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Hisoka x Illumi
NOW AND FOREVER
By SEMON
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7.
Illumi's departure was as sudden as his arrival.
Hisoka has already forgotten the exact date it happened, it was roughly two years after they started living together, it was also winter, the weather was freezing cold. That day, he took home an unknown female vocalist to sleep with. That was the first time he had ever brought anyone home since he started living together with Illumi, because the girl kept insisting that she wanted to see what the home of a successful rocker looked like. When he brushed her aside, she shot back with a sneer, don't tell me you've got some jealous chick living over at your place. Hisoka thought bitterly, What jealous chick, I've only got myself a man with no expression, what the fuck? So he took her home.
Nobody was there, Illumi was still away at work. Hisoka breathed a sigh of relief then quickly got down to business with the singer, he wanted to get it over with, but somehow, no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't get into it, making the girl complain sarcastically. Right at that moment, the doorbell just had to ring, so Hisoka furiously ran to the door and flung it open, but before the swear words could leave his mouth, he saw Illumi standing there looking startled.
Hisoka never expected it to be Illumi, because Illumi had a key and because he should be at work at this time of day.
Illumi gazed at him, before slowly saying, "I forgot something at home, when I came back and saw your shoes at the doorstep, I just rang the doorbell." He seemed to be excusing himself, but Hisoka couldn't quite grasp why, he only felt the atmosphere grow awkward, he even felt embarrassed for standing there with only a little towel wrapped around his waist.
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"Hisoka, what are you doing, hurry up I want you inside!" The girl yelled from within the room.
Illumi's eyelashes suddenly trembled; he fiercely cast his gaze down. Hisoka immediately cursed her and 18 generations of her ancestors, he couldn't decide if he should let Illumi in or make him stay away for the moment.
When Illumi raised his eyes again, Hisoka clearly saw a single teardrop flow from his eye.
Only one single drop.
That single drop of crystal clear liquid sparkled at the edge of Illumi's eye, and slid down. Hisoka fought the urge to reach forward to catch it. That teardrop traced the contour of Illumi's cheeks, the edge of his lips, his chin; following the places he usually planted his kisses. It landed on the floor, shattering.
And then, out of the blue, Illumi began to smile, a smile of total exhaustion like how it really feels good to let go of something that has been too heavy, too long.
Hisoka froze in awe; the two things that he had been obsessed with seeing appeared so suddenly and simultaneously in front of him, that he didn't know whether to be joyful or remorseful.
"I'm going to work now." Illumi took a step backwards, smiling, and prepared to go.
Hisoka was still rapt with awe, he could only think of agreeing. "Uh, yeah."
"Later."
"Yeah, Later."
They said goodbye at the doorway just like normal, but as Hisoka watched Illumi walk away something made him step forward and shout, "Illu-chan!"
Illumi looked back, paused in his footsteps, but Hisoka didn't know what to say, he stared silently and then squeezed out a few words.
"Illu-chan, its cold out, dress warmly ok, don't get sick on me."
The black-haired youth gazed quietly at him, as if thinking for some time, then gave a light nod, turned and vanished. The freezing cold wind blowing down the corridor attacked Hisoka's bare skin; a sudden pain hit Hisoka like a stray bullet fired into his heart.
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After that day, Illumi never came home.
For the first few days, Hisoka simply shrugged, he figured Illumi got mad at him and found himself someplace to hide. One week later, when Illumi still hadn't returned home, Hisoka started getting worried. He showed up in a huff at the café where Illumi worked, demanding to see him, and the answer he got was— Illumi? He hasn't been to work for a week.
Could Illumi be hiding over at a friend's house? Hisoka thought, and realized with shock he had no clue who Illumi's friends were, or maybe, he didn't even have any friends, Hisoka speculated involuntarily.
After tossing and turning for another week, Hisoka finally filed a missing person's report.
He waited another week, but when the police still hadn't responded, he began calling up their office day after day demanding an update, until the officer couldn't stand it anymore and roared, "For fuck's sake stop hassling me! I told you we couldn't find him! If you're so goddam smart go find him yourself!"
"Dammit! If I could have done it myself, why the fuck would I need you!" Hisoka smashed his cell into the wall; the clatter of it breaking apart irritated him even more.
Hisoka began buying newspapers, he would flip open to the society section, scanning it for any news of an unclaimed corpse and the like, he dwelt in a state of paranoia, not knowing if he really hoped to find Illumi reported on these pages or not.
Day after day this carried on, Hisoka thought he was losing his mind, he thought resentfully, Illumi, are you doing this on purpose? Are you waiting for me to fall apart before you'll come back and make fun of me? Or just as frequently, he would tell himself, "Fuck this shit, what's the point of looking for him, let him go, go get yourself someone new, there are a ton of lovers out there even better looking than him, younger than him and without his effed-up attitude." But despite all his thoughts, almost by instinct, he would find himself flipping through all the newspapers he could get his hands on, looking for the slightest hint of Illumi.
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Until one day, his doorbell suddenly rang loudly, Hisoka froze for a few seconds, trying to decide if his ears were deceiving him, before dashing over and tearing the door open, ripping apart the lock in the process.
"Hisoka, what's up with you? You've gone MIA for a month, the office kept calling you but no one picked up. The record producer is mad at you, you know, your band is going on tour next month! If you still don't show up for band practice watch out you might get kicked out!"
Hisoka stared uncomprehendingly at the businessman in front of him, he observed his mouth working up and down, but he couldn't hear a single word.
"Where's Illu-chan?" He asked.
"Huh? What Illu-chan? You mean your lover Illumi? Hey, the heck's wrong with you! Do you know what situation you're in? Look, it's none of my business what's going on in your private life, but is it too much to ask for a tiny bit of professionalism? Just look yourself; you look like a caveman from the Himalayas! Next month … …"
He heard nothing at all, he slowly looked at the four walls, then the interior, from the shoe rack at the doorway to the magazine lying on the couch, nothing's been changed, it looked exactly the same as last month, but there's only one difference, Illumi's not there.
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Where's Illu-chan?
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One month later, their live performance proceeded as scheduled.
Hisoka stood on stage and sang himself hoarse; he drowned in layer after layer of flowing lights. The crowd began screaming his name ecstatically, he felt vertigo.
After a song, he demanded at the audience beneath his feet, "Hey you, yes, yes YOU, do you love me? Do you love me!?"
Their voices were as thunder.
"I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you!"
Hisoka felt his body become hollow, he tried to resist it but waves and waves of emptiness attacked him, gripping the microphone, his body weakened, he fell to his knees, couldn't summon the strength to get back up.
Swaddled by mass appreciation, he suddenly realized that he had never said those words to Illumi, "I love you".
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8.
The next time he met Illumi was five years later, two years after Hisoka was awarded the Grand Prix du Disque.
Nothing changed very much in those five years, but everything also changed. Hisoka's first band broke up over the industry cliché of disagreement over their "musical direction", but it was obvious to those in the know that his band mates simply couldn't take any more of Hisoka's self-obsessed inflexibility. Afterwards, the record label recruited a back-up band for Hisoka and after 2 to 3 years of ups and downs in relative obscurity he became popular again, Hisoka was now a superstar. People frequently remarked that for someone with Hisoka's terrible attitude and antagonistic personality to actually gain popularity within the scene was nothing short of a miracle. Whenever he heard that, Hisoka merely smirked, playa-haters.
Hisoka was the golden boy of the tabloids; he had more sex scandals than there were stars in the sky, he changed lovers again and again, but strangely enough his flings lasted only a short while, frequently no more than a week. And as each lover would attest, Hisoka's favorite pastime was definitely not playing poker as his publicist would have people believe.
"He's obsessed with reading the papers." That's what a former lover of Hisoka Ms A reported. "No, not the sports section or the entertainment news, he's obsessed with the society pages, once he gets his hands on them, he would pore over it line by line."
The gossip press certainly couldn't just let such a juicy tidbit slip by, when one reporter boldly asked Hisoka why he did that, he was knocked to the ground by a single punch, and lost three of his teeth. The record label paid for his medical expenses and no one ever dared to ask him that question again.
That day, Hisoka was invited to give a performance at the opening ceremony of some event, by the time he got there, lots of people were already mingling, he recognized some from all the industries, and acquaintances would frequently approach him in friendly greeting.
He suddenly saw Illumi.
He was dressed in an elegant black suit, making him look even taller and thinner and was chatting with a businessman of CEO caliber. It's been five years, but Hisoka recognized him instantly. He suddenly recalled that the main sponsor of today's event was the Zaoldyeck family, which made sense that he would be there, but for some reason Hisoka still panicked.
When Illumi turned and looked in his direction he noticed a woman draped around Illumi's arm. His moment of awkwardness immediately subsided, and Hisoka decisively strode over.
Face to face, Hisoka realized that Illumi had hardly changed, he had lost some weight, but face was as expressionless as ever. He felt a sudden stab of resentment, because when Illumi saw him he didn't show any surprise, not even the slightest tremble in his pair of inky-black eyes.
Still smiling, Hisoka began to speak.
"Illu-chan, long time no see. Why did you do that for, leaving me without a word, and I thought we were the best friends, what you did was really cold you know. By the way the owner of the café, he was really worried about you; he kept calling me to ask if you had returned home, although yeah, that happened a couple of years ago. You still remember him, don't you? That bearded guy? And Kuroro, you know the owner of the bar we used to hang out at; he kept asking me what happened to you, that brat really likes poking his nose into things that are seriously none of his business… …"
Hisoka had often fantasized about the day he would meet Illumi again, how it would be like, but never in his wildest dreams had he pictured himself shooting his mouth off with the stupidest, most random comments. The woman standing beside Illumi began to show obvious annoyance, so Hisoka stopped; meanwhile Illumi hadn't spoken a single word the whole time.
Hesitating for a moment, Hisoka looked deep into Illumi's eyes, asked, "Illu-chan, how have you been?"
Before waiting for Illumi's reply, the woman cut in, "Illumi, do you know him?"
Hisoka narrowed his eyes and seized her up, she was the type of woman whom he found the least attractive, she had a pretentious and domineering face, the type who ended up like a dead fish in bed, Hisoka thought bitterly. And the woman also stared at him up and down with the scornful eyes of the upper-crust. She clung tighter onto Illumi's arm, and a ring on the fourth finger of her right hand flashed with a watery white light, making Hisoka shiver involuntarily.
Illumi patted her hand reassuringly, "I do not know him."
"I do not know him."
Illumi linked arms with the woman, brushed past Hisoka and approached the CEO of another company.
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I don't have to read the newspapers again.
That unrelated notion flashed across Hisoka's mind. His whole body went weak he lacked the strength even to cast a second look at that person.
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So he went back.
Hisoka faced up to the truth that he had long suspected but refused to acknowledge.
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Where am I?
He suddenly felt aimless, standing among the large crowd of people like a lost child.
Everything became a blur, everyone became indistinct, and through the grey mix of light and shadow, what did he see?
He saw that day many years ago, when he emitted his bizarre vocals on that dilapidated stage, then Illumi appeared over there, long black hair, big black eyes, looking at him with his pure and direct gaze. He rushed over and hugged him, he kissed him, he told him he loved him, he asked him whether if he loved him too? He saw Illumi purse his lips, tilt his head, think about his question very seriously for a long time, then nod his head heavily.
Hisoka suddenly felt a burning heat fill his eyes, he closed them, then slowly opened them again, maybe when he opened his eyes again, the nightmare would have disappeared.
But no, what he saw was a lavish stage, a crowd of strangers, and he was standing here like a clown. Sad, lonely and funny.
Someone dressed like an MC appeared to be trying to get his attention.
"Mr. Hisoka, are you okay? Mr. Hisoka?"
"Where am I?"
"Mr. Hisoka, please don't scare me, we need you to sing soon."
"Sing? Sing what?"
"Why, your biggest hit, FOREVER LOVE."
"FOREVER LOVE?"
"Yeah, FOREVER LOVE."
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-- a little gift for my dear friend NIX
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BY SEMON 2002/8/4
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T/N: NIX painted this HisoIllu.
http://img237 dot imageshack dot us/img237/6076/nixzy3 dot jpg