Dedicated to Britania Control 1.0 - for giving me the idea in a review for another fic.

Warnings: Unfortunately, only about as much Howince as there is in the actual show - well, for now anyway ;). Does do some weird crossover/crack fic. stuff at the end but things aren't as straight forward as your usual crossover... *stacks up the mystery like unstable Jenga*. Also, this first bit is un-beta'd though I am looking for one so if anyone's interested, then I'd be thrilled if you let me know :) [Sorry if it's crap at the moment.]

** PLEASE READ** Don't really want to give away the other warning because it'll ruin the fic so feel free to PM me and ask if you feel a bit nervous. ** PLEASE READ**

Disclaimer: The Mighty Boosh and all related characters belong to Noel Fielding and Julian Barratt, BBC 3 and Babycow. I don't own any of them, please don't sue. The title is a quote from stand-up by Dara O'Briain and is also a massive hint at what's coming.

Author's Note: I know this is quite soon after my other fic but when the inspiration strikes I have to write it before it disappears again. Also, apologies for excessive first chapter others wont be as long.

Howard appeared from the house with a face like thunder, he stormed towards the car and got in silence. He didn't even have the good grace to glare at Vince. He just slammed his keys in the ignition and drove. The driving was erratic and Vince found himself being thrown about in his seat every time Howard wanted to change gear. It was a long time before either of them spoke and all Howard could manage was;

"Did you bring any food?"

"No."

"That was your only other job!"

Vince shrugged.

"You're a prick."

"Ditto."

And then the silence was back.

This was not how Vince had intended on starting their holiday. The idea had been perfect, the planning had been spectacular but so far the execution had been one disaster after another. Vince glowered angrily at Howard and pushed a button, letting the radio scream into action. Vince wasn't sure what the song was but he saw the older man scowl, so he turned it up very slowly, one volume at a time, waiting to discover Howard's exact breaking point. He watched Howard's face contort as he tried not to bite through his own lip with fury. Vince kept pushing until the notes distorted and crackled. It was no longer a song, just a wall of deformed noise forcing it's way into their ears and shaking brains in skulls. Eventually, Howard snapped. He slammed on the brakes. The car haulted suddenly. Vince flew forward, cracking his head on the dashboard.

"What are you doing you bumberclaat?" Vince screamed, "You could've broken my nose then! God knows I've broken it enough times!"

But Howard wasn't listening, he just punched the off button with a great formidable hand, looked at Vince very calmly and then said one very powerful word.

"Out."

Vince understood immediately. He undid his seatbelt and got angrily out of the car, yelling things about useless drivers and how Howard didn't understand him. He turned, glared at Howard and screamed;

"I hope you crash and die", before slamming the door as hard as he could. He attempted to give the car a kick but Howard had already sped off leaving Vince to choke on exhaust fumes, leg swiping at thin air.

*

Vince had woken up later than he'd meant to. Already he had to decide between hair or make up. He didn't have time for both. Down the hall, he could hear Howard nervously scatting as he checked their bags for the seventeenth time. This was a bit of a new thing for them, holidaying alone together. Okay, so they'd been to the Goofy lodge a few times but it had always been with Naboo and Bollo. This was different, this was a 'proper holiday' as Vince insisted on calling it.

"It's going to be perfect." he would say. "Completely perfect."

Unfortunately, this offhand comment had ground Howard's nerves to dust as he desperately tried to make this the most perfect holiday of all time. He didn't want to let his friend down.

Speaking of which, the lazy sod should be eating breakfast by now, otherwise they wouldn't be at the airport the allotted hour and half before the flight left. Just as he was about to wake the younger man up, he heard footsteps padding up behind him and slender fingers dancing lightly on the small of his back. Did Vince still not understand his no touching rule?

"Morning," mumbled the accompanying voice. "What'cha doing?"

"Double checking." Howard said briskly, quickly detaching Vince from his back and continuing with his frantic list ticking.

"You double checked last night."

"Triple checking then."

"You did that last night too, and then I heard you get out of your bed in the middle of the night to check again!"

"You can never be too careful."

"You can Howard, trust me… this" he said, lifting a hand written list for the lists of the lists for the lists that Howard had listed earlier that week, "is too careful."

"Hmm." grumbled Howard, flapping a hand at his friend as though he were a particularly aggravating fly. "Go away." he added, as though the gesture weren't clear enough on it's own. "And get ready."

"But, m'hungry… and thirsty. Is there any orange juice in the fridge?"

"Umm, yes. I think so." Howard sighed, not looking up as he checked his Hawaiian print shirts, he wasn't entirely convinced he'd packed his salmon coloured one. "Check the date." he added, when he heard the humming of the open fridge door. "And don't drink it straight out of the carton." but he suspected it was probably too late for that particular warning.

"Aww, it'll be fine." Vince grinned, appearing in the doorway, carton in hand, slurping away noisily.

"What about germs? I don't want to catch anything from you."

Vince raised an eyebrow and gave Howard an incredulous look. "We live in the same space, if I've got germs I reckon you've already got 'em."

"I don't want to take the risk."

"You're not going to drink from it anyway. We're leaving in an hour."

"That's not the point. Get a glass!"

"No. Everyone knows juice tastes better straight from specially designed cardboard. Anyway, you'll only make me wash the glass up and that'll be a waste of my time and water; see, I'm preventing global warming and what have you done? Used the tree's skin to write hundreds of pointless lists. I'm gonna ring the Queen and let her know that global warming it your fault."

"Hang on, are you trying to tell me don't want to wash up because your saving the planet?"

"Yes. Well, that and the Fairy Liquid makes my hands all dry and horrible. I think Naboo lied when he said it was made by real fairies. Faries wouldn't make something that made your hands feel like sand paper."

"Look, just get a glass."

"Bu-"

"I'll wash it." Howard interupted. He was getting flustered now; where was that bloody shirt? "I'll just add it to the list of a million and one things I have to do to properly get the flat ready for our departure, whilst you straighten your goddamn hair."

"S'alright. I'll stick with the box."

Howard gave a muffled cry of anger, stomped to the younger man, ripped the carton from his hand and poured the contents into a glass.

"Here." he growled handing it back before returning to his shirt pile.

"Thanks Howard," giggled Vince, taking a slurp of juice. "Mmm, tastes much better now it's in a glass." Howard gritted his teeth but chose to rise above it. "Actually," Vince continued, "it tastes a bit funky."

"Don't drink it then!" Howard snapped.

Vince felt a cruel sneer pull at the side of his face as he watched his friend going redder and redder. He began to wonder if it would be possible for Howard to explode like thermometers on cartoons when they get too hot. "Just calm down, will you. It's gonna be fine, stop being sooooo… tense."

"Aha." beamed Howard, opting to ignore his friend. "Found it!" He waved the hideous shirt salmon coloured Hawaiian in front of Vince's face.

"You better not be wearing that." groaned Vince, "That's needs a wash in petrol and then needs to be formally introduced to Mr Bonfire."

"Will you shut up. I have to endure so many of your hideous clothes!"

"I'm voted best dressed in Cheekbone almost weakly. That on the other hand is going to bring about the death of fashion."

"Well, I'm not bothered if fashion dies."

"It'll also kill jazz and rainforests, fish, birds. The world will stop spinning and small children will all lose their dummy's at the same time, causing a crying frenzy so loud that mountains will crumble to dust."

"What? Just because I wear this shirt."

"Yes!"

"That's a lie, isn't it?"

"No!" Vince insisted, though he did at least have the decency to look sheepish.

"Shut up, Vince." scowled Howard, pushing his way past the younger man to get to his suitcase. He was a little too forceful in his bad mood and managed to dislodge the glass in Vince's hand, sending orange liquid and shards of glass right across the living room and all down Howard's front, soaking straight through his muffin roll-neck. There was a strange silence for a while, whilst Howard registered what had just happened and took time to let his anger boil to a terrifying level.

Vince let out a low whistled and said brightly; "You know, that wouldn't have happened if it had been in the carton."

"OUT!" bellowed Howard, shoving Vince towards the door of the room, "Go on, get out of my way."

"Where am I supposed to go?"

"I don't know anywhere, just not here."

Vince scowled and skulked off to the bathroom.

"I need to get changed now coz of you so if you're going in there be quick."

"You can't rush perfection Howard."

"Well, then leave the door open or something."

"What so you can get revenge for the time I walked in on you in the shower in the zoo?" smirked Vince. "Remember that?"

Remember it? He hardly thought of anything else for over a month.

"Oh Mrs Gideon." Vince moaned, giggling as he walked down the corridor, "Oh, your so beautiful. Feel the cream."

"I didn't say that!" shouted Howard, going red at the memory.

"You should have!" laughed Vince, shutting the door behind him.

*

Vince was furious! He'd been walking for ages and he still had no idea where he was… well, that wasn't strictly true. He knew that there was that horrible tunnel not far away, the one that was full of chavs trying to slash you up. He didn't know what to do now, he didn't particularly want to risk his life today. Stupid Howard. Vince stuck out his hand and tried to flag a taxi. Well, that's how they did it on films. Eventually, a taxi took pity on him and pulled over but it quickly dropped Vince off a good few miles from the airport when he found out Vince didn't have any money.

Vince then walked, purposefully, in a direction which he hoped was the right one. Eventually, he saw a big sign for Heathrow and walked in as calmly as he could manage, although he really wasn't used to all this walking and his feet were killing him. He quickly spotted Howard, hunched over the desk talking patiently to a woman who looked as thick as a brick. Vince sidled up to him and grinned at the woman, happily.

"What's the problem?" he asked with a massive, incredibly forced smile on his face.

"Oh, you made it." growled Howard.

"Course I did. I'm unstoppable; Vince Noir, orienteering superstar. I have my own internal TomTom. And you knew I would, because my bags here, unless of course you were planning on wearing my clothes."

"Don't be ridiculous." Howard scowled, his cheeks going a little pink.

"I see you made it here too." Vince continued in the same infuriatingly happy tone, "Didn't take my advice then?"

Howard just narrowed his eyes (an impressive feat in itself) and looked back at the woman, beginning to plead with her about something.

"What's the problem?"

"Well this is a package holiday and apparently they don't let groups of the same sex stay in this hotel, which they're only just telling me now." Howard groaned.

"But there's only two of us, we're hardly a group." Vince pointed out. "What if we were a couple?"

"Are you a couple?" The bored looking woman asked from behind the desk.

"Would it make a difference?" asked Vince, sensing an opportunity to really aggravate Howard.

"Well, yes, if you're a couple then of course they'll accept you."

"Excellent." smiled Vince, pressing himself close to Howard and placing a hand on the older man's chest. "We're a couple, we're just having a few, erm, relationship problems" Howard thought Vince seemed to almost throw up at having to say the word 'relationship', as though his entire body was rejecting even the thought of such a thing. He couldn't help wonder what would happen if the little man ever came across the word commitment. "Can we get on our flight now, please?" Vince grinned.

"Absolutely sir and of course we'll alter the arrangements of the trip accordingly."

"Yeah, yeah, that's great. Thanks." smiled Vince, gazing lovingly up at Howard, who by now looked like he was using all his strength not to burst a blood vessel, or punch someone. The no touching rule was there for a reason.

They put the suitcases on the carousel, Vince telling the woman to be extremely careful with his.

"Put a sticker on it, a handle with care sticker or something. I don't want it being thrown around. Howard, tell her."

The older man just shrugged and turned away angrily saying; "I don't care if they take all the clothes out and feed them to a pack of ravenous wildebeest."

Vince glared at the back of Howard's head and then turned back to the woman and smiled sweetly.

"He's just moody coz he didn't get any this morning." Vince explained, giggling furiously as the woman's eyes opened to unimaginable proportions and Howard grabbed his wrist and marched him away.

"Why did you have to say that?" he hissed, when they were out of ear shot.

"We're supposed to be a couple. I'm just making it seem believable." giggled Vince, in a way that probably indicated he was enjoying all this far to much. "Though this hand holding is helping." he nodded at the wrist Howard was crushing in his hand.

The older man quickly let go, let out a roar of frustration and stomped off to the in the corner Costa Coffee, he needed caffeine to calm his nerves. Vince ran off to play the slot machine and the grabber. He never won. He never even came close. Often he put the money in, aimed for the pink poodle and half way to retrieving the prize would change his mind and go for a silver unicorn, losing the chance to get either. Howard usually pulled him away from them but Howard really didn't care what Vince did at this moment in time. He just wanted to be as far from the younger man as was physically possible to be when you're about to spend two weeks in paradise with them.

Maybe this holiday wasn't such a good idea.

*

Vince had locked the bathroom door, leaving Howard outside hammering the wood and screaming about how they should have left a good half an hour ago and something else about orange smelling clothes. Well, Vince hadn't been listening. He'd been far to busy completing his very complex hair ritual.

Surprisingly quickly, considering that it was Vince and that he had to dress to be fashionable in not only England but France too, the electro poof was ready and sitting in the van, surrounded by luggage and emergency Numan cassettes. Howard watched his friend carefully as he put his seatbelt on and then ticked something on his list. This was ridiculous, Howard was organising all the fun out of their holiday.

"Come on small eyes. You're ruining everything."

"I'm not at all. You must have heard the old adage; failing to prepare, is preparing to fail."

"Yeah, teachers use to say it. But, contrary to popular belief you're not actually a geography teacher. Why don't you just get in the car?"

"Okay." sighed Howard, getting into the car. Maybe Vince had a point, he certainly hadn't enjoyed his holiday so far and Vince was making it quite clear he wasn't enjoying it. "Now, are you sure you've packed the medical case?"

"Errr, medical case?" Vince asked nervously.

"It was the one thing I asked you to do."

"It's not that important, is it?"

"It's vital to the enjoyment of the holiday."

"Alright, I'll do it now." grumbled Vince.

"No!" cried the older man. "You stay there, if you go back in that house, you'll find another item of clothing you simply must bring with you and then we'll be here another hour. We're late enough already. I'll get it."

"Fine." growled Vince flopping back in the seat, wondering why he got so bloody excited about holidays every year, when this was undoubtedly the outcome, a whole load of fighting and an obnoxious Howard.

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