elmo-doodle: this episode was playing on E4 tonight, and I was just so stunned when Elliot said that she tried to kill herself! And then, of course, in true [SCRUBS] style, they didn't make it that serious. Soo, I decided to write this little bit!

Warnings: angsty, mentions suicide.

Disclaimer: don't own it, wish I did. =[

His Concern

"I once tried to kill myself."

For some reason, Perry couldn't get those six words out of his head.

"I once tried to kill myself."

It was like some sick mantra that was on a loop. He didn't understand why Elliot's words were stuck in his mind. Maybe it was the shock of it. Maybe it was just so unexpected.

"I once tried to kill myself."

Maybe it was the pathetic excuse that Elliot gave to them afterwards. He saw the expression in her eyes after she said that, like she hadn't meant to. Perry could tell when someone was lying. He saw it in her eyes, heard it in her voice and the way she rambled off some made-up story.

"I once tried to kill myself."

What puzzled him the most was how her friends hadn't properly shown any concern-- just curious for a bit of gossip. And, for some reason they weren't able to tell that the story she told them was just one big lie.

"I once tried to kill myself."

Perry realized that he wasn't going to get any productive work done unless he went to the source of the problem. He also wasn't sure if Elliot would still be in the hospital, since it was early morning and she had stayed overnight even when her shift was over.

He tried not to look like he was searching for someone as he walked about the corridors. He noticed that Carla, Turk and JD weren't anywhere to be seen either. He checked every floor and was about to give up when he walked past a supply closest. Well, not any supply closet-- this supply closet was notorious for being the one that Elliot Reid frequented when she felt over-whelmed. It was a long shot, but he had to try. He wasn't disappointed.

Elliot's head snapped up when the closet was flooded with light, and she squinted at the silhouette in the doorway. Perry sighed slightly when he saw the tear-tracks that marked her cheeks.

"Sorry," Elliot murmured, taking a deep breath and wiping her cheeks. "I was just going."

"Come, Barbie," Perry said in a tone that left no room for argument. He didn't look behind to check if Elliot was following him, but he didn't need to. He heard the closet door being closed and a pair of heels following after him. Perry led them in to an empty patient's room. As soon as they were inside, Perry closed the door and the spun around to face Elliot.

She wasn't looking her best. Her face was still marked with tears despite her best efforts to wipe them away. She was very pale and she kept her head down to avoid looking at him.

"I once tried to kill myself."

Perry had seen this in regular suicide patients. They attempt it once and then they "recover" from it. Next thing you know, they're back in the hospital, saying that things just got worse again. Most of the time, things never got better and the patient just stayed depressed.

"I once tried to kill myself."

Was it possible that the same theory applied to her?

"So, you tried to kill yourself?" Perry asked, casually.

Elliot immediately looked up at him with confusion. "Yeah, you were in the room when I said that and I told you the story--"

"Barbie, that lie is so big that it actually makes me mad," Perry said. Elliot began to protest. "No, Barbie, no. I know you lied. What I don't get is why?"

"What, so you want me to talk to you?" Elliot snapped, glaring at him.

Perry stared at her for a moment and then walked over to the bed and made himself comfortable. "I'm listening," he said, crossing his arms and watching her.

Elliot shifted a little under his gaze. "Why should I tell you?" she muttered, looking at the ground.

"Because I'm the only one who seems to care whether or not you are still depressed?"

Elliot snorted. "Yeah, like you'd give a crap about me," she said.

"Listen, Elliot," Perry said, making Elliot start at the use of her name, "I've seen this before. Granted, this is under different circumstances, but I recognise it nonetheless." He paused. "You never got over your first attempt, did ya?"

Elliot looked at him for a moment, obviously judging whether or not he was just playing with her. Eventually she decided that he was being genuine and she went and sat beside him. "I'd spent sixteen years growing up with my father's almost uncaring attention and my mother throwing insults at me, telling me how fat I was or how I was useless. She drank a lot when I was younger but she stopped when I was ten. Somehow, she just got meaner."

Perry nodded. His dad had been a violent drunk, as had his mother.

"School was horrible," Elliot continued. "I had no friends, low confidence which lead to low-self esteem, and everyone made fun of me. I was physically bullied a few times by a group of girls. One of the male coaches noticed this one day and asked me to see him after swimming class. He was a really nice guy-- I looked up to him and he was like a father to me."

She paused to look at Perry, and was surprised to see that he was watching her, intently listening to her. "He told me that he would talk to the girls and then their parents. I thanked him and he offered me a lift home, so I accepted it. I directed him to my house and he drove me there. I felt comfortable and safe with him, and then..."

"Then?" Perry prompted, when Elliot began to hesitate.

"When we got to my house and I was about to get out of the car he put his hand on me thigh," Elliot said, softly. "I was confused but then he leaned over and tried to kiss me. I began to panic and told him to get off me. It was like he didn't hear me and he moved his hand further up my leg and put his hand on my... my..."

"It's okay," Perry said gently when he realized that Elliot couldn't say it out loud.

Elliot closed her eyes. "I slapped him hard and managed to get out of the car, running up the driveway to my house. I didn't stop when I got inside-- I just ran up to my room and went in to the bathroom. I was so disgusted that I threw-up for several minutes. I spent the next two hours in the shower, trying to clean myself. I felt so filthy, like he was dirt and I couldn't get it off me. Even more, I felt horribly violated."

Elliot paused to breathe. She had gotten herself a little freaked out as she recounted it all. Perry tried to ignore the rage that boiled up inside him at the thought of someone assaulting Elliot like that.

"When I finally got out of the shower," Elliot continued, "my skin was completely raw. I got dressed and then I felt the need to brush my teeth since it was the only part of me that I didn't clean. I opened up the cabinet and saw a razor beside my toothbrush."

Perry stopped breathing for a few seconds. Elliot didn't need to continue for him to know what she did next.

"I went on like that for a few days before it all became too much," Elliot said, her eyes filling with tears. "I did get up early on the Saturday morning and walk down to the lake. I just went down in my pyjamas. I didn't walk in the shallow end of float about to wait until I got tired... I jumped off the pier and let myself fall in."

The tears fell, and Perry couldn't stop himself when he reached out and placed a comforting hand on Elliot's shoulder. He felt so shocked that he couldn't speak. When Elliot had told them earlier, she made it seem like she didn't want to kill herself, since she said that she had put her swimsuit on and mulled about in the water. But Elliot had just revealed that she had every intention of killing herself.

"I woke up in a hospital bed later that day," Elliot said, sniffing slightly. "Apparently some guy who was out fishing saw me fall in and went in after me when I didn't come back up. The doctor kept asking me what had happened, but I wouldn't tell him. Eventually though, my mother came in and of course, started insulting me. I snapped and yelled at her, telling her everything that had happened that day with the coach. She told dad, and he had him fired and arrested for assault."

She sighed. "I never talked about it again... until today."

Perry gently rubbed her shoulder. "You didn't ever stop feeling like that, did you?" he asked softly. Elliot shook her head. "Did you try to kill yourself a second time?"

"No," Elliot said, shaking her head again. "But... I would still cut... even now... when things get too much."

Perry sighed. "Elliot, you're a doctor, you know how risky that is."

"I know," Elliot said. "But it keeps coming back to haunt me. I have nightmares about that time, and sometimes I get so nervous that I actually vomit. Which just brings back more memories..."

Perry watched her for a moment. "I'm going to give you the number of a very good psychiatrist," he said, repeating his words from earlier and bringing a small smile to Elliot's lips. "I want you to promise me to go and see him, okay? I'm not going to tell anyone about this, but I think that you should at least seek the help of a professional." He wrote the number down on a slip of paper. Elliot took it silently and stared at it. Perry gently squeezed her shoulder once more and stood up and walked towards the door.

"Hey, Doctor Cox?" Elliot said, hesitantly. Perry stopped and turned to face her. "I... thank you."

Perry smiled softly. "You're welcome, Barbie," he said, before turning and walking out the door.

elmo-doodle: I didn't read this over so my apologies for any mistakes you find! I appreciate your reviews ^_^ Aand now, I'll get back to writing chapter nine of My Magic Box!!