Fallout 3: The Perk Chronicles

Written By: Self-Proclaimed KingofDDR

Hey, all! This is my first Fallout 3 fic, unless you count the Naruto/Fallout 3 Crossover that I posted in the Naruto section. I've noticed that there's a good lack of humor stories here, and while Fallout 3 is meant to be serious, so many things in the game can be seen as funny depending on who you are. So, I decided to make this, a story that shows the funny sides of the perks you can obtain. And more often than not, the chapters I write will be as a result of what happened in my own game! Anyway, hope you enjoy it!

Chapter 1

Animal Friend Equals Profit!

"Tell me again why we're following this merchant and his little bitch of a bodyguard again?" Jericho, the first follower of the 'Vault BoogeyWoman' as Three Dog called her, said, raising an eyebrow towards her.

"I told you. We're waiting until this guy and his bodyguard get killed off by something. Then, I'll just take the key off his corpse, stroll over to the Brahmin carrying his supplies, and BAM! We have enough weapons and caps to open up our own Weapon Dealership!" Nita, the Vault BoogeyWoman herself said, rolling her eyes.

"If that's the case, lover, then why don't we just shoot them ourselves and save the trouble?" Clover, the second follower, and lover, of Nita said.

"One. I'd rather save the ammo. Two. If we shoot those fools and they escape, they'll tell the rest of the merchants, and there will go our chances to have a repeat performance of this with some poor other sucker. I don't know about you, but the Good Doctor Hoff has many a Stimpack that I wouldn't mind snatching. And Three. That female bodyguard can kick some serious ass. I mean, did you see her take down that Giant Radscorpion? If I didn't have my love Clover, then I'd love to get in the sheets with her..." Nita trailed off, slightly drooling with a dazed look in her eyes.

"...What the hell am I even doing here?" Sydney said, looking dazed herself. "I thought that we were gonna secure the Declaration of Independence for Old Abraham Washington."

Dogmeat just barked. And panted.

"Settle down, Sweet-Ass," Nita said. "You're just along for the ride right now. If we're gonna have a chance of getting past those stupid robots down in the lower levels of the National Archives, we need to be prepared. ...And by prepared, I mean find or steal a Stealth Boy from someone, use it, and just steal the damn thing without those buckets of bolts being the wiser."

"Well, this shit is taking too long," Jericho grumbled, crossing his arms. "We haven't killed anything in like one hour. If some shit doesn't start happening soon, then SOMEONE'S gonna die."

But Nita wasn't paying attention to him. She was looking at her Pip-Boy, which showed that there was another friendly face near their position. ...Wait, there were two of them. And they were moving towards each other...

All of a sudden, a large blast came from in front of the group, and Nita quickly whipped her head up to see pieces of an Enclave Eyebot rolling down the hill they were going up.

"HEY" The Female BodyGuard of the Merchant, Lucky Harrith, shouted, bringing out her Assault Rifle. She shot a few rounds off as a large mutated bear charged toward her.

"Holy shit! It's a fuckin' Yao Guai!" Jericho shouted, reaching for his Flamer.

"Well, looks like you'll get your wish, Jericho," Clover shrugged, unsheathing her Sword.

"Hold on, you two!" Nita said, stopping the two as the Yao Guai began to attack the Female Bodyguard. "Remember when I said that I had gotten a perk when I finished that little thing at Grayditch?"

"Yeah. But what does that have to do with right now?" Jericho said, hand on the trigger.

"The perk that I got was the Animal Friend perk!" Nita said, with a smug grin on her face. "That means that Animals, such as that Yao Guai that is clawing the hot woman to death, won't attack me, or any of my allies!"

"Augghh!" The Female Bodyguard groaned in pain as the Yao Guai tore through her arm with its razor-sharp teeth, forcing her to drop her Rifle.

"Ohhh! So that was your big plan all along, eh kid?" Sydney said with an impressed whistle.

"Yep!" Nita said with an overly cute smile, ignoring the sound of gore flying as the Yao Guai slashed the Female BodyGuard's head clean off her neck. "We don't have to do any of the dirty work, since Fluffy here will take care of everything!"

"...Did you just call a Yao Guai 'Fluffy'?" Jericho said, eyebrow raised as far as it would go.

"Yes. Yes, I did." Nita shrugged, watching as the Female Bodyguard's head rolled down to her feet. "Oh well...such a waste."

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, HELP ME!" Lucky shouted, shooting at the Yao Guai with his Combat Shotgun. It hardly fazed the beast as it began to rip into his own arm. "GUAHHHAHH!!!"

"Sorry, no can do. I wouldn't want a Yao Guai to be chasing after me, you understand," Nita said, checking out her nails.

"YOU NO GOOD LITTLE BIT- AUGGGGHHHHH!!" Lucky shouted in pain as the Yao Guai impaled him in the gut with its claws, tugging them out harshly and killing the poor merchant.

"About time," Jericho said, as the Yao Guai began to rake its claws along the Brahmin. "...Since it's pretty clear that the Twin-Headed cow over there won't be going anywhere with that Yao Guai on its ass...could we..."

Nita sighed and rolled her eyes. "Fine. Go Nuts."

"HELL YEAH! HA HA HA HA!" Jericho screamed in delight, torching the Brahmin with his Flamer. "Die. DIE. FUCKING DIE!"

"Whatever you say, honey," Clover said, taking out her sword and slashing the Brahmin's legs with it, to keep it from running away.

"...What the hell?" Sydney shrugged, shooting the cow in the side with her "Ultra" Machine Gun.

Dogmeat just barked. And Panted. And Pawed himself.

The Poor Brahmin didn't have a chance.

"Just be sure that you don't damage the merchandise!" Nita shouted as the three humans and one Yao Guai owned the cow. She winced at the obnoxious yelling from Jericho. "...And people wonder why I prefer woman in the first place..."

Believe it or not, this happened in my game. A Yao Guai came out of nowhere and killed Lucky and the Merchant Guard with ease, leaving me with a WHOLE lot of stuff. And a Radscopion tried to get smart and attack us from behind when that happened, but my crew took it out with ease. Then they began to attack the cow soon after.

Anyway, if you guys have any requests for future chapters based on any perks you can get in Fallout 3, then just let me know. And if this story goes beyond this chapter, then I'll give better detail to the Lone Wanderer later.

Catch you next continue!

Oh, and please, please, PLEASE someone write a story featuring a Female!Lone Wanderer/Clover paring! Hell, just write a story that stars Clover, or has her as an important character!