--

Bobby walked out of his hearing an ecstatic man. All he wanted to do was call Alex and give her the good news; his pay was reinstated in full due to the scope and success of the work he did while on suspension. He opened his phone and was about to hit her speed dial when he froze. His joyful mood was immediately snuffed out as he thought of how things were left between them.

Before heading back to 1PP, he took a walk around the block a few times. He knew he opened Pandora's Box the night before. There was no way around not talking to her but how does he do it? He walked and thought for more than an hour. He would have kept on going, but the chill in the autumn air finally got the best of him so he headed inside headquarters and up to the eleventh floor. As the elevator brought him closer to his destination, he decided how he was going to handle the situation.

Alex was at her desk. Sensing Bobby was approaching she instinctively looked up. He passed his desk, giving her a little nod, but went straight into Ross' office. Alex watched him close the door and sit down. She was trying to read his body language but he was still; she didn't know if that was good or bad. Then he stood and started pacing and Ross stood, as well. He came around to the front of his desk and leaned against it while Bobby shuffled back and forth with his hands in his pockets. He never once glanced in Alex's direction.

Finally after about a half hour she watched the two men shake hands and Ross give Bobby a little pat on the back as he led him to the door. Neither of them were smiling. Alex was baffled as to what that meant. Bobby's head was down; he was still not looking at her as he made his way toward their desks.

"Uh…any chance you can come with me?" He stood in front of his desk.

"Can or will?" She wasn't ready to let him off the hook.

"Please…just come with me." She couldn't resist the sound of his voice mixed with the look on his face; both filled with utter despair. By now she was beside herself. She was even doubting that he had had a hearing. She was scared that maybe he was in a meeting to give his resignation. Maybe he was trying to leave work, and her, and he didn't have the guts to just tell her. Her heart was beating a mile a minute.

She paused just the same, "do I need to tell the captain?"

"No. We both have the day if… you'll come with me."

"Just tell me…good news or bad?"

"Let's get out of here first, okay?" He formed his reply like it was a question but she knew it was a statement so she put the files away, grabbed her jacket and followed him to the elevator.

--

The elevator doors shut and they were alone.

"Bobby, please…good or bad?"

Instead of answering her he backed her up against the wall. Placing his hands on either side of her face he kissed her. Her hands went to his waist. Looping her fingers into his pants she pulled him closer to her while she deepened the kiss. She sensed panic and desperation in him and it scared the hell out of her.

"What was that for, Bobby?" Alex asked as they broke the kiss. She was so afraid that was the last time he would be holding her like that.

"I just -"

The elevator chimed indicating the doors were about to open so he quickly stepped back and rested against the wall opposite Alex. She took a few deep breaths and regained her strength.

--

"Where to?" She asked as they made their way to her car.

"Your place."

Alex felt a rush of anxiety wash over her again. My place so you can make a quick exit when necessary. "Why not your place? It's closer." She needed to see if her assessment was correct.

They looked at each other over the top of Alex's car. "I'd rather us be at your house for this, Alex." One part of her was relieved that he didn't try to lie to her, but another part was scared to death about what was about to happen.

"Fine." She didn't know how she managed even that word with the way she was feeling.

--

They sat at opposite ends of her couch. They hadn't spoken another word since they stood in the parking garage at work.

She couldn't take it any longer. "You do realize the silence is killing me."

He started rubbing his hands and tapping a foot and she couldn't take it. "Jesus, Bobby! You're driving me nuts! If you want to end this…just DO IT ALREADY! I can't take this anymore!" She didn't mean to scream but she did.

"Oh, Baby…I don't want to end this! I'm just…I'm so afraid you're going to want to after you hear I say what I have to say."

Alex felt her pulse drop slightly, but she was still on the edge of her seat.

"Bobby…the hearing…you did have one, right?"

"Yes, of course I did…and well…" he allowed himself a small smile, "it's good news. The best…they're reversing the original decision. Due to…the outcome of…you know…what I did, I'm recovering the full six months of pay."

Before she new it she was on his lap. She took the back of his neck with both hands then ran them into his hair. He got lost in the feeling of her on him and ran his hands up and down her back, eventually cupping her ass and leaving his hands there as they shared a passionate kiss. She finally broke the kiss and whispered to him, "I'm so happy for you, Bobby." One of his hands came up and pushed some hair off her face then he ran his fingers over her lips. "I can't tell you how relieved I am," he said as his eyes locked with hers.

"Then why the big mystery? Why did we have to come here?" She asked because with the way he'd been acting, she knew there was more to come.

He gently extricated her off of his lap but didn't say anything right away.

She decided she could keep talking, trying to get him to open up. "You know, I did a lot of thinking last night. I thought about what you said…how you were afraid that what you're gonna say might crush me. And I know this has something to do with the events leading up to your suspension." She looked at him and he nodded. "So, what you have to talk to me about is about is Donnie and Frank."

The way he looked at her, she knew she was right.

"Alex, this is so hard."

"Do you love me?"

"Of course."

"Are you gonna break up with me?"

"No."

"Well then, let's hear it." She was doing her best to give him the assurance to speak.

"Tates and my suspension…" He let the words hang out there for a few seconds while he mustered up the courage to keep going.

"I spent all those months of my suspension blaming you."

She tried to hide her shock as best she could. She opened her mouth to speak but then closed it quickly. She didn't trust how her words would sound, she didn't want to get defensive and shut him down. She waited for him to continue.

"For a very long time, I wasn't able to get over how quickly Frank was able to get to you. He played you and you let him. You easily could have kept on walking that day, but you didn't. And I can't figure out why…I mean…how did Frank manipulate you so quickly? It made me mad that you weren't strong enough…for me…to tell him to get lost." By then he was getting louder. "He waited…he searched you out because he knew I would respond if the request came from you…and by god, he was right. He played you and played me all at the same time…"

As he continued to speak, his voice cracked a little, "I've been blaming you for all of it. I thought that if you had been strong enough, you wouldn't have stopped to hear his line of bull. If you didn't listen I wouldn't have been at Tates… and I wouldn't have been suspended… I felt so betrayed by you. I mean…you're Eames…the one person I have always counted on." When he was done he immediately slapped his hand across his mouth, as if he was shocked that the words escaped him.

By now she saw tears in his eyes. As hard as it was to hear those words, she knew it was ten times as hard for him to have said them. He kept his head down; his eyes were partly closed.

She reached over to touch him but he jerked away from her. It was then that she realized he was angry. She settled back on her side of the couch and timidly spoke, "You say you were blaming me? Are you still?"

"Not… really... This is one of the things Olivet is helping me with."

Alex felt her stomach turn inside out. One part of her could understand what he was saying but the other part, her prideful part, was boiling. Unfortunately, the second part was winning the battle. She wanted to scream, or hit him; do something to show him how pissed she was. She was trying to figure out what he would have wanted her to do differently when Frank approached her. How dare he judge me like that?!

She stood up like a shot. She was on the verge of screaming at him to get out. She could feel the words ready to burst from her lips. God, she wanted nothing more than to lash out and hurt him as much as he just hurt her. But then at the last second before she started her tirade, she thought of how harmful that would be to them. She realized how much he has been hurting. She knew that no matter how much she thought his reasoning was insane, his feelings were real to him; they made sense to him. Now she had to figure out how to move past it. God it sucks being the bigger person sometimes, she privately thought to herself.

Bobby watched Alex spring from the couch. He saw the look on her face and he braced himself. But then nothing happened. She just dropped her head and stood there. He stayed quiet while trying to figure her out.

"I…need a few minutes to let this sink in." She tried her best to sound calm but she was certain that anger leaked out of her tone as well.

"Should I go?"

YES! She wanted to scream. She held her breath for a second. She started past him and before she knew it the words spilled out dripping with anger, "do whatever the fuck you want."

--

Alex stood in the shower and cried. For the second time, Bobby had accused her of betraying him. This time it was about Frank. How could he think that I betrayed him? Why does he judge me like that? What else was I supposed to do? She was leaning her back against the wall while she sobbed. He was right. He did crush me. I've always thought I've never let him down…but I did and he waited all this time to tell me.

She thought about how ever since he came back to work, while she thought they were getting their footing back, he'd been harboring anger and resentment. She slid down and hugged her knees while the water went from hot to warm to cool. When she felt cold water raining down she finally stood, turned the water off, and got out.

--

She found him standing in the kitchen eating something he had re-warmed from the fridge. She didn't comment on it, she just came out and leaned against the counter opposite him.

Bobby watched her as she tentatively entered the kitchen. Her hair was wet and she was in one of his t-shirts and a pair of her flannel pajama bottoms. She looked impossibly small in the outfit and, despite the mood they were both in, he felt his heart skip a beat. But then he saw her swollen eyes and he knew that the shower was just a cover; she broke down in there. I really did crush her. He felt awful for doing that.

He stood to get some water. "Can I get you anything?"

She shook her head.

"Should I go?"

She paused but eventually shook her head again. She heard him sigh in relief and it made her feel a little better knowing he was on edge just like she was.

He ended up getting her some water also and left it on the counter next to her.

"You're right, Bobby…you did crush me…I can't believe that 'a'; you've been feeling this way, and 'b'; that you kept it from me all this time…I mean, not only during all the time before what Declan did to you…but you haven't said a word about it since we've been working through all our problems…I mean…this is huge."

His body was aching. He wished he could take it all back. As he straightened himself up she put both elbows on the counter and buried her face in her hands. "Alex, I - " He got that far.

"What the fuck would you have wanted me to do? Huh, Bobby?" Her voice sounded a little muffled due to her position.

"I don't know."

Now she stood straight up and faced him. "Oh…you don't know." She gave a fake chuckle and he backed up a little knowing she was just getting started, "let me get this straight…you don't know what I should have done, but what you do know is that I is that you blame me for what I did do."

He answered her meekly, "it's not…I don't know…."

"Uh uh…now is not the time to get all tongue-tied, Bobby. Now, I want answers. You've had…how many months to think about this? Almost a year…for almost a year you've seen me…you've worked with me…and you've god damned fucked me…but all along you've put all the blame on me for everything that went wrong with Frank and Tates, just because I did what I thought was the right thing."

She put her hands on her hips and stepped toward him with her chin raised in defiance, "And what if I didn't tell you about Frank bein' out there? What if I never told you about Donnie. But then one day Frank came along and told you a story. What if he told you about Donnie, but that Donnie was killed in jail…and then he said he tried to tell you…that he told me but I must have ignored him…would you have liked that better?"

He let out a deep breath through his nose. She had a point.

"No…see…I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't." Now she got right up in his face and pointed a finger at him, "And ask yourself this, Bobby…where is Donnie now?" Her eyes grew wide and she gave quick shrug of her shoulders, "after all that you did for him he took off on you…and who is still here? Me. The only one who's never left…but still you're blaming me and pushing me away."

"I'm not pushing you away." He put emphasis on the word pushing.

"Oh no? Well I think you are. I think you're still scared of me, and of us, and all the feelings you've had to deal with because of us… and this is another attempt to push me away. I think maybe I got too close to you, and you're not used to it… so you're trying to get me to leave you instead of you leaving me like you really want to."

"Is it working?" She felt the venom in his words.

"Fuck you."

"Oh, that's good, Alex…real good. But don't you think you've been feeling badly about Frank and Donnie and you've never wanted to admit it?"

She wanted to scream at him to get out but she wasn't going to. She knew he was trying to bait her into saying those words. He didn't want the blame for their breaking up just like he didn't want the blame for all that went wrong after that fateful day when Frank waited for her in the courtyard of 1PP. He wanted to make it her decision.

Instead she stepped back a little and crossed her arms. "Don't you get it?" He looked at her with a confused look. He didn't know what she was referring to.

"You're supposed to be the genius here, Bobby…", he winced at her words, "don't you see that you are incapable of accepting blame in what went wrong here? You won't accept responsibility for screwing up and almost getting yourself killed at Tates…and now you're trying to blame me for us breaking up."

He hung his head when he heard her words.

She waited for his reply.

He spoke softly, like a broken man, "so…so…this is it?"

"Isn't that what you wanted all along, Bobby?" Tears were falling down her cheeks.

"No. I don't want that at all."

Alex was so frustrated by the man standing in front of her she didn't know if she should cry more or scream. She tried to talk while she choked back tears, "then what do you want?"

He looked back up at her and in a quiet voice he answered her, "I just want you, Alex. I want to be with you. I don't want to leave, or to make you leave…I never want that…but I know I've hurt you and I'm sorry…I know I'm screwed up. And somewhere in my screwed up mind I came up with all that being your fault….But that is something that Olivet is helping me with."

He noticed she wasn't crying anymore, she was just sniffling while she listened to him. He wanted to pull her into a hug but he restrained himself from doing that so he could finish his thought. "A lot of what you just said she's been saying to me, too. And now that I'm hearing it from you, well…I think I'm finally gettin' it."

She felt much calmer as she spoke, "I guess what I don't get…what bothers me the most is that it took you so long to share this with me. We couldn't have been working through this all along…why, Bobby? Why couldn't you tell me sooner?"

"How could I, Eames? I mean, for me, this is the worst thing. It was so hard to tell you even now…even with how close we've become. How was I supposed to say it earlier?" He shifted his legs around. "I guess I couldn't tell you earlier because I had to make sure that you really weren't going to leave me. I needed to be able to trust that I could talk to you about this and that you wouldn't leave when you heard how I was feeling."

She stood there stunned.

His words were like a lightening bolt hitting her square in the heart. She thought back to how close she came to kicking him out and how she had stopped herself. She said a quick, silent thank you to God that she somehow held her tongue. Her immediate reaction of lashing out was out of anger, not love. She knew that she loved him too much to shut him out ever again. She was so happy that she put the love first instead of the hurt and anger.

She couldn't help but smile at him. It was not the reaction he was expecting so he looked at her with cautious and curious eyes.

She continued to smile at him, her eyes started shining and she shook her head and gave a little laugh.

"Eames…I don't get it."

She came over close to him and wrapped him in a hug. He hugged her back but was tentative to give himself over completely because he didn't understand her motives just then. He finally pulled them apart, "what is this?" She had him baffled.

She turned her head slightly and continued to smile at him. "Do you realize that you just said you trust me to not ever leave you… no matter what you do or say?"

He thought about it then grinned a little at her, "yeah, I guess I did say that."

"Well, did you mean it?"

His expression changed. He looked more serious again and pulled her into another hug, "Yes. I did and I do."

Relief flooded over her. Squeezing him tight she spoke, "Bobby?"

"Alex." He spoke into her hair.

"I'm so sorry."

"Oh god, me too, honey."

"And I'm so tired."

"Me, too."

"Can we go to bed?" She looked up at him with swollen eyes and a tear streaked face.

He smiled then led her by the hand to her bedroom. "Do you need to use the bathroom or are you all ready from when you showered?", he asked her tenderly. "I'm good." He led her to the bed and stood before. He removed her clothes, then laid her down on the bed. Pulling the covers over her he whispered, "be right back."

He came back from the bathroom, removed his clothes then joined her in her bed. He moved on top of her and left gentle kisses around her face before finally claiming her mouth. After the kiss he spoke softly, "I love you more than you'll ever know, Alex."

His words made her shiver. She knew he meant it. She would never understand the scope of his feelings for her, just as he couldn't possibly grasp how deeply she loved him back.

It was in that moment that she felt healed. She placed her hands on the sides of his face and then lifted herself up and kissed him.

Bobby could feel that this kiss was different from all the others she had given him. This was one that conveyed to him how far they had gotten; how much they had grown, and how much more that have yet to share together.

For the first time ever he allowed himself to accept everything that Alex was giving him; her love, trust, acceptance, but most of all she was giving herself to him completely. Her one gesture after all they had been through… that one kiss, healed his soul after years and years of convincing himself that he was beyond anyone's grasp; that he wasn't worthy because he was damaged. Instead he now understood that Alex would always love him despite it all. She wasn't looking for perfection; she was just looking for him.

The End

--

a/n: Thank you all for reading.

Until next time…cifan.