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THE VOLDY DIARIES

Dear Diary,

My therapist said it would be a good idea to get my thoughts down on paper. Avada Kedavra. Then I thought it might be a good idea. That stupid Potter why can't he just die so I can win and I think he stays alive to spite me. Also his friends are so annoying. That Weasly is a blood traitor and so stupid also that red hair is a curse in that family. The only reason I haven't beaten them yet is because I can't get the elder wand .That stupid Grindelwald wouldn't tell me where it was but unfortunately for him I'm not very patient so I just Killed him. I have lots of evil plans to sort out you know.

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Dear Diary,

My deatheaters are revolting... well, they are; but they're revolting against me. They keep going to the other side because they are offered cookies. The only ones that are on my side are Wormtail, who is allergic to cookies; Narcissa and Lucius, who are watching their weight; and the one, the only – Insane Lestrange. I would be grateful to have her on my side but she scares me.

So now I've got to recruit some other nuts from the 'I Think I'm A Murderer Hotline'. You wouldn't believe how many people you can persuade to join.

OH CRAP! My deadtherapist managed to send me a bill! 1000 galleons! You've got to be kidding me. I'm not sending a dead man money. And a second later, my financial advisor was about to walk in! But I stopped him so I didn't have a recurrence of what happened with the therapist. I couldn't afford it.

Now I'm going to find Nagini before she eats Wormtail.

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