„Hello, little one! "

I sit here and think about trying again to take my life. Twice already I have tried it, but both times something has gone a little wrong. The first time I tried to cut open my arteries in the tub. And everything had worked wonderfully. I was alone at home and everything was so nicely quiet and peaceful. I imagined:

„Now is the right time for it. "

When I came to this decision, I also proceeded straight away into the bathroom. My first idea was:

„I take an overdose of sleeping pills. "

Nevertheless, as soon as I entered the bath, I already turned round and closed the door. I remember bolting the door. Even if it was mad. Because, after all, nobody was in the house. Then there comes a big, all embracing darkness.

----

Next I wake up in the hospital and my husband Ron is bent over me. He told me later he has found me lying in the bathtub. With cut open arteries. I can still remember his expression exactly. It was deeply hurt, injured and also completely confused. I believe he cannot understand me till this day. For a long time he looked at me this way. Then he just said:

„Is he worth it? "

I closed my eyes. So Ron had seen right through me and just could not understand that someone could do such a thing. How one can be so stupid and cannot find another way out than suicide. He knows me since school and is accustomed to the fact that I can find an answer to everything if only I set to work with enough logic and perseverance. And if I really want to find a solution. This here does not sound at all like me. I had thought long and hard about it, however, I could find no other solution. Before I had sorted myself out so far that I could have answered to him, I heard him storming out. He had interpreted my silence and the simple fact that I could not look into his eyes as yes. To tell the truth, this was correct.

The second time I stood in a department store at the upper end of a high stairway. For several minutes I stood there undecided. Then I leaned myself forwards and somersaulted down the stairs. Unfortunately the stairs were not long enough. Instead of taking my life, I only got once more a free ride to the hospital. And once more Ron waited for me after the check-up on the station. This time he was not sad or without understanding. He was furious. Or should I say raging with anger? As the nurse opened the door to push my bed into the room, I saw him walking up and down. As soon as he noticed us, he stopped immediately. But the nurse had hardly gone again, when he began his pacing about by the room once more. I did not dare to appeal to him. Anyhow he had for the first time something horrific in him. And it was at this moment that he reminded me of Douglas.

Three months before this attempted suicide I had got to know him. He was an Irishman and quite a bit older than me. In spite of his 43 years he was still very sporty. He was a typical Irishman in every regard: stoic towards all life situations, rough, a little coarse, superstious and very temperamental. Better said slightly irritable and in a certain way almost abusive. However, Douglas also gave me back what I missed in my marriage. The feeling of being beloved and to be respected. My husband and I had simply grown apart and our only topic of conversation were the children.

Adultery is still inexcusable and separation a public scandal. I know this and committed the adultery nevertheless. And exactly this makes it inexcusably for Ron. He knows that I loved Douglas and began to blossom under his attentions. He also knows that I expect a child from Douglas. I wanted to spare him the disgrace, or humiliation to look every day at the face of a child which was not his. However, at this moment of the Locked-up-tiger's-syndrome I believed to recognise that he wanted this child. For my sake. This thought hit me with full force. I had to have given a loud groan or have moved suddenly. Anyway Ron was by my bed in the fraction of a second and bent anxiously over me.

„Is everything alright with you? Do you have pain and I should better call a healer? Are you …? "

Ron fell silent. Yes what should he say anyway? „Are you fine? " was not really considered. In the end, one does not lie in hospital simply for fun. I pulled myself together and tried to consider a suitable answer. Now, however, I am already married for 19 years with Ron. What I wants to say is, I would have seen it coming. He knows me simply too well. I was surprised to be hear his suffocated voice.

„Don't trouble yourself. Honestly said those were purely rhetorical questions. Questions on one expects an answers. "

Here the dirty swine paused for effect. Of course! Our marriage lay in shards, his wife lay in hospital after the second attempted suicide and this haughty, arrogant … crossbreed reproached me for my learning. I stiffened and clasped the blanket around me to not slap him in the face. My copatients, who didn't let us out of sight for even a second, would have absolutely liked this. Well, I paid the price for that immediately. My maltreated limbs reacted with violent pains. This time I did not groan, I only relaxed my tense muscles only with the biggest willpower. Ron noted it. However, my fury only kindled his own again. And he had much more reason and also authorisation to be furious. His face was quite close to mine and his eyes revealed to me a small part of the betrayal which I had committed to him.

„You are mad at me? You? Tell me what right you have! No right! You have cheated on me! "

His voice was thundering through the room. It was the first time that he reproached me. His words hit me like blows to the pit of the stomach. „You have cheated on me! " These words still resounded in me. Yes, I had cheated on him. Now I noticed for the first time that I had behaved all the time as if I was the cheated person. I had not wanted to spare him the disgrace but had tried to spare myself. Slowly I understood his rage. I lifted the head and wanted to ask him for forgiveness. However, the glare, which he threw at me, rendered me speechless. Sadly he said:

„Listen to me, Hermione. If you do not want to show consideration for our children or me, think at least of your unborn. If you wanted to kill yourself because of me, I will take the consequences. You love this man obviously. I have decided to submit the separation. "

I sat there as if struck by lightning. Had I really just heard what I believed to have heard? My whole body went stiff. I could not stir, not answer to him. I also did not know at all what I could have answered him. I felt nothing in my heart. Ron watched my face tensely. On his forehead I was able to read the question „What is your decision? " so clearly as if it was a Broadway advertisement. With gleaming lights and brightly coloured. However, I did not know yet what my decision would be. My heart felt cold, empty and unconcerned. My face was also cold and clammy. I could move no muscle. A deafness had laid itself down on me. Ron still bent expectantly over me. However, I already saw the hope flickering in his eyes and going out completely. After five minutes of intensive silence on both sides Ron said:

„I understand. "

He got up quietly, took his cloak and left the room. He gave himself conceivable trouble to appear as if he is the master of the situation and has himself under control. But I too knew him better. I had seen his tears as he turned away.

This is my history up to this point. Now I sit the second day in the prison (then that's what the hospital became to me) and have finally understood what Ron had said and meant. I have lost my family. I am quite alone. And the worst is: I am guilty alone. Ron has forbidden the children to visit me. My oldest, Rose, has written me a letter. It read:

„Mama, please, come home again fast and healthy. Dad is very sad that you are not with us. We wish you a good recovery. Your children Rose and Hugo "

However, how would I ever be able to go back to them after what has happened and me being pregnant from another man? How could I ever look Ron in the eyes again? New thoughts of suicide already stir in me. However, this time this feeling is edged out by a small whirl in my belly. I have often enough been pregnant to know what this means. The child in me has moved and is now big enough for me to notice. And as in the other pregnancies I understand only now with my full consciousness that I am pregnant once more. Slowly and softly I place my hand on my belly and whisper:

„Hello, little one. "

Immediately all thoughts of suicide are expelled. Since neither suicide nor all moaning will help me now. I will have to learn to take my life in my own hands.

This morning Douglas had visited me in the hospital. The eyes of my copatients had gone over. He was very worried about me. I tried to calm him and the doctor allowed me to go for a walk with Douglas. Douglas knows me well. During my vacation in Ireland I had told to him in detail about my marriage with Ron. He knows that my husband and I have separate bedrooms for a long time now. We lead … no, led a happy marriage, however, at the end we did not have much in common any more. His life is defined more and more by his work and my life are determine by the children and the household. I have told Douglas about my attempted suicides and also about Ron's separation intentions. He has listened to me quietly and without interrupting me. I have told him nothing about the child though. After my small explanation speech he took me in the arms and said adieu to me for good. However, I returned in the hospital, packed my things and went home. Somehow I had to make Ron forgive me. Ron himself had offered this option to me. He had told me already that he would raise the child like his own.

At the front door I stopped for a long time. I had to gather all my Gryffindor courage. However, in the end, I stood in the sitting room door. My children greeted me stormily and were pleased to have me home again. Ron stood at the far end of the room. He smiled and opened his arms wide for me. I had made my choice. For the second time I had decided to be with him and now I would have no doubts anymore.