Downfalls of Domesticity

Joe Morelli unlocked his front door and stepped through just as his dog, Bob, came charging at him in excitement. "Hey Dufus!" He reached out and pushed him down while petting him. "Have you been good? You eat anything important today?"

Bob continued to bounce around at Joe's feet, all the while looking at him with an 'I haven't got a clue what you could possibly be talking about' look on his face.

Joe tossed his keys on the side tables and finished petting Bob. "Where's Stephanie huh?" He asked the dog before hollering out her name. "Stephanie?"

"Hey." She appeared at the bottom of the steps holding a laundry basket full of dirty clothes.

"Oh Baby! That's what I'm wanna see!" He told her grinning.

"You better be referring to our ability to do laundry now and not to the image of me being all domestic Morelli!" She told him giving him a slight glare.

"Trust me Cupcake." He said as he walked over and kissed her. "I'm much more excited about finally having a washer and dryer right now then I am about your domesticity."

"Well you better be." She smirked at him.

Joe walked past her into the kitchen and pulled a bottle of water out of the fridge. "So I'm guessing my brother got a hold of you?"

"Uh huh." She answered, resting the laundry basket on her hip as she reached out for his water, taking a sip and handing it back to him. "Paulie called me around 10:30 this morning. He said he tried you, but got your voicemail."

"Yeah, I was in meetings all morning." He popped a grape in his mouth from the bowl Stephanie had in the fridge for Rex, her hamster. "So is that our first official load of laundry?" Joe asked, tossing a few grapes in the air for Bob, who ate them, never once tasting them.

"No, second load. Paulie called, said he got both the washer and dryer in and hooked up. So I ran home at lunch time and threw in a load of wash. I'm about to move that load to the dryer. And if you keep feeding him grapes, you're walking him for the next three days. You know what grapes do to Bob." She picked up the laundry basket and started walking toward the basement stairs.

Joe made a face as he followed her. "Good point. Forgot about that. So I kept trying to call you this afternoon. I didn't know if Paulie called already. I kept getting your voicemail. Where were you?"

She turned to face him at the top of the basement stairs. "I went to lunch with Lula and Tank. On the way back to the office my mom called. When I went to drop my phone back in the phone compartment of my purse, I must have missed and it fell under the seat I guess." She shrugged. "Hope you didn't leave anything too good on my voicemail. Lester's the one who finally found it. When I realized it wasn't in my purse, I started calling it. God only knows what Lester's done to it at this point."

"Well that explains the new outgoing message the last time I called you." Joe laughed.

"Oh God! What did that idiot do?" She asked, wide eyed.

"You'll have to listen for yourself Cupcake!" Joe laughed at her this time. "Have you walked Bob yet?"

"No. I only got home a few minutes before you."

"Okay. Want to walk him down to the park with me?"

"Sure. But we need to wait for Ranger. He and Binky are coming over to drop off my phone any minute now."

Joe looked out the front window as she said that and saw the black truck had already pulled up and Ranger Manoso was getting out.

Stephanie followed his glaze out the front window. "Let me start the next load of laundry. Answer the door and play nice. I'll be right back." She said as she started down the steps to the basement before hollering back up them. "And because I am being so wonderfully domestic and doing your laundry, you get to carry the plastic bag of Bob poop!"

Joe was still laughing at that when he opened the front door to Ranger. "Hey." He nodded to him.

Ranger gave a slight nod back. "Apparently she left her phone in the truck. She may want to check it. Santos was playing with it."

"So I heard. He---" Joe was cut off by the blood curdling scream that came from the basement. He took off down the steps, Ranger right behind him; both of them had their guns drawn. A second later, Binky, who had seen both of them take off from the front door showed up behind them, gun in hand as well.

Stephanie was on top of the washing machine, her complexion paled, breathing hard, and eyes wide. "Shoot it!" She screamed at them. "Shoot it! Shoot it!"

"What? What's wrong?" Joe asked with a nervous edge in his voice.

"The dryer! Shoot it!" She screamed again. "It's in the dryer!"

Joe, Ranger and Binky still had their guns in their hands. With his gun trained on the dryer Joe reached for the handle with his left hand. "Wait!" Stephanie screamed at him, making him jump some. "Get me the hell out of her first!" She said as she launched herself off the washer and at Ranger who was standing the closest.

"Relax." Ranger told her. He went to set her down, realized she had no intention of putting her feet on the basement floor and handed her to Binky.

"Go upstairs." Joe told her as Binky took her over and set her on the steps. Stephanie wasted no time hurrying up the stairs.

Once she was back on the first floor Joe looked back at the dryer. He realized he was still holding his guy and re-holstered it. Ranger and Binky did the same. Joe reached for the dryer door handle again.

"Wait." Binky said, causing both Joe and Ranger to look at him. "I'm not the only one worried that its body parts right? I mean I hate it when it's body parts. And with her, well, body parts happen." Ranger and Joe stared at him for a second. "Oh just open the damn thing already! I was just saying I hope it's not body parts!"

After another moments pause Joe spoke. "Me too. The least of which is because it's a brand new dryer. We haven't even used it yet. I wonder if body parts would void our warranty?" He said more to himself than the others. Joe took a small breath and pulled down on the dryer door to open it. "Holy shit!" He exclaimed, jumping back some as he let go and the door slammed shut.

"That couldn't have been real. Could it? I mean it couldn't have been. Right?" Binky muttered.

Slowly Joe opened the dryer door again. Staring out at them, front four feet poised to crawl out on the door at the hinge was the largest spider he had ever seen. Larger than anything he'd ever seen at either a zoo or pet shop. And there it sat, silently staring at them.

After a moment contemplating the huge arachnid, Ranger pulled a knife out of his boot, reached over and impaled it. "Rubber." He told them as he slid the spider off his knife. "Really real looking, but fake." He looked up at Morelli. "You got any ideas?"

Joe grimaced but started to laugh some. "Unfortunately, yeah. My brother. He's an idiot. She is so going to kill him. But yeah, he put the washer and dryer in this morning."

Just then there was another scream from upstairs, followed by the sound of something crashing, another scream and the sound of Stephanie tearing out the front door yelling for Bob.

They all rushed up the stairs. A quick look into the kitchen showed an empty beer bottle on the floor, the remains of Joe's bottle of water from earlier spilled on the counter, broken pieces of plates and Rex's cage missing. The cupboard door still hung open. Yup, just as he thought. Stephanie must have come upstairs, drained an entire beer, in record time no less, and then reached into the cupboard to pull out plates. Shaking his head Joe reached into the cupboard and pulled another fake spider out from the back of the plates. "Oh he is such a dead man when she gets a hold of him."

Just then Stephanie started honking the horn on Ranger's truck. In Binky's haste to run inside, he had left it running. Joe, Ranger and Binky walked out to the truck. Stephanie was still obviously shaken. She was in the passenger seat, Rex's cage on her lap and Bob was half in the backseat and half in the front seat, his front paws on the center console.

"Your dog is shedding in my vehicle." Ranger said to Joe, who only got a slight grin.

Obviously they weren't moving fast enough for her because Stephanie hit the horn once again before gesturing wildly to get them moving to the car. As they got closer she lowered the window two inches. "We're going to have to get an exterminator! Maybe they should do the house twice! Call your cousin!" She yelled out the opening of the window at Joe.

"My cousin?" He asked confused.

"Yes! Don't you have a Morelli exterminator cousin? There's a Morelli cousin for everything else! Get whoever he is on the phone and get his ass over here! Tonight!"

"Steph---"

"Maybe they'll have to tent the whole house! We'll stay at my mom's!"

"Steph---"

Once again she cut him off, panic still evident in her voice. "OH MY GOD! What if it's an infestation? What if they are in the whole neighborhood?" Her voice going up in pitch as she spoke. "My mom's is too close! What if they're in the whole Burg?"

"Stephanie---" Joe actually managed to get out her whole name this time.

"Safe house! Take me to a safe house! You two always want to lock me up in a safe house, well now's your chance!"

"Babe." Was all Ranger said to her. Before he could add more she cut him off as well.

"No! Safe house! I'm going and I'm not coming back till multiple sources assure me those things are all dead!"

"For this she's willing to go to a safe house?" Binky asked in amazement.

Ranger just gave him a look and Binky shut up, but Joe could tell even Ranger was amused.

"Cupcake it's okay."

"No, no, no, no, no it's not okay! Don't you 'Cupcake' me! This is so far from okay it's not even funny!"

"Babe they're fake." Ranger told her, holding out the one he had taken out of the dryer.

Stephanie was ready to continue her argument, but that caught her off guard. "I-- wait, fake?"

"Really good fakes." Binky added from behind Ranger and Joe. "Fooled me. But then I was worried it was body parts in the dryer." Again, Ranger gave him a look and again he quickly shut up.

Stephanie lowered the truck window all the way down. "And the one in the kitchen?"

"Fake too." Ranger told her as he opened the door for her. He took Rex's cage from her and handed it to Binky.

"Come on." Joe took her hand to encourage her out of the truck.

She sat there for a moment before reaching over and turning off the truck and pulling out the keys with her left hand. Stephanie handed the keys to Ranger as she slowly got out. She took about two steps before rounding on Joe. Her eyes flashed, her jaw clenched. "Paulie!" She snapped at him.

"Okay now Cupcake, don't get excited." Joe tried. She continued to give him her best Burg glare. "Okay, yes, it had to of been Paulie, but don't get excited now. It was just a little joke."

"Little joke? Little joke! I'm going to kill him! Little joke! When I get a hold of him—give me your gun!" She barked at him.

"No." Joe told her. "I'm a cop. Besides, he's my brother."

Stephanie continued to glare at him for a moment before turning to Ranger. "You're not a cop! Give me one of yours!" She held out her hand, actually expecting Ranger to just hand over one of his weapons. "When I get a hold of that little…" she trailed off too angry for words.

"Babe."

Stephanie knew that meant it wasn't going to happen. Her eyes fixed on Binky, standing there on the sidewalk holding Rex's aquarium cage. Binky's eyes nervously flickered back and forth between Stephanie, Ranger and Joe.

"No." Was all Ranger said.

"Well damn it! I don't have any bullets for my gun!"

Joe took her by the arm and started to lead her back up on the porch. "You're not going to shoot my brother. First of all it would be a ton of paperwork I'd have to deal with." He grinned at her, but her Burg glare was still holding strong. "And secondly, my mother doesn't like it when one of us gets shot. It would create a whole mess of drama in my family and next thing you know, Bella's claiming to put the eye on you. Plus it would make dinner at my Mom's on Sunday…. difficult. You are not shooting my brother."

"Fine!" She threw her hands up and stormed into the house, the three of them following. Stephanie went to her purse and started rummaging through it. "I won't shoot the no-good-son-of-a-bitch." She yanked her stun gun out of the depths of her bag and clicked it to make sure it was charged. "I'm gonna stun gun his ass!"

"Steph…"

"Babe."

"No!" She spun around and faced Joe, arms waving as she yelled. "I'm gonna stun him, and everybody can watch him twitching around on the floor while he pees himself! And even your crazy old grandma won't fault me for that once she finds out what he did!"

Joe had to struggle not to laugh, both at the image of his brother and at Stephanie as her "Italian" side came out as she ranted. "Um, okay. I can live with that." He shrugged. "Just be sure to do it on the hardwood. My mom won't be happy if Paulie pees on the carpet."

"Fine!" She snapped at him. "Now I'm going to go change my clothes and then we are going out because I need a beer! And maybe a donut." She told them then stormed off up the stairs mumbling different ways to hurt Paulie.

By the time Stephanie made it upstairs Joe burst out laughing. Even Ranger was grinning. Binky, who was still dutifully holding Rex's cage kept looking back and forth between the two. Joe could tell he wanted to laugh but wasn't sure he should.

Ranger spoke first. "And here I thought dinner with her family was interesting."

Joe shrugged as he took Rex's cage from Binky. "We're Italian. We're an emotional people."

Just then a shriek was heard from the upstairs followed loudly by "God damn him! I am so going to hurt him!"

Joe sighed as he set Rex down in his spot in the kitchen. "I gotta call my brother and find out just exactly how many of those things he hid."

"Good luck Morelli." Ranger told him as he and Binky started to walk out the door. "You're going to need it."

"I know." He said, mainly to himself. "Believe me, I know."

THE END