-1This chapter took a long time. I'm sorry. I've had a lot of stuff just, getting crazy in my life. So I apologize for the delay.

"You are my sweetest downfall.

I loved you first, I loved you first…"

~Regina Spektor- Samson

What is it about suicide that is so prominent? I feel the cool ledge beneath my bare feet and the wind whipping my hair around. I feel indestructible but I know that in the back of my head, one wrong move and I'm just a big glob of human entrails on the unforgiving city sidewalk.

I feel his presence now more than ever.

I need to be near him now. I need to feel his hand on my cheek. I need to know that its going to be okay, but it never is. It never will be.

Just tell me, Will. Tell me you love me. I can hang on if I hear it.

You say I shine like the stars, but they're just old light.

Tell me I'm beautiful. I'll believe it if you tell me.

I feel tears wetting my face. ///

Baby, I know where you go to cry. I see you sometimes, on your balcony in my dreams. I see you crying and I want you to know that it is alright. It will be alright.

Maybe me and you won't change history, maybe we won't be mentioned years from now, but you are my sweetest downfall, and you have to know that I loved you first. I loved you first.

Hear me calling you down from that balcony. Everything will be alright. It'll be just fine if you can hang onto something. Hang onto my hand. I'll never let go if you hold it first.

If only you knew, sweetheart. ///

I climb down from my failed threat of a self-extermination.

I need to dial his phone and hear his voice. I'll play it off as though nothing happened. As if I wasn't crying.

"Will?" Baby?

"Hey Karen, how are you?" I miss you so much.

"Oh, fine, what are you up to?" I need you.

"Nothing much." I'll be over in a heartbeat if you ask me. Ask me.

"Can you come over?" …you have to come over.

"Yeah, I'll be there soon." I love you I love you I love you.

"Okay, see you then." You're always so far away. ///

Lace my shoes.

No need for a jacket, its nice out.

It smells like rain as I step outside. What time is it?

Oh yeah, eleven.

Its late.

Why does she always call so late?

I think its because she hates those long nights alone. I wish I could just tell her how much I hate them too. I wish we never had to be apart.

Can this really be happening? Can I really be falling for this woman I used to battle on wits end?

I only want to make her smile.

What does it mean when your whole day will be fine if I made her smile? Is that love? Is it just a moot fascination?

I get in a cab.

The drive seems like its forever. It takes forever to get to her. Why is she always so far away?

I wonder if she's been drinking. (She's always fucking drinking.)

I walk in and there she is.

Sitting on the kitchen counter dangling her feet.

There is so much to her. So much more than what she shows. I see it sometimes.

When she smiles.

My day would be worthwhile if I could make her smile. ///

Will, your face makes me tremble.

Do you love me?

So much left unsaid.

Come into my bed.

I've been waiting forever for you to take me away.

My highs wearing off.

I need it. I couldn't possibly spend a whole night sober. What could I do? A vicodin?

I need a razor is what I need…

One perfect slit. No, two. One on each arm.

Vertically down my forearm. It'd bleed out. And then…nothing. No more pain.

Maybe I'll live in a moment where I was happy. Happy with Will.

He comes over and puts his arms around me. Maybe he knows how much I hurt.

Maybe not.

How could I know?

"I have to use the bathroom," I say.

He lets go of me and I walk to the bathroom, holding back tears.

The razor is so easy to access.

I cut a little bit. Ugh, what am I doing? Am I seriously doing this?///

She's been gone too long. No water running. No toilet flushing. Not even a pill bottle being opened.

I push open the door and she drops something in the sink and turns quickly towards me.

Blood.

Dripping.

Oh, Karen.

"Sweetie," I say and I rush to her.

I grab a towel and I put pressure on it. ///

Ugh its going to stop bleeding now.

I was going to put it in warm water so it didn't stop.

Is he going to stay with me? I hope he stays with me.///

I bring her up to her room and she's sobbing. Sobbing and I don't even know why.

We hold the cloth there.

I think the blood stopped but I can't let go. I'll never let go.

It wasn't deep.

She might've cut deeper if I hadn't walked in. I don't know, I don't want to think about what might have happened if I didn't walk in. Thank God I walked in. ///

God dammit, why did he walk in? Just let me die. Please.///

It'll be okay. I wish she could know that.

I'll be here all night. I'll never ever let go.

I'll never let her die.

Why?

I love her.

"I love you so much, Karen. Fuck the rules, I don't care anymore. I love you."

She cries harder.

There's no talking to her.

She doesn't hear me.

She never hears me.

She never hears when she's not listening.