Mrs. Bitters goes to Washington

America's most horrible teacher is morally outraged by Valentine's Day…and ends up going to Washington to complain. But now, the evil witch is planning on making a few changes….AS THE NEXT NEW PRESIDENT OF THE USA!

Go ahead. Flame.

I know where you live….

(I really don't agree with most of the stuff she says...but it's kind of fun writing for a character you don't agree with.)

"There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.

"Noooo…." The old teacher moaned into a telephone.

"Noooooooooooooooo….."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

She slammed the phone down, breathing heavily.

"Class, despite my moral outrage, the principal is ALLOWING you to celebrate Valentine's Day," she snapped, looking liable to start foaming at the mouth.

"Pass out your meat products AND GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

"Um, didn't people use to give each other cards and candy for Valentine's Day?" asked

the boy with the ridiculously large head....uh...Dib.

"How did the whole meat thing get started?"

The old, sallow woman looked at him.

"Ya don't want to know….."

The bell rang. As happy children jubilantly climbed out the window, Mrs. Bitters paced and growled.

More then Usual.

Enraged that another Valentine's Day had been vindicated, Mrs. Bitters clapped her yellow hands.
"Time to talk to President Man," she growled under her breath.

And she melted into a shadow and passed under the crack of the door...

It would be a shame to leave her classroom...it was dull, gloomy, no light, no hope....reason why she taught them there.

But, this was for the good of the nation.

When she arrived at the Pink House-he decided to have a new look done, the president man was busy humming as he carefully stacked cards up into a tower with grey fingers.

Mrs. Bitters cleared her throat.

"I-"

"Ah, ah, ahhh!" exclaimed President, shaking his head. "I don't have the time to pretend to listen to you."

"You're saying you don't think me important?"

"Nuh-uh." he pressed the buzzer on his desk.

"Uh, Nanny? More apple juice, please."

Mrs. Bitters narrowed her eyes and hissed like a rattlesnake, but this went unnoticed.

"So....if, I was, say, a president of a foreign nation, or a queen, you would listen."

"Yup!" President man sipped his juice. "Ah....that hits the spot."

"Or if, I was, per chance, RUNNING FOR YOUR OFFICE?"

"Yeah, I-HEY! WAIT A MINUTE!"

But Mrs. Bitters already sank into the floor again.

And, so saying, Mrs. Bitters formed a new party with a new color and animal: Black,

with an overstuffed vulture.

She went on talk shows. She had campaign managers....which were bats.

She (unwillingly) road into parades.

"So, Senator Bitters, tell us some of your favorite sayings?"

Mrs. Bitters narrowed her eyes.

"Evolution doesn't take prisoners."

"Time is a wonderful teacher. Fortunately, it kills all of his pupils."

"There you have it, folks! Senator Bitters has spoken! We'll be right back after this

commercial break...."

It was do or die, time. The two were at a meeting of the minds as they listed campaign

plans in front of an audience.

"I will ensure domestic tranquility! Can my opponet say THAT? I have a dream that we

will all....uh....live in happiness!"

"I have a dream, and in it, somethingeats you," said Mrs. Bitters simply.

The crowd oohed.

"You-you may ask me anything at all, my good people!"

"Just remember-there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people."

The crowd aahed.

"Haven't we done our best with ME in charge, my people?"

People eagerly turned to Mrs. Bitters, who raised her eyebrows.

"You've tried your best, America.

And you've failed miserably.

The lesson is: Never Try."

People began to nod. (Me: What's WRONG with you?!"

"M-My opinions are good!"

"Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid."

"Tha-that bridge collapsing was NOT MY FAULT!"

"It's not your fault. I'm blaming you anyway."

"I can assure you we will all have more spending money!"

"Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million in campaign buttons."

President man glared. "We must take this seriously!"

Mrs. Bitters just shrugged.

"Never take life seriously. It's not like you're going to get out alive."

The man slammed his fist against the table.

"We must work hard!"

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"

"My-f-fellow A-Americans...I-am a good leader...I'm a good person! I'm nice to the tooth

fairy. I eat my veggies like Nanna says to! I wait for Santa!"

Everyone was silent. Mrs. Bitters raised her eyebrows again.

"I could of eaten alphabits and crapped out a better speech!"

And she turned to the horrified President man.

"It's almost cute..the way how you think I'm listening."

President man opened his mouth, but she plowed on mercilessly.

"Everyone has photographic memory; some people like you just don't have the film."

The people cheered.

"But-but I-can promise you success!"

"Your road to success is always under construction." Mrs. Bitters whipped to face an eager audience.

"And I am NOT prejudiced!" she screamed to the multitudes. "I HATE YOU ALL EQUALLY!"

Silence.

Then, everyone cheered again.

"Choosing the less of two evils is still choosing evil," she commented, and a truly evil smile lit up her face.

She turned to a silent President man.

"Your anger makes me happy," she commented, as people waved banners full of pictures of sour, scowling old women."

The headlines next day...

MRS. BITTERS-FIRST WOMAN PRESIDENT

IF IT'S NOT SWEET-IT'S BITTERS

A NATIONAL LANDSLIDE-JUBILANT THRONGS FILL STREETS! PRESIDENT MAN UNCOLSABLE-DEMANDS RECOUNT!

READING BOLD PRINT IS BAD FOR YOUR EYES!

A woman stood in front of the Black House, bats flying in every direction as the sky took on a shadow of a moonless night.

"Aha, ahahahahah...."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!"

"And, that, children," commented the old witch. "Is what I would if I were president."

The class was completely silent. Finally, a girl raised her hand.

"Mrs. Bitters, um....that was scary."

Mrs. Bitters scoffed. "You go girl. And don't come back."

She burst into tears. This was completely ignored. Zim raised his hand.

"Uh...y'know...that should've been ME! As ruler of the earth!"

A mock sad expression appeared on her face.

"I know how you feel. I just don't care."

The bell rang. Mrs. Bitters scowled.

"Have a great day, you worthless turds."

As children scurried out the windows, she sighed contently. Why would she want to stop being a teacher?

Even as a child, she'd figured that School is great. There's lot of people to make fun of. And everyone knew that Skool makes you sooper smartt.

Suddenly, she noticed a flier on the floor...

....for the Easter holidays.

Mrs. Bitter's eyes rolled in revulsion, and she snapped up the phone.

"I need a campaign manager. STAT."