smile I produced to him. I look back to the road and notice that he has been gone for more than twenty minutes and all I have done is stood here and let my emotions play with me.

He told me once that we were inevitable. I thought he truly meant that, but I know it was just his way of pushing my buttons and keeping me at arms length. Looking down at myself I notice all things that are wrong. I notice my skirt isn't ironed properly and the ends of my hair are split and not conditioned and I just don't care. I probably should, but all I can think about is how he's not here, how he's gone, how he left me. Left me to be without him; to be my own person without him.

I've only uttered those three words to one other person. Well, the other guy said them first to me because I wasn't expecting them. He just said them so effortlessly that I responded immediately without giving it a thought. And I hadn't thought about them, really thought about them for the all the years leading up to my seventeenth. Some days they were easy and some days I just fell into them. But I said them first now, to him, because I love him to damn much not to. The kind of hurt that when he's in pain it breaks my heart, that when he isn't in the same room I miss him; the kind of hurt that I'd gladly endure just to be with him- or die trying. People can say what they want about us, but they won't know ever know how I feel and will never know how he feels.. They won't and they can't know; we have to shut are love away from the world because, well because…

The tears fall again. Maybe it's just our games that make us be this way to each other, only with each other. Maybe it's entirely my fault that this happened. Of course, it's me; I'm the one that who lost control and took advantage of his loving…. or maybe just liking of me. Maybe he doesn't love me and he is just feeling sorry for me. Maybe..

"Where is he?" I hear from behind me.

I turn and look at the man before me. The man I had a fascination with before I met my other half, the only one who could ever complete me. Which ironically in many ways is his other half too, the yin to his yang.

"Gone," I answer back.

The look of sympathy comes then across his features., the one I've been met with all day. The look of pity, the one that says 'you can't help him.' But they're wrong, all of them are. I hate seeing his features twist in sympathy, it makes me want to hit him, hit him for not helping his friend as much as I have, for not caring as much. And for so much more he'd never understand.

"Blair, I'm sorry." He holds his hand out to me and the look in his eyes say something that makes me furious.

"Nate, don't." I say to him.

I walk away from him then because being near him makes my heart break a little more and I know it will never heal until he's the one before me, until I can help him heal. The man that left me, the man that I love, the man I know now I have always loved and will always love. I can feel Nate's grip at my elbow, holding me back, and I turn to suddenly see his face right in front of me.

"Blair, he is in a state of mourning. You can't help him right now. No one can."

I look him in the eyes and shove him away from me. "I told him I love him. I need him and I know he needs me. We're Chuck and Blair. Blair and Chuck." I say this almost in a pleading manner, as if I need people to understand, but in reality I don't, I just need him to understand.

"He knows."

I look in his eyes and know he is telling the truth, but I need to see him. I need him to understand.

"I have to go." I say in a soft tone, which I'm not sure if he heard, but I could care less if he hadn't.

I guess he did though because I see him nod.

I walk off from the scene of my past and never look back because I never want to be back there with him, I want to be with someone else, and only that someone else, entirely.

The words somehow endlessly replay in my mind, screaming his 'Why would you do that?' over and over. He'd ask me almost as if he was sure I wasn't going to say it, but I had already decided for both of us, I had to.

I look back to the spot were I was stood and noticed it once more dead. Dead, like things had occurred and gone, which is basically what had happened. Our 'I love you's' are buried there, my 'I love you.' And it hurts so much I just want to just sit down and cry for hours, but I for go the idea, because I know he needs me and maybe, just maybe, if he did decide to come back I will be waiting. I will be there for him, because in truth, I have nothing else to lose, nothing else to live for but him.

----------

My house is the same as the way I left it. It hasn't changed besides the decorations for my mother's impeding wedding. She's marrying Cyrus, which at first I was against completely, but I have come quite fond of him. If he makes her happy then I am happy. I see Dorota smile at me, and I know she knows how I am feeling and it makes me feel a little better inside, at least someone cares.

I make my way up the stairs and walk to my bedroom and immediately collapse on my bed. I know I have a long evening a head. Laying on my back I look up at the ceiling and wonder what he's doing. What he's thinking. Is he drunk or sober? Is he at home or in a bar? Is he..

"Miss Blair." I hear Dorota say from the entrance of the door.

I raise my head up. "Yes?"

"Miss Eleanor has asked you to wear this." She says presenting me with the dress.

I want to take the dress and rip it into a million pieces, like the current stage of my heart. I resist though and take the dress, in hopes that Dorota will leave so I can be alone.

"Thank you Dorota." I say shutting the door as she walks away.

I set the dress down and study it; looks like something my mother would pick out for me, a gold shade with a bow that takes up most of the center. I look up and decide to do something I haven't done in a while. I walk to my bathroom and turn on the water and shut the door. It's not something I find myself doing much of at all anymore, but these times call for it. The moments I know I am loosing control I go and do this to myself. No one would understand. The only two people that have ever known about it are nowhere to be seen. She, out with her childhood crush, and he somewhere were I don't even want to think about.

Going through rehab almost killed me once; being away from everyone I knew and loved took its toll on me after awhile. My mother would visit me almost every day and it helped me get through it, but one person helped the most. Him, the one that I said three words and eight letters too, yes he had come and visited me quite a lot. I never told Serena because I didn't want her to know that he was coming, not exactly being the most logical person. He would come at night when no one would be there. He would come and talk to me about everything, the latest blog on Gossip Girl, or our arch nemesis Georgina Sparks. We would sit at the table, the only table in my room and go over these things like nothing else in the world mattered. I guess that's when I fell a little deeper into him.

Nate never found out and I was glad he didn't tell him. When we had our affair in the back of his limo and he threatened to tell Nate, I wanted to kill him. I screamed at him a couple of times, but never had the guts to do the actually deed and kill him. Looking back on the affair a little over a year ago, I could never regret it because it brought us to a new level of what we somehow never saw before.

I take my index finger and hold it down my throat wanting everything to pour out of me. It's not because he didn't say it back, even though that should be a big portion of it, it's because I have lost all things Blair. I have lost the ability to be anything without him. Is that sad? Of course to some people it would seem weak, but to me it is only a small reverence to how much I truly care.

Nothing much comes out because I could hardly eat at the wake. I was too caught up in all things Chuck Bass. I look down into the latrine and wonder why I just did that because I know I will be doing it for weeks now, which might lead to a relapse in what I refuse to talk about. I stand up on wobbly legs and take to brushing my teeth. I look in the mirror and notice the weak girl that stares back at me. The dark circles that scream; no sleep. The dry lips that say; he hasn't kissed you in so long. Then there is the face of denial, the denial that says that everything will be okay when somehow I know nothing will ever be that same.

I make sure to rinse well because throw up breath is not something I want for my mother, Dorota, or ultimately him to smell on me, the breath of failure. I make my way out of my room and look at the dresser where only weeks ago he had knelt before me and told me we had the future to do everything together. I looked into his eyes and had believed every word he'd preached. I want to go back to that night so bad and not let my hand be released from his because he is the only thing that keeps be stable.

I walk further into the room and lay back down, just wanting to shut my eyes and never return to this place where he isn't with me. I guess this is what my mother felt like when my father left, alone and vulnerable. Feeling this pain now I never want anyone to feel like this ever. I want him to come and say everything is okay, he might never have done it before, but I know, deep down, he would do it for me.

Four days ago he'd told me 'we have tonight' and looking back I think that night was somehow telling us that this would be the last night we'd truly be anyone but each others'. That we were split in two, that we didn't fully belong to the other. Ironic, as that night we'd stood as close as two people could ad now, lying on my back in the dark, alone and further from him than I've ever been in my life, I somehow feel like we aren't anything but the others'.

I close my eyes because I feel sleep finally coming to me and I think about him while I try and drift to a place where I know I won't think about how he is or what he is doing. I grab the pillow that I am currently not using and lay it by my side, just pretending for a moment he is close and safe with me.

----------

The staircase is decorated in garland, I guess for the season. It's almost Christmas and I will be here alone while my friends make their plans. Serena will go I assume with Aaron, Nate somewhere with Vanessa, and Chuck will go somewhere that isn't close enough. I know his state right now is dark and I should get away from him and let him be, but somehow my mind tells me to go to him and make sure he is okay with the prospect of no family, like he has said numerous times. The truth though, he has family. More family than anyone could possibly need.

"Does it look good?" I hear my mother say as she comes next to me.

I smile, because in all honesty it looks amazing. "It's great."

She puts her hand on my shoulder and I twitch at the contact.

"How's Chuck?" She asks me almost scared of my answer.

I don't want to respond to this because I have always been bad at lying. Ever since the fourth grade when I stole Chuck's scarf for a day. After admitting I took it, he didn't speak to me for a week. It was a week I thought was amazing since the boy who was Nathaniel's friend always would annoy me, but now I could never imagine why I thought that.

"Healing I suppose." I tell my mother hoping she doesn't need more details.

My mother studies me carefully. This being the first time I see her as a mother figure. "He will come to his senses soon." She adds almost as if she knows I am hurting.

I see Cyrus talking to his Jewish priest. When my mother first brought home the little man I thought he was a tad strange, very strange actually, but he's grown to be someone I care about. I look over at my mother and see her happiness beam and I get an inward feeling of emptiness.

"Well my dear everything looks to be perfect." Cyrus comes to tell us.

I smile at his quirks. He's quite charming.

"The ceremony is set for seven." My mother tells me and I nod and agree to be there on time.

I watch my mother leave and I smile at Cyrus. He looks up and gives me the same look like the others have given me, but somehow I just go to him and hug him. It's strange because I have never seen him as someone I could turn to. I need him though. If the one person I need the most can't be there for me, I just settle like many people do. Settle like the people who never come back to you. I guess I will just have to move on from this ache that my heart is feeling. Something will have to make me move on. That is truly the only way I will ever be the person I once was.

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The vows are being said. They are beautiful too. They're talking about love like so many people do these days. A wedding is a time you are surrounded my people you love right? The ones you care about most, the ones that help you when you need someone. I turn my head to both sides and look at the people I am surrounded by, my mother, my Cyrus, my Dorota, my Serena, and her Aaron. All of them whom I love in a different way. I look to the door though, and wish to see the man I love step in like something that you would see in the movies. I wait for mere seconds before turning back to the wedding.

It's been over six hours since I told him the words our hearts have been dying to hear. Many people, I'm sure, after I tell them will tell me it was the wrong time to have told him such a thing. I, of course, already have a line up my sleeve if they say such a thing. It wasn't the wrong time to me. Aren't death and life somehow meshed together? I once heard that when someone dies something else in your life is born. I figured love could be born for us, but it turned into being just another death of the day.

My mother puts the ring on Cyrus' hand. This is when I began to tear. Not because of the adoring looks they are sharing, but because I somehow envisioned one day doing this same thing with the one person who has hurt me more than words can say.

Serena is here with Aaron and somehow I feel a small pain for her as well. She's not meant with him and she knows it. I somehow I had to learn this lesson late in life. All the days of being with Nate and never seeing the one that truly held my heart on his sleeve, Chuck had been the one to do this and I never knew. I just never knew.

I cover my eyes and smile at the make out session I am seeing in front of me. This is truly one thing I didn't need to see. Dorota is smiling her head off while I try and look away. The priest introduces us to the new Cyrus and Eleanor Rose. I smile at my mother and she comes at me with a bone-crushing hug.

"That was beautiful mother," I tell her.

She smiles at me and kisses my cheek. I notice Dorota go off, and I wonder where she is headed since the champagne is coming. Serena gives me a friendly smile and I return the gesture. The champagne bottle seems to be a raging mess for Cyrus, since it's not opening properly. My mother takes a stab at it; which is met by nothing. They go back and forth for a few moments before Cyrus takes charge and pops it open. It goes everywhere and we all do a little jump. My mother pours the champagne in my glass and I take my first sip. It refreshes me from the day I've had.

I feel a tap on my shoulder and I see Dorota leaning in. "Mister Chuck is here." I look up in surprise from this revelation and I follow Dorota to where Chuck is.

I follow her up the stairs and see she is pointing to my room. I tell her thanks and walk in slowly. I don't know why, but I am truly terrified to go in there. I walk in to find him sitting on my bed. Why does he think he can go in and do this? I immediately tense.

"What do you think you're doing here?" I ask for some reason, I don't know.

He turns his face towards me and I at once feel unworthy of this. The words I asked before, burn into the pit of my stomach. He's broken in more ways than a person can see. Sometimes you just know when the love of your life is pained in some way. I see his pain. It's written on his face, written on the one single tear I can see forming in his right eye.

I know him to well and some people would say that is because we've known each other for quite sometime, but that is far from the truth. I know him inside and outside because he was is Chuck and I'm Blair. I walk to him fast paced without even saying a word because with us, no words are needed right now.

I take him in and he falls next to me. It's not your usual hug because with us nothing is seen as normal. I stroke up and down his arm to show him he is loved. Yes, he didn't say the words to me that I have waited to hear, but seeing him right now I know he does love me. Maybe he will never say them to me and somehow that's okay with me because I feel his love.

I soothe him; I know he needs me just like I need him. I feel his hand grab my arm as if it's the only thing he knows. His hand creeps up and takes a hold of mine. I clench his hand just as he clenches mine. I kiss his neck softly and hold onto him as if life depended on it.

I don't know how long we've been in this position, but I've heard his soft sobs and it's made me want to let some tears go from my aching body. I peel away from him slowly and go shut my door so no one can disturb us. I come back and finally see his face, which for the first time in our years, is so vulnerable it breaks my heart.

I walk over and in my dress I somehow manage to bend down and he sees over me. I take my hand and wipe the last falling tears away from his dark eyes that are now a shade lighter than usual. He let's me do this until I can tell he needs sleep in, which I let him fall back onto my bed.

He lays down and I go behind him to watch over his delicate figure. I rub his back and he just rests there. We haven't said a word and I don't want to ruin the moment with another disastrous speech. I simply watch over him because he is part of me. He's my family even if he wants to admit he has none.

When I saw him today after all the missed calls and texts he hadn't said one word besides a small grunt. It hurt, yes, but I knew where he was coming from. I knew he was hurt and that he was stuck in a world where he thought people didn't care. I care and all I wanted was for him to know. I want to love him, if only he would let me.

I watch making sure he is still breathing. His chest rises and falls and I think about falling asleep as well. I have slept only mere hours since the Winter Ball. Watching his world fall down in front of him drained me and I did everything in my power to make it stop, but it kept pushing forward.

I take my arm and rest it over his torso. I let it stay there because I need to be close to him. I need to be secure with him. I want him to be safe in my arms and my arms only. I promise myself at this moment that I will let nothing come in between us. No one will hurt him ever again. He is my family. I close my eyes not knowing in the morning that a world I didn't want, waited for me.

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When I wake up I feel empty. I look around to find his body not next to mine. I see the blanket on top of me and know he put it there. This makes me somewhat break inside. I see the piece of paper and wonder what is enclosed in it. I take the paper and read the three lines carefully.

I'm sorry for everything.

You deserve much better.

Don't come looking for me.

-Chuck

I gulp. I wait a moment to make sure the letter is real and it's not my imagination. My eyes read over it once more and I feel like I am going break, at him not being here. I make myself get up quickly and I rush out my door.

Making my way down the stairs and past the kitchen I notice my other family eating the normal Waldorf breakfast. I hear my mother call out to me, but I move past without a care in the world.

I must look like a mess because I am still in my same gown, from the night before, and my hair is in dismay. I run outside to see if there is even a hint of his limo still around.

The world is calm around me; nothing is going on besides the barrier of my heart breaking. I look both ways and notice no cars, limos, or cabs making there way down my street.

The sky is gloomy just like it was yesterday. The same feeling I had yesterday is present with me. He's not there and I am stuck to wonder where he's gone. Why doesn't he want me to help?

I said I would stand by him through anything. I plan to do this because he is all I know. I can't move on from the man that now has my heart, the man that has all my hope wrapped up in him.

I look back to road and wish, just wish that maybe, maybe if he truly cared, he would somehow make his way back to me. I hope for this somehow knowing I am dealing with a lost soul in the world.

I couldn't cry in front of him because he was already distressed. Now I could care less who I cry in front of because they don't know that I am the only one in the world without the one that they love.

I love Chuck Bass and that should be enough to warm my heart, but it leaves me with emptiness. I don't regret telling him because that is not me. I don't regret loving him or seeing him for the man I could not live without. No, I don't regret any of this, because I am Blair Waldorf and he is Chuck Bass.

I know deep down that Chuck Bass and I are meant to be.