Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, so anything recognizable is SM's.

Hi, there! It's been awhile, I know. Sorry, guys, I was thinking too hard about this and then I got sidetracked with this other story I'm working on called The Girlfriend Experience.

Only a few more chapters until Seeing Red is over, I hope you all keep enjoying it and thanks for sticking with me through the crazy!

Hua Ming Miao this one's for you...

I don't know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every other part of my body is broken too.

~Missy Altijd

Chapter 19

Jacob POV

Anything.

Such a painful word that encompassed the good, the bad, the ugly and the completely shit-tastic.

When she kissed me back, I had it all planned out in my head. Screw the bloodsuckers, we were gonna run. By the time they arrived, Bella and I would be halfway to Mexico. I'd grab all the money I'd made from fixing shit around the rez and Bella and I would be outta there. Gone. Together. I was so lost in the possibilities of running with Bella that I was completely caught off guard when she ended the kiss and started crying.

Broken. That was the only way to describe it. My hopes were instantly shattered. She knew what I was offering and she wasn't even gonna think twice about it. She would rather be in a jar on that bloodsucker's shelf or in the ground than with me. The worst part was that I had honestly hoped that she had turned a corner, that she had stopped pining after that bastard…that I would be enough.

Damn, it hurt to be wrong, but it was much worse to see tears in her eyes. I had to stop the tears, even if it tore me apart.

"You and me, Bells, we're like the sun and a planet. We're drawn together with a gravitational pull. Edward…it's like he's knocked you out of orbit. The path you should be on – the path to me – it's like it disappeared. I still circle around you, but you've gone rogue."

"Funny, I didn't realize you were so into astronomy." Bella joked weakly, but I knew that the analogy of a lost planet was probably pretty accurate. When Edward had left, it had taken months to find her way back to some sort of sanity, a pattern in which her life made some sense, and I was a big part of that, if not the biggest part. Now that Edward was back, she was spinning out of control again.

"Jacob, you are one of the strongest people I know, but even you can't fight this off. Edward is it for me…even if I have to die for it."

"I won't let you die, Bella, even if you've completely lost your mind…I wish he had never come back. None of this would be happening if they'd all stayed the hell away from Forks."

"No, it seems that I'm a magnet for danger…and mythical beings. Even if Edward had never come into my life, and you weren't a wolf half the time, I'd probably have run into a leprechaun… or a witch…"

"…or a centaur…" I mumbled half-heartedly. I squeezed her to me, trying to hide just how much this situation hurt me, which I knew was written all over my face. It wasn't just Bella not choosing me; it was everything…the entirety of the bullshit that had been dumped into my formerly happy existence.

"…or Medusa…" Bella mumbled into my chest. I probably would have laughed if I wasn't already wrestling with the overwhelming urge to cry.

"I don't want to die," she continued softly, "but I would rather that than live a life with you where you don't receive all the love you deserve. I know you told me to let you worry about your own heart, but Jake…your heart is tied to mine. I can't allow it to break and not be breaking a part of my own."

"I can't watch you die…I just can't." I said, as I released her and took a step back. I wasn't angry so there really wasn't any danger that I would hurt her, but I was so sad. I just needed a moment of space.

"I have to admit, Jake. I would feel a little better if you were there in the woods watching…but I get it if you can't. Should I say goodbye now, then?" Bella asked, trying to make eye contact with me, but I avoided her gaze.

"I don't want a goodbye, Bella…I never want a goodbye from you."

"We don't have much choice anymore now do we? It's now or never…" She said as she took a timid step toward me, "I know I'm being selfish, but don't deny me this last goodbye, Jake…please…" she whispered. I wrapped her small body in my arms and she melted into me, sobs racking her body yet again.

"You were the best friend I could ever ask for, Jacob, and I hope you get everything you deserve in life. Only good, wonderful things…"

"I'll never be okay after this." I told her, no longer able to hold the pain back.

"I know. I'm sorry, Jake…I'm so sorry…"

"Please don't cry, Bella…Please…" I murmured into her hair.

We stood there for a moment in silence. The wind began to blow and I was just about to crack a joke about how handy I was when I smelled it.

"Goddamnit! Can I get a minute with you without some leech or another coming along?" I said, before I could stop myself. I looked down at Bella, and I just knew I would regret my words.

"Can you tell who it is?"

"Yeah…it's the fucking Grim Reaper." I muttered under my breath.

"What?"

"It's Edward, Bella. Scent's fading though… guess he didn't feel like sticking around, but what's new?"

"Jake… can you go get him please?"

"What?"

"If I don't die, then I need to make sure that it's okay if I live with him and his family…"

"Bella, I—"

"Bells?" Charlie's voice called from behind us.

"Out here, Dad."

"What are you doing out here in the middle of the night?"

"Just talking to Jake..."

"Well, get in the house. It's cold out and it's about time you went to bed for the night. You can see him in the morning."

"I thought I was grounded."

"You are, but I think Jake is good for you." He said, throwing a wink my way. I could tell he was trying to lighten the mood, but I couldn't muster more than a grimace in response.

She giggled half heartedly, but it came out like some sort of hiccup or cough, probably because she had been crying so much. "Alright, Dad, I'm coming." Then she turned to me and whispered, "Just have him come to my room…please?"

I couldn't say no. This was probably the last time I'd see her alive and that meant that this was like some sort of deathbed request. The current situation just made it ten million times harder to turn her down.

"Yeah, whatever…" I mumbled, then quickly turned and sprinted into the woods. I didn't phase, though I was really tempted to. I held it together 'cause I just wasn't ready for the rest of the pack to know about…everything. Plus, when I was in wolf form, I was primarily guided by my animal instincts, which would mean Edward's death about 5.5 seconds after I found him.

He wasn't hard to find. I'm sure he heard my thoughts as I thought that he should slow his happy ass down before I changed my fucking mind and tore him to pieces, but I didn't care.

About a mile from Bella's house, I found him standing still as a statue beside a tree.

"I didn't mean to intrude on your talk with Bella. I was informed of the turn of events and just needed to check on her…"

"I don't give a fuck." I growled, "The only reason I'm here is because Bella wants to speak to you."

"Thank you for coming to tell me. I can hear how much it hurts you."

"You're killing my very best friend—and the girl I happen to be in love with—in the morning. Forgive me if I can't find it within me to accept your sympathy."

"I know. This is entirely my fault. But I never meant for things to turn out this way…"

"That's the part that kills me. You can leave her and lie to her and endanger her life and she's still yours! And there's not a damn thing I can do about it. 'Cause trust me, if there was, I would do it in a heartbeat!"

"As would I."

I shook my head in disgust. "Go to her, you bastard. After tomorrow, no matter what happens, I never want to see you again. If I do, I can't be held responsible for my actions."

"You won't." He replied, and then ran past me without another word, back toward Bella's house. For a moment, I was wondered if his reply meant that I would never see him again after tomorrow or that if we ever crossed paths, he really wouldn't hold me responsible for what I did to him. Then I realized I didn't care either way.

I stood there for a few minutes, trying to relax as much as possible before I went back to the rez. Now that anger had bubbled to the surface, I didn't want to risk hurting someone there. It took about an hour before I felt the anger dissipate to a manageable level. I really wanted to go to Bella's house, even to just sit outside and make sure she was okay, but I knew that the leech was there and that would just make me angry all over again. I probably wouldn't be able to sleep, but headed home anyway. I had nowhere else to go.

***

Bella POV

"Dad?" I called, causing him to pause at the base of the steps.

"Yeah, Bells?"

"I love you." I murmured, quickly grasping him in an impromptu hug.

"I love you too, Bella. Is everything okay?" He asked, his chuckle of discomfort becoming gruff with concern. I released him, ending the rare display of affection as spontaneously as I had started it, and told him the first lie I could think of.

"Yeah…I just…I was watching this movie on Lifetime last night and it just made me want to make sure that you knew how much I loved you and how glad I am that I came to live with you last year." It was weak, but I couldn't just stand there…and I couldn't die without letting him know how much it meant to me to be in Forks with him…even if it was what led to the numbering of my days.

"I'm glad, too, Bells….I'm glad, too. Maybe you should stay away from the Lifetime channel for a while, though. It used to get your mother all riled up too."

"Yeah, maybe I will." I replied with a half hearted smile as I stared at my father's face, trying my best to memorize the creases at the corners of his eyes.

"Well, I have to go on to bed now. I'm working the early shift tomorrow, so I'll catch you afterward, alright? And don't you worry about dinner. I can handle that. How's pizza sound?"

"Sounds great, Dad… Thanks." I replied, my voice just above a whisper. He turned from me then and I followed him up the stairs. I stood in the doorway of my room and watched him enter his own and close the door behind him. I was unable to fight the tears, but at least I was able to do it quietly. After Charlie's door was firmly closed, I wandered into my room to decide my next order of business.

I couldn't call Renee. For one, it was too early in the morning in Florida. For two, Renee was entirely too perceptive. She'd be able to tell that something was wrong with me and, unlike Charlie, she'd pull it out of me. The only problem was I couldn't not say goodbye. She had raised me, and even if our relationship wasn't the norm, I loved her. I decided that my best bet was to send her an email, even though I had no idea what to write. I turned on my computer and let it boot up while I formulated a goodbye to my mother. By the time the email screen was up, I had a rough idea of what I wanted to say, so I let my fingers peck at the keyboard on autopilot.

Hey Mom,

I know Charlie probably already called you about the stuff at school today. I'm sorry if I disappointed you. I want you to know that I will never do anything like it again, even if I live forever. Also, I love you. You're a pretty great mom and you've always been there for me. Thanks for that. I appreciate it more than you know. I'm probably going to spend the day with Jacob tomorrow, so I'll talk to you later maybe?

Love,

Bella

Tears began to stream down my face as I pressed send, then quickly shut my computer down. I refused to over think it. I was never going to fall asleep at this rate. My mind kept bringing up the faces of all the people that I would be leaving behind. I was glad I'd had time to communicate with my parents one last time, but it also twisted the knife a little. My thoughts seemed to be chasing one another in figure eight patterns. I would think of Jake and my chest ached. In an attempt to escape the pain, I would quickly attempt to change focus, but the next thought was always of either Charlie or Renee, which did nothing to lessen the throbbing. I began to hear Romeo in my head. Eyes look your last…arms take your last embrace…

I tried to shake myself free of Romeo's melancholy filled words and made my way to the kitchen. I made a huge mug of hot chocolate with milk and frozen Cool Whip on top. It had always been able to relax me. Renee had made it many a night when I was a child. It was her not so secret weapon for getting me to sleep. It was delicious, but for the first time, it couldn't melt my ill content.

I finished and washed the mug, then took a deep breath and made my way up the stairs again. I tried my best to memorize the feel of the wooden banister under my fingertips and the sound of the steps as they bore my weight.

I opened my door and was only slightly surprised to find Edward in my rocking chair. I closed the bedroom door behind me and leaned against it, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath to summon my strength.

"I'm sorry to bother you, Edward," I began, pushing off my door and making my way to my bed with my eyes on the floor. "I know you probably want to be with your family right now, but I had to make sure…if they change me tomorrow, instead of…If I survive tomorrow and become one of you, would it be okay if I spent some time with your family? I'll stay out of your way and leave when I can take care of myself, I promise. I just don't think I could handle complete solitude right after…everything. I won't be able to come back home and…I just…please?"

I sat on the bed and held my breath as I waited for his response. I had a feeling he would say yes out of some misguided sense of duty, but I couldn't be sure.

"Yes, you can stay with us. We wouldn't let you go through this alone."

"Okay…thanks." And I suddenly felt empty. Silence settled in the space between us and my mind wandered to Jacob. My mind's eye recalled the devastation in his eyes when I sent him in search of Edward and the ache in my chest flared. I leaned over onto the bed and curled into a ball.

"When he came to get you –Jacob, I mean- could you read his mind?" I whispered.

"Yes." Edward's voice was cautious and for the first time since I walked into the room, I couldn't help but look at him.

"Does he hate me?"

Edward's face fell and I knew the answer. I held up my hand and spoke before he could.

"Wait, don't answer that. I know he does. I shattered him like you shattered me –maybe worse. I deserve his hatred."

I could tell immediately that Edward wanted to say something, but was warring with himself to keep it in. I hid my head under my pillow, but it did not block his voice when he finally spoke a moment later.

"Do you hate me, Bella?"

I refused to answer. I didn't hate him. I hated myself, and I hated the situation, but I could never hate Edward Cullen.

"He doesn't hate you, Bella. He loves you so much that there is no room for any other emotion…not for you anyway. He despises me –and rightly so. I've brought disaster on our heads and damned the woman he loves to death. If our positions were reversed, I can't say that I would be as selfless as he. I might have killed him by now or run away with you. He is worthy of your heart in a way that I will never be."

"He offered, you know…to run with me." I whispered into my sheets.

"Why didn't you go with him?"

"I…he deserved better. Besides, I couldn't leave your family to deal with the mess we made."

The stillness that followed made me anxious. I thought that maybe he had left, but was too nervous to check.

"Could you speak please? I can't take the silence..." I mumbled, turning my face to the down of my pillow, but keeping the feather barrier between us.

"What would you like me to talk about?"

"…anything but tomorrow." Again, silence as he contemplated his response.

"How about I read to you?"

"Fine…thank you." I mumbled as I rolled over, praying that he wouldn't read anything I was familiar with. I didn't want to be reminded of another thing I would lose tomorrow and if he choose one of my favorite books, then I wouldn't be able to ignore the fact that I would may never hear the classics I've loved for years ever again.

I heard him shuffle around then felt the bed dip as he sat beside me.

"Okay."

I turned my face away and was both relieved and saddened that his scent was obstructed by my pillow. Instead of Edward, all I could smell was my strawberry shampoo as he began reading.

"And the priestess spoke again and said:
'Speak to us of Reason and Passion.'
And he answered saying:
Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgment wage war against passion and your appetite.
Would that I could be the peacemaker in your soul, that I might turn the discord and the rivalry of your elements into oneness and melody.
But how shall I, unless you yourselves be also the peacemakers, nay, the lovers of all your elements?
Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.
If either your sails or our rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas…"

So that's chapter 19. Again, I hope you liked it. See you next time.

P.S. The playlist should be updated in the next few days.