Ex Intempestivo Pax

Chapter 13

Tormenting Memories Part One

Why did I deserve to suffer so...?

Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling, nor do I own the Harry Potter Series.

"So, Snivelly, how've you been doing lately? I heard that you've been bugging Prongs' girl here, and you know how the Marauders feel about that, don't you? I hope that tonight's been a good lesson to you!"

"Nice hex, Padfoot! I'll bet that he'll be feeling that one for weeks! Anything else you or Prongs want to try?"

"Eh, he looks so pathetic now, there's really no point. Still, ten points from Slytherin for improper attire. Honestly bloke, you shouldn't have your robes all covered in mud like that. I have to take points for it..."

"Nice one, Prongs! Come on, I wanna tell Moony. Besides..."

"Severus..."

"...I'll bet that..."

"Severus!"

"...would love to hear about what you did to the greasy git..."

"SEVERUS, WAKE UP!"

As Severus' eyes snapped open, Lily breathed a sigh of relief. She had woken up just a few minutes ago, discovering herself to be entangled with Severus in such a way that for a moment she had believed that she had gotten drunk or something and slept with him. She had quickly realized though that all of her clothes were still on. It had been a good thing too, as she would have been very hurt had Severus taken advantage of her like that...

After realizing this, Lily had carefully extricated her body from Severus', making absolutely sure that she didn't disturb him. However, he had then started muttering something that sounded like a very soft whimper of "No...please...not her...". At the same time, his arms had been twitching as if they were possessed, and he had pressed himself into the bed so hard that it was as if he were cringing away from some sort of mental demon.

Realizing that Severus must be having nightmares about his father again, Lily had started shaking him frantically in her efforts to wake him up. She had started by saying his name, at first frantically but that had soon changed into a shout as he had started moaning, which had terrified her greatly...

Coming to quickly, as had frequently been necessary during surprise attacks throughout his childhood, Severus saw Lily's face barely inches from his own. She had a deep frown marring her usually-smiling face, and her eyes were shadowed with worry as she looked down at him, causing Severus to feel guilty for disturbing her because of a mere drea-

"Was it another nightmare, Severus?" Lily said sympathetically as Severus felt her place her hand gently upon his right cheek, causing him to feel his cheeks heat up in embarrassed anger, as they always did when she tried to mother him. Although he usually enjoyed it secretly when Lily touched him in an affectionate manner, he wished she wouldn't do it at times when it was something stupid like a bad dream, as if he needed help from people like some sort of weakling...

Still, Severus managed to resist the temptation to deal with her coldly by reminding himself that Lily wasn't trying to mock him with his weakness, only pushing her hand gently but firmly away. Severus then said simply, wanting to calm her down so she wouldn't worry about him over nothing of importance, "It was nothing important, just some unhappy memories. You do not need to worry."

However, Lily then spoke in a kind but careful tone of voice that reminded Severus of dealing with a hissing Rattlesnake, "Severus, you were moaning like a hellhound was after you. I wouldn't call that 'nothing'. What happened in your dream?"

Lily scooted back along the bed slightly as Severus then glared at her, bringing back unhappy memories of watching as Severus limped slowly into her house on Christmas morning, then all but shouted at her when she asked about his clearly-hurt leg. However, Severus then said slowly, almost biting off each and every word, "Leave it, Lily. I can handle it myself; it was merely a bad dream, and isn't worth any fuss."

Crossing her arms in an effort to give herself some courage, wondering why she was being so stubborn this time about it rather than backing off, Lily glared back at Severus defiantly and said coldly, "Tell me now, Severus. If you actually consider me to be your friend, then you will tell me what's wrong!"

For a moment, Lily feared that Severus was going to go off like a stick of dynamite in a bonfire, as he drew himself back angrily while glaring at her darkly from across the bed. However, he then said in a low growl, reminding her of a rabid dog,

"Very well then, Lily, it was a memory from back in my school days. Potter, Black and Pettigrew ambushed me, using that blasted cloak of Potter's, because I had bothered 'Prongs' girl'. They disarmed me, hit me with a couple of hexes, then covered me with mud. I then got points taken away from Slytherin for 'improper attire', as the muddy clothing gave an excuse to punish me for breaking school rules. Are you HAPPY now!?"

After his quick little tale, which Lily suspected had glossed over much of what had happened based on the defiant look that Severus was wearing, an awkward silence seemed to sweep over the room. Still, Lily had to work hard to keep from smiling at the fact that Severus had confided something like that in her, instead of just lashing out and saying nothing about it after the storm blew over.

First giving herself a moment to make sure she had maintained control, Lily looked at Severus, who seemed to be bracing himself for something awful to happen now that he had said something. He no longer looked angry, as his fury had indeed blown out like steam from a tea kettle, much like it usually did in situations like this. Severus' hate could last years, but his anger had always seemed to blow out quickly if given something to work it out on, for example a few dozen curses at James had always seemed to make him calm down when they were kids...

Putting her hands on Severus' shoulders and rubbing them slightly for comfort, Lily then looked into his blank, mirrorlike eyes and said quietly, trying to fill her voice with gratitude, "I'm not happy about what happened to you, as the Marauders really could be major prats back then, but I am glad that you told it to me. Thank you, Severus..." She then paused before asking in a tone of comfort, "...Would you like to talk about it?"

Severus could only stare at Lily in utter disbelief, unable to comprehend what had happened, but he managed to say in a tone that seemed almost questioning, "If it would be OK, I would prefer not to?"

He had to admit mild surprise at how Lily wasn't laughing at him for his weakness like his father had, or telling him off for letting something so pathetic bother him like his mother had. They were the only people he had ever really told about his nightmares, and Severus had grown to understand why they acted the way they did. Like him, his mother had learned long ago that weaknesses were to be concealed so that people wouldn't hurt you, and had been trying to protect him in their own screwed-up way...

While Severus ruminated at length, Lily slowly got off of the bed and stood up. Deciding to let Severus be for the moment, as he surely wanted to put this embarrassing situation behind himself, Lily then asked carefully, "Err, Severus, do you have the Pensieve with you? I mean, if you don't have anything planned, now would be a good time to see the third memory. Agreed?"

Severus looked at her strangely for a few moments more, as if he were looking for something that shouldn't be there, then replied with a nod, "We can do that in a bit, but I need to check on the potions that I've been brewing first, and it would be...advisable if we had lunch as well."

Realizing that her stomach was attempting to stage a coup against her, unless she gave into its demands for food and beverages, Lily quickly nodded. Besides, Severus' leaving the room gave her the chance to let that smile out that she had been holding back, lest he mistake it for amusement at his pain. Severus had a tendency to lash out angrily when something like that happened.

In spite of both her hunger and glee at the fact that Severus had told her one of his secrets, although she suspected that he was now fleeing down to the labs in embarrassment, Lily was distracted by something that she had idly wondered ever since the end of their friendship: had there been any changes in his potions methodology since the Half-Blood Prince and the Green-Eyed Witch last worked together?

Hearing Severus clomping downstairs, Lily took a moment to look around his room, which had once been his parents' room. She still wondered why he had chosen to live here, as he had always been planning to leave after they finished Hogwarts. After a moment, the answer came to her and Lily chastised herself mentally for forgetting for even a moment that although he looked better since his Hogwarts days, that didn't mean he was rich by any means...

However, that did give Lily an idea, as perhaps there was something she could do about it... It would be tough, as Severus accepted charity about as much as Bellatrix Lestrange accepted Muggleborns, but perhaps she could...

Smiling as she decided to work on her little scheme later, wanting to fine-tune it before trying to convince Severus, Lily then shouted, "Hey, Sev! Mind if I join you down there!? You know, watching you brew and stuff!"

A few seconds passed, then she heard Severus shout back up, showing that he had either gotten past the weird dream he had had or had decided to pretend he had, "That would be acceptable, Lily, but I'm going to make us lunch before I go. Would tuna on Rye be alright!?"

Lily couldn't help but feel a mild surge of relief that she wouldn't have to be the one to prepare a meal for once, unless she preferred to rely on takeout that is, so she almost skipped down the stairs while shouting eagerly, "Sure!" Remembering something suddenly, she then continued, "Oh wait, do you remember those 'tuna melt' things that my mum used to make!? Could you make those instead? She showed you the recipe, right Sev?"

She heard Severus chuckle as she entered the living room, then he shouted, apparently not realizing she had come downstairs, "I was actually hoping to surprise you with that! Glad to hear you don't mind!"

Severus was unsure why she didn't respond, but the answer came quickly to him as he saw Lily's glare as she entered the kitchen a few seconds, rubbing her ears slightly. Realizing that she must have heard him shouting at the top of his lungs from near point-blank range, Severus then continued tentatively while preparing the dish, wincing slightly as he did so, "Err...Sorry about that, Lily... I didn't realize..."

As he prepared lunch, using his wand instead of a toaster to heat the bread, Severus had to suppress a smile as Lily started muttering about how he had probably destroyed her sense of hearing with his shouting. Although Lily was usually pretty serious, although never to the point he was, she could get a little childish sometimes. Although he would never tell her it aloud, Severus couldn't help but enjoy it when she acted like this, sulking just a little bit in a good-natured way. It made him want to spoil her rotten.

Chuckling as he watched her pout, although he suspected that it was mostly for his benefit, Severus spread the mayonaise on the cheese just the way that Lily liked it and put the first of the sandwiches together. It wasn't the most complicated of lunches, but it was quick to make and quite delicious.

Severus still remembered how Lily's mother had made them for them on nights where she hadn't had much time to cook, and how he and Lily would chatter together while munching them down... He missed those days still, back when Lily had never heard of the name 'James Potter' and Severus hadn't dreamed of anything but playing with his newfound friend with the enchanting smiles...

As Severus paused in the midst of making another sandwiche, apparently lost in thought, Lily was heartened to see him smiling ever so slightly. It wasn't the most charming of smiles, just a secretive, normal little smile that was made precious by how uncommon it was. Since his smiles were so unusual to see, Lily had always made it a point to treasure them on the rare occasions they did appear...

-URGRUMBLE-

Lily stood stock-still as Severus slowly turned to look right at her, mortified at how her stomach's rumble had interrupted such a beautiful sight, and couldn't help but look down in complete embarrassment as she felt her cheeks heat up. Moments passed in silence as Lily tried to come up with something to say to break the awful stillness, failing utterly, only for her to finally feel a plate be placed into her right hand.

Looking back up, Lily saw that although Severus' face was perfectly still and blank, his eyes were all but dancing with amusement. Still, he didn't laugh at her, and Lily was grateful for it. Apparently noticing her relief and deducing the cause of it, Severus then said blandly, "I suppose that Potter would be laughing at you right about now, wouldn't he?"

Severus winced slightly as Lily gave him a glare, reminding him that it was her fiance that he had insulted, but then she said with a calm dignity, "Indeed, he would have, and you have to admit that it was funny; if you cannot laugh at yourself, then life wouldn't be too enjoyable now, would it?" Lily then paused a moment, before saying somewhat sheepishly, "Still, I'll admit would prefer it if I was the only one laughing some of the time..."

Thinking about it for a moment while he ate his sandwiche, Severus then replied calmly, smirking mischievously as he did so, "Very well then, I shall remember to crack a joke or two the next time it happens. That way, we can laugh at something other than your stomach's astonishingly inappropriate behavior. Really, you should put a muzzle on that thing sometime."

It wasn't that good of a joke, but Lily couldn't help herself from dissolving into a fit of giggles, not the best idea since she had started eating right after Severus had. Although she glared at him as she struggled to keep from choking, she couldn't stop herself from laughing harder when he continued, "You see? I can be funny...more or less..."

After Lily finished her battle with her throat, they then spent most of the meal on fairly pointless small-talk, mostly on Lily's side although Severus did make frequent comments. It was nice, and it reminded her of Summers long since gone by, where she and Severus would spend every single day together...

Lily's mother would always watch the two of them with this wistful look as the two of them bantered, before turning to her father and making silly comments like "Gee, Dear, doesn't that bring back memories?" or "You know, why don't we have Severus move in sometime? It would be like a preview of the future...", while Petunia would roll her eyes and her father would reply with something like "Yes, but only over my dead body, Dear.".

Memories...they had eventually become memories that she would always treasure as breaths of fresh air in their friendship even as it had once slowly choked to death... Still, perhaps without the house rivalries and the verbal wars over the Marauders and the Death Eaters, things would return to the way they were during that near-idyllic time...

Finally, as Lily finished eating the tuna melts he had placed on her plate, she said to a still-eating Severus, "So, your potions? You were going to let me watch you brew them?"

Severus sighed, then said ruefully, "Unfortunately, it appears that I underestimated we spent sleeping. My potions are almost certainly no longer up to standard, and it might mean my head if I turned in poorly-made ones..." He then paused before saying tentatively, clearly bracing himself, "However, perhaps you could show me another memory of yours?"

As Lily nodded, Severus had to suppress a wince; he had grown to loathe these memories, in spite of how useful the information gained had been to him. Still, it was unlikely that it would be half as painful as that memory he had relived in his dream, the moment he had realized that he had hurt Lily to the point that she didn't mind his suffering from James' attacks...

Author's Note: I hope that this doesn't surprise anyone, but it really would make sense if you think about it. James Potter and co. seemed to go for both physical and mental humiliation in the incident by the lake, so punishing Severus for their bullying of him would seem to be right up their alley.

In all honesty, what would you expect it you put a bully in charge of punishing students for their misbehavior? In my opinion, either all the teachers of Hogwarts deserved to be sacked for making James Head Boy or they had no idea the bullying had continued past mid-sixth year, as that HAS to be against some sort of code of ethics and unlike when they were choosing prefects (Lupin) they had four houses to choose from...

Also, I would like to note that Lily is thinking of a earlier time period during her reply.

Another thing I wanted to demonstrate in this chapter that although Severus is trying to win Lily over, his level of self-esteem is still incredibly low. For example, his reactions to his mother's actions may seem strange, but I think they make sense if you think about them from Severus' view...

By the way, I'm thinking of using this section of my fics to include ideas that I might turn into full-length fics. Feel free to borrow them if you like. As an example, here is a little something that I am collaborating with blackmamuth on:

Dark Purity

I was staring at a grave, something that I had found myself doing many times ever since THAT day. I had lost count of just how many times I had gone to to HIS gravesite in saddened remembrance, trying desperately to recall the exact way his eyebrow was shaped when he lifted it disbelievingly, or the insecure longing I saw in his pitch-black eyes whenever he thought I wasn't looking...

However, even though I was looking at the exact same spot that I always had, it wasn't the same grave. This wasn't the silver monument in his image that I had all but broken the Ministry budget in order to have placed here, as a marker for the tomb that should have held his body. This wasn't even a grave to him; instead, it it was a simple, white headstone that bore my name and that of my ex-husband's, may he rot in hell...

What did this mean? I had attempted to resurrect him, and given just how thorough I had been, it should have been a success. I had combined the powers of the Resurrection Stone, the Chamber of Death and my own power, the same power I had used to send the so-called 'Dark Lord' screaming into the abyss in vengeance for Severus' murder. He hadn't been guilty of course, that guilt belonging to a quartet of seventeen-year old boys, but they had suffered immensely when I had finally uncovered the truth behind their web of lies...

I felt myself smiling as I remembered how Sirius Black had died, eaten alive by a nest of Runespoors, wandless and unable to do anything but try to run as they debated which part of him was the tastiest. I had been sure that Severus would appreciate the irony in that, with Sirius left to die alone to the laughter of his enemies just like Severus himself had... However, although enjoyable to recall Sirius' screams, that had little bearing on the situation at hand.

I had poured so much power into this particular resurrection attempt that I could have restored Ol' Voldy to life ten times over, and I had had the advantage of one of the Deathly Hallows to boot. By all rights it should have worked perfectly, and even if it didn't, it did not explain why my grave had replaced Severus'...

I tried to recall what had happened when I performed this particular iteration of the ritual, but couldn't. All I remembered was a flash of blinding green light...

Then I considered something, remembering some of my studies of ancient magic, especially those of spells which rivaled my ritual in sheer power. Sometimes, magic just wasn't capable of achieving something just the way the caster wanted it to. In that case, it would try to achieve the closest thing possible to it...

Instead of restoring Severus to life, perhaps my resurrection attempt had instead altered the world so that he never died. Time-travel was already possible to a limited extent, but spells which restored those who were truly dead were all but nonexistant. I would have been protected from the spell, being the caster after all... Yes, that made sense, although I wasn't entirely certain it was what had happened. At least it made a good hypothesis...

Suddenly, I heard the voice of a truly aged woman from behind me, asking in a wondrous, disbelieving tone of voice, "Lily Potter, is that you? How could this be?"

Smirking in a way that Severus would have been proud of, I turned around and said with a wry chuckle, wondering idly whether or not Obliviating her would be a bad idea, "Not quite, but very close; I am Lily Evans..."