Chapter 10 The moment of truth

Five seconds later Jules came out and found her sister looking shocked, hurrying towards her. She had heard a car peeling out but couldn't see who it was. At the same time that Jules approached her sister, Alex came out looking both ways, seeing the sisters, she ran towards them, just catching part of Jace's conversation.

"A small blonde, she must have confused me with you and thought that you were leaving or something because without turning off the car she jumped out, threw herself at me and kissed me. It took me a few seconds to react and when I pushed her away she must have seen my expression of shock because she covered her mouth and ran back the to the car and left…Jules, what the hell did you do this time?"

"I didn't…" She began to protest. "Oh God." She gasped when she realized whom the blonde was she was talking about and the only one who would have done that.

"Jules, Kelly just called and said that Lil was coming over to clear things up with you. From what she told me she's convinced that you aren't interested in her" Alex said hurriedly. Jules face was pale.

"I have to find her; I have to talk to her! Oh boy!" Jules was beginning to hyperventilate, the very idea of hurting Lil was to overwhelming and she had already done it twice. Even though this time it wasn't on purpose. Lil wasn't aware she had an identical twin and that she had been visiting just at the moment.

"Calm down JJ." Her sister's voice sounded firm but warm. "JJ, it was just a misunderstanding and if I have to personally go and clear it up myself I will. But you have to calm down."

"I have to go see her!" Insisted Jules, she took a deep breath and tried to focus her energies properly, she closed her eyes and breathed in and out a couple of times holding each breath a few seconds to control it.

Alex passed her a piece of paper and for a moment didn't know what she was looking at.

"It's Lil's address, she didn't go to work, she hasn't in the last three days, she has permission, go look for her and for God's sake Jules stop running!"

Jules looked into Alex's eyes and they exchanged a silent peace offering. Alex was right.

Since she already had the keys to her Pathfinder, she ran towards it, Jace yelled at her not to worry about her. Either Sam or Alex would take her home. Jules nodded and left in search of Lil. From the moment they had met, it had been one misunderstanding after another, even without knowing that Lil was Little Dreamer. That and her fear of letting anyone into her heart. She had been so stupid, but she would fix that, she cared about Lil and wanted an opportunity to get to know her. No one had made her feel the way Lil did, no one.

Jules arrived before Lilith to her apartment. She knocked several times but no one answered. She looked around and didn't see the RAV parked anywhere along the street. Nevertheless, she would wait for her all day if need be. The tall woman couldn't know that Lil had to stop several times to try to calm down, but just when she thought she had it under control she remember Jules and she'd lose the battle again. Finally, without even realizing it she pulled into her street. On automatic pilot, she parked the RAV and without looking around headed up the stairs to her apartment. Jules saw her arrive and stood up from the steps leading to the apartment. Lil finally realized there was someone in her path and looked up. For a moment she stood petrified. She watched in slow motion as Jules moved down towards her, for just a moment she thought of running not sure if she could face another rejection. Nevertheless, Jules took her by the shoulders, noticing the reddened eyes and swollen face and pulled her into her arms. Lil for a moment let herself be held then suddenly realized that this same woman had pushed her away not more than an hour ago and tried to pull away, but Jules held on to her tightly.

"No Lil, no, it's time to stop running, please!" She said in a strangled voice through her own tears, which she hadn't realized were pouring down her face and didn't really care.

"But I went to see you." She said between sobs. "I went and you…"

"It wasn't me Lil, it wasn't me." She hugged her tighter as if she could meld them together.

Lil somehow managed to find the strength to pull away.

"How can you say that? I'm not crazy!" She cried in pain.

"I have a twin sister, identical twin sister Lil. It was her who you kissed; Jace told me everything when I went out a few seconds after you left. We were going to have lunch, she came down from NYC." Jules desperately explained, needing Lil to give her another chance. "She arrived today to surprise me."

Lil looked at her not sure whether to believe her or not. Searching in her eyes for the truth, she didn't see anything but profound emotion and fear, a lot of fear.

"Let's go inside Lil, let me explain please." Jules pleaded. She had never in her life pleaded with anyone and now she was begging and surprisingly she it didn't seem to matter.

Lil consented and headed up the stairs towards her apartment. She was trembling all the way and she wasn't sure what to do or say, her mind was a tangle of confusion and emotions.

Lil's hands trembled as they tried to open the door. Jules noticed and took the keys opening the door for her. Although she was just as emotional as or more so than Lil. Lil had awakened feelings in her that she thought were long forgotten and dead. As soon as they stepped through the door, Lil let herself drop into the sofa not able to hold herself up any longer. She didn't know where the normally centered and rational woman that she was had gone. Jules St. Claire had turned her world upside down.

Jules noticed Lil sitting with her shoulders hunched and hands tightened into fists between her legs. Almost as if Lil was afraid to look at her. Her heart broke at the knowledge that she was the one that had caused her pain. She knew that even though she and Lil really didn't know much about each other, had in fact only been together three times, she could not deny how she felt about her. Even though she had tried everything in her power, she could not get her out of her mind. She wanted Lil, she wanted her as much as she wanted to live, and the feeling was so powerful. Moreover, she knew that if she tried to deny it any longer she'd be lost forever.

"With that decision now firmly in mind she took a deep breath and looked a Lil one more time before dropping down to her knees in front of her.

"Lil look at me." She took her hands and waited patiently for Lil to look at her, but Lil seemed reluctant to do so, she released one of her hands and with it raised the blonde's face. However, Lil's eyes remained closed refusing to look at her. With a sigh of frustration, Jules again asked her to look at her. "Lil please look at me."

Jules soft and warm voice was like the siren song for Lil who couldn't fight its lure. She opened her tear-filled eyes and like every other time that her eyes met Jules, she fell into them instantly. The dark woman smiled, drinking in the librarian's beauty, which was obvious she herself was not aware of.

"Do you have any idea what you make me feel?" She said in a tortured whisper, Lil could only shake her head negatively. "You should. You're the reason that… my life…at least I thought it was perfect until I got on this rollercoaster with you." She laughed at herself. Lil looked at her without saying anything; she still wasn't sure what Jules true intentions were for being there. Lil for once in her life was speechless and didn't know what to say.

"There is something I have to confess, and I want you to know I didn't know until you mentioned it last Saturday in class." Lil looked disconcerted.

"What are you talking about?"

"Do you remember when you said that horrible woman RunRivergrrrl was right?"

"Yes, Kelly dared me; she said I was incapable of taking such adventures. So I wrote the woman that put the ad in the personals and when she answered me she said the same thing Kelly did but with crueler words. Later she apologized but by then I had already decided to show my friend and myself that I was capable.

Jules agreed, even without knowing whom Lil was she would say without fear that it was true, she and Kelly had been wrong. The blonde was very capable and with the proper training would be a good kayaker. She took a deep breath to give herself courage without looking away from Lil.

"I'm that horrible woman." She confessed. Lil jumped off the sofa pulling away brusquely from Jules who was still holding her hand, moving away as far as possible.

"What! All this has just been a joke? Have you had your fun? Is it your hobby to play with a person's feelings? Make fools of them?" She accused glaring at her in anger and pain.

"Lil, you aren't listening, I didn't know you were Little Dreamer. I might have been able to guess on your first day of class but I wasn't there remember? I didn't read your profile; Alex only gave me the necessary details. I didn't even know that you lived in St. Paul until I saw you at Milano's; and you told me that you had never kayaked before." She defended herself heatedly. She knew that whatever happened between them depended on Lil believing in her ignorance of her real identity. "If you hadn't said anything who knows if I ever would have found out, I just don't know."

"And when did you realize that it would be fun to teach me a lesson? Is that why you kissed me at the bar?"

"No, Lil, no!" I kissed you because I wanted to, I kissed you because I had no other option, and I had to do it. I needed to do it. Lil…" She tried to get close to her, but Lil kept moving back and Jules let out a frustrated growl. She moved away and began pacing back and forth in the small living room. "It's been over three years that I date anyone, much less look at anyone. I've dedicated myself to work, training and making JAS the best place in the whole state. Alex and Sam are intent on finding me a girlfriend, always trying to set me up. The ad was Alex and Sam's not mine, just another attempt to get me interested in someone. When I found out I was furious…"

"And that's why you wrote all those hateful words?" Lil interrupted her in a hurt voice, "so you could get even with your friends?"

"No, no, I'm not going to deny that I was upset at them, but when I responded to the message I did it only with the intention to make you see that it wasn't something to take lightly. I agree that my words were a bit harsh, but I apologized, I already told you. Moreover, the ones that I did answer I only did because they looked serious about outdoor sports so I recommended JAS. I haven't met a single one of them despite the fact that the girls have tried to get me to meet them. And they don't know that you were one of them, for Christ's sake I didn't even know." She ruffled her hair. Breathed deeply once again before continuing. "They feel that I've shut myself away for far too long. I just always thought that was the best thing for me. I had been hurt by my ex's infidelities. And I suppose she hurt my ego more than anything else, because I realized I never really loved her. Since then I haven't dated, I stopped looking at women, not even to notice if they were attractive or not. They ceased to exist for me. Moreover, my life was simple, go to work, give classes, travel and my sister. Nothing else.

Lil continued to stare at her without saying a word, wondering where Jules was going with her explanation, what did it have to do with her?

"And that's the way it was until I met you." Jules noticed how Lil pulled back as if she had been pushed. "That's right Lil, I know that I didn't show it, yes, I know that I was always the professional at your side, but the truth is I did notice you. I denied it to myself to be honest, but from the first moment, that I saw myself reflected in your eyes I was lost. Or is it that you think that I take care of all my students as I do you? Do you think I carry them in my arms and I assure myself that they are alright for sport?" She laughed at herself. "No Lil, I don't, Alex must have realized something was going on, because she never lost the opportunity to hassle me about it. That day that you hugged her, it bothered me. Why did you do it I asked myself? And when Alex began to say you were cute and that maybe she'd try to court you I almost tore her head off. I had no real reason to do that right. You're my student I kept telling myself, what does it matter? But the truth was it was important. I didn't know what was happening to me, why I was feeling like this. Saturday night I went to the bar it was because I told myself that the reason I was feeling that way was that I had been alone for so long. And I just happened to pick the same bar where you were. You don't know how I felt when I saw you with Kelly and I thought she was your girlfriend! I nearly died from jealousy and that was driving me nuts. I kept telling myself there was no reason to feel that way, I was nothing to you I didn't even know if you were even attracted to me, but I still felt jealous."

"Why did you kiss me?" Lil asked shakely.

"Why? God Lil you were killing me! My whole being was clamoring for you, when you pulled away and looked into my eyes as we danced I was lost, I had to kiss you or die if I didn't do it.

"But you looked at me as if you were disgusted!" Lil accused.

"No it wasn't the kiss Lil, it was the most marvelous experience of my whole life, but I was afraid, what you were making me feel was overwhelming. For God's sake I kept telling myself it made no sense, I barely knew you my mind kept screaming. Then our friends decided to make a show of it and that took me by surprise, and then you ran away, and I didn't know what to do! I was too frightened of my feelings for you and didn't know how to react. These past few days have been hell Lil, you have to believe me, I debated between looking for you or staying away for fear of hurting you further.

"And why are you here?" Lil insisted. She had unconsciously gotten closer to Jules.

"Why? Because when Jace told me that you had been there and you had confused her for me, I knew that you were more courageous than I when you came searching for me and I wouldn't dare do the same. But I couldn't just let you run way again Lil." She looked into her eyes and took a few tentative steps closer to Lil who did the same towards her. "I don't know where this road will take us Lil, I don't know if it's a reflection of my solitude, I don't know if I'm going crazy, I don't know anything. However, I do know that ever since I met you I can't stop thinking about you, that when I see you something inside me clicks and everything makes sense. You make me feel things that I thought could never exist, feelings that I thought I knew but didn't. Lil I…"

Lil closed the distance remaining between them and placed her finger on her lips. Jules looked into her eyes trying to find answers. "Don't say it, it's not the right time, I know what you feel, I know it because my heart feels the same way. You're right, all this feels like some crazy dream that makes no sense. Nevertheless, the dream could be something wonderful and we are both crazy. And if we are both crazy I'd like to find my sanity with you." She caressed Jules face. Jules began to feel warm; she rubbed her face against the warm palm, letting a profound sigh escape.

"Together." Jules mused laughing happily, she felt as if the walls that she had built up around her heart had fallen like a house of cards. Lil not willing to wait any longer moved her hands around her neck and pulled the dark head down towards her lips. Jules did not resist and wrapped her arms around Lil's waist pulling her in close. Both let a profound sigh of delight escape when their bodies pressed one against the other. Jules caressed Lil's face with one had as they kissed. Heaven, I found heaven was all either one could think.

Neither of the two could see into the future, neither knew if being complete opposites if they would be able to find just the right medium to create something marvelous and eternal. There were still many questions and many answers to discover but they didn't need to be fortunetellers to know that their place was in each other's arms. Together they would overcome whatever obstacle.

FIN

I did it! Finally (sigh)

Don't forget to leave your comments, if I can take the time to write it and you could take the time to read it, you can at least take a couple of minutes to let me know what you think. Please, THANK YOU!

The song by Foreigner "I Want to Know What Love Is" was used without permission; there is no profit to be made.