I was totally sober when I wrote this. I swear.

"My name is Edward Cullen, do I dazzle you?"

"Oh yessssssss" Orochimaru hissed " You do, you do. Much more than Sasuke ever did." Orochimaru ran his tongue over Edward's body enjoying the reaction he got.

More sparkles.

"Oh! Orochimaru, i've never felt anything like this!" Exclaimed Edward

"Ohohoho! That's becuase my tantalizing tongue is one of a kind my dear Edward. It's skill is unmatched!"Orochimaru cooed

The boy may currently be a 118 year old virgin, but it wouldn't be so when Orochimaru finished with him.

"Oro~ I want you to ride meeeee" Whined Edward. Orochimaru scoffed at the request. "This Orochimaru does not ride. He gets riden."

Edward's expression became that of something akin to sadness and constipation. "But, but, I want to be the pony!"

Orochimaru growled "If you wish to be the pony, then talk to Kabuto. Though I doubt you'd be a pony. He likes Ostriches."

"O-ostriches?" Edward shivered

"Yes, Eddy-poo. And you know what they do with their heads..." Orochimaru chuckled

"Oh God! Nevermind! I'm sorry Oro-Sama! Please forgive me!"

"Oh Edward. I'll forgive you. I'll forgive you....with my dick!"

And so Edward rode Orochimaru off into the sunset and got pregnant.

But,Orochimaru didn't want kids, so he left Edward high and dry and is currently avoiding paying child support.