Another life

A different tag to Sex and Violence

After the confrontation with the Siren, Bobby had noticed a change between the brothers. It was almost like the feeling he had gotten when the Trickster had them all twisted around. Only this felt worse, the distance between them, Bobby felt it was becoming a crevasse that was getting wider and wider and the boys were barely straddling it to keep together. He had decided to have them stay at his place to regroup a little and both men agreed without hesitation, both of them shaky and unsure of what the next step would be.

By the time they had reached his house, it had been well into nightfall. Sam went to the room that the brothers knew had a permanent reservation on it for them and crashed immediately. Dean said he was still a little wired and had decided to stay up for awhile. He took a beer from Bobby's fridge, knowing there was always beer in Bobby's fridge and sat outside in the yard. Bobby came out and joined him as he watched Dean rub the shoulder Bobby had stabbed with the knife.

"Sorry about that," Bobby said.

"Don't be. You had to do it. Good thing you did," Dean said, his voice lined with pain, but not from his shoulder.

Bobby noticed it right away.

"Seems like you're always pulling our asses out of the fire lately," Dean joked weakly.

"Nonsense. That's what family's for," Bobby said.

"Yeh. Right," Dean said, a touch of bitterness and sadness in his voice.

"Dean, it doesn't take a genius to figure out something's going on between you and Sam. Did the Siren do something?"

"Nothing that wasn't there already."

"Care to explain that?"

Dean took another swig from his beer then just took in a deep breath.

"Does the Siren's venom, song, whatever you want to call it, does it have some kind of truth serum in it?"

"What? No, not that I know of, but it does contain a power to convince its victims to do whatever they can to win its approval. Why do you ask?"

"Huh, then he did mean those things."

"You mind clueing me in on what happened back there?" Bobby asked worried and frustrated at the same time.

"The Siren. It dared the both of us to fight each other, winner getting to be with the Siren for life…" Dean shook his head and had a grim smile on his face. "What it said about how I found in it what I wasn't getting from Sam…it was true. Then Sam and I, we just let each other have it."

"Well, I saw you boys busting through the door –"

"It was more than that," Dean said as he reluctantly recalled the fight. "Just before we started beating on each other. We said some words…things that we were both holding back for awhile…I told him he wasn't the Sam I knew anymore and he…"

Dean took another long draw from his beer, not wanting to repeat what Sam had said to him.

Bobby saw the raw pain in Dean's eyes and could tell that whatever Sam had said, it had hit Dean to his core.

"Dean, I'm sure –"

"You don't have to say it, Bobby. We meant what we said. Guess I'm just having a hard time swallowing it, that's all. Bitter taste, you know?"

Bobby watched Dean's face transform from one of pain to a deep-rooted sadness, a sadness that went to the bone.

"What did Sam – "

"He said I'm holding him back…that I'm too weak to go after Lillith, that he was stronger and smarter, but believe it or not that wasn't the real kicker," Dean said as he closed his eyes as if in pain. "He told me that he won't let me stand in his way anymore…Bobby, I'm losing him and I don't know what to do. I'm scared."

Bobby was chilled by Sam's words, just as Dean had been. It marked a dark shift that both of them didn't want to face, hoped not to face. Bobby felt a rush of guilt hit him as he heard Dean tell him what Sam had said.

"Dean, I'm sorry. This is my fault. I let him out of my sight while you were gone. I was drowning so much in my own grief, I let my senses slip and one night, when I'm sure Sam knew I was so polluted I was out for the count, he slipped away."

Dean saw the guilt on Bobby's face and put his own feelings aside.

"This isn't your fault. I'm sorry I made you feel bad about it when I got out of the pit. There was nothing you could have done. Sam was determined to leave to find something to get me out. It's what I would have done…what I have done. I know that kid. Short of putting one of your pit bulls on him, there was no way you could have watched him 24/7. No, Bobby, it's me. If Dad were alive, it would be both of us. We did this to Sammy. We were both selfish."

"What? No –"

"No sense sugar coating it, Bobby. You know it's true."

"Maybe for your dad, but not you," Bobby insisted. "You have done everything you can for Sam. Hell, you gave up your soul. That isn't selfish in my book."

"It was when I left Sam alone to deal with the guilt that came with making that choice. It drove him right into Ruby's lap. Now…now, I have no freakin' idea how to get him back."

Dean took another swig of his beer to finish it off then tossed the bottle into the yard in frustration. He scrubbed his face, his eyes reddening and welling. Bobby watched Dean and his heart went out to him. He had no easy answers for him and the pain on Dean's face was obvious.

"I lied to you…about Hell…Sam knows, but I'm not sure I should have told him now. I remember everything, Bobby, but that's not the worst of it…I…" Dean struggled. He thought it would get easier to say it after saying it to Sam, but it wasn't.

Bobby just gave Dean breathing room and didn't push him. He didn't act surprised or judgmental. If anything, Bobby had been more shocked that Dean hadn't remembered.

"Dean, you don't have to say anything."

Dean swallowed hard.

"Alistair. He was my tormentor there…Every moment I was there, he'd torture me then offer me a chance to get off the rack and for 30 years I told him where to stick his offer, but then, I just couldn't take it anymore and I gave in…took his offer…became the torturer and I…I"

Dean took in a breath to keep his tears at bay, but he knew he would fail eventually.

Bobby didn't feel anything, but compassion for Dean's suffering. Could he have lasted as long as Dean had? He seriously doubted it.

"Dean –"

"I enjoyed it, Bobby…" Dean finally spit out. "How can I judge Sam when I…"

Bobby just looked at the young man he would proudly call the son he wished he had and wanted to trade places with him. He saw the pain of a young man asked to carry too much, a young man who took on too much without a second's thought to his own life, his own soul and if he weren't the cynical, seen-too-much-to believe-in-God old hunter that he was, he'd be crying, maybe even begging God to let Dean go, to not ask him to give more because Dean would give it. Instead he did the only thing he could, provide comfort, if it was even possible for Dean to accept it.

"I'm not gonna tell you that you held out longer than anyone could have because I know Sam's already told that you. Besides, I know better. No amount of words like that will make it better, make it go away, but Dean Winchester, I will tell you flat out that no way can you ever tell me that you did anything to deserve what Sam threw at you. If you're trying to tell me otherwise, you'll get nowhere with it. You did nothing wrong. You hear me? You survived. It's all anyone does in this life we all get."

Dean fell silent with Bobby's words, grateful for them because it was what he had needed to hear. They soothed if not healed the burn that Sam's words had left on him.

"Thanks, Bobby."

Dean leaned back in his chair, conflict raging from within him, but allowing himself to let go, for now.

"You know, when Sam and I were doing this case with magicians, Sam asked me something. I just brushed it off as usual, but I haven't been able to get it out of mind."

"What's that?"

"He asked if I thought we'd grow old hunting and being my smart assed self I told him that no, I thought we'd be dead before we'd get old. It didn't hit me until later that maybe Sam wants that, to grow old."

"Well, don't lead by my example. I'm not exactly growing old graceful."

Dean laughed.

"What's so funny?"

"Don't take this wrong, but that's just about what I said to Sam," Dean said as his smile disappeared.

Bobby just grinned briefly.

"Dean, when all this is over, and if we live through it, there's no reason you and Sam can't just leave the hunting behind."

Dean looked at Bobby incredulous.

"You serious? Have you been drinking from the same Kool Aid as Sam?"

"Hunting's a choice, least for you and Sam. Yeh, your dad brought you into it, but doesn't mean you have to stay in it."

"What about you? Don't you have that choice?"

Bobby's expression turned wistful.

"Too old to change my stripes. It's all I know. And if I were to be honest with myself, it's all I really want to do. My wife's possession might have brought me here, but she's not keeping me here. Just like your dad shouldn't be keeping you here anymore either."

"You really believe that we can walk away from this?"

"Why not? The only thing keeping you boys in it, are you. You said Sam wants out, well, he should do it if it's what he wants. Just like you should."

"I don't know, Bobby. Sammy, yeh, I want him out of the life," Dean said softly. "He deserves better, but…"

"You don't think you do," Bobby finished with a scolding tone. "You know, your dad, for all the good he's done saving people and for raising you boys, as best as he could given the world he brought you into, to be as fine an example of young men I have ever met, one thing I will never forgive him for and that is how he has messed with your head."

Dean looked over at Bobby, surprised by his reaction.

"I'm not going to mince words. Never have, not gonna start now. Your dad made you carry too much responsibility, Dean, not only for just Sam, but for the whole world and damn it if you just let that responsibility consume your life. You think you have to save everyone and worse yet, give up everything to do it. Well, let me tell you, that's a whole lot of horse manure. Now, I'm not going to tell you to give it up if you really feel it's something in your blood, if you really want to do it, but I will bet you that you can't look me straight in the eye and tell me that you don't want more from your life. You might be able to lie to yourself, but you can't to me."

Dean lowered his gaze unable to already face Bobby with what he knew was a lie. His dream root confrontation was proof of that. He did want more. After meeting his mom in Castiel's manufactured dream, knowing her desire to raise her children out of the hunting life, he knew that he had wanted the same thing. It broke his heart to know that she only had it for ten years then had it ruthlessly ripped from her grasp. Still, something more sinister made him question a decision like that.

"You're right, Bobby. I do want more, but so much evil has passed through me. So many enemies know who I am. I don't know if I can I protect my family from something they played no part in creating. I'd be on the run like Dad or like Jo's father, always on the hunt, hardly ever home. I don't want that. I can't put them through that."

"I know, son and it's because you think about such things is why I think the angels lifted you from the pit," Bobby said, a small smile on his face. "Look, I don't know what the future holds for any of us in this war, but what I do know is that both you boys have done your time in the life. Leave it behind you, Dean. The rest only God and psychics can know."

Dean nodded and smiled at Bobby.

"You know you're pretty good at this fatherly advice stuff," Dean teased.

Bobby's face softened as he looked up into the night sky.

"Your dad, I know he's looking down upon you boys with pride."

Dean followed Bobby's gaze skyward and sighed. The memory of their father no longer gave him pain, just sadness. He found himself missing him, but there was no judgment there anymore. Their father had done the best that he could. It was enough to know that now.

"You think so?"

"I know so. He was terrible at saying it, but make no mistake he loved you both. He told me one time that you boys deserved better, but that he was incapable of letting your mother's memory go."

"I know," Dean said, remembering the glimpse Castiel had given him of his young parents. "I've kind of made peace with Dad. Mom too."

Bobby heard more in Dean's voice, but let it go.

"Better get some shut-eye," Bobby said.

"Yeh, I guess I better," Dean said as he rose up from the chair, feeling the aches of his fight with Sam settling into his muscles. "Thanks, Bobby."

Bobby just nodded.

"Dean?"

"Yeh?"

"Do this old man a favor?"

"Anything. What?"

"Don't lose that hope of yours. Truth be told, I need it."

Dean nodded, patted Bobby's shoulder, and walked away. No words were needed.

FIN. Thanks for reading. Pondering a sequel, but nothing solid as of yet. Hope you enjoyed reading! Reviews are welcome and appreciated.