Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
There is tension at the breakfast table.
Actually, there is always tension at the breakfast table because Sirius makes sure that there is simply so no one takes his bacon, but this tension is thicker than fog you can't see your hand through. Not any average butter knife would cut through it. All of the Gryffindors would have to fetch a freshly sharpened ax.
It's not until well-composed Remus uncharacteristically curses when he accidentally flings his wormwood across the Potions' classroom that James pokes at the issue. Normally he doesn't poke at things that tend to poke back but this mater is just just waiting to be poked at.
"Remus… is everything all right?" he ventures cautiously.
"No," Remus hisses, "Did you really expect a different answer?"
James gulps, "Intense, man." And he wordlessly slips away.
---
Moony –
Whatever crime did I commit? I AM SORRY. I miss the sex.
– Padfoot
Remus cringes as he plucks a blatantly obvious red sticky note off the boys' dormitory bathroom mirror. The stickiness leaves messy marks on the mirror, but Remus is too busy reading over the note to bother. He calmly asks himself what the problem is that Sirius is fruitlessly searching for.
Question: What was the problem?
Answer: Sirius was being an asshole.
Remus tilts his head curiously, his mind nodding fervently in agreement to his conclusion.
Question: What would fix the problem?
Answer: Chocolate.
No, that couldn't be right. Remus considers alcohol before hurriedly stomps the hell out of that idea as well.
Question: How would Remus get Sirius to take his pants off again, and soon?
Answer: Who the hell was writing these questions?!
Remus crumples up the post-it in his palm until it's a small pea of creased paper before hurling it into the trash bin.
He reaches for his own stack of post-its.
---
Sirius –
Fuck off.
– Remus
---
Moony –
As long as I won't be fucking off alone, my dear.
– Padfoot
---
Like their own little family tree of assorted post-its, Sirius smiles as he places another note on the mirror. He knows in a few days if him and Remus keep up their unorthodox method of communicating the mirror will be its own little poster board as long as Peter won't sweep them all off because he won't be able to detect a reflection anymore.
Sirius saunters from the bathroom and over to Remus' bed, who makes no movement to acknowledge the dark-haired boy's presence except for a barely audible tut of acrimony.
"Moony," Sirius begins.
"Mmhmm."
"You know I don't like it when you 'mmhmm'," Sirius reminds the werewolf, tapping the soles of his feet onto the floor.
Remus raises an eyebrow wordlessly in interest before he replied a monotone, "Mmhmm." He flips a page in the book propped up on his knees.
"Moony," Sirius restarts, his voice tainted with a distinct increase of exasperation, "I… am…"
Sorry.
Horny.
Unstoppably stupid.
About to jump out the window.
A part of Sirius wonders if Remus would give a substantial reply to any of the following.
"…hungry."
"Don't eat my chocolate," is all Remus snaps before yanking close the hangings.
---
"YOU PAIN IN THE ASS ROTTEN EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING!"
"I guess that's me, then." Sirius smacks his lips together and winks knowingly at James before brushing off his hands. Peter recoils into his chair as he hears thundering footsteps echoing down the staircases. James steps up cautiously from the common room couch to find the commotion.
Remus stomps down the steps and halts like a train stepping on their emergency brakes. He glares at Sirius with eyes that steamed red, hot smoke. If his form could have a shadow in the light, the others in the common room would all agree that it would resemble a devil, horns and tail and all.
"Do you even know how much trouble you're in?" Remus roars.
"No I do not, but may I say you're looking lovely in that light?" James pipes up.
"I wasn't talking to you, James." Remus dismisses, wheeling around to face Sirius again. He stuck a sharp finger in his face. "You! With the distinct lack of sanity! I. Will. Kill. You. Actually, no, you're not breathing anymore! You're dead to me!"
"Well, if you want to think that, I suppose it saves you the trouble of having to kill me." Sirius shrugs, trying his best to smile and not wince at the werewolf's outburst.
"Don't talk! Dead things don't talk. And as we just established, you are dead!" Remus yells with the rage of a dog with a leash only one inch too short of letting its teeth devour freshly seared bacon.
He stalks off again, huffing all the while. The moment Remus' footsteps were well out of earshot, Sirius began chuckling.
"Dude, don't laugh," Peter tells him hastily, "don't want Moony to come back down and remind you that dead things don't laugh."
"I'm sure dead things do laugh," James reasons, "just, you know. Silently."
"I'm pretty sure they don't, Prongs."
"What, have you ever been stuffed in a coffin with a corpse?" James challenges the blonde-haired boy.
"Have you?"
"I don't want to talk about it." He thrusts his palm onto Peter's nose, "Talk to the hand. Actually, talk to the wrist because the hand is pissed."
Sirius watches the argument between his two friends as though it's an intense tennis match before he gets their attention once again.
"I took Moony's chocolate," the raven-haired boy tells the other two Marauders. James' eyes widen to the size of tree trunks.
"Does being sex-deprived make you a brain-dead moron, Padfoot?" he demands, slapping Sirius' arm.
"You don't get it," Sirius shakes his head, "stealing his chocolate made him talk to me again. Those are the first words he's said to me in a week, not including all insults written down."
"Words you'll cherish, I'm sure," Peter nods, recalling the words pain in the ass and rotten human being. Sirius nods gravely.
"If sarcasm was made of STDs you'd be dead, Wormtail." James said, cocking his head toward the blonde boy.
"Touché."
---
Moony –
Telling me to stuff it this morning was hurtful, sweetheart, even if I do love when you talk dirty to me.
– Padfoot
---
Sirius –
(Indecipherable scribbles) Pervert.
– Remus
---
The two girls using the bathroom as a gossip corner –
You two bicker like an old married couple.
– Prongs
---
There's a crudely made advertisement tacked up on the Portrait Hole. At first Remus had waltzed by it when a photograph of a remarkably familiar face had caught his eye.
Backing up for a second view, Remus examines the flier.
Before he rips it off the wall.
Ladies (and gentlemen),
Want a night out to Hogsmeade with the one and only Sirius Black? Here's your chance! Sirius Black is free and willing for the night of February 1st to socialize and much more with any creature with legs! Everyone welcome, cause Sirius' boat sways to both sides of the sea!
Remus' left eye twitches as though a fly had landed in it. He crumples up the advertisement and stalks up the steps to the dormitory. He is prepared to ramble and lecture worse than McGonagall and give out punishment more severe than torture, but his diabolic contemplations are pushed to a rapid halt as he notices that six or seven chattering girls are gathered around a lounging Sirius Black on his bed.
"Oh… hey there, Moony!" Sirius waves two fingers at his boyfriend. Remus' right eye twitches to match his left. He takes one step forward.
"Y'know, some people meet the parents… I guess you get to meet the fangirls!" Sirius flourishes his palm languidly at the girls. Remus' opinion of them lowers down to his feet as he realizes that none of the girls show even the smallest sign of indignance as Sirius labels them as 'fangirls'.
"Sirius," he mutters in a startlingly dead voice, "please observe how I refrain from ripping your balls off."
The girls quiet. Sirius' smile takes a u-turn.
"Is… there a problem, Moony?" he ventures.
"Did someone eat your brain cells for breakfast, you dweeb?" Remus spits out.
"Yes. You did."
"No wonder I felt sick yesterday morning." He says bitterly, rolling his eyes, "ate some bad brain."
"But I can assure you, it was salted perfectly." Sirius winks suggestively at the werewolf. Remus narrows his eyes.
"Ladies," as he turns to face the crowd, he is slightly appalled to see one man also blended in with the giggling females. His eyes widen before he growls at them, "…and man. Please take your leave."
They shuffle out speechlessly.
Remus retrieves the flier from his pocket and flings it over to Sirius, who catches it deftly in his palm.
"What's this?"
"Open it." The tawny-haired boy commands. Sirius unfolds the wad of paper. A small, knowing smile forms on his lips as he discovers its contents.
"Ahh… right. Made these last night."
Remus lets out a deep, rattling breath. "So jealousy was your big plan?" Sirius cocks his head curiously, smirking, "You've got nothing on me, Sirius Black!"
---
Moony –
Forgive me for my insensitivity for taking your chocolate. Forgive me for making you jealous. And because I know you love multitasking, forgive me for whatever else I did at the same time too! I'm sorry, dear, blame it on the way my mum raised me.
– Padfoot
---
Sirius –
You blame your mum for everything.
– Remus
---
Moony –
My mum is Satan.
– Padfoot
---
"That's a lot of post-its."
James and Peter are standing in front of the mirror that is rapidly disappearing in front of their eyes. Post-its are eating their reflections like hungry little maggots.
"Have you read some of them? They're a little dirty," Peter taps on his stomach before glancing sheepishly at James, "Someone could get off on them."
"Sirius' mind has always been in the gutter." James points out.
"So is Moony's. Seriously." He points incriminatingly at a few random post-its to help prove his point. James squints as he reads them. He laughs at the contents before nodding.
"I guess Remus thought that Sirius was lonely in the gutter all by himself."
"The gutter can be a lonely place."
James looked at Peter quietly before replying, "Yes, indeed."
Peter scratches at his hair awkwardly. "Do you have any idea why they're all pink?" he questions curiously, raising his eyebrows. James pushes his glasses up his nose.
"I think they're Padfoot's."
"Ah," Peter says, "That explains it, then."
---
Sirius –
You're being childish. And so is this ridiculous sticking-notes-on-the-mirror. You are now having a conversation with yourself.
– Remus
---
Moony –
You're the one who stuck notes on the mirror back.
– Padfoot
---
Sirius –
What did I say?! YOU'RE NOW TALKING TO YOURSELF. Aww. How sad and pathetic and uncool.
– Remus
---
Moony –
You PITY ME. Pity is the heart of love, y'know. Rawr.
– Padfoot
---
Sirius –
No, I believe the heart of love is love.
– Remus
---
Moony –
Whatever, St. Valentine.
– Padfoot
---
"How's it going with Moony?" James asks Sirius with a smirk as the two boys slosh through the mud on the quidditch field toward the locker rooms.
"If you want to know, just read the mirror." Sirius answers, raking a hand through his hair. "We could send that shit into a soap opera station."
James nods, "I've noticed. Peter doesn't bring books in the bathroom anymore. I think he's too amused with the post-its."
"Then someone should tell Peter to pee in the lake. The bathroom's not very G-rated anymore." Sirius advises his friend. James chuckles.
"Peter's sixteen."
"Sure he is."
---
Moony –
Denying me sex is like giving a vegetarian nothing but chicken for a week. Do I have to beg on my knees?
– Padfoot
---
Sirius –
Please don't. You'll break your kneecap.
– Remus
---
Moony –
(Series of crossed out scribbles)
Next time I see you, I'll haul you into a closet.
– Padfoot
---
Remus strolls down the corridors for his first class of the day, his book bag loose on his shoulders and his tie hanging off his shoulder.
It is too early in the morning to have a bad day, but Remus blames the idiot who is also known as his boyfriend.
All Remus sees before his vision is stifled and he's hauled into a closet is a tuft of disheveled black hair and a nefarious snicker of no good. He doesn't even attempt to yell into the hall for help as he's stuffed into a dark compartment smelling of used mops and floor polish and his mouth is smothered with familiar lips. He keels off and lands in one of the buckets, ungracefully crying out as he falls.
"Fuck you, Sirius Black!" he flails his arms desperately, attempting to free himself of the bucket stuck on his bottom.
"Funny. I was thinking the same thing." Sirius replies huskily.
---
Sirius Fucking Black –
I hate you.
– Remus
---
Moony –
You enjoyed every second of it.
– Padfoot
---
Sirius –
IhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIhateyou.
– Remus
---
Moony –
My mum always said two negatives don't make a positive but she never said anything about four…
– Padfoot
---
Sirius –
Ever seen an angry, chocolate-deprived werewolf?
– Remus
---
Moony –
I have now.
– Sirius
---
Remus and Sirius –
Sorry to interrupt, but this post-it thing has got to stop! I can't see my nose through the mirror anymore.
– Peter
---
Peter –
You move 'em, you eat 'em, you understand, Peter Pettigrew?
P.S.: Your nose should be under the post-it about bondage, if I'm not mistaken.
– Sirius
---
THE ONES WITH DEATH WISHES –
OH MY GAWDDD. I THINK YOU HAVE KILLED ME WITH THIS INCESSANT MIRROR CONVERSATIONS. KISS AND MAKE UP AND SCREW EACH OTHER ALREADY OR YOU WILL FEEL THE WRATH OF PRONGS.
– PRONGS
---
Prongs –
Please stop wishing for Moony and I to screw each other. It's a little perverted.
– Padfoot
---
Padfoot and Moony –
The remainder of the Marauders have agreed that you are both absolute IDIOTS. Moony, you are a stubborn ass for not accepting Padfoot's apologies, and Padfoot, you're a foolish moron if you think Moony will accept your apologies. You shouldn't have messed up in the first place.
IF YOU DON'T MAKE UP IN THE NEXT HOUR WORMTAIL AND I WILL LOCK YOU IN THE DORMITORY AND EAT THE KEY. GRRR.
– Wormtail and Prongs
---
Wormtail and Prongs –
Locking us into the dormitory? Ooh, do it anyway. Sounds saucy.
– Padfoot
---
Sirius –
Stop. Being. Pervy.
P.S.: There is no key to the dormitory.
– Remus
---
Moony –
Sex please?
– Padfoot
---
Sirius –
Are you trying to make me mad?
– Remus
---
Moony –
Do you want me to make you mad?
– Padfoot
---
Sirius –
Answering a question with another question is rude.
– Remus
---
"Maybe we should just break the damn mirror." James suggests vengefully, wielding a make believe hammer as he stands on the toilet. Peter shakes his head.
"Then they'd use the shower wall."
"Then let's break the shower wall." James hops down from the toilet and shrugs recklessly. "I could use the work out." He lazily tries to flex his upper arm.
"Then they'd use the toilet bowl."
"Then let's demolish the goddamn bathroom."
"Wouldn't it be easier to just murder the two of them?"
James furrows his eyebrows together, "Yes, but this looks better in the paperwork."
---
Moony and Padfoot –
Here's the official warning. Do not pass go and straight to jail. If you two don't make up within the day Wormtail and I are dragging McGonagall into this.
– The Sane Ones In The Group
---
The Idiots In The Group –
BRING IT ON. WE LIKE THE POST-ITS.
– Padfoot
---
"…I didn't think they'd actually go to McGonagall."
The silence gracing the shadow eclipsed dormitory is enough to hear a pin dropping on the floor. Remus taps his fingertips on his knee and awkwardly meets Sirius' glance.
"I didn't think McGonagall would actually give them a key." Sirius replies truthfully.
"I didn't think the dormitory door actually had a lock."
"…I didn't know I owned that many post-its."
Sirius sees a small smile on the edge of Remus' mouth. It's slightly contagious as he feels a snicker escape his lips.
"Why were you mad at me again?"
Remus crawls out of the darkness and into the ray of moonlight falling through the dormitory window, readjusting his position on the floor. "I don't remember." He laughs lightly.
"So… I'm forgiven?"
"…ish." Remus agrees. After a few more moments of silence grace the air, he feels Sirius' hand worm its way over to grasp at his fingers.
"You know… they'll expect us to be fighting."
Remus stares at Sirius' suggestive gaze. "You're right," the werewolf sits up, "they probably won't expect us to be out of here in a while."
With the realization made, both boys simultaneously pounce at each other, their lips melding together hungrily. Sirius' hand snakes its way up Remus' chest and rides up his shirt while Remus' hand slips up Sirius' neck to his hair as though it's natural routine.
---
"We're getting rid of these things," James declares loudly, heaving out a stalk of pompously pink post-its, "for sure."
Peter nods along in fervent agreement.
"Wormtail," James holds out his hand in proposal, "Would you do the honors?"
With a noisy laugh, Peter shovels the sticky notes into the trashcan while James rips apart a pair with his teeth.
"Post-its, zero, Potter, one. I'm winning!" James yells triumphantly.
---
Prongs –
You can't get rid of these things that easily.
HAHAHA.
– Padfoot
AN: Aww… Poor Prongise XD
Happy early Valentine's Day, all of you!!