Author's Note: It's been a while since I've uploaded anything up here, and since I have been working, I decided to post this one up. My first time in the HP fandom, so characterization may be sloppy.
Warning: Rated T for mature jokes. Also, must understand American slang in order to get the joke.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter! Or slang, as a matter of fact.
Hope you guys enjoy~
It's a Muggle Thing
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The sun was sinking beneath the horizon when Harry and Ron got to the small convenience store around the corner of the street.
"Blimey, why can't 'Mione buy her own stuff?" Ron complained as they walked up to the store.
For some reason, Hermione's eraser had disappeared ever since they arrived in America. She thus claimed it was Ron who had misplaced it, though Ron was dead sure that Hermione had simply forgotten to pack it in her luggage.
Anyhow, the two were then forced to go buy an eraser for her.
Why were they in America though, you ask?
Well, after the battle with Voldermort – "It's You-Know-Who, Harry!" – the trio had gotten explicably famous. Many people all over the world wanted to meet the three who had defeated the Dark Lord. And on one particular occasion, a professor in America, whom Dumbledore was very good friends with, invited the trio over for a visit to his school and to collect a relic of the late Dumbledore.
And naturally, the trio had accepted.
"I don't really think they sell rubbers here, mate." Ron said to Harry as they entered the small and empty convenience store.
Harry shrugged. "At least we've got to try. Else Hermione won't be satisfied. Come on. We'll go back to the hotel if they don't have any rubbers."
Nodding, Ron turned to the sole shopkeeper and muttered, "Excuse me, miss, do you sell rubbers here?"
The shopkeeper looked unnaturally shocked, her eyes jumping from Ron to Harry and back again. Then slowly, like a boiling cauldron, she turned red and began to giggle.
Ron took a hasty step back and asked in panic, "Wh-what's the matter?"
"N-nothing, mister!" The young shopkeeper frantically shook her head and tried to stifle her laughter, though to no avail. "We certainly pack rubbers here!" She giggled again at the word rubber.
Ron's ears turned red as he struggled to see where the humor lay.
Harry stepped up beside him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "I believe she's laughing simply because it's rare for people to buy rubbers in a corner shop. Let's just get this over with." He said in a low voice next to Ron's ear.
The shopkeeper bit her lip at the sight, trying very hard to contain her giggles.
Ron gave her the evil eye, but shrugged at last. "A rubber then, please."
"Roger that, mister! But uh, which brand do you want?" She asked with obvious delight.
Ron raised his eyebrow and shared a confused glance with Harry. "Uh, there are brands for rubbers?"
The shopkeeper nodded enthusiastically. "Of course! Some like it ultra-thin; some like it with flavors!"
Harry looked a little mortified. "A flavored rubber…?"
She giggled again, opening the drawers beneath the counter and scattering a few boxes on the surface. "Yep! My, you two sure are new at this!"
She gave them a sultry wink. Ron drew back in shock.
The shopkeeper didn't notice. "But don't worry, we pack all kinds of 'em! Like, uh – let's see – there's the strawberry flavored ultra-thin, pear-flavored, rose-scented… Oh! I know! How about mint?" She held up an aquamarine-colored box with a mint leave printed on one of the corners.
Ron glanced at Harry, who lifted his shoulders in response.
He sighed. "I don't really like mint… but do you suppose 'Mione might?"
Harry leaned forward and shuffled some of the boxes around. "What about the rose-scented one? It looks rather safe."
The shopkeeper nodded keenly. "It's very safe! Trust me!"
Ron casted a suspicious glance at the overly eager shopkeeper, who was covering her mouth to stop her laughter.
"All right then," he said slowly. "The rose-scented one, please."
The shopkeeper removed her hand from her mouth, which was twitching quite rapidly, and placed the box in a bag. "That'll be $7.50, thank you very much."
After Ron handed over the money, the shopkeeper gave him the bag and grinned widely. "Have a nice day, misters!"
And then, both Ron and Harry heard her giggling to herself, "Oh dear gawd, wish I could see 'em in action. Man that's gonna be a lucky girl! Maybe they're gonna have an orgy! Mmm, how kinky!"
The two looked at each other.
"What did she mean? And why is our rubber called a condom?" Ron asked confoundedly.
Harry shook his head and shrugged. "I have no idea, Ron."
And then he paused.
"I suppose it's a muggle thing."
Ron gave a slow nod.
"Yeah, a muggle thing, eh? Muggles are rather strange, after all."
They started to walk back to their hotel.
"But Harry, what are we going to do with twelve rubbers?"
"I don't know, Ron. I suppose Hermione with know what to do with those."
"Uh, yeah. I suppose so."
And when Ron and Harry got back and handed Hermione her 'rubbers', she took a glance at the package and uncharacteristically guffawed.
"Tell me, Ron, Harry," said Hermione when she could finally control her laughter.
"Do you two plan to have hot and kinky sex together?"
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- Fin -
A/N: One of my friends told me they thought Harry would know, but I don't really think so. I mean, he couldn't have possibly heard it from Dudley, since Big D's English and everything. Hence he becomes a victim along with Ronny-boy.
The whole thing is actually just a big joke about the differences between American English and British English.
Either way, thanks for reading!
Jean V.