Disclaimer: I'm not saying that I own the Legend of Zelda, 'cause I don't. The only Zelda related merchandise I own would be:- Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask, Link's Awakening and Oracle of Ages. That's about it.
Educating Link
A.N. OK, This is set after Zelda sent Link back and before Majora's Mask when Link's getting used to his newfound freedom and being a Hylian. I have to admit, this about one of the most obscure story ideas I've ever come up with and I'll leave it at one chapter
"Link, little brother, we need to have a chat." Darunia said, taking the boy by surprise one afternoon as he was fuelling his new found addiction for candy.
Link looked up at him, his cheeks full of chocolate covered caramels.
"Shure, wot oo you want to tork about?" He asked with his mouth full.
Darunia grinned.
"Well lad, I'm not the only one who needs a word."
Confused beyond belief, Link followed the Goron to Goron City where he was met by Nabooru and Impa.
"OK, what's going on?" The very confused Hero of Time asked, searching the pockets of his tunic for more chocolate and finding none.
"Sit down sweetie." Impa said kindly, gesturing at a large boulder.
Obediently, the boy perched himself on the rock, looking the picture of innocence.
"Now kid, we've come to a decision involving you." Nabooru said, leaning against the wall and smirking. "You're a big boy now and as the adults who are kinda responsible for ya we figured it's time to teach you about the birds and the bees."
"Ohhh." Link said, sounding relieved. "You don't need to worry about that. Saria already taught me everything about that."
The three adult Sages looked completely shocked.
"How much did she teach you?" Darunia asked.
Link kicked his heels against the rock.
"Well, bees are really small little insects that have striped bodies and make honey and birds are..."
"Oh no no no Link, not those birds and bees!" Impa laughed.
Link looked crestfallen.
"Well what other types of birds and bees are there?" He asked, frowing in confusion.
Nabooru laughed and sat next to him.
"The best type." She said with a smile. "Now Link, you know when you have to use the little boys room and you take out your..."
"I think I'll handle this." Impa said sagely, shooting Nabooru an evil look. "Link, you know the differences between a boy and a girl don't you?"
Link nodded.
"Yes. Boys pee standing up and girls squat."
Impa paled while Darunia and Nabooru fell about the place with laughter.
"I suppose that's right." Impa began again, once she'd regained her composure. "But do you know the other differences."
Link scratched his head.
"When I was big," He began "My voice got deeper and Malon and Ruto and Zelda's stayed high."
"Yes, good!" Impa praised. "What else did you notice?"
Link's forehead crumpled as he thought long and hard.
"Well, they were bigger..."
"She means, what did they have that you didn't or the other way round?" Darunia said, smirking.
"Two big bumps on their fronts." Link said confidently. "And I didn't."
"Right. You know what those are called don't you?"
"Bumps?" Link offered.
Nabooru smacked her hand to her forehead.
"This is why I never had children." She muttered. "Link, these are called breasts."
She pointed at her front.
"And they are there for women to feed babies with." Impa said, meaning to use that statement to close the discussion.
"Not to mention to draw attention to their owners." Darunia chuckled, getting glares from the female Sages.
Link stared at them bleakly.
"Why don't boys have them?"
"'Cause boys don't have babies." Nabooru said, dismissing the question.
"Well what do we do?" Link asked, taking off his hat and scratching his head. "I know that Hylians need a mother and a father, and I know that a mother's a girl and a father's a boy."
"That's right." Impa agreed.
"But Nabooru just said that boys didn't have babies." Link argued.
"The boys help make the baby." Impa said gently.
"How?"
"This is my department." Nabooru said, pushing Impa out of the way.
"It is not." Impa said. "I have had much more experience telling young people about this sort of thing."
"Yes Im-pa, but I've had much more experience than you period."
"That's nothing to be proud of."
"Are you calling me what I think you're calling me?"
While the two female Sages argued, Darunia put his hand on Link's shoulder.
"Now Link, you know when you need to answer a call of nature."
"What does this have to do with making babies. Do you make babies by peeing?"
Darunia laughed.
"No, but you have to use the same tool."
"Tool?"
"Your masculinity lad. Girls don't have that."
Link looked shocked.
"They don't? But how do they pee?!"
"That doesn't matter." Nabooru interrupted. "They have their ways. We're talking about making babies."
Link frowned and rubbed his nose.
"What does making babies have to do with my..."
"Everything." Nabooru, Darunia and Impa said simultaneously.
"Oh." Link replied.
"A baby is a very wonderful gift." Impa began, using well rehearsed lines and crouching so that she was Link's eye level. "The Gods only give babies to a man and a woman who are married and very much in love and are both very good people."
"Pshaw." Nabooru scoffed.
"Anyhow, a baby is made when a father gives a mother a present."
"What kind of present?" Link asked skeptically.
"A couple of thousand tadpoles, out of which at least half are lazy and quarter are lousy at asking directions or confused and end up getting lost, and out of the few that are sensible only one of them is perfect." Nabooru said.
Darunia snorted in laughter and got an icy look from Impa.
"Tadpoles?" Link asked. "Frog tadpoles? What does a girl want with tadpoles?"
"Um, no." Nabooru said.
"They're special tadpoles. Magic tadpoles. Inside a mother's body there's a special tunnel, and in the tunnel there's an egg."
"An egg." Link said skeptically.
"Yes, an egg. And the magic tadpoles swim around in the tunnel..."
"You never said there was water in the tunnel." Link said, looking irritated.
Nabooru looked at Darunia and smirked.
"Like Impa said kid, they're magic tadpoles." Nabooru scoffed. "They don't need water."
"Well OK..." Link said doubtfully. "But how do the tadpoles get into the tunnel?"
Impa paled.
"Erm, the tadpoles get into the tunnel by..."
"Swimming out of the man's masculinity." Darunia said.
"Thank you Darunia." Impa said testily. "This is not going the way I planned it."
"How did the tadpoles get into the 'masculinity'?" Link pondered.
Impa, Nabooru and Darunia looked at each other nervously. This was going to be a very long afternoon.
******
"So Link, where were you this afternoon?" Zelda asked, flicking acorns at the helmets of the passing guards. "I was looking for you all over."
Link smirked and lobbed an acorn down to the ground in such a position that the guard would slip and fall.
"I got kidnapped by Impa, Nabooru and Darunia who said they had stuff to talk to me about."
"What kind of stuff?"
Link laughed.
"'The birds and the bees'."
Zelda rolled her eyes.
"Gods how embarrassing."
"Tell me about it. I mean, how stupid do they think I am? Rauru told me all about it when I woke up."
The End