What Jasper Hates

As a mind reader, I am both cursed and blessed with the gift to see what others cannot. I can sense even the best hidden deception, the deepest desires and the ... not so desirable thoughts of almost every person on earth. All but one.

But, despite being subjected to every fleeting and desperately ridiculous thought, no person, and in turn, relationship, other than this one, has ever held me with such curiosity. Except of course Bella.

I am talking of Alice and Jasper. Not, as one other person might guess, the intimately involved Rosalie and Emmett. No, their relationship was best to be left well out of the spotlight.

Jasper, my battle-scarred brother, he... I simply cannot find the words for how he feels for Alice. He... feels stronger for her than any other person has for anyone. When they first arrived - and kicked me out into the garage - I was slightly staggered by the depth of their relationship. Their minds were... one. Not only that, but they had been together for barely a year. Comparing that to Rosalie and Emmett's fourteen year marriage, and their relationship goes no deeper than the flesh.

If anyone were to look, a glance maybe, they would see that Alice and Jasper share a timid, low contact relationship, but I, and my siblings, know that they don't need bother with touch, they share a deep rooted mental link, loving through their minds.

But what my Siblings not blessed – or cursed – with psychic abilities don't know is that Jasper has things about Alice that he hates. Not even Alice herself is totally aware of it. No one could possibly even think that. Ten things that he truly loathes about her.

One. He hates it when she is away from him. When he can't feel her calming and love-filled emotions, that's when he worries about her. When he can't see her. He knows she can look after herself, but he can never shut out the idea that she will be hurt. Alice is Jasper's one and only reason for existence. Alice is Jasper.

Two. He hates when she is upset. Even the tiniest bit. Because he feels emotions, hers are ten thousand times more obvious, even the slightest flicker of difference. He loathes it when she is upset. I once experienced the hardest mental hit of fear and anguish from him when Alice had been upset by a rather cutting implication of Rosalie's. Our back wall never looked the same again with a Rosalie shaped hole through it.

Three. He hates it when Alice blocks him out. When she purposely hides her true emotions. It hurts him because he knows she is shielding him from something, and he hates being in the dark, the protected, not the protector. He – gentleman that he is – feels obliged to protect her from injury and hurt, and although both He and Alice are on equal stance in the relationship, Alice definitely protects Jasper more. Although I doubt –highly – that anyone would so much as mention the thought aloud.

Four. He hates how little time he has to be with her. Taken up by school, and hunting, and other commitments. He hates how he can't be with her, every second, holding her hand, hugging her. Unlike Rosalie and Emmett, their time is not wasted on... utilizing the bedroom.

Five. He hates the way she loves him, despite his scars, his faults. He believes himself unworthy of her. A monster. Much of how I thought myself to Bella. In a way, being around Alice is the worst thing for your self esteem. Beautiful, cute, perfect. Even Rosalie takes a hit; Alice is ten times more graceful –and nicer- than she ever will be. He does not see how she does not see his faults, not even his scars. To her, they are him.

Six. He hates how he saw her pain, when her headaches got near unmanageable when Bella was pregnant. He hated how he had to look after Bella's mythical pregnancy. He hated how he couldn't help her, how he felt so useless. He couldn't protect her from the internal battle. This was one of the hardest times to be around Jasper. When Jacob wasn't with Bella, Alice could be found sitting in Jasper's lap while he pored over books to help Bella. The anguish from Jasper at that time, as he cradled Alice delicately in his arms, was so overwhelming, I actually ran into the wall.

Seven. He hates how she can come to him when he slips, hug him as he wallows in his anguish and grudging regret. He hates that she can see him at his weakest, when he first met her; broken and lost. He can't bear it to face her, his eyes crimson, a display of his weakness, or so he thinks. At these times, he is blind to Alice's emotions. He waives her genuine love, concern and forgiveness as perhaps regret, or repulsion. Sometimes even the most attuned can be blind. I am no exception.

Eight. He hates how he loves her, how he knows, or thinks, that he is not good enough for her. He doesn't see, even though he knows she loves him, that she loves him- truly far more than any other person has ever loved anyone, and could love no other. How she adores him, how she truly felt the moment she opened her eyes for the first time as a vampire, and saw his face.

Nine. Sometimes, he hates that she is alive, for that means he lives. Sometimes, he wishes he were dead. But he could never do anything to hurt Alice, and that would be the absolute worst. He won't allow her to be hurt. But sometimes, he wishes she was free of him, the curse he foolishly believes himself to be.

Ten. He hates that none of these things are her fault, how he cannot blame a single factor on all his hates. It is not her fault that he can not stand to be away from her, that he hates to see her upset, or in pain. It is not her fault that he loves her, and that she loves him. He just hates her because he loves her. So much that it hurts me because it's hurting him. I can feel it even through his mind.

There is so much more to this relationship than this, so, so much more. I don't think there are enough trees in the world to supply enough paper to write every detail. But these are the things that nobody knows, other than myself and Jasper. The only thing he keeps from her. From everyone.

In truth... he doesn't even know it himself.