THE BURNING OF PERSEPOLIS, A SPOOF

BY Lysis (February 2009)

Pairing: Alexander/Hephaistion, and a supporting cast of the page, Hermalous; Alexander's dog Peritas, a few Persian envoys, as well as several other pages who wandered onto this scene with great trepidation……and the wild antics of Ptolemy and his beloved, Thais, and the entire Macedonian army, somewhat drunk, exhausted and happy no longer to be fighting, having a great time looting, plundering, pillaging….. and doing all those little things that armies do when they are involved in sacking a city.

Disclaimer: This is a spoof based on my own twisted imagination as to why Persepolis might have burned so please don't take it seriously. Lots of four letter words.

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SCENE: The palace of Persepolis, Persia, Alexander's private chamber. He and Hephaistion are lolling about on top of large bed, relaxing discussing the amount of loot they've just taken, there are chests of gold, jewels, spices, etc., lined up along the wall, Alexander has been inspecting them and listening to the looting of his troops in the street.

Alexander:"The men seem to be enjoying themselves, don't they Phai? I want them to be happy. We'll clean the city up tomorrow. They just need to let off a little steam now. They're all good boys." Hephaistion eyes him thoughtfully as he sips wine.

Over those sounds come the nearer noises of wild reverie: Ptolemy and his beloved Herteia, Thais are frolicking in the hallway, where a lively komos has formed behind them.

Hephaistion who has peeked out in the hallway at the commotion draws in an exasperated breath: "She's at it again. Sweet Apollo deliver us!" Shakes his head. "I've told him time and again, 'Ptolemy, control that woman of yours, she likes a maenad when she's drinking.' Looking pointedly at Alexander, You should be there, I'm telling you, she'll listen to you! Not even he can control her when she's like this! You know from experience how to deal with a wild, maenadic woman!" Hephaistion is frowning now mightily as he watches Thais who is screaming out something unintelligible and has a lit torch in one hand and large overflowing goblet of wine in the other.

Alexander has small solid gold casket in his lap and is running his fingers through the contents uncut rubies from India tosses one to Hephaistion and cants his head to one side giving Hephaistion a bright smile: "Oh, come now Phai, a little wine never hurt anyone. We've reason to celebrate. Anyway, they're just warming up. I can tell by the sound of their voices. They'll wait till we get there before things really heat up." He clears his throat, suddenly his mood changes, his body tenses and starts rolling his eyes like a nervous horse while studying Hephaistion who is lying with an indolent grace beside him: Don't mention Mother, you'll spoil my mood."

Hephaistion pouts a little, then purrs and smiles up at him and puts a larger silver bound coffer in his lap. "Here, Xandros count the gold in this coffer; you haven't done that yet.." Alexander begins to purr contentedly as Hephaistion caresses his back and strokes a handful of gold coins across his face as though they are a cooling cloth. "Ah, that's so gooooood. Why can't we just stay here like this all day? You and I and all this….stuff. Hmmmmmmm. I love being King, a conqueror, don't you Phai? Isn't it wonderful to have wild, barbarian peoples throwing themselves at your feet, screaming out your name in glorious, worshipful praise?" Chink of gold coins heard in background.

Alexander smiles (yes, again) very pleased with himself as he plunges his hands into another casket – this of giant pearls: "I am king of Persia; I am King of Maced.... fuck what now!" Swears as page delivers a scroll from Macedon bearing Olympias personal seal of Dionysius (in bright red wax) cavorting with a fawn, satyr, and giant snake. The face of Dionysus looks suspiciously like Alexander with a wide, ecstatic smile and a…well, yes, we'll just let that one go.

Hephaistion making "tisking" noises: "Another letter from Mommy Dearest? Here, give it here, I'll burn it like all the others." Gets up from couch, goes over to Alexander, tries to grab letter Alexander pulls it back.

Alexander with whiny voice: Noooooo, I can't!" Sighs heavily gulps down six cups of wine in quick succession. "I have to read it. We burned the others. Says a bit mournfully as he looks at all twelve braziers scattered about room that are piled high with smoking ash: "I have to read this one, at least, you know if I don't she'll know. Don't ask me how, I just know she will and then her next letter will be..."

Hephaistion, sighs and shakes his head in agreement: I know, I know....Gods above how I know!." He motions to page for a couple more craters of wine. "Leave them here, okay, that's good." Motions to a pretty page, standing nearby. "Go on, Gorgias, go, and join the fun. I understand Krateros and his troops are looting the public market and stews. Why don't you go join them? You've worked hard and deserve some fun." Hephaistion hugs him and Gorgias heads from room smiling, turns back suddenly as Hephaistion shouts at him. "Wait; here take this torch with you so you can see where you're going when you get outside. It's pretty dark out there. Oh, and watch out for Philotas, when you pass his chambers he's in a pissy mood tonight."

Alexander mumbles to himself while reading Olympias' letter. Hephaistion watches, Alexander becoming more and more agitated, emitting little squeals of frustration and grunts of anger. "No! No, by the Gods, No, I won't have it!" Slams fist onto ivory table in front of him one of the craters' spills over, Peritas immediately runs over begins to slurp up the spilled wine that begins to run like a small stream through center of room. Hermalous, favored page of Alexander comes running into room, troubled look on his face.

Hermalous: "Alexander, my King, what ever is the matter?" Immediately turns to Hephaistion, with hands on hips, "What has she done to him this time?"

Alexander shrieking at top of lungs: "Fucking Dionysius! She's coming here!!!!!" Stops suddenly and glances around looking very paranoid, "Ah, no, no I didn't mean that. Forgive me, Dionysius." Begins to moan loudly clutching at paper: "Gods! Chain me to a rock like Prometheus, Zeus strike me dead!" Falls on knees on floor, tears his chiton, rips at his hair, hands up raised cries loudly: Oh, help!" Tries to calm himself, makes offering of some spices before altar, begins again. "Zeus! Great Father to us all. You, Zeus Thunderer giver of justice, captor of the Titans, I beseech you, oh hear me, hear the woes and cries of your son. Your golden one! Apollo, Golden armed god of light! You who give voice to your oracle and taught man the use of the bow, and the lyre and music lend me your strength, and your tongue, especially that yes….. Oh, Mother Dia, greatest oh, most blessed of women. You whose loving arms hold your children in times of peril hear me! Herakles, my brother I beseech your aid," Suddenly looks up frowning looks thoughtful, "Ah, there was something else too, but I forget…hmmm. Oh well. Yeah, where was I? Oh, Great and beautiful Athene, grey-eyed goddess who rules all things with a wise and beautiful heart…….ah, ah" Glances around a bit wildly. "Oh, yeah, blessed Cypriot, dear golden tressed one, Aphro….." Glances up at Hephaistion who rolls his eyes and mutters: "You're taking it a bit far. Just beg for mercy, remind him you're his son and having problems with Mommy, it always works for you."

Alexander smiles looks relieved and continues: "Yeah, all of you guys up there in Olympus, especially, Zeus, yeah, Dad, I beg your indulgence. It's me, ah, Alexander, you know, one of your sons, the Macedonian one…you know, you may remember my Mom, and the snake and the earring…. I beg -" turns as another page hovers at edge of doorway, clearing throat, another scroll, this time thicker with larger seal that of Antipiter is in his hands.

Glowering, Alexander bounds to his feet and stalks over to unfortunate page. "What now! Can't a man have a little peace and quiet in his own massive palace! For Zeus sake! I just conquered a city! Give me a break here!" Page is cowering Alexander pulls scroll from his hands. "Gods! It's a good thing we're not in the middle of hot sex, Hephaistion it would be coitus interuptus!" Unrolls scroll reading quickly, slaps hand to face falls back on couch, clutching chest, rolling about dramatically and squeals, "Oh, oh, oh, my gods! Kill me now, Zeus, kill me now!"

Hephaistion runs to his side, panic stricken, wine cup in hand tries to lift Alexander and pour wine into his mouth. Hermalous hovers uselessly flinging hands out at his sides muttering to himself. "Why didn't I join the others tonight in the looting? I could have been happily burn…." Then turns quickly to Alexander who appears to be choking: My King, please, please, what is it?"

Alexander, hand to heart, thrusts scroll at Hephaistion, grabbing wine cup with other hand, gulps it down, thrusts it to Hermalous: "More, I need more, a lot more! A whole lot more, just bring the barrel!"

Alexander turns to Hephaistion screaming as Hermalous and other pages get wine: Antipiter is killing mice! He's spending my hard-earned money to battle mice, Hephaistion! Oh, oh, Zeus kill me now! I, I can't take it anymore, Hephaistion, I tell you, it's just too much..." Hephaistion takes scroll tossing it on table where scroll from Olympias rests. Hermalous comes over and strokes Alexander' back. Hephaistion growls loudly, Hermalous backs away from Alexander while Peritas comes over and begins to nuzzle his master. After a few moments, Alexander eyes closed sighs, "Ah, yes, that's soooooo much better. Hermalous, you have such a gentle touch. Just a little lower, yes, right down, there, by my left shoulder blade. I've got this itch...." Sighs deeply. Hermalous smiles then looks up at Hephaistion who mouths silently: "I've got my eye on you, mister."

Hephaistion lays down next to Alexander, cuddling, kissing ..... Hermalous runs from room muttering something about tyrants.

Alexander kissing Hephaistion's cheek, his lips, his fingers: "I love you, Hephaistion. Oh, my Hephaistion, kalos, kalos Hephaistion, kalos. You are the sun and the stars, the moon, the sea, the ponds, the lakes, the rivers, the streams, the waterfalls, the little streams that gather after a rain, the public drinking water in the fountains, the bath water, not used bath water, but fresh, you know the kind that's....." Hephaistion looks at Alexander like he's never seen him before and grabs wine cup from him.

Hephaistion: "Okay, I think you've had enough of that for one night." Alexander tries to pull him back down beside him and continues.

Alexander: "Without you I'd be...." looks up and screams full out loud "Not another mother fucking scroll!" Page in doorway with yes, another scroll. This one bears the seal of Parmenion.

Alexander sitting up looking bewildered as he glances at scrolls around him: "What is it with these pieces of correspondence? Who thought this stuff up anyway? Where did the idea come from to send people letters? It was the Egyptians, wasn't it Hephaistion, it's their fault, they started using papyrus. Would it be different if we used…..," He glances around frantically, and reaches for a handful of rubies. "Correspondence on such a small surface - you'd have to write less!" He glances at pages who stand against the wall, blinking in confusion and not a little fear and moans pathetically, Hephaistion pats his forehead soothingly.

Alexander rolls, yes, again, around on couch crying out: "Furies take me now! My mind has been overcome! Oh the agony, the pain, the torment!" Another page, yes, another…Page trembling, barely able to stand up he is shaking so hard advances into room, announces envoys from Darius with several scrolls.

Alexander groans as scrolls, three hugely fat with several ornate seals fall from envoy's hand as he tries to give it them Alexander who drops them, Hephaistion leans out to grab them but falls off couch, Hermalous runs up to retrieve them, but Peritas, tipsy from too much wine, accidentally trips him. Hermalous goes flying and crashes into one of the other pages who has fingertips on one of the scroll, scroll flies up in the air. Alexander sits quietly on couch watching scroll turn in mid air over his head, hums a little tune to himself as scroll comes down and lands in open flame on small table holding scrolls from Olympias, Antipiter and Parmenion. Flames burst outward as they make contact with other scrolls and the stream of wine on the floor. With a shout Hephaistion leaps up, reaching for scrolls, Alexander stops him, strange smile on face.

Alexander in calm, but rather odd vague voice: "No, let them burn, let them all burn!" Cackling, uneasy laughter rings through room. Hephaistion and Hermalous stare at one another, Hermalous shrugs runs toward corridor where Philotas is waiting for him…….. Sound of men shouting about fire in background. Smoke is rising in spirals around them, flames envelop the tapestries and walls sound of timber crashing in background. Alexander gets off couch, grinning cherubically, wraps arm around Hephaistion's waist and sighs contentedly.

Hephaistion: "What is it, suddenly you seem much calmer?"

Alexander stroking Hephaistion's hair as the crackle of flames in background becomes a loud roar says with satisfaction: "Mommy can't come to visit if there's no where for her to stay."

They exit room.

Fini