Even after a 6 month delay... wow that's long... *both girls look sheepish* we still don't own Twilight. Wow ...sorry we took so long. The summer was ... well it was. lol. Well, we're not going to waste your time with what we did with our time in the last 6 months. All you need to know is that here we are with chapter 26! Yay! Same warnings apply as always. They sleep, they drool, they fail. :P Hope this makes up for the summer! Proceed. ^_^ -------------------
ACT TWENTY SIX: BLAME CANADA!
After a gruelling flight of about 4 hours, the weary travelers land in Canada. They are met with a most frightening shock.
CARLISLE: *jumping up* Ok guys, we're here! Let's get this vacation started!
ESME: *yanking him back down in his seat* Hold it! Before you go crazy, look out the window.
Carlisle opens the window shade. For family safety, they kept them pulled down. A crestfallen look appears on Carlisle's face.
CARLISLE: No! You've got to be kidding me!
The sun is shining as bright as can be. No, really, they're in Canada, people. The sun is confusing, we know. The rest of the family takes notice and share disappointed gasps and groans.
EMMETT: This is bullshit!
ESME: Language, Emmett!
EMMETT: Sorry mom… But this is bullshit!
ALICE: How am I supposed to buy shoes stuck on this plane!
ROSALIE: *annoyed* Perfect!
JASPER: It's the rapture! Duck and cover!!! *Jasper ducks and covers under Emmett's hoodie*
EMMETT: Oh, really? This Jasper growth is getting out of hand. I hope it's not malignant.
JASPER: Nope! I'm a benign, confederate, sexy growth!
EMMETT: *grins* Actually it's more of a rash.
JASPER: *sticks out his tongue*
EMMETT: You know, unless you're going to use it, don't stick it out.
JASPER: Hee! Later! *winks*
EMMETT: Heh.
JACOB: I didn't know Canada got sun. I thought it was enveloped in darkness. Like Alaska. Or the moon.
BELLA: *rolls her eyes at Jacob* Are you sure you're not from the moon?
EDWARD: He's so full of it, I'd say the full moon.
JACOB: Ha. Ha. Funny guy. At least I'm not stuck on this plane.
JASPER: Why not? How can we be stuck but not you! What's your secret! I must knooooowww!
JACOB: *deadpan* Woof.
JASPER: Oh right. Wait! Why weren't you in a crate in the luggage hold with all the other pets?
JACOB: When we get off this plane, I'm feeding you to a beaver.
BELLA: A beaver?
JACOB: Yes.
BELLA: A beaver.
JACOB: Well, it's like the most vicious animal in Canada so ...
BELLA: *clunks head on the seatback in front of her* Go back to the moon, Jacob.
While the children are squabbling with each other, Esme is waiting for Carlisle to figure something out.
ESME: Well? We can't sit on this plane forever, Carlisle. People are going to wonder.
CARLISLE: Canada, specifically Ontario, has the worst weather in the free world! The sun shines maybe once a century! And it picks today to be nice?!
ESME: Apparently so. So?
CARLISLE: Damn you Ontario! Why do you have to be so ...
JASPER: Bleh?
CARLISLE: Don't you dare start with that!
EDWARD: You know, the people here are probably in their glory that the weather is so nice.
CARLISLE: *in snarky tone* Well goody for them!
JACOB: I thought we had the worst weather in the world?
EMMETT: I think Ontario beats us out by an extra day of rain.
JACOB: Wow, that's pretty sad.
JASPER: *still under Emmett's hoodie* Does no one care that the rapture is upon us!
ALL IN UNISON: NO!
JASPER: Well fine. But when I get up to heaven first, I'm changing the lock on the pearly gates so none of you can get in.
EMMETT: You're locking me out of heaven?
JASPER: *whispers* I'll hide you a key under a cloud.
EMMETT: *pats Jaspers hoodie covered head* Gee thanks. I knew you loved me.
JASPER: Of course! Besides, I've always wanted to do it on a cloud.
EMMETT: OKAY, so…
EDWARD: *rather smug* Not that the end of the world is imminent or anything, but, if it was, we'd all be just fine. Immortal and all. Sorry Jacob.
JACOB: *just as smug* Maybe, but your girlfriend would be going down with me. Not immortal and all.
EDWARD: I'd change her first.
BELLA: Really!
EDWARD: Well, if this highly unlikely situation were to happen, yes. But, since it's not… No.
BELLA: Boo. You whore.
While everyone is talking away, the pilot makes his way over to them.
PILOT: Well, I hope you all had an enjoyable flight. I'd also like to say that the lovely Ontario greeting we landed into was short lived. It's gotten cloudy and a storm is forming. So if you all don't want to get too wet, I suggest you all get along to the terminal to get your things and get to your hotel. Fortunately, the weather is going to be better over the next few days. Quite warm, with overcast, so not much sun, but nice warm weather and no rain so it will be dry. Enjoy your stay in our lovely country folks. *he leaves*
CARLISLE: Well, that was lucky.
ESME: I'll say. Let's get going then. Come on everyone.
JASPER: *comes out of Emmett's shirt* So there's no rapture?
EDWARD: You're an idiot.
JASPER: You're a foot!
CARLISLE: All of you! Save it till we get off the plane please.
Everybody proceeds to exit the plan and make their way to the luggage area of the airport. They all stand around the luggage carousel grabbing their bags.
ESME: Everybody have their things?
There is a collective 'yes' and one small 'no' heard. All eyes fall on Alice.
ESME: No? Why could you possibly have more than one bag?
ALICE: Well … I needed one for clothes and one for my shoes. And one extra one for shoes I plan to buy.
ESME: *in shock and dismay* Is she serious?
ROSALIE: Sadly, yes.
ESME: She's almost as bad as your father and that damn computer. Which better not make an appearance at this Wonderland.
CARLISLE: Now, now, you need not worry my dear. It will be left in the hotel room, safely locked in the safe.
ESME: Locked in the … let's just go.
As they walk out with the bags, Emmett looks behind him and sees Jasper standing with his bag on the floor.
EMMETT: Are you coming?
JASPER: *in whining voice* Emmeeettt …. It's heavy.
EMMETT: Heavy? No it's not. And even if it was …
JASPER: *pouches out bottom lip* Pleeeeeasssse? I love you.
EMMETT: Alright. Gimmie your suitcase.
JASPER: Yay! I win.
Emmett takes Jasper's suitcase in his other hand. They start to walk ahead. Emmett notices Jasper lagging and looking perplexed.
EMMETT: What now?
JASPER: I want to hold your hand.
EMMETT: Really? That's sweet. But my hands are kinda full.
JASPER: *looks thoughtful* Okay, fine. I'll carry my bag. *he takes his bag and entwines Emmett's free hand in his* See the sacrifices I make for you?
EMMETT: *laughs* I am the luckiest man alive.
JASPER: You sure are! And so am I! We have so much in common!
EMMETT: *snorts* You're nuts you know that?
JASPER: Yes. *gives Emmett a peck on the cheek* We are so breaking in the hotel room bed when we get there.
EMMETT: *broad smile spreads across his face* Heh.
The get to the hotel, The Holiday Inn, and Carlisle checks in and gets their keys.
JASPER: I can't wait till we get to the room! *he smirks at Emmett giving him a knowing look*
EMMETT: *feeling the look, blushes* Stop that! Yes you can!
CARLISLE: Ok, Esme, here's our key, girls, here's yours and boys, for you.
ROSALIE: Why are we getting a communal key? Oh my god ...
CARLISLE: This is a family trip, I want the family to spend time together.
ESME: Who are you and where's my husband?
CARLISLE: The girls will be sharing a room as will the boys.
EDWARD: *deadpan* WHAT. No. Absolutely not.
BELLA: Calm down honey, it'll be fine.
EDWARD: Oh yeah, easy for you to say. You get to room with Alice and Rose. I get stuck with Dumb, Dumber and Doggie. Yay me.
EMMETT: All for killing him in his sleep raise your hands.
Jasper, Jacob and Emmett all raise their hands. Also very subtly, so does Bella.
JASPER: Remember Jake, no pets on the furniture. You get the floor at the end of the bed. I'll lay out a blanket if you're good. Did you make peepee before we came in?
Wouldn't want you to mess the elevator. Some dogs gets nervous in elevators. Like Chihuahuas!
JACOB: I'm going to maul you in your sleep.
JASPER: *swats Jacob on the nose* Bad dog!
ESME: OKAY. All of you to you rooms and please try not to kill each other.
Everyone grumbles as they walk off to their respective rooms.
In the boys room…
JASPER: So, does this mean we can't have sexy times?
EDWARD: NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. If I even catch you breathing on each other, I'll rip you both apart and burn the pieces!
EMMETT: *pinches between eyes* We ... don't ...BREATHE.
JASPER: So we can have sexy times?
EDWARD: NO. You're with me, right, Jacob? I can't believe I said that.
JACOB: Well, there's three beds here. Two in front of us and one separate one behind this door. *he points to door on opposite side of the room* So ... see ya!
Jacob runs to the door and darts in locking it, laughing like a mad man. As are Emmett and Jasper. Edward is fuming.
In the girls room…
BELLA: Wow. *puts her things on a bed* This is lovely.
ROSALIE: So, it' s fact that one of the boys isn't going to make it to morning. Any bets on who? Alice? Who dies tonight?
ALICE: I kinda promised Emmett that I wouldn't look in on him and Jasper anymore.
ROSALIE: Oh for god's sakes. I'm not asking for you to look in on their sex lives, I'm asking for you to look in on their expiration date.
ALICE: No one will die. Edward won't hurt them. If he did, mom would be upset and god knows he would never do anything to upset mom.
ROSALIE: Right. Momma's boy. Bella, how do you deal with a boyfriend who has an Oedipus complex… of sorts?
BELLA: Honestly, I try not to think about it.
ALICE: Hee! We should call him Eddiepuss!
BELLA: *falls on the bed laughing*
ROSALIE: *laughing* Oh that's rich! I love it! Jasper will be so mad he didn't think of it first!
After the girls finish their laughing fit, Alice comes up with a brilliant idea.
ALICE: We should play a game!
BELLA: Sure.
ROSALIE: Like?
ALICE: *goes into her bag and pulls out a pink tin* Sex and the City! I get to be Carrie! Oooh, she has such beautiful shoes!
ROSALIE: It's sad that your shoe spending habits are comparable to a fictional character. You are the only one I know that would drop $600 on a solitary pair of shoes.
Well, you and Emmett. He'd drop insane amounts of cash on something ridiculous for Jasper I'm sure.
BELLA: How ridiculous?
ROSALIE: If Jasper wanted, say, an endangered species, Emmett would find a way to do it.
BELLA: You can't legally do that. Can you?
ROSALIE: No, of course not. But Emmett would somehow.
BELLA: Wow. That's ... insane.
ROSALIE: So is this my family. Welcome.
BELLA: Thanks ... I think?
ALICE: No substitutions, exchanges or refunds!
BELLA: *weakly* Yay.
All three girls burst into giggles.
In Esme and Carlisle's room…
ESME: Oh, this is nice, dear. This was a wonderful idea, thank you.
CARLISLE: You're welcome honey. *kisses her* I have been known to have my moments. *he pulls out the laptop and plugs it in.*
ESME: *defeated, she sighs* Though few and far between…
That night in the hotel, Emmett, Jasper and Jacob (wait, what?) are skulking around the place. Edward is in the room, enjoying peace and quiet and cross-stitch.
JACOB: So, what are we looking for?
JASPER: The POOL!
EMMETT: *clamps a hand over Jasper's mouth* Shh! Not so loud!
JASPER: *muffled* Smoorry.
JACOB: We're going swimming?
EMMETT: Yes…
JASPER: Skinny dipping!
JACOB: Uh ... SWEET. Man, this is so cool.
EMMETT: Wow, you're pretty cool Jake. Getting involved in our shenanigans. Rosalie is going to have your ass, by the way.
JACOB: Aw man!
JASPER: It's ok though. This will be your first offence. You'll get off with a warning.
JACOB: Well, ok. I can live with that.
EMMETT: After that you'll just get the warning. There will be no more getting off.
JACOB: You're exaggerating.
EMMETT: Maybe. But you have been warned.
JASPER: THE POOL!
EMMETT: Quiet!
The boys sneak into the pool area. Jasper is already shedding clothes.
JASPER: You coming, Emmett?
EMMETT: *watching Jasper strip* Um… *shifts uncomfortably, clears throat* …yeah.
JASPER: *smirks* I bet you are. You going to swim with us Jake? Tell me, when you swim, do you use the do-
JACOB: If the next words out of your mouth are 'dog paddle', I don't care how long it takes, I will drown you in this pool.
EMMETT: Do you have forever?
JACOB: Fine. I'll tie you naked to a chair and leave you to be found by an unsuspecting mother and her innocent children.
EMMETT: That's not a threat to him, that's more like a fun game.
JACOB: Well then ... just ... bite me.
JASPER: Will you taste like Alpo or Pedigree? Or maybe Kibbles 'N' Bits!
JACOB: I'm going to kick you in the kibbles 'n' bits.
JASPER: *now standing in his full birthday suit* Good luck! My skin is granite!
JACOB: *mouth hanging. Turns away* That is soooooo much more of you then I ever wanted to see!
EMMETT: At least you can cross him off the list.
JACOB: What list?
EMMETT: The list of people you've seen naked.
JACOB: He was never on my list! No guy was on my list! Bella was on my list. Rose is totally on my list. But not him. Or you. No offence.
EMMETT: *laughs* None taken. So are we joining him? *gestures to Jasper already swimming around*
JACOB: *looks uncomfortable for a moment* Oh why not, you only live once.
EMMETT: Awesome!
Later, like 2am later, the wayward boys return to the room.
EMMETT: *whispering* Shh. We don't want to wake Edward.
EDWARD: Too late. Where have you three been, and why do you smell like a pool?
EMMETT: Think, Edward.
EDWARD: Oh. I see. You're all lucky you didn't get caught.
JASPER: Oh yeah! It would have been something to be caught naked in a public pool!
EDWARD: You were… wait, look who I'm talking to.
JACOB: Hey!
EDWARD: You joined in on it? It's your funeral if Rosalie finds out.
JASPER: She'll only know if you open your big toe. Footy.
EDWARD: At any rate, go to bed. We have to leave early for this park. And NO funny business. *shudders* Vile.
The boys all turn in for the night.
The next morning they all get ready and head out for a day of fun and frolic. The weather is warm and overcast, perfect for sparkly vampires. They all take rental cars to the park and arrive at the gate. They are all waiting in the excessively loooonnnnngggggg line. 25 minutes pass. And then it happens.
ROSALIE: What the- *is cut off by a young woman with a baby stroller. The woman cuts ahead* She did not just cut. How long have we been in the god forsaken line and she cuts!!!!
ALICE: Oh dear ...
JACOB: What?
EMMETT: Rosalie ...
JASPER: ...Is about to get her bitch on.
JACOB: This isn't going to be pretty is it?
EMMETT: In a word? No.
ROSALIE: HEY. You can't just cut like that!
GIRL: Excuse me? Who the fuck are you?
ROSALIE: You can't just cut.
GIRL: *scoffs* Yeah. These are my friends.
ROSALIE: Read the sign. Get at the back. You didn't come with them, so back of the line.
GIRL: You want to fucking mess with me, bitch?
ROSALIE: Oh I'M the bitch?
GIRL: You don't want to fucking mess with me! I'm crazy! I'll fuck you up, you bleach blond whore!
ROSALIE: *seething* If I'm a whore then why are YOU the one with a baby?
GIRL: So just because I have a baby, it makes me a whore?
ROSALIE: Is he the father? *points to guy holding the stroller handle*
GIRL: *puts hand on hip* No. He's my brother.
ROSALIE: *smirks* Case and point.
GIRL: FUCK YOU. What about that one? *points to Bella, who is just gaping at the whole scenario* She's the size of a blimp! Knocked up teenage slut!
ROSALIE: You talk like that in front of your child? What kind of a mother are you? And the father is right beside her. They're getting married.
GIRL: She's still a slut. And I can still kick your ass! I'll make my brother hold my baby and I'll beat you down, bitch! Seriously, you don't want to screw with me! I told you, I'm crazy!
ROSALIE: *muttering* Way to mention your mental instabilities in a public crowd…
JASPER: *to Emmett* I bet that girl is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.
EMMETT: *snickers*
GIRL: Eww. I can't believe they let people like you in here.
EMMETT: Excuse me?
GIRL: Queers are nasty.
JASPER: I'd eat her ... but I don't know where she's been. *makes disgusted face*
ROSALIE: OH THAT'S IT. You are so gone bitch.
Rosalie goes over to a security officer and reports the vile girl. She is escorted off the premises kicking and screaming. Rosalie stands there, arms crossed, looking quite smug.
JASPER: That girl just got pwned.
EMMETT: Out-bitched by Rose. She didn't stand a chance.
JACOB: That was so hot!
EMMETT: Um…
JASPER: Black's a freak.
They finally get to the entrance. They hand their tickets in and get their hands stamped. Beware, Canada's Wonderland…The Cullens are here.
*
So there it is! The latest instalment of Twilulz. Hope you enjoyed it! Please comment, or Jasper will witness the rapture for realz! And we don't need that, the poor kid's crazy enough already.