Hi there! This is just a little oneshot I dreamt up. I promise I don't own anything Blackadderish - it's all the BBC's. Enjoy!

Edmund Blackadder did not fancy boys. He was a man and believed that, as a man, he should fancy girls. And he practised his beliefs. Not quite as regularly as he led others to believe, but regularly. He liked to look at feminine curves not broad masculine shoulders. Actually he was more into legs than shoulders. Not that that made any difference because he did not fancy boys. Full stop, no exceptions.

Except two.

The first Edmund had put down to him simply being efficient. Every teen ends up having a daft crush on a teacher, a friend's parent or a parent's friend and someone of the same gender. 16 year old Edmund found all of these in his O Level Chemistry teacher. Mr Fields personality was perfect. The witty banter between teacher and adoring pupil was fierce, bordering only slightly on flirting. Well, Edmund was certainly flirting.

Funny thing was, Edmund accepted the fact that he had a crush on a man very easily then. He never admitted to the second. He only had to admit it to himself but he never did. The effects the second man had on him were exactly to those from Mr Fields, those horrible butterflies that struck whenever he came near and, most annoyingly, the inability to act cordially. Edmund had to strike up a conversation with him, teasing and jibing and, yes, flirting.

Edmund lay in his itchy, cramped bunk with his head in his hands. Last night confirmed the awful suspicions he had been having lately. Those soft hands across his back, those ridiculously pouty lips pushed against his. Then that bloody git George decided to wake him up because Baldric thought he had found a German Spy. It turned out to be a rat with very squinty eyes. Edmund shook his head in disbelief at the idiots he had to live with. He lay back in his bunk, rolled over, and tried to recapture his dream, to think of those dark eyes and his slicked back hair. Edmund's eye snapped open. He was trying to think of him! That was not a good sign. He was in the army for God's sake! Why not start writing poetry and plays, and dance off into No-Mans-Land before the society papers found out and he was shot for being a bit of a whoopise. He could even see his epitaph – here lies Edmund Wilde.

Meanwhile, in head office, Kevin Darling put down his favourite book of Oscar Wilde plays. Kevin sighed and pulled out some paperwork. One particularly vicious sheet sliced open the palm of his rather soft hands. Bloody Blackadder. It would be. Only he could slice open someone's hand by simply by having his name appear on a sheet of paper. It seemed Blackadder was applying for some leave. Kevin's hand wavered slightly. It was a chance everyone in headquarters would think he would jump for. Get rid of Blackadder and his cruel taunts for a week or two.

On the contrary, Kevin pushed the form to the bottom of the pile. It was simply to keep Blackadder suffering, no other reason. His eye twitched. No there was no other reason.

Two weeks later, the doors of headquarters burst open, and in strode Blackadder. "Darling I'm home!" he called out, sarcasm dripping from his lips. Lips in a rather nice shade of red, thought Kevin but only for a second.

"Blackadder? What brings you here? General's out for the day so you can't do any sucking up." Kevin didn't trust himself to look up from his work.

"It wasn't the general I was looking for. I want you Darling". Blackadder inwardly cringed at the blatant innuendo.

Kevin cleared his throat a moment to late. His eye twitched. "I'm a busy man Blackadder – state your business or leave." He thought his brisk air would make this very annoying man leave him alone. But no, it didn't work. It never did.

"Darling I much prefer to leave and return to my wet, muddy trench, spend and afternoon with George and Baldric and be shot at by Germans than stay here. However, until I find out what you have done with my request for leave, I am staying put."

Bugger, he had remembered that he had requested some. Kevin felt himself blush as he tried to think of a good enough reason. "Your request for leave? Its here on my desk Blackadder. It was rejected by the powers that be. Shame really, I was looking forward to getting rid of you."

Why did Darling's flippant comment hurt so much? Blackadder glared at the pathetic pencil pusher, trying to be a macho man, which was ridiculous when he was having such girly thoughts. "Darling, I see what's going on here. People just love me too much to let me leave. On the other hand, I bet your leave request was accepted straight away. Who would want a miserable toady making the office smell so revoltingly of an all boys private school?"

And with that, Edmund Blackadder, Kevin Darlings secret love, waltzed out of his office. Kevin's eye twitched as he watched him go.

Edmund's dreams continued, growing in urgency and creativity. He had started to have favourites, which was a definite concern. Throwing all of that ridiculously neat paper work onto the floor then throwing that ridiculously neat pencil pusher onto the now empty desk was by far the best. Darn these exceptions. He had been making more and more journeys to headquarters, for more and more pathetic reasons. Honestly, I'm more pathetic than a twelve year old girl, he told himself, as he walked along the long corridor towards General Melchett's offices. He threw the doors open, witticism already planned, but the shock of what he saw left him speechless.

There sat Kevin Darling, his face white, tears forming. Never had Edmund seen such desolation in a person, not even at the front line. "Darling?" The poor man looked utterly defeated. "Kevin?" He whispered. That name fit in his mouth so perfectly, each syllable falling from his lips perfectly. Kevin looked up, shocked by Edmund's sudden appearance.

"You shouldn't be in here Blackadder, tight security is in operation." The bravado sounded forced, his throat was tight with tears as the letter lay untouched on the table before him.

"So you are letting me know about the bottom fondling this time?" Blackadder was not good at sympathy, he always felt it best to embarrass the bad feelings away and he was secretly hoping for a repeat performance.

Kevin went pink, his eye twitched, admittedly less than usual, and Blackadder felt his pulse rise just a bit. Perhaps Kevin had been slightly over zealous during the frisk but it was an opportunity that could not be missed. "Blackadder! Such allegations are Court Marshall offences!" Strangely, he sounded more worried that Blackadder might be caught, rather than amused. The eye twitched again, helping prove Blackadder's suspicions. He had noticed that eye twitched much more when he was near. At least the tears were receeding.

"Darling, there is something severally wrong. I may be wrong, but I think I may have noticed the teeniest hint of concern in your voice."

"You are completely wrong Blackadder. You are no concern of mine." Blackadder turned to leave. "No! Wait! Edmund!"

The use of his first name for the first time since recruitment made Blackadder turn on his heel. It was strange, his voice sounded so like a certain teachers. "Kevin?" How he loved to say that name!

"Edmund, come away with me. Take your leave now, no questions asked. They are going for a big push, and there is no way you can get out of it otherwise. The General has a special "job" for George, he would never sacrifice the son of an old friend, and we could save that trained monkey you keep, if you so wished. Its easy to hide a private, captains are much harder."

"You want to save me?"

"Yes. Please don't ask me why, just come away with me. Have your bags packed by 2200 hours." And yet again, that strangely attractive eye twitched.

Edmund looked at the man of his dreams, the man who was risking all to save his neck. He knew he had to act now. He strode forwards, his proud strut eating up the carpet between door and desk. He pushed the papers onto the floor and pulled Kevin up by his lapels. Kevin's eye twitched furiously, terrified of what Edmund was about to do. Never in all his wildest day dreams did he imagine Edmund kissing him hard, crushing their lips together. Edmund dropped the stunned Kevin and walked slowly back to the door. Before he left the office he turned back to see his perfect pencil pusher picking up all those papers. The memories of that illicit encounter on that last chemistry lesson of 5th form flooded back. "Ten o'clock sharp." He smirked, that arrogant ravishing smirk that Kevin loved so much. "Till then, Darling."