I own nothing.
Italics are flashback moments.

Just breathe.
The midnight air will do you well.
I miss your taste, I miss your smell.
I'll ask the nurse for bandages.
Don't send me on my way.
Rescue me from everything.
I just want to live.
I wish I could breathe.
I've seen the worse case scenario,
and i'm slowly letting go.

I sit here. Just sit here. Using every single ounce of my strength to concentrate on my breathing, try to get it normal for once. It hasn't been normal since. My breathing is irregular and painful. Every breath I take hurts.

I look across the porch, not really focusing on anything. Looking but never seeing. If I do see, it's just her face. The beautiful blonde hair and those lips that finally mesmerized my soul. Mesmerized me way too many times in the month she was mine.

Because here I sit my arms crossed over my chest, my chin on my knees, thinking of valuable, corny but loving reasons of why she just left me. Of why she did this to me, to my family, to her mom. But most of all me. I wonder if she feels any pain, too. As much as I love her, I can't help but feel angry towards her. She tore me in half and now i'll never be the same.

I breathe, my concentrating breaking as my chest hitches and the breath comes out wavery. I feel my eyes fill up with water. I'm crying again. I'm always crying. It's all her fault. I'll always be crying. But maybe this is revenge for that one time I made her cry. That one I - my throat becomes painfully tight and my chest hitches again.

I will not go there. I love her so much, I can't get over her. But I don't love myself, and I can be angry at her but that's just a layer. I'm purely outraged at myself. I can't even look at myself anymore. The mirrors in my room are covered with blanket and jackets. The only clothes I wear are Hannah's because it doesn't remind me of myself. Of the stupid, blind screw-up I am.

I wish I did something earlier, maybe she would still be here. Just a couple hours earlier and everything could've been perfect like it's meant to be. But I decided too late. I decided, that's just it. I knew ever since I met her. But I decided. I grip my chest harder, feeling my nails dig into skin. But not taking notice of the the pain because the pain in my soul and heart beats it. And it won't go away. The pain won't go away.

I let her walk away, after all the confusion and pain. I let her walk away. After I got a taste of pure bliss. I let her walk away. Because I believed her. But I didn't. I just decided I did. After I learned that you can actually get lost in somebody eyes. I let her walk away.

"I'm holding you back, Miley. You need this. I'm just holding you back. After what I did, I can't hold you back. I'm just trouble." She had both her hands on my face and it wasn't until the warmth of her hands left my face, did I remember how to speak.

"No Lilly! You can't say that. I need you here, you'd be holding me back if you left. You did it for me!" She took a step back, a tear running down her face.

"My point exactly! I did it for you! We're lucky you weren't Hannah." I was about to cut in but I found my lips moving in perfect symmetry with hers. "Listen to me. We -" I cut in again.

"Lilly, no! You listen to me." Then I got lost in her eyes again. Her next words were nothing but reassuring.

"Please, Miley. I'll go live with my dad. Everything that will happen will eventually just disappear. But for that to happen I need to disappear..."

Stop. I need to stop. She did. She did disappear. I shouldn't have believed her. I should have never believed her.

"Miley?" I jumped. I was surprised to turn around and find Lilly standing in Hannah's closet. I thought I messed everything up. "Please, was that letter true?" I dropped the shirt that was in my hand. She was never meant to find that. I gulped.

"Yes." She was moving slowly towards me but she was smiling as she put her hands on my cheeks.

"Miley Rae Stewart, you should've just told me. What I said was true. I do love you more than a friend. I'm in love with you. That letter was everything I ever wanted to see, but everything I ever wanted to hear, I still haven't. Please, just say it." I gulped again, then I hugged her, wrapping my arms tightly around her waist.

"I'm in love with you too, Lilly." I whispered into her ear.

But that was two months ago. It's been a month since she left. I haven't heard from her. Her mother won't give me her or her father's number. She doesn't want me to find her.

I've been looking. Hannah's been looking. But she doesn't want me to find her.

"I'm in love with you Miley. I'm so in love with you."

She forever branded those words into my soul, into my being. I have to keep repeating her words into my head, I have to keep hearing her voice when she said, a voice that was full of love, whispering those words so softly in my ear. I have to keep repeating or else i'll start thinking she didn't really love me. Her love is the only thing keeping me alive, if I start thinking that, i'll die.

I hear the door open and I feel my dad sit down next to me on the couch. I don't look at him. He starts running his hand through my hair. His love helps me, but nothing can save me. He may be able to pull me half way out of this dark hole, but i'll never get all the way back out.

"Hey, bud." He says.

"Hey, dad." I reply, not even faking the pain in my voice anymore, but I don't want to hurt him. This isn't his problem, it's mine and mine solely. I get up and walk upstairs, saving him from my pain.

I wish I could love again. I hardly feel any love anymore, it only glimmers when Jackson or Dad is around. Somebody stole, ravagely took all the love from me. She took it that day I woke up, wearing my heart on my sleeve, only to turn it into an easy target. I was going to apologize for yelling at her. It was when I decided too late.

But I didn't get the chance to apologize or even to try to change her mind. I sobbed violently in her mom's arms before fainting of shock on her front step.

And i'm still not over the shock.

How will I ever get over the shock?

How does anyone get over your first true love just disappearing with nothing, not even an explanation farther then 'because I have to, for you', she even left her mom baffled.

Please, just tell me how.

I lock my door before sinking onto my bed and sobbing violently, still gripping the skin above my heart, gripping it harder until drops of blood appears around my nails. I can't believe I can still bleed. I'm positive she ripped my heart - no, my soul out. That's why when I look in the mirror, I only see a shadow of my former self. All I see now is untamed hair, darker clothes, covering every inch of my body. Dark, dark circles under this girl's eyes and a face that starting to droop at only 17. I remember the day I met Lillian Truscott and now wish I never had. If we never became friends, we would have never became lovers.

But I lied. She has always been my best friend and she always will be. Even though she's not here now, I still ask myself 'what would Lilly think?'. The month we were one was the best month of my whole entire existence. It was a month of pure, unmistakable bliss. The years before, when we were just friend, were years I wouldn't take back. We did everything together. I don't know how to do anything without her.

But now she's gone. And now all I feel is pure, unmistakable pain. It just rolls off my lips, like it was meant to be there. Like I thought I was meant to be with Lilly. Pain.

It's what I think about every minute of every day. Pain. It's what i'm thinking about now as I fall into a deep, nightmarish sleep.

Pain.