Archways and Endings

A/N: Yes, yes, yes you are in the right place. I did in fact change my penname. And I like it a lot better now. Kelsey's Evolving just got old. And I figured it was time for me to turn a corner. So I did. What do you guys think of it? SingYourselfToSleep I love it!

Thanks for all of the support last chapter. You guys are so awesome. But as some of you may have noticed, I'm sort of lagging on the reviews. All I'm asking is that you read, you speak your piece at the end. It takes work to write the chapter. A lot less then it takes to review. (Not to say some of you don't put time and thought into them, because I know you do) Plus it keeps me happy. Which keeps me going. Which gets you better and more frequent updates. So it all works out for everyone. YAY!

Also: brand new one-shot: "Today It is Quiet" please check it out! I worked so hard on the piece. It took me months! And it's very long. Over thirty pages.

So do you remember when we talked about Brooke's affairs? Well now we uncover one of Lucas's. How interesting.

By now this story has been being written for a year now. My plan: by next year we will be done. Completed! When summer starts weekly or bi-weekly updates will be put in place. (I'm not exactly sure; it all depends on how the summer goes) Anything but these monthly updates because that's moving too slow and I'm loosing you guys! So starting July 1st you all will get more frequent updates. And that's not what I want at all. I'm hoping to put this at an end by Christmas. But that's not for sure. So go ahead enjoy yourself.

Lucas has….. (haha)

-Kelsey

Seventeen: She's On Your Mind

September 2, 2016

Tree Hill, North Carolina

Lucas

Do you remember when you were young and the whole world lay at your feet? When anything and everything you wanted was right there? Right in reach. And then, then it was gone. And all your fingertips seemed to grasp at was air. Thin and disappointing. A whole bunch of emptiness.

When I was younger my best friend Haley and I would make predictions of the coming year. They changed as we got older and there was one that I cannot forget I made, even if it can't be true, it can never happen, it won't happen.

Peyton Sawyer will become Peyton Scott.

Haley and I never talk about this; because we can't. I'm married to Brooke. Me and Brooke have a child together. This is what's supposed to be, now. And I have done my best to believe it's what's right. Brooke and I have something special, even if I've tainted it.

"Lucas," She moans into my ear, her body straddling my lap.

I move my hands up her thighs and she places a kiss on my shoulder blade.

"Lex,"

"Yeah, babe?" She throws her long dark curls over her shoulder.

"Paige is going to be getting home soon,"

And she frowns. We spent too much time making out like teenagers; we didn't get to the sex part.

"C'mere," I say and I hold her face against mine pressing our lips together.

She backs off my lap and adjusts her sundress. "Bye babe,"

Her name is Alexis. We met in AA. And although there's more to the story; there isn't.

She's a lonely girl.

And I'm just looking to loose myself.

In anything other than hard liquor.

I know on your daughter's first day of high school you should do a little more than hook-up with your "mistress".

Maybe like make French toast, take embarrassing pictures, and spend the whole day worrying.

And go to your job and say, "Today my daughter's starting high school."

I did not make French toast this morning or take embarrassing pictures. I didn't roll out of bed until 10.

I did not spend the whole day worrying. Paige, my beautiful, smart, intelligent daughter did not cross my mind until 3:00 when I knew she was coming home.

I am a horrible father, a horrible husband, a horrible excuse for a man. And I know that should be engraved on my headstone when I die.

I use to drink to forget.

Scratch that, those two beers I limit myself to every night. I use those to forget too.

I want to forget that my life use to mean more than it does now. I use have promise. I use to know exactly who I was.

When I look in mirror I don't know the person staring back at me. I do not know the point.

I know what I'm supposed to know. I'm supposed to love my wife and my daughter and do what's best for them, provide for them.

But I don't know how to do that anymore. I don't think I ever have.

And that's when I'd pick up a bottle. And drink till my body was about to burst from the retention of liquid.

Until her face came to my mind.

We celebrate Paige's first day of school with a family dinner. We have roast. Paige's favorite.

We sit at the table and eat quietly. Brooke asking questions about Paige's classes and her teachers here and there.

"I'm really glad you had such a nice day." I say finally, swallowing my meat.

"Thanks Daddy," She says smiling at me.

My daughter smiles at me; even though I have practically emotionally walked out on her, damaged her young naïve-ness in every way.

Brooke touches my hand. "It's a really good roast Luke,"

"Yeah, Dad the perfect end to a really good day." She pushes her empty plate in front of her. "Thank you,"

"No problem, sweet pea."

"Is it okay if I go to my room?"

Brooke nods. "Yeah, go ahead."

When Paige finally leaves the room she smiles at me. She's so happy. And I wish I could possess that kind of happiness.

"I want you to end it," Brooke says quietly.

I look at her like I have no idea what she's talking about.

"Alexis." She says.

"I want us to work, Lucas! I want us to be better!"

"I know you do Brooke,"

"Then why is it that I always have to fight for you? Why?"

I look at her. Because she knows, like we both always do. It hurts us all the same.

"I don't know Brooke. I just wanna feel….something."

A tear falls down her cheek landing on the dining room table.

"I don't want us to fall apart, we aren't 17 anymore."

"I know,"

"Stop saying that!" Her voice is breaking. "You know! You know? I want to feel something. I want to feel like my husband loves me!"

"I do love you." And I do. I love Brooke. I love her so bad it hurts.

"Why do we keep making the same mistakes over and over again?" She asks. Even though we both know I don't hold the answers.

"Because, maybe, we both want to have something to prove."

She nods and wipes the tears from her eyes.

I stand up. "I'm going to go for a walk."

Halfway out the backdoor I hear her yell. "Tell Alexis I say hi!"

And she's bitter, like acid, and it's all my fault.

I arrive at the graveyard with my moon shining over me.

I say a few words to Keith. Words like, "I know I am a disappointment, I know I can never be the man you were."

And then I go to the place I find the most comfort.

The only place I feel close to her.

Sawyer…

"Hi," I whisper.

And read over the stone.

Anna Rebecca Sawyer.

Beloved Wife and Mother.

"I know I only come on your birthday but I was missing her. Peyton told me a part of her was always here. So here I am."

I squat down and wonder about my life and about Peyton. Where she is and what she's become.

I wish everything didn't always have to be such a disaster.

I wish we could all just get exactly what we wanted.

I wish Peyton's silhouette could leave my mind.

Like the bitter goodbye it was supposed to be.

-TBC-

He's a mess. I almost hate myself for feeling sorry for him.

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