I Welcome the Flame SG Style

This is another one of my rants about something that people love: Stargate. Both shows have angered me, so here's some payback to it, even though I love Richard Dean Anderson (a.k.a. Jack O'Neill), Michael Shanks (a.k.a. Daniel Jackson), and Christopher Judge (a.k.a. Teal'c), but I just have to ditch on the show, and that skank Amanda Tapping (a.k.a. Samantha Carter) for just a few hundred words. Enjoy, and send in the flames, even though most of this is just stating the facts.

The Directors: You did some good episodes, but who told you to focus on the couples? You had me mad for no apparent reason just because I THOUGHT something was going on. Who do you think you are? Quit angering the fans or they'll leave you. Oh wait, they already did.

Amanda Tapping: Get the fuck away from my man (Richard Dean Anderson) or I'll rip off your wig and kick your ass. You weigh like what, ten pounds? I can just stomp you and do some damage to your already hideous face. And put down the damn gun. Everyone knows you can't do a damn thing ('Oh, I got a blister!' WHO CARES!!!), so go the fuck away.

The Directors: Okay, Atlantis here's a little bit for you. You expect me to believe that the Wraith are evil? Look at the finale. They saved my baby Ronon Dex (Jason Momoa) from death, and I love them for that. Besides, the Wraith are hot, despite what you've done to them. Quit dumping all your shit on them and move on with your life.

Amanda Tapping: So, you're like the Wicked Witch of the West, aye? Or perhaps King Midas? Every show you've been in has been canceled now, and if I recall, it was on the seasons that were divisible by five. Not only are you a bitch, you're a witch too. I hope your little show burns in just one season, and I hope you never get another job again.

The Directors: Peter DeLuise, I like you. You're quite hilarious and I love your commentaries (only on DVD), but I don't want to see your ass. Sorry, but no. You're old. I prefer Richard's ass. It's like wine and has only gotten better with time. I will not thank you for giving yourself an ass view, but thank you for giving Richard one in "Orpheus" (Season Seven, Volume One, Episode Four). He needs one since MacGyver fell off the air (only on DVD unless you have it recorded or can make enough money to buy the DVD's. All seasons are out now. Oh, and if you get the Sleuth Network, watch at 4 a.m. [Eastern Standard Time] for yesterday's episode [Tuesday through Saturday], or at 7 a.m. [Eastern Standard Time] for today's episode [Monday through Friday]). Besides, he's still got it, even though he left Stargate after Season Eight.

Rant on the 200th Episode: I watched an hour of that shit just to see 1 MINUTE of Richard. They act like it's some big fucking deal. 'We've got Richard coming back for the episode, and we're doing the best-ever knock-off of The Wizard of Oz.' BULL SHIT! The best Wizard of Oz knock-off was when Richard said 'We're off to see the Wizard,' then he skipped in place. THAT was the best ever, not seeing the men of Season Nine's SG1 dressed up as the characters (even though that was kind of funny, but not the best ever). I could do much better than this horrendous episode. I think this was what drug the show down with it. You have to remember that it was canceled within a year and ended within two. Coincidence? I think not.

Praise for Richard's guest appearance in Atlantis on the same night as the 200th SG1 episode: Richard, great job, sexy man. That uniform looks AMAZING on you. Okay, maybe I will rant here. Why did they wait until Richard said 'I'm slowing down' to give him the good uniform? The green looks worse than baby vomit, yet here is Richard having to wear that shit for eight seasons, and the rest for ten. Why? Who decided on that? I thought that the Air Force provided them with great things, so what about better-looking uniforms? Anyway, Richard, I miss seeing you on television and I LOVE you.

Rant on the Stargate Movies: Killing my man Richard within the first thirty minutes is a SIN, but they made up for it by killing Tapping in the last thirty. Why does the new guy think he's funny? I thought he was the worst one up there, not counting Vala, who was kidnapped within the first ten minutes (thank GOD! I can't stand her. She beat up Michael and then they fell in love? What the fuck is she on anyway? If I was Michael's current or ex wife, I'd shoot to kill, but that's just me). And Bal? What kind of a name is that? You can tell just by looking that he doesn't even have a penis, let alone balls. And he killed my man, that dick head. Leave Jack O'Neill alone! And the plot for Continuum was kind of lame, if it was even there at all. Time is all fucked up. Whoa, it already is, guys. Better ideas, please, since this is your final farewell. I would've tried much harder, not made Michael lose a leg, keep Teal'c good like he really is, and I definitely would've had O'Neill kill Tapping, but my ideas apparently don't count. Arc of Truth…hmm, I can't remember that one. I watched it, don't get me wrong, but I only remember Continuum. I guess Vala was still acting like a horrible slut, right? And Richard was nonexistent, as usual, and the new guy tried to kick Richard's posters' ass, but they couldn't show that because Tapping was in the background masturbating (she has no taste, no offense, Richard, but she turned down a man with a Jeep who was willing to buy her childhood home for her. She obviously is in love with you. All I can say is 'bitch, get in line.'). I guess Arc of Truth was okay, but I don't know. Ugh, my brain hurts. I quit.

For all you Stargate fans, it's over. I hate it as much as you do, but blame the Scifi network. I say it's "The network for good shows gone canceled," and I think I'm right. Anyway, if you think I'm just a ranting bitch, send me a flame, but if you agree with what I said, tell me about it too.