House—carrying his blue backpack and dressed in his usual wrinkled blue button-down shirt, a gray graphic tee that says "Trust me I'm a doctor," dark wool blazer, and dark blue jeans—walks into the lobby of Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital humming an indistinguishable melody to himself. He pauses at the receptionist's desk, scanning the room for Cuddy, when he notices that multiple people (men and women, nurses and doctors, even medical students) are pretending not to be looking at him with incredulousness in their eyes. He notices some are giggling, and his face darkens with annoyance and curiosity.
HOUSE
[Almost shouting.]
For crying out loud, people, I know it's April 1st. Who pranked me?
Some people shake their heads. Others snicker and laugh. House squints and walks toward the elevator. After pressing the "up" button, Wilson, dressed impeccably in pressed brown slacks, a pressed white shirt, and a green Brooks Brothers tie, joins him.
HOUSE
You don't, by any chance, have something to do with the idiocy pervading this lobby, do you?
WILSON
Good morning, House.
HOUSE
[Giving Wilson a nod.]
Everyone is grinning.
WILSON
It's springtime. Love is in the air. Maybe someone added Prozac to the drinking water. Although if someone did spike Princeton's water supply with an anti-depressant, you should be smiling too … unless your misanthropy is so deep-rooted…
HOUSE
[In a snarky tone.]
Uh, yeah, my hatred for humanity must be proof that you're right about Prozac in the water. You're not grinning, so YOU must be behind the idiocy.
The elevator doors open, and more people give House a bewildered smile as they exit the elevator. Both men enter, and the doors shut.
WILSON
Okay, I see what you mean about everyone. This is interesting, very interesting.
HOUSE
Oh stop it, Wilson. I know you're behind this. It's April Fools, and you're the only fool who thinks he can get away with pranking me somehow.
WILSON
House, I am not behind anything, but you're clearly agitated, so this means you have absolutely no clue what's going on. If there is a prank, you don't even know what it is. Huh. Interesting …
The elevator doors open, and House walks away from Wilson as quickly as he can. Wilson pauses just outside the elevator and shouts after House.
WILSON
Why don't you prank me today and actually buy ME lunch? That would be a good one!
House enters the fellows' office area and sees the fellows eating donuts and drinking coffee. Foreman is doing a crossword nonchalantly. Thirteen quickly stops playing footsies with Foreman and pretends to be reading a medical journal. Taub is sorting through the mail, and Kutner is at the fellows' computer.
KUTNER
Hey, thanks for accepting my friend request, House. I'm glad you finally joined facebook.
House looks at Kutner as if he has just grown a third arm out of his forehead. He waves his arms in disbelief and annoyance. He then continues to stare at Kutner.
THIRTEEN
I told you it's a fake account.
KUTNER
[Grinning and ignoring Thirteen.]
I never took you for a facebook kind of guy, but I guess it's so common these days you can't NOT be on it. I bet I'll find you on Twitter in no time.
TAUB
[Sighs.]
Give it up. He doesn't have an account. It must be a fake. People make up fake accounts for celebrities all the time. Who is to stop an upstart medical student or a really bored, disgruntled nurse from making one to mock him?
HOUSE
[To Taub.]
Your job is still on the line, but thanks for implying that I'm a celebrity. I did have a hot date with Halle Barry last night, and the paparazzi …
FOREMAN
I didn't know you fantasized about black women. I thought you were a huge bigot. Either I was wrong, or you have changed for the better.
HOUSE
[Sneering at Foreman.]
You were wrong.
[Looking at Thirteen.]
Once you go black, you can't go back.
Thirteen and Foreman both roll their eyes. House puts down his bookbag.
KUTNER
If it's fake, then why is Cuddy also his friend on facebook?
House narrows his eyes and walks toward the computer.
HOUSE
Let me see that.
Perusing the screen, House sees Cuddy's profile and inspects her photo, in which she is wearing one of his favorite black low-cut tops. He also sees that "Gregory House" has written many characteristically snarky comments on her wall, beginning the previous day. He then sees that her relationship status is "It's complicated with Gregory House." His mouth drops, and he inhales sharply.
HOUSE
I am glad to see that this hospital pays Cuddy good money to whore herself out on a juvenile cyber-network. How many of you are idiotic enough like Kutner to be on this thing?
FOREMAN
Not me. It's a waste of time.
TAUB
[Looking at Foreman.]
It's not like you would have anyone to be your friend on there.
FOREMAN
[In a sarcastic, monotone voice.]
Ouch. That hurts.
THIRTEEN
I don't feel a need to interact superficially with people from my past.
HOUSE
That's right, you're too busy having deep interactions with chicks you pick up at bars. I assume you're on the prowl for new sex kittens now that you and Foreman are pretending not to be together?
Thirteen glares at House and then pretends to read something else.
TAUB
I'm not on it either. It's silly.
KUTNER
I think it's fun. Look, House, you even have a fan club on here. It's a group called "I want to touch Dr. House's 'cane.'"
FOREMAN
Who the hell would be in that club?
KUTNER
Apparently 52 people.
THIRTEEN
52 horny and deranged female medical students with a stupid schoolgirl crush?
HOUSE
They should all know that my walking cane is named "Little, Little Greg." Is Cameron in the club?
KUTNER
No.
HOUSE
That's too bad. How long has "my" account been open?
KUTNER
It looks like you signed up yesterday. That's when all this activity started.
HOUSE
What about Cuddy?
KUTNER
Looks like she's been on here longer. Sometimes employers look through facebook to keep tabs on their employees and make sure they're not saying anything bad or doing anything stupid. A friend of a friend got fired because …
House turns around and leaves the fellows' office. The ducklings look at each other confused but then carry on as they were.
House flings open the doors to Cuddy's office. He takes a brief moment, while walking up to her desk, to admire her tight green tank top that offers a peek at her cleavage. Cuddy looks up from her paperwork, annoyed, and places her hands together on her desk.
CUDDY
I'm busy. You don't have a case, so make this quick.
HOUSE
Want me to draw the blinds? I promise I'll finish in under three minutes.
CUDDY
[Rolling her eyes.]
House, I'm very busy right now with budget projections for the upcoming academic year, so if you just came here to bother me, stop … and go to clinic. You still owe me 10 hours from this past week.
HOUSE
You're not busy with budgets … you're too busy cruising facebook for Boy Scouts.
CUDDY
House, I'm not on facebook. Given your stalker-esque tendencies, I thought you would know that. Now go to clinic.
Cuddy looks back down at the papers on her desk and starts writing again.
HOUSE
[Taking a seat across from Cuddy.]
Interesting. So you're not cyber-spying on your employees, and you didn't declare to the online community that we're in some sort of complicated relationship.
CUDDY
[Cuddy looks up from her paperwork with narrowed eyes.]
What are you talking about?
HOUSE
Your account must be fake too.
CUDDY
What account?
HOUSE
Did you notice people acting strangely towards you this morning?
CUDDY
I get weird looks and snickers everyday, thanks to the lies and rumors you constantly spread about me. House, what's going on?
HOUSE
I may … or may not … have spread the rumors about you being a man only so that no one else would be trying to access your vagina.
CUDDY
[Mustering all the sarcasm she could.]
How sweet of you. What the hell is going on?
HOUSE
It appears that someone or some people have pranked us today. We both have fake accounts on facebook saying we're pseudo-together.
CUDDY
What?!?
HOUSE
If you let me off from clinic duty, I will launch a full investigation to get to the bottom of this … unless you want everyone here to think that we're sleeping together …
CUDDY
Again, thanks to you, everyone seems to think so anyway. Ergo, your investigation wouldn't change anything. Now go to clinic.
Cuddy looks down at her desk and tries again to begin her paperwork.
HOUSE
[Leaning forward and shaking a finger at Cuddy.]
You may not have pulled off this stunt, but you're glad it happened. That's why you won't give me time to find the culprit. You WANT everyone to think we're together!
[Cuddy rolls her eyes and then glares at House.]
If everyone thinks we're together, the 52 members of my facebook fan club will think that I'm spoken for … and wouldn't even try to touch my metaphorical cane out of fear that you, the devil, would …
CUDDY
House! I will deal with this matter, which is why I don't need you to do so. Clinic. NOW.
HOUSE
[Standing up and leaning over the desk.]
Just admit your undying love for me, and I'll go.
CUDDY
[In a calm, seductive tone.]
If you don't go now, you won't have a metaphorical cane anymore.
House gives Cuddy a look of feigned hurt and smirks as he turns to leave. He walks out of the Cuddy's office pleased with their interaction and more determined not to go to clinic. Cuddy dials her assistant on her speakerphone.
CUDDY
I need you to log on to facebook.
Thanks for reading. Will update soon. Constructive feedback always welcome.