The cosmic joke
2007 Movieverse
What if the Allspark had a sense of humor? What if Bumblebee was a fan of ABBA? What if Megatron was Mikaela's uncle? Transformers silliness ensues! Crackfic.
This started as a joke between a friend and I after looking at the rumors of the Transformers sequel. We rented Transformers: The Movie and the live action Transformers, to feed our fangirlish flames. High on sugar cookies and hot chocolate, I began to type up a whole bunch of what-ifs that eventually spawned this crack filled fanfic. It has randomness, humor, a tiny bit of seriousness and one instance of adultish BotXHuman horizontal, nothing explict though.
Now, before reading, I'd like to thank my beta tester 'Hellhath' for his typo spotting ability, and his amazing brain for being able to stand my atrocious spelling. Despite both not being Transformers fans. I'd also like to thank my buddy Christina for planting her crack inspired ideas into my head every weekend.
Oh, and just so you know, this fic has all the established pairings from the movie verse. But there's one crack pairing in here, which will be made known in later chapters. So no complaining about not including slash or yuri or whatsit...sorry. No can do. If you don't like straight couples, don't read.
Now, on to the strangeness that is 'Cosmic Joke'!
Nutritional facts: Contains high amounts of Allsparkness and insects
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Chapter 1- A duty most absurd
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Sam didn't know what happened. One second he was holding the Allspark in his hands, directly to Megatron's spark aka his heart. The next second however, he was covered with some weird glowing blue light. A light that engulfed the nearest beings in the area. Namely Sam and Megatron. Everything else was gone. The city, the Autobots, everything. It was like some white void of non-existence. This literally scared the -beep- out of him, because if the old metal monster woke up due to this light, and found him next to him, he was officially screwed. But before he thought of any and all possible ways to get out of this situation. A voice called out to him.
" Human." said a deep, yet very calming voice from a blue glowing ball of light right above him. " Sam Witwicky." it said again.
Sam looked at the ball of light curiously. Somehow, but not knowing exactly how, he knew this voice and light belonged to the Allspark. There was just no denying it. It's presence and energy flooding the entire space that Sam and Megatron occupied just now. Best to not let it wait, Sam cleared his throat...
" Um..yea?" he answered nervously, not knowing how to address a previously giant alien cube. Your cubeness? He didn't know. He just decided to roll with it. After all, this Allspark thing, was like the Cybertronian equalvalnet to a god. No telling what this thing could do if it got angered in some way. And he was not going to be the first human to find out either.
" Sam Witwicky. You are a very brave young man. I have been watching you and I'm going to give a duty....before I depart."
A duty? What exactly did that entail? If the Allspark was giving him, a mere human, a duty..that must mean it's a pretty big deal.
" This duty is not to be taken lightly. Although little interaction is required, you will be in charge of keeping watch over Megatron."
'Say what?!' Thought Sam. 'Oh nononono!'
Keep watch on the most evil being in the universe? Not happening. And the Allspark was going to allow him to live? Why? He killed millions upon millions of beings and planets...almost destoryed Mission City, and was hell-bent of the extermination of the entire human race. And he was going to live to cause more chaos?
" Excuse me...um, your Allsparkness. But, why are you allowing someone as evil as Megatron live? You do know that he.."
" Yes, I'm aware of his actions. I'm also aware of yours. Megatron has killed many, but did you not kill him too? Optimus' brother and only living sibling?"
'Oh god! I killed his brother!? He didn't tell me they were related!' he thought, while looking at the giant metal corpse of Megatron. Great. He was a hero in his own right, but he also made Optimus an only child. And while old Megs wasn't the most sane member of the Prime family, Sam didn't want to take away the last bit of family Optimus had.
" Sam Witwicky." said the voice again. " Your duty is to oversee Megatron's actions, as I am going to give him a second chance to redeem himself. I have done this once before with another being, but he had failed me. I wish to see Megatron succeed where the other didn't. He did not have guidance, but you will fit that purpose nicely."
" What if I don't want to watch him?"
" I have considered that possibility as well. I have a few things I can do that would be...rather unpleasant. I do not ever wish to kill any living being, but I can make it so, you would wish you were dead."
Sam gulped. Ok, the Allspark wasn't exactly asking him to do this, it was ordering him to do this. 'No' isn't an option.
" But why me? Isn't there someone else? This duty would be better suited to one of his kind. Maybe even Optimus himself, since they're family and all. I mean, what do I know about Cybertronians?"
" Who said he would be Cybertronian?" it said with a hint of mischievousness.
" What?..W..what do you mean by.."
But before Sam could finish, the Allspark suddenly began to glow brightly. And just as it started, it stopped, and the blue light faded around them. Sam was temporarly blinded for a minute, until he realized where he was. Back in Mission City, on the street, on the ground, with Optimus just left of him on the sidewalk. Mikaela was running toward him from the tow truck with Bumblebee. Sam smiled, they were was ok. 'Thank you god! Thank you!' He cried silently as Mikaela called out for him again.
" Sam!" shouted Mikaela, wrapping herself around him. Fearing he might diappear again. " Are you alright? You disappeared and then came back. What happened?"
While he was glad Mikaela was alive and well, Sam was still a little dazed over the events that took place. Things were just going by way too fast for him. First the Allspark, and then this weird duty. He was beginning to wonder if this was some really messed up dream. Or that he got knocked out by some flying debris when he killed...
" Megatron!" he shouted, getting up suddenly, only to feel really light-headed and almost falling over again. " Where's...where is he? Did we win?"
" Take it easy Sam! Megatron is gone." said Optimus, catching him with his huge metal hand. Sam looked up at Optimus, trying to make heads or tails of the whole thing.
"Gone? But...but...The Allspark!"
" Is also gone, I fear. But, thanks to you, this world has been saved, and a great threat has been defeated." said Optimus
" B..But...I was...talking to the Allspark." he stammered.
" What?" asked Ironhide " The Allspark spoke to you?"
" The boy is in shock." said Ratchet, doing a quick scan of Sam's body for stress and injury. " Take it easy, and tell us exactly what happened."
" I did...I am! I was talking to the Allspark! It said something about me and having a duty..but..but.."
" But what? Megatron's body disappeared, as you had a moment ago, but it did not come back. Where did it go? Where did the Allspark send him to?" asked Optimus curiously.
Sam rubbed his temples nervously, and was about to come up with a believable answer, when Mikaela shouted.
" Sam! You guys! There's someone in there. I think he's really hurt."
All eyes and optics turned to where Mikaela was. A human victim? Ratchet practically flew to the area. He was already contacting the nearest hospital. Sam stood next to her and looked down, scanning the rubble and debris. There, his brown eyes fell on something lying in the dead center of a crater. Sam gasped. There was no way. It couldn't be...could it? He had to take a closer look, he slid a bit halfway inside the crater.
"Oh my god." Sam breathed, eyes wide in shock. " Its him, it has to be him."
Mikaela called to Sam from above " Who, Sam? Do you know him?"
Oh, he knew him alright. There was no mistaking who he was. He'd been chased by that big, flaming, hulking mass of rage and death half way across the city. Somehow, not knowing exactly how, he knew who it was. It was Megatron...minus the metal.
Sam stood over the figure in horror and awe. Laying in the huge crater that was made by Megatron's former body, was a bruised and cut up figure of a older man, naked, shivering, and curled up. His breathing was very strained, and blood was peeking out of the corner of his mouth. Slightly graying black hair was matted with dirt and something that looked like oil. The next words to come out of Sam's mouth was..
" 'Kayla...could...can you get me a blanket or something? Please?"
Mikaela did just that, and grabbed a southwestern looking blanket out of the tow truck she hot wired. She gave it to Sam, who proceeded to cover the man up. Sam noticed a large burn mark on the man's chest.
" From the Allspark's energy." he thought. The man's shivering stopped a bit. But his breathing was still raspy. Sam didn't know what he could do about that. He was pretty sure something got broken in there. And Sam wondered why the Allspark hadn't healed him before transforming him into a human.
Ratchet spoke up " There are doctors on their way to pick him up for medical attention."
Sam nodded in acknowledgment while trying to wrap his head around what had just happened a few minutes ago. It was the Allspark's work that did this. It freakin done it. It wasn't kidding about giving Megatron a second chance in another form...just..Sam wasn't expecting this form.
'Damn.' He thought, scratching the back of his neck. He was going to have alot of explaining to do.
Captain Lennox arrived in a jeep not too long ago and was talking to the Autobots about something. Mikaela was listening to them and then spoke up. " Hey, it's ok with me. I'm kind of worried about that guy though." She pointed to where Sam was.
Captain Lennox took a glance and then looked back talking again. " Not one of mine."
'Of course not.' Thought Sam. And good thing nobody realized who it really was, except him though. But that didn't matter, he walked away from the figure and towards the hulking red and blue Peterbilt truck. He had to tell Optimus about this. I mean, Megatron was his only sibling. He deserved to know the truth.
" Optimus?"
" Yes Sam?" said Optimus, turning to the young human below him.
" This guy here...You know him, we all know him."
" What do you mean, Sam?"
" Optimus...that's your brother. Megatron."
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Author's note: So Megs has become human, big whoop here. There's like four thousand fan fics on this exact subject, no? However, it didn't stop me from attempting to write about it anyways. I also wanted to make sure it was kept realistic somewhat. Because there's no way a million year old robot being would be twenty or something. Megs is an old man here, probley around his early 40s. And he's the oldest brother, so that would make Optimus..eh..late 30s? If he were human, which he isn't in this fic. But there's alot of him.
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Blooper: " Human." said a deep, yet very calming voice from a blue glowing ball of light. " Sam Witwicky." it said again.
Sam looked at the ball of light above him, curiously. Somehow, but not knowing exactly how, he knew this voice and light belonged to the Allspark. There was just no denying it. It's presence and energy flooding the entire space that Sam and Megatron occupied just now. Best to not let it wait, Sam cleared his throat...
Sam: " Um..yea?"
Allspark: " ....Wazzzzup!"
Sam- " 0___o;;;"