One of my friends and I were discussing D. Gray-Man when my friend suddenly made a random statement about the Order having more than one Kanda. It got me thinking and so. You get this crack-fic.

Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray-Man or any of its characters, they are all property of Katsura Hoshino. Enough said.

Chapter 1 – Beginning of Disaster

The long haired samurai strode down the corridors of the Black Order, a frown upon his face. His coat was left open in front, exposing a heavily bandaged chest. A sword hung from his waist and he was muttering curses under his breath as he made for the supervisor's office.

"What the heck... I've already submitted my darn report, what else does that idiot want from me?"

Slamming the door open furiously, Kanda marched into Komui's office, with looks that could kill, literally. The said idiot looked up from a messy stack of papers and grinned happily as he came in.

"Kanda!" Komui squealed happily.

"Che. What is it now, baka... I barely had enough time to finish my breakfast and you had to call for me. If it's another damn mission I'll have you know that..."

Komui shook his head and held up his hand for silence. "No, no, you got it all wrong, Kanda. I'm not here to give you another mission or anything of that sort. I was just rather concerned about your injuries from the last mission."

"Che. None of your business. I can heal fine, unless you haven't realised."

"That's the point. You should never underestimate your remaining life force, Kanda-kun. So, I have come up with a solution!"

"... Any solution of yours never really solved any problems as far as I can remember..."

"But this is brilliant! With this new vitamin, I can speed up the recovery of exorcists by 120 percent! Or maybe more!"

Kanda turned to walk out. "That's it. I'm out of here. I have no time to spend listening to idiots promote their joke products."

Komui's eyes turned big and watery. "Aww, please, Kanda-kun~ Just try it, I'll bet you'll love it..."

"If it doesn't taste like soba or tea then no, I don't think I will."

"I'll send you on a mission with General Tiedoll if you don't."

The exorcist paused, his hand on the doorknob. Komui could practically see the thoughts running through his mind right now. The supervisor knew that Kanda hated the idea of going to look for his general.

Kanda's body was shaking from fury, and he weighed out his chances. Komui decided to add a thing or two to the list.

"Oh, if it'll make you feel better, I'll get Allen to follow you on the mission as well. I'm sure he gets along well with General Tiedoll."

That did it. Reluctantly, Kanda released the doorknob he had been gripping tightly and spun around to face Komui with glaring, angry eyes. Komui mentally jumped for joy. If he had been a lot smarter he would have read the look on Kanda's face that clearly said GO TO HELL. But noo... He was too happy thinking that Kanda was going to be his guinea pig, yay!

"Hand the fucking thing over, let me swallow it and then let me out." Mentally, Kanda made a note to try and accidently hurt the Chinese man real badly once he had the chance to with Mugen sometime later.

Komui watched excitedly, a crazy idiotic look on his face as he handed the vitamin to Kanda. Kanda took the bottle and shook it, listening to the liquid slopping inside. "Are you sure... This damn thing is safe?"

"Absolutely. You'll feel nothing at all. In fact, I think you'll feel so good you'll want more."

"Whatever. I take this, and then you'd better not dish out any crappy missions to me for about a week or so."

Frantic nods. Kanda frowned and glared at the bottle suspiciously. Then without another minute's hesitation, he downed the entire bottle in one gulp.

There was a pause. Komui looked anxiously into Kanda's face to see if there was any change. Kanda just stood there, as if waiting for some extra rabbit ears to sprout or a tail to grow.

The silence was a little too awkward. It suddenly hit Komui that something wasn't really right. But it was a little too late now, wasn't it?

"Geez, I'm tired... I think I'm headed for bed..."

"Bed, Lavi? It's 10 in the morning! What were you doing all night?"

The red head stifled a yawn. "I just came back from a late night mission with Yuu-chan. Now I'm tired and he's in a terrible mood so I suggest you stay out of his way for today."

Allen looked thoughtful. "I heard him cursing Komui just now. Did he get a new mission or something?"

"Think so. I pity Yuu-chan. The poor guy barely has time to flirt with the ladies."

Allen snorted. "Yeah, you're so lazy you always have time for women, eh?"

Lavi was about to retort when the halls boomed with Komui's voice through the speakers.

"This is an emergency! I need Allen Walker, Lavi and Lenalee in the office, right now! I repeat, this is an emergency! Come immediately!"

Silence rang in their ears as the announcement ended. Allen and Lavi looked at each other in utter confusion.

"Did he just call for us? He sounded rather worked up about something."

Lavi shrugged. "Dunno. Maybe he needs some help finding his favourite coffee cup or something. In any case, let's head up. And just when I wanted to get some sleep too..." He grumbled.

Allen moaned. "I wanted to eat some more... Think he'll have some cake up there?"

"Doubt that. Pictures of Lenalee, yes..."

The Chinese girl was headed to her brother's office too. She frowned upon thinking about what trouble he had gotten into. 'If he broke his favourite cup again I am so not getting a new one for him.'

She rounded a corner sharply and someone coming from the other side ran right into her. The person, who was a lot shorter than her, fell to the ground. The small figure looked like a child, with raven black hair.

Lenalee immediately apologised and tried to pick the small child up. The little "girl" started crying before she could do anything though.

Frantically, Lenalee tried to calm her down. "I'm sorry, are you hurt? Here, let me have a look at you."

At the same time, she was wondering how such a young child was doing in the Order's halls. The kid looked rather familiar though.

She pulled out a handkerchief and wiped the kid's face. And then her jaw dropped as she stared into the familiar dark eyes.

"My brother has some explaining to do..."

Komui was pacing frantically in his office. "Oh dear, oh dear... I'm doomed... This is not good, this is so not good!"

The door burst open the second time in the morning. Komui's eyes went all round and gleeful. His saviours had arrived. Allen and Lavi came in, Allen shouting a cheery "Good morning, Komui~"

They both stopped short, expecting some remnants of a broken project or maybe even some spilled coffee but nothing looked too amiss. The office looked rather normal, messy as usual but nonetheless normal. Lavi frowned at the supervisor.

"You called and said this was an emergency?"

Komui grinned sheepishly and nodded. "It is an emergency. A big one, in fact."

Allen moved over to the couch to sit down on it. "Then why call only us? I bet Ba-Kanda could have taken care of the job faster than we could."

Komui swallowed. "Well, there is a slight problem with that. You see..."

Allen tried sitting on the couch but leapt up yelping in shock. Someone else was lying on it, and there was something definitely wrong with that person, for on a normal day, Kanda would've leapt up and tried to slice him into pieces for trying to sit on him.

"Kanda? What's he doing here?"

"What?" Lavi yelped and crossed the room in two strides. He stared at the unconscious exorcist on the couch and then at Komui. "What the heck happened to him?"

Komui scratched his head. "He'll be fine, I hope. But there's a small matter I'd like you guys to deal with for me, please?"

Allen was going into a frenzy. "Oh-my-God-Kanda's-knocked-out-on-Komui's-couch-what-did-you-do-what-happened-what-happened-what-is-going-on?"

Lavi gasped in disbelief. "No. Way. Komui... You didn't... Rape him, did you?"

Allen made a startled cry and fell backwards, leaning against the wall. "No way! How? He's a guy!"

Komui nearly fainted. "No, I did NOT! I just... We were doing a little experiment and..."

"And you raped him! You... I thought you were twisted but this is too much! That's it, you're getting a beating!"

Komui wailed in exasperation. "I wouldn't touch him for the world! Please, let me explain!"

"No one touches Yuu-chan and gets away with it! If I don't kill you now, he will when he wakes up so get over here and let me save you from more misery!"

"No, please! Allen, do something!"

The boy shook his head stubbornly. "Lavi's right, Komui. Death by Lavi is way better than torture by Kanda. But how did you... Unless he's a girl in disguise!"

Lavi stopped hitting Komui for a moment and stared at Allen in disbelief. "Haven't you heard of yaoi? Yuu-chan's a guy through and through the last time I checked."

"So how did Komui manage to rape him?"

"For the last time, I did not rape him!"

"You're not fooling us!" Lavi pounced on him and started choking him.

The door was flung open for the third time that morning and this time it crashed to the floor, unable to take the torture anymore. Lenalee strode in with her eyes blazing, looks ready to kill. The three didn't really notice her, probably because one on trying to save himself, one was trying to strangle the former, and the third was backed up against the wall trying to get over the shock of nearly sitting on Kanda and learning that he was a girl.

She cleared her throat loudly and shouted. "BROTHER, EXPLAIN YOURSELF!"

The ruckus stopped and the trio glanced up. Komui immediately broke out into a squeal of joy.

"Lenalee! Thank God you're here! Please, tell your friends here that your brother didn't do anything to dear old Kanda!"

"Oh, so that's what they were beating you up for. And what do you mean you didn't do anything to Kanda? Something's happened and I know you're responsible for it!"

Komui positively whimpered. "Lenalee... I swear I'm innocent..."

Lenalee's glare silenced whatever protest he had left. Flushing, she reached behind her and pushed someone forward.

"Then tell me who this kid is."

All three jaws dropped and stared. And then a sudden realisation hit all of them like an electric shock.

"KANDA?"

What has happened to poor Kanda? This is just a warm-up, you'll find out what Komui really did to him. And no, Komui did not rape Kanda because that pairing is just... Wrong. Anyway, forgive the random crack, this is my first attempt at a parody/humour fic.

Credits to madkandayuu for giving me inspiration for this fic. But I still love the original Kanda, he's the best version of that moody, pissy samurai I could ever ask for. Heh, I do hope nothing's gonna happen to him, the latest manga chapter was rather worrying.

Read and review please, I want to know what you guys think of this and whether or not I should continue. Thanks for reading!