I don't own anything.

Shinji vs. the Cyborg Pirates of the Caribbean

Gendo stared at the fax in front of him and frowned. "Huh."

"Something wrong?" Kozo asked.

"Katsuragi has been kidnapped," Gendo stated. Kozo sighed in annoyance and walked to the mini bar to fix himself a drink.

"You know, it's odd how many women are signing up for dangerous assignments," he commented. "Now where was Katsuragi? Wait, isn't she on a research station somewhere in the Caribbean Sea?"

"Yep," Gendo stated.

"Huh," Kozo grunted. "Do we know who did it?"

"Well, considering they attacked a floating research station, I'm guessing pirates," Gendo stated.

"Pirates in the Caribbean," Kozo mused. "Who would have thought it? Should I give Shinji's secretary a call?"

"I guess so," Gendo stated. "God knows if we don't get Katsuragi back here, productivity is going to drop among the men in NERV since they won't have someone to impress."

"Shit, with T&A like that?" Kozo asked. "Productivity is going to drop amongst quite a few of the women too."

"Too true man."

(:ii:)

Yuki groaned as her bleating cell phone dragged her from her peaceful rest. After a moment of blind groping, she found the device and flipped it open. "Hello?"

"I have a job for you," the man on the other end of the phone stated. Yuki fought not to sigh in annoyance.

"Shoot," she replied. The man quickly and professionally gave her the specifics of the new job. "I understand. I'll contact my team immediately." She hit the end button and pushed the speed dial for her boss. The phone rang several times before the man finally picked up.

"Hello?"

"It's me," Yuki stated. "We've got a job."

"Give me a couple hours," Shinji ordered flatly. "I had a really long night."

"Same here," Yuki replied. "I'm going back to sleep. I just figured I should warn you."

"Thanks." Yuki flipped her phone shut and spooned up next to her bedroom companion. Shinji rolled over and threw an arm around her. Both were too far gone to realize that they were cuddling with the person they had just been speaking with over the phone.

(:ii:)

Shinji stared bleakly down at his takeout breakfast and finished his beer. "Some day, I'm going to buy a house."

"That's a stupid idea," Yuki replied. "You can't just up and switch houses when you get into trouble."

"I suppose not." Shinji took a bite of his breakfast burrito and glanced at his watch. The rest of his team was due any minute now. The door burst open and Shinji found himself aiming his Colt at his second in command. "Ever hear of knocking?" Asa stared at him and then at Yuki.

"So, are you two a couple now or something?" Shinji glanced at Yuki and she just shrugged.

"Something," they agreed. The rest of the team filed in after Asa.

"Jesus Christ," Yuki grumbled. "What is it, dreadlock day?"

"No, but it is mustache month," Shinji said, indicating to his new facial hair, which was actually a goatee that he had let grow and then braided.

"We decided that we didn't look mercenary enough," Asa stated, tugging at one of the long clumps of hair growing from his head.

"I was wondering about this," Yuki commented, giving one of Shinji's braids a tug.

"What's the job?" Mao asked.

"Rescue mission," Shinji stated through a mouthful of scrambled eggs, sausage cubes, cheese, and dough. Mao stared at him in disgust and turned to Yuki.

"What's the job?"

"It's another anonymous rescue job," Yuki stated, dabbing at the corners of her mouth with her napkin. "Apparently, pirates raided a research station and took a hostage."

"Pirates?" Jalal asked. "Well, fuck, we've tangled with everyone else, guess it's time we took on pirates."

"Pretty much," Shinji replied.

"So, where are we heading, Africa?" Bowski asked. Shinji grinned and opened another beer.

"We are flying to Florida and then we are taking a boat to search the Caribbean Sea," he stated as he popped his beer's top with one hand.

"The Caribbean?" Asa repeated. "It's like, nice there. We're actually going to fight in a nice place?"

"Yep."

"And just to make sure you assholes don't just fuck off, I will be accompanying you," Yuki added.

"Just to keep us in line," Shinji replied, "yeah, right."

"Just saying, but there is no way you're getting me on a plane," Asa stated.

"Don't worry," Shinji replied. "We have something set up just for you. Just be at the airport. Okay?"

"Sure." Shinji watched the man walk way and glanced at Kenny.

"This is going to be amusing."

"Mrph."

(:ii:)

"Why can't we ever travel on civilian airlines?" Mao grumbled as he stared at the old military transport. "Hell, I'd even settle for official military flights."

"Civilians have a thing about passengers carrying assault weapons and the military asks too many questions," Shinji stated as he walked up the cargo ramp and dumped his duffel. "Everybody here?"

"Yep," Bowski replied. Shinji frowned as he noticed Asa already buckled into his seat.

"Hey, who got Asa this time?"

"I did," Yuki stated.

"I'm impressed," Shinji admitted. "Load up!" He watched as his team quickly set about loading the equipment they had brought. "Where's the pilot?"

"Over here." Shinji turned and smiled as he saw his favorite smuggler.

"How are you doing Captain Morgan?"

"I'm good," Morgan stated. "Are we ready to go?" Shinji glanced back and Bowski nodded.

"We're good to go," Shinji stated.

"Alright. Beam, hit the ramp!"

"Got it Captain," Beam replied as he closed the ramp. "Everyone buckle in!" Shinji collapsed into an open seat next to Yuki and buckled himself in.

"So," Shinji began, "how'd you get Asa?"

"The smart way," Yuki shot back. "I drugged him." Shinji sighed in disgust.

"Women and drugging people," he grumbled. "What'd you drug him with?"

"I slipped something into a carton of chocolate milk and dared him he couldn't chug it," Yuki replied proudly. "You jackasses will do anything if someone dares you to do it."

"Wait, milk?" Shinji asked.

"Yeah, milk. Why?"

"Asa is lactose intolerant as a son of a bitch," Shinji stated in horror. There was an amazingly loud noise that temporarily drowned out the engines. "Oh my God. How could he not have just shit himself?"

"Open the ramp!" Bowski cried.

"We're already taking off!" Yuki protested. "We are not throwing him out of the aircraft!" There was another massive blast.

"Next time, we use my plan," Shinji growled.

"Okay," Yuki submitted.

"I'm going to get you for this."

(:ii:)

"Get the fuck off the plane!" Shinji ripped open the side door and took a flying leap onto the grass beside tarmac. The rest of his team dove out behind him.

"Next time, we throw that fucker out of the plane!" Bowski roared.

"There won't be a fucking next time!" Shinji replied, shooting a venomous look at Yuki. She just kept dry heaving. In keeping with karma, as the only civilian on board, she hadn't been carrying a gas mask. Of course, the gas masks had been over taxed before half the flight was over.

"Hey guys. What the fuck are you all doing?" Shinji turned and saw Asa standing in the open doorway. "Wait. Why the fuck am I on a plane?"

"Yuki drugged you," Shinji stated. Asa's face went red with rage before noticing the woman dry heaving so hard she was almost in convulsions.

"What's wrong with her?"

"She slipped it to you in the milk," Shinji stated. Asa stared at her and leaned back into the cargo hold and sniffed.

"You guys are so fucking over dramatic."

"Abandon ship!" A gun shot rang out and Captain Morgan and his co-pilot Daniels leapt out of the newly shattered window in the cockpit. "Good God! Beam is still in there!" Another man staggered out the door past Asa and fell flat on his face. All the hair on his head had been burned off.

"It's not that bad!" Asa declared.

"You're on unloading duty," Shinji stated as he dug out his copy of Battlefield Injuries for Complete Dumb Asses and paged to the chapter on toxic inhalation.

"So," Bowski began. "Where did you find the ship?"

"Actually, it belongs to Morgan's little sister," Shinji stated as he studied the pictures and stared down at Beam. "Give him morphine. It'll ease his last moments."

"I'm not dying," Beam hacked.

"He can still speak," Shinji stated in surprise. "I guess he's going to live. Cancel the morphine."

"I can still do with some morphine," Beam stated.

"Too bad."

(:ii:)

"Thanks for letting me use your changing room!" Yuki called as she walked out of the bait and tackle shop. She spotted her boss and walked over to him. "I like the outfit." Shinji frowned and glanced down at his floral print swim trucks and unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt.

"And I suppose this," Shinji flicked the thin cord holding the cups of Yuki's bikini top together, "is your idea of tactical."

"I'm not a mercenary," Yuki countered his counter.

"Almost done?" Yuki turned and frowned as she found herself looking down at a short, dark haired woman wearing a while button down shirt and white shorts.

"Almost," Shinji replied.

"How much crap do you guys need?" the woman deadpanned, adjusting her mirrored sunglasses. "You've already loaded damn near a hundred boxes." Yuki turned on Shinji and stared at him accusingly.

"You guys usually only have a duffel bag each and a couple of crates of ammo," she stated.

"Uh, well, we don't know what we're going up against," Shinji stated doggedly.

"You didn't take a hundred boxes when you went to space," Yuki commented coolly. "What's in the boxes Shinji?"

"Ammo."

"And?" Yuki pressed.

"And spare parts," Shinji added.

"And?"

"Some booze."

"How much booze?" Yuki demanded, already feeling a migraine starting.

"All the booze that place had," Shinji stated, pointing to a liquor shop across the road from the marina. The building had at least a dozen cop cars parked in front of it.

"Did you pay for the booze?" Yuki demanded.

"Not exactly," Shinji replied cheerfully. "On that note, I think it's time to set sail! What say you, Captain Morgan?"

"You guys are going to be nothing but trouble," the woman stated tiredly.

"Oh, that's Captain Morgan," Shinji added.

"Nice to meet you," Yuki stated as she shook the woman's hand. "I'm Yuki."

"The mercenary team's token female?" Morgan asked.

"Actually, she's my secretary," Shinji stated. "She just came along to make sure that we didn't mess around."

"You're doing a stellar job so far," Morgan commented dryly.

"You should see them when I'm not around," Yuki countered.

"I'd hate to interrupt, ladies, but those cops are starting to take an interest," Shinji commented, hustling them both aboard. "Now might be the time to make our escape." Morgan sighed and allowed the man to push her up the gangplank.

"This is going to be one of those jobs," she grumbled.

"It's always one of those jobs when these guys are involved," Yuki replied sympathetically.

(:ii:)

"Alright folks, break it out and give me a full inventory!" Shinji ordered before his team could get too rowdy.

"Guns and alcohol," Yuki groaned, "someone is going to get shot."

"We're not that bad," Shinji insisted. "Asa, you're on Greaves duty."

"Right boss," Asa replied tiredly as he pulled on a flak vest and helmet. Shinji beat a hasty retreat up to the wheelhouse. Alcohol and guns mixed well usually. Guns and stupidity were a whole different matter.

"I'll keelhaul anyone who hurts my boat," Morgan stated flatly.

"Trust me," Shinji replied. A second later a shot rang out.

"Greaves!"

"My bad." Shinji refused to turn around as he sheepishly scratched the back of his head.

"Fuck it," Yuki grunted as she picked up a towel and made her way towards the front of the ship.

"So," Shinji began, "where do you keep the clips for that Bofors you've got hidden under the tarp?" Morgan glanced down at the thinly hidden anti-aircraft cannon mounted on the foredeck.

"In the life preserver compartments under a false bottom," she answered. "So, does your secretary tag along on shooting missions a lot?" Shinji glanced to the foredeck again and snatched up a pair of binoculars to watch Yuki wiggled out of her Daisy Dukes.

"Only when she has the chance to do that," he replied. "Considering the fact that we're usually in the Middle East or Africa or some Third World shit hole; she's never come with us before."

"You're hitting that, right?" Morgan ventured.

"Like a sledgehammer," Shinji replied.

"I figured," Morgan stated as she piloted her ship out of the marina and into open waters.

"Have there been any problems with pirates around here?"

"Not for me."

"I suppose there wouldn't be for you," Shinji commented, glancing at the Bofors again. The corners of Morgan's stern lips tweaked upwards.

"So, where are we heading?"

"These coordinates," Shinji stated as he unfurled a map. "This is the research station where the person we're supposed to be rescuing was taken from. Hopefully, we'll pick up a lead there."

"Sounds like a plan," Morgan allowed as she punched in the coordinates to her GPS. Shinji nodded in agreement and set about trying to fold his map back up. He quickly abandoned the task as hopeless. "If you're planning on running drills, might I suggest that you wait till we leave US territorial waters? The Coast Guards would probably get antsy seeing this lot running around with guns."

"Oh, don't worry," Shinji replied. "We don't do drills."

"So, what are you going to do on the trip around Cuba?" Morgan asked.

"Chug! Chug! Chug!" Shinji turned and saw his team gathered around Kenny who was doing a keg stand, in a kilt.

"So, that's what Scotsmen wear under their kilts," Morgan commented, completely nonplussed.

"Actually, he's Irish," Shinji stated. "That's why he's wearing the yellow Speedo. Scotsmen go commando. And to answer your question, we're kind of planning on doing that for most of the trip."

"It's a long trip," Morgan commented.

"Don't worry, we brought plenty of booze."

"I see," Morgan replied. She stared down at the party on her ship. "Hey, that doesn't look like a beer keg."

"Nope. That's cheap, bulk liquor," Shinji replied.

"He's doing a keg stand on a keg of rotgut?" Morgan asked, one eyebrow arching over the rim of her sunglasses.

"Irish," Shinji repeated.

"How's he drinking through that mask?"

"I really don't bother asking questions like that anymore."

"I see." She stared harder at Kenny. "That isn't a Speedo."

"Really?" Shinji asked, not bothering to check.

"Yup. Those are panties."

"Ah." Shinji lit a cigarette and opened his rifle bag. "I'm going to go keep myself entertained."

"How?"

"I have my ways," Shinji replied, drawing his golf driver out of his bag and holding up a bag of golf balls.

"Hurt my boat and you might as well go for a swim."

"I'll keep that in mind."

(:ii:)

"What the hell are you doing?" Shinji turned and grinned at Yuki guiltily. "You know what? Don't say anything."

"Okay." Shinji went back to see up a patch of fake turf with a golf tee in the middle of it. "So, get tired to being gawked at?"

"Yep," Yuki replied as she laid out her towel again.

"You know, I'm going to be staring at your ass too, just so we're clear," Shinji stated.

"It seems less awkward when the man staring at my ass has stuck his dick in it," Yuki replied.

"If you say so." Shinji set down a ball on the tee and took a swing. He caught nothing at air. He tried again and took a chunk of paint off the top of the wheelhouse.

"What was that?" Morgan yelled.

"Nothing!" Shinji called back.

"You suck at golf," Yuki stated. Shinji glared at her and walked to the edge of the wheelhouse. He stuck two fingers in his mouth and whistled. "What are you doing?" She was answered a second later when a bottle flipped up into Shinji's hand. He set it down just in time to catch two more. "Oh this should be good."

"Shut up." Shinji popped the top off of one of the bottles and began chugging. He finished it and set it down before picking up his gulf club again. Yuki picked up the bottle and read it quickly.

"You just shotgunned a bottle of one hundred proof rum," she stated.

"No hole, not shotgun," Shinji stated. "Now give me about a minute."

"How about you do my back?" Yuki asked holding up a bottle of suntan lotion.

"Okay." Yuki had recently discovered that Shinji had a definitely talent for backrubs. This time was no different.

"Oh yes!"

"Hey! You better be on a towel!" Morgan yelled.

"All done," Shinji stated. He staggered to his feet and picked up his club again.

"Maybe you should give it a rest," Yuki commented as she watched Shinji sway. "Morgan will be pissed enough about one ding." Shinji swung and the golf ball flew away like a PGA tour pro drive. "Huh." Yuki shrugged and took one of the other bottles for her own use.

(:ii:)

Shinji frowned as he noticed that the bottle in his hand was empty. He turned to the bottle in his other hand and noticed that it too was empty. "Damn it." Shinji staggered to his feet and slowly climbed down from the wheelhouse to hunt through the crates of bottles on the deck. They were all empty. "Where's all the rum gone?"

"Did you try the crates over there?" someone asked. Shinji staggered over to the new crates and found them empty. He made a round of the deck and found no more bottles.

"Where the hell has all the rum gone?" Shinji wailed. His men jerked out of their drunken stupor and scrambled to find the booze.

"All the rum's gone!"

"How can the rum be gone?" Shinji demanded.

"Well, we only had a few hundred bottles," Asa stated. Shinji bolted, drunkenly, up to the wheelhouse.

"We have to land!"

"What's wrong?" Morgan asked.

"We're out of rum!" Shinji announced. "We must make port and resupply!"

"It's been five hours," Morgan deadpanned. She opened her mouth to add something, but paused as she stared down at one of the screens in front of her. She scowled and picked up her handheld. "Attention unknown vessel, this is the Orca. We are under sail and have the right of way. Please change course."

"Something up?"

"Fucking rich Americans who buy boats and don't know a damn thing about boating," Morgan grumbled.

"Why are Americans so close to Cuba?"

"Why the hell would anyone go to Cuba?" Morgan countered.

"Cigars and rum?" Shinji guessed. It was pretty much the reason he wanted to go. The woman nodded and turned back to her radar.

"Shit."

"What?"

"My radar is going fuzzy." She snatched up her hand held and changed the channel, only for static to fill the wheelhouse. "We're being jammed."

"Raspberry?" Shinji could feel Morgan's glare through her sunglasses. "So, being jammed, that can't be good. Pirates?"

"Seems likely," Morgan gritted. "And here I am with a boatload of drunks." Shinji stepped out of the wheelhouse.

"All hands. Prepare to repel boarders!" In a flash, Shinji's team was sprinting across the deck readying their weapons. Shinji turned back to Morgan and flashed her a victory sign. "Don't worry. We got this." He strolled out of the wheelhouse and grabbed his utility belt. "Grieves! Get that Bofors ready. There are rounds in the life jacket lockers. Don't uncover it until I give the orders."

"What Bofors?" Grieves asked.

"That Bofors," Shinji growled, pointing to the tarp-draped anti-aircraft cannon.

"Oh," the American stated.

"Fucktard," Shinji grumbled as he buckled up his belt and picked up his SCAR-H. "Kenny, get your Barrett and get on top of the wheelhouse."

"Mrph!" Kenny replied as he grabbed the 25mm sniper rifle and headed for the wheelhouse, kilt fluttering dramatically behind him.

"What the fuck is going on?" Yuki demanded as she rushed up.

"Possible attack," Shinji stated. "Just get in the wheelhouse with Morgan, okay?"

"Sure." Shinji opened one of the crates on deck and pulled out a thermobaric 40mm grenade and loaded it into his SCAR's grenade launcher.

"Approximately fifteen minutes," Morgan reported over the ship's loudspeaker.

"Got it! Just tell me what side!" Shinji yelled. "Everyone stay down! We're going to draw them in and surprise them. These assholes might know something about our princess."

(:ii:)

Shinji could hear the other ship's engines as they pulled up alongside the Orca's starboard side. Asa glanced back at him and Shinji shook his head, indicating not to attack yet. "Avast, landlubbers! This be the Dread Pirate Roberts! Surrender your booty!" Okay, that was enough of that.

"Up!" Shinji pivoted up and rested the fore grip of his SCAR on the railing. "Freeze!" What he saw came very close to blowing his mind. The other ship looked like your average, everyday large speedboat, but that wasn't the weird bit.

"Somebody's been watching too many pirate movies," Asa commented.

"Yep," Shinji replied as he stood and lowered his rifle. "Lower your weapons or you will be fired upon."

"Arr, who be the pirates here?" a large man in a red captain's coat with a long black beard and robotic peg leg asked. Shinji glanced from the stereotypical pirates on the other ship to his own dreadlocked, bearded, tattooed mercenaries.

"Well, since we haven't demanded booty yet, you guys are the pirates," he stated.

"Good! We be the Cyborg Pirates of the Caribbean! Surrender your booty and we'll be on our way!" the man, certainly the captain, shouted as even more men poured onto the deck of his ship from the hold. True to his word, all had some kind of robot appendages. "And who be you?"

"I be Shinji Ikari, Space Mercenary!"

"Does this count as shenanigans?" Asa wondered.

"A little too normal at the moment," Shinji stated. A thought struck him. "Wait. Real pirates. They have rum! Prepare to board and seize the rum!"

"They're after the rum!" the Dread Pirate Roberts cried. "Full speed ahead!" Shinji cursed as the other ship rocketed away.

"After them Morgan!" he roared. "Raise the Jolly Roger!" Mao quickly ran to the Orca's flagpole and raised their Jolly Roger, a leering skull over crossed rum bottles.

"So," Asa began as the Orca picked up speed, "shenanigans?"

"Yep," Shinji replied. "Onwards! Toward rum and shenanigans!"

"And pirate wenches!" Yuki added. Shinji glanced over his shoulder and saw that Yuki had decided to join them. "I'm gonna plunder me some booty!" Shinji and Asa glanced at each other.

"Arr?" Asa ventured.

"Arrrrrrr!" Shinji roared. "There be hell to pay if they escape maties! I'll keelhaul the lot of you if I don't get me rum!"

-Intermission

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Well, I'm laughing. As usual, author's notes at the end of the last chapter.