[praying this chapter goes up and STAYS UP cuz if this chapter does a Cold Feet vanishing act, I'll be raging]

This chapter took foreverrrr, and i'm really tired now. But- Updating for timewaster who is now heirverse trash and should just accept it at this point. There's no cure for the heirverse infection, I'm so not sorry for this. Welcome to the crew, we have t-shirts. Going through Heir again with fresh eyes with you was... well an experience :) all those echoes making me happy... also I have skills. [Marisa Serise you'd be proud of me, being all confident and stuff]

I'm setting aside a t-shirt for Sesh, and some cookies, for when/if she gets here – its a LOT of reading...

A/n: Few things.

1. updated prologue a/n and story info to better reflect content and my feelings regarding Heir going forward :) Come so far and grown so much.

2. I have a new fanartist/cover illustrator on board! She is Moon - - shield on deviantart [delete the spaces]. On here she goes by Kuroswaggy. Go say hi to my fantastic new illustrator! She asked to draw me heirverse fanart and I had to have her illustrate my covers for me :) Fanart guys... fanart! Story covers! I am officially ruined :) ruuuined. PM me for links to the pretty.

3. I have more stories in this series now, particularly 'I Can't Be In there With You' which is Aizen's pov for chs 73/74 of this. It'll probably make you cry and feel things. And of course, Game and Survive. Cold Feet, too that's new – I worked on CF with the fantastic timewaster so please go drop us a few nice comments on that one. Game ch24 is our next collaborative effort :)

4. Sanctuary, Helios and Solitary Confinement are my next Heirverse oneshots, so if you're into this and have fallen down the rabbithole vortex, please do put me on alert or keep coming back as the series is always expanding. With Cold Feet, Sanctuary and Helios being a subset of three stories in the series (4 if we count Solitary) So they are meant to be read in succession – when they get posted of course. I'm entrenched in Sanctuary now.

5. There are inconsistencies with this series, naturally occurring due to continued series growth/development. I will go back, hunt for and fix them at some stage.

6. I will be steadily updating EVERYTHING and revisiting some old stories and writing new ones.

Notes on this chapter: more parallels coming up re: Aizen wrecking everything/everyone. Gin/Ulqui parallels on being wrecks Aizen has made. Linking up Game'/cwst's 'hellish voice' with its owner [so uhh... spoilers?]. In standard heirverse tradition: Game, Say, Survive, Cold Feet, Sanctuary & Helios echoes/calls/mirrors. Also references to "Sousuke doesn't want you!" that I wrote years and years ago! *feels old*, and Gin embracing the crazy, finally :)

Alright. That's me. Enjoy the story. Happy reading folks, I'm off to crash before work, my bed is calling to me. And as is my ritual after finishing/posting chapters – a nice hot chocolate with the wee marshmallows :)

Chapter 80: The Suppression of Darkness

Gin set down his supplies on the grass, gathered up for his impending trip into the desert wastelands. He took in a deep, long breath of the fresh air, making the most of the clean air before he headed out into the sandy, sunless waste. A place where you had to be crazy to go to. He'd said as much himself:

Gotta be insane ta wanna go there.

Sousuke had laughed when he'd said it, and simply replied with equal humour, before all the levity died. Well, that makes you just as crazy, wanting to come along with me to the sunless waste.

Gin smiled at the memory. He supposed they were both just as mad as each other.

He let out a slow sigh after filling his lungs completely with oxygen. Relaxing again after so long. The garden had always been one of his favourite places here. When he'd discovered it, a few weeks into their new life, he'd asked Aizen about it. Huecco Mundo was supposed to be a land of dead things... how was it possible for a place full to the brim with life to exist here?

But Sousuke filled him in, gently setting his teacup down on the white marble table they'd installed for meetings with the espada. "Jacinto created it for Maria."

"Maria?" He'd asked, eyebrows raised in curiosity.

"His wife." Sousuke told him. "A gift to her on the night they married."

Gin had to smile at that. A soft, tender smile he usually reserved for private moments with his partner. "Like you made me the sun."

Sousuke smiled at him then, a soft tender thing on his face that had pleased his heart so much to see, particularly after so long, and after so much ridiculous chessplay.

"Yes," he said softly, "A bit like that."

Gin thought for a moment. Digesting the thought. "He must have loved her a lot."

"He does." Sousuke told him, instantly realising his mistake and correcting himself for using the present tense. "Did."

Sousuke had looked pensive after that. Lost in a memory that wasn't his and probably tallying up the vast number of parallels between himself and Gin with Jacinto and Maria. Gin had taken it upon himself to snap his sun and stars out of those grim thoughts, grinning at him and working his arms around the older man. "Like you love me." he said softly, teasingly. Sousuke had smiled at him then, his mind back in the present reality again. His arms working themselves around Gin.

"Yes," he answered, keeping his voice low, sensual, seductive. "Like I love you."

After that thought faded away, the peace in the garden grew tinged with a hint of melancholy – at least for Gin. But then, he could say that about the whole of Las Noches, given all that had happened here. The awful mess with Orihime, all the suffering within these white walls, all the heartache... no wonder the inhabitants of this place referred to it as the Palace of Misery. Ulquiorra certainly did. He probably would now, too. He also had a feeling that if any of them ever got out of here and survived the war to come – whoever won or lost – none of them would ever be coming back to this place.

Gin took another deep breath, feeling a cool refreshing breeze and sat on the grass, intending to check his supplies one last time before setting out. His busy mind coming to a brief stop in various places as he processed everything. It still hadn't sunk in. Not really. But that would take time, he supposed, because it was a lot to process. His brain would need some time to catch up.

Things with Sousuke had been... Gin sighed. There were so many words he could use. Tumultuous, uncertain, difficult, heartbreaking, joyful... everything good and bad and worse all at once. But Sousuke had been his whole life. Everything he'd ever known for the past eight decades, and Gin knew that he was who he was – what he was – because of Sousuke.

Gin closed his eyes gently, just as a small gust of gentle wind ruffled through his silver hair. Thinking of how easily he could trace Sousuke's influence on his body. Strong muscles from his tutelage. A smile that hid everything. Scars new and old. Calloused, skilled fingers. And those were just the outward signs. Although those didn't exactly count for much, because it was on the inside he could truly trace Sousuke's influences. Follow all the lines and scars left on his soul like a roadmap. Point out all the bulletholes, his scars new and old. Evidence of Sousuke's touch everywhere. His corruption evident in all the changes he'd undergone, for the better or worse, at the older man's hands.

He was a flower shaped by the gardener's touch. Or poisoned, depending on the context. And Gin of all people knew just how important context was.

Quietly he began mapping the marks Sousuke had left on him, the changes he'd inspired and brought to fruition. Counting them. Vitriol for blood; poisonous, corrosive. A clever mind made dangerous by over seven decades of their chessplay. A soul that delighted in causing destruction, particularly the death of Hinamori, though in fairness she did almost destroy them. A tongue that wove lies so seamlessly. Green fingers. Gardeners hands. Moths in his belly. Masochistic, jealous, possessive tendencies. Emotions a complete wreckage – because of the lies, the betrayal, the affair... the doubts, the fear... the hellish voice in his Sousuke's head... this mess with Orihime... this new start... mentally, he was all over the place.

I am what he has made me, he reflected, and what a mess he has made of me.

He had a distrustful mind, too. One that still doubted even this strange bit of happiness now, too. Because how could all this not be some wonderful dream? How did he not die on that table in the laboratory? How could any of this be real?

Gin opened his eyes again, breathing deeply and slowly. Earlier on, he's washed his face, just to freshen up a bit. He thought on this as he'd caught sight of his reflection in the mirror. Pinched himself just to make sure he wasn't still dreaming. The pinch hurt, though Gin still wasn't convinced. He'd also noticed just how much the strain had taken a toll on him. How surprised he was at how normal he looked on the outside when inwardly he was such a wasteland. The only outward signs Sousuke existed in his life being the deep bruises on his wrist from when the man had refused to let him go. Even when suffocating...

Unconsciously, his hand found his chest, his beating heart. The thing almost stopped mid-beat, spluttering and thudding inside him, at the image of his partner suffocating. At the image of his Sousuke, his Helios, his sun, hanging butchered on that wall that sprung to mind immediately after because until not that long ago Sousuke dying could very well have happened. Gin's hands shook, panic - no, terror - threatening to consume him again. Breathing grew difficult again, and he felt that sick-to-his-stomach feeling he had so many times before. That same nervous anxiety like a gordian knot in his stomach, just as it had been in the weeks leading up to their defection. The fear that he might just be left behind. That the hellish voice might just get worse and worse and nothing of his sun would be left... that same hellish voice cackling and mocking him, Sousuke doesn't want you. Bringing awful, ugly memories to the forefront of his mind – the lies, the pain, the grief of being forgotten, seeing Sousuke and Momo together, the horrific possibility that Momo might just be pregnant, his Helios falling apart in front of him saying that he didn't deserve him and...

And with that Gin had an insane urge to sprint back the way he'd come, go crashing back into that laboratory, and hold that man in his arms until the terror subsided again. Just so he could tame it enough to actually get into the desert and find his cactus. Just to find sanctuary from the hellish voice inside his skull. Feeling a fresh wave of both horror and understanding of just what it had been like for Sousuke all this time, only what Gin heard was just an echo. Sousuke had this magnified by a thousand. Just that revelation alone gave him a maddening urge to shunpo right on back where he came from and never let the man he loved out of his arms again, if that's what it took to keep that dark, hellish voice silent for him.

Somewhere in the distance, he could hear Shinsou urging him to breathe. So he sat and tried to breathe through it, remembering the deep yogic breathing techniques Sousuke taught him for when his anxieties got too much to handle. He shut his eyes, crossed his legs, and employed said techniques. Because he knew if we went tearing back to the laboratory, he'd never leave it again. So he sat, closing his eyes. Breathing deeply and slowly until he calmed down. Hearing Sousuke's voice as he sat. Inhale, hold, exhale. Inhale, hold, exhale. That's good. Deep and slow, nice and slow. That's it.

It took a while, but calm did return to him. His heart stilled, breathing grew easy again, and he felt his body relax.

He had no idea how long he'd been sitting there, without any way to mark the passage of time in a place where time seemed to stand still. But he suspected it'd been a while. Not that it really mattered. All Gin cared about was that he could breathe again. That his anxiety had subsided enough so that he could blink his eyes open and push the ugly memories aside. Push them far away.

Because he had to remember, it hadn't all been bad. It hadn't all been manipulation and chessplay, all heartbreak and misery. Sometimes, they were actually happy together. No, actually the most part, they had been very happy. Were still happy they had each other.

And not all Sousuke's influences had been destructive.

He'd taught Gin to accept his body, when once upon a time he'd been self-conscious about it. Having been laughed at and mocked and sometimes shunned for his unusual features both in the Rukongai and then later in the academy, and soon after – before knowledge of his lethality had spread – in the Gotei Thirteen. He'd fed Gin's mind with another language; of flowers, of plants. Told him stories and encouraged him to learn all he could because 'you never know what might be useful'. And it was one lazy saturday in bed that he'd learned the story of Helios and Clytie, among others. Sousuke taught him, too, the art of love. How much pleasure his body could receive and give. Taught him how to love. The passion of sex. How to hold his own in battle. How to follow. How to lead. How to play the game of chess, on and off a physical chessboard. Gave him confidence in himself and pride in his abilities. Taught him how to smile, how to laugh – really laugh. How to feel.

How to live.

These were the things he had to remember when the darkness threatened to swallow him whole. The good things. Not the ugly, twisted aspects of their time together. Not the lies, not the heartache, the manipulations, the chessplay that seemed to mar everything about them. But the lighter, happier moments. The heartachingly beautiful moments of emotional intimacy alone in the Central fourty-six chambers... those were what he had to cling to. And if the darkness crept in again, that hellish voice echoing in his skull, saying 'Sousuke doesn't want you', he'd cast his mind back and make himself remember them. Because he knew otherwise. He knew they wanted - needed - each other. Their time alone in the Central fourty-six in hiding had taught them that. And Gin had to hold onto that, and those moments in time when that fact was obvious.

They were simple things. Little things. Trivial things. Mere moments in the grand scheme of things. Seconds in the face of eternity. But they mattered.

Things like the way Sousuke looked at him, when his mask of indifference slipped down or cracked. Smile warm, eyes soft. The covert flirting. The not so covert flirting. The kissing. Sousuke smiling at him, teasing him. Sousuke playing music for him. Sousuke getting so fucking wasted and slurring undying love to him, all over him like a lustful hormone-filled teenager – though at the time Gin had wanted the earth to open up and swallow him when Ukitake caught them engaged in a passionate kiss. Sousuke laughing in that way he did, 'are you asking me to marry you?' oblivious at the time to what the future held for them, that Gin actually would ask the fool to marry him. Sousuke sitting next to him, teaching him the complexities of their language, helping him to translate his capricious magician's floral offerings, because so much was determined by context. Sousuke handing him that red tulip that began it all. Sousuke asking, no, begging him to stay with him in the hospital after that stupid incident with the lamp post...

"Won't you stay?" Sousuke asked him.

"No." he breathed, "I can't. If Unohana-taichou catches us-"

"Please?" Sousuke persisted, voice thick with desperation, and something resembling shame. Grabbing his wrist before he could run away. "Stay with me. Please, stay. Please..."

Gin paused, sighed. Relented. "Ai'ght, fine. Bu' jus' fer a lil while. Don' lemme fall 'sleep."

But of course he'd fallen asleep anyway. And they'd ended up drifting off in each other's arms.

Sousuke touching him, slowly building up their level of physical intimacy, all the while telling him he needed to be more comfortable in his own skin.

"You need to grow more comfortable with being naked... with your body..."

Those hands were on him again, slowly caressing his wet skin as the hot spring water lapped at his waist. Fingertips gliding over his pale skin that people only ridiculed for being unusual, leaving a burning heat in their trails over him. His wonderful, if capricious magician casting yet another magical spell over him. Making his body burn and his breath catch as those fingers, those hands, caressed his neck... his shoulders... his waist... oh so very slowly he thought he might go mad. He was used to the man being fast and demanding and eager to please him, so this display of sensuality was... odd. Not unpleasant – it was quite pleasurable indeed – just something he wasn't used to. Soft touches. Intimate yet not overtly sexual touches. At least not yet. Though the desire was very evident. So very obvious.

When he turned Gin around to face him. Gin could see it was in those smouldering eyes, too,

In that voice...

Everywhere.

He was still thinking about it, those slow caresses, steadily going insane, until those hands came to rest on his hips, gripping him lightly.

"You're perfect," Sousuke told him, voice hypnotic and seductive, drawing him completely in. one hand raising from the water to caress Gin's cheek and neck. Eyes drawing Gin into them completely, as if he were a piece of metal and Sousuke a magnet. Gin initially thought he was being played, but everything about the older man's gaze seemed to be full of tenderness.

"I just wish you could see that."

Gin had to remember Sousuke called him beautiful, too.

Gin had to grip onto the sink just to remain upright, to not collapse or melt into a puddle with the pleasure the man was giving him. Sousuke had asked him, no, ordered him, to look in the mirror.

"Look at yourself. Look."

And Gin had done as he was told. Saw their reflections. Both of them naked, flushed with the heat of sex, glued together at the groin. Gin had looked away, embarrassed, but those fingers found him and gently turned his face upwards to look again.

"Beautiful. You're beautiful."

"I'm not." Gin answered him.

"You are."

It had taken several years, but finally, Gin started to believe it. That he was beautiful, strong, capable. How could he not, when it was repeated to him daily by a man who was all of those things?

"Strong and beautiful," Sousuke smiled, full of praise for him while working to heal Gin's injuries sustained from the gruelling training that would push Gin into readiness for the role of lieutenant, and the exams to attain such a role. "Just how I want you. Just why I desire you."

He was a snake, he realised the more he thought about it. Shedding his skin and becoming someone new. Someone better. Someone who years- decades later would be able to make that man, the master manipulator, chessplayer extraordinaire, truly surrender himself. Mind, body, and heart.

Tell me you love me.

And the moment when Aizen ceded control and finally gave in was made all the sweeter with the knowledge that those words he'd craved had come from somewhere real and true...

There were other memories, too. Pieces. Fragments. Moments in time. More seconds in the space of eternity Gin didn't think were important at the time yet stuck in his long term memory bank anyway. The first time they'd held hands. Evening walks together. Laughing, joking, dancing. Getting caught in the rain. Kissing in the rain. Lazy rainy days. Falling asleep together. Things he took for granted, like waking up to a hot mug of tea every morning. Things he should have appreciated more at the time, like Sousuke making him breakfast and looking after his hungover ass. That sly smile, and that laugh, saying 'it's fun to tease you'. Eyes he could drown in. lips he could kiss. Arms that would hold him close. And a warm embrace that had so often been his refuge from the world.

All the things he'd taken for granted.

Things he would never, ever, take for granted again.

And then there was that sun. The sun. the sun that shone in the sunless world, made just because he'd made an offhand comment...

He'd sighed, throwing himself down onto the plush sofa in Aizen-sama's private quarters, making Sousuke look up from his book.

"Ya know what I miss?" he asked. Though he didn't wait for an answer. "The sun."

Sousuke looked at him, somewhat curious and amused. "The sun?"

"The sun." Gin confirmed. "Y'know, actual daytime. I didn' think I'd miss it, bu' it's kinda weird to wake up and it be dark, to ta bed an' it be dark..."

Gin's voice trailed off and Sousuke closed his book slowly, a touch of concern in his expression. "You're having trouble adjusting?"

"I dunno, I just..." Gin sighed, "s'not that. Well, maybe it is..."

Sousuke set his book down beside him, gazing at Gin softly. Reaching a hand out to beckon Gin closer. Gin obeyed the silent command and crawled closer, laying his head on his partner's lap.

"I suppose a land of eternal night will take a bit of adjusting to." Sousuke said gently.

"Yer tellin' me. Didn' think I'd miss somethin' so trivial as the sun."

Sousuke smiled then like he wanted to laugh - because how could the sun possibly be trivial? - and began absentmindedly stroking Gin's silver hair.

"What can I do to make it better?" he asked.

Gin sighed softly, content at the soothing strokes of his head. "Less ya can make a damn sun, I don' think ya can do much." Gin answered, smiling lazily, "I 'preciate the offer, though."

Gin hadn't thought much more of it than a little vent of his frustrations in adjusting to life in a sunless world. But it wasn't hard to miss the man's preparations. The little hints. Books on physics and astronomy appearing on his bedside table. Notes and diagrams from his research scattered on his desk. Scribbled formulas and mathematical equations to calculate reiatsu to mass ratios. Badly scrawled hypothesis. The man himself coming to bed past three in the morning.

Gin tried not to get too excited. After all, even with Sousuke's level of intelligence and scientist's mind, it might not even work. Nothing like this had ever been done before.

But still, he was curious. So Gin followed him once, creeping silently through the white palace, suppressing his spiritual energy so he could watch undetected and unobserved, hiding around a corner. Peering around it as the man conducted his experiments with spiritual energy and mass. Creating little lights in the darkness and, though Gin didn't have a full direct view of them, miniature supernovae that fit in the palm of Aizen-sama's hand as he stood on the balcony.

He'd leant against the wall, watching out of sight, watching one such miniature phenomenon, until Sousuke, frustrated with his failure, threw a physics book that would have hit Gin's face if he hadn't ducked out the way in time.

He'd let it drop after that and went back to bed before Aizen discovered him. Reasoning that if Aizen wanted his help, he'd ask for it. Or that maybe it just couldn't be done, even with Aizen's power.

It was some months later, when he'd all but forgotten about it, having found better, more amusing ways to pass the time – like pranking the shit out of Grimmjow – when he'd woken up to bright sunlight. Real, honest-to-god sunlight, blinding him.

Gin was unable to hide his grin. "You made a sun."

Gin turned his head as he watched his lover, his partner, lazily smile and roll over, pressing their naked bodies together. The man's voice breathy and sensual in Gin's ear.

"Yes. I made a sun for you."

And then there was that sun rising in the west, just because he'd said...

Gin let a soft smile tug his lips upwards. Yes, these were the things he had to remember; that their history together had been full of moments like these. That regardless of what happened, the present was, too – them falling asleep together, Sousuke holding him close, kissing him even though it meant he couldn't breathe, signing that he loved him...

He had to remember, too, that they could fill their future with moments like those as well.

He thought again of the gladiolus. The one Sousuke had given him all those years ago, telling him that context was important. That how you chose to look at something determined the meaning in it. And he knew then, in that moment, he had a choice in how he looked at this. At their relationship.

Gladiolus. You pierce my heart with passion. You stab my heart. It was all about perspective.

He smiled to himself as he re-packed his supplies and stood, slinging the bag over his shoulder. Securing Shinsou at his side. Deciding then that he'd choose to have a positive outlook on his time with Sousuke. Because no matter how fucked up things were, how bad it got, he'd still rather be with Sousuke than anywhere else, because that man made him happy. Because they made each other happy.

Gin couldn't help but hum a tune as he strode out of the garden, feeling better than he had in weeks, intending to head straight out to the desert. Only, along the way, he encountered Ulquiorra, looking grim, yet determined as well. Gin raised his hand in greeting, smiling.

"Ulqui," he called out, unable to hide the surprise in his voice. The espada looked nothing like the strong, solid man who'd stood defending him, who'd looked after him and helped him hold it together when Aizen broke his world apart. This man looked haggard, somewhat frantic, and like he hadn't slept in days. And Gin knew something was wrong. That something had happened while he'd been asleep.

"Gin," the dark haired espada panted, staring up at him, desperation thick in his voice, though he tried to hide it.

"Yah, Ulqui, what d'ya need?"

Ulquiorra paused a moment, dragging a breath into his lungs. "Is there somewhere we can talk?"