A/N:
I know, I know… It really has been too long, sports fans. Or something like that. You yanks know the lingo better than little ol' me
I really hope you like this instalment. It does introduce some new elements to the story that I've been dying to write into it for such a long time! Plus, we get to see some Edward… Yay!
I've probably said before that my updates will be more regular (yada yada yada), but this time I really mean it. I've had an epiphany that I want to follow. The significance of that sentence will become apparent at the end.
Anyway, for those still with me – I do love you! For any news ones – hey, I hope you like. And for anyone who actually bothers to read the authors notes, I'm sorry for taking up precious reading space. I will stop rambling… now.
Enjoy.
S.M. owns all Twilight shizzle. This is just a different kind of ride.
Bella POVCali wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Sure, I loved the beaches, and the sun reminded me of the only fucking decent time I could remember with Renee. The college was good, even if the Cullens did prefer the evening talks and night tours. Alice and me even got the chance to get a little drunk in some of the freaking awesome clubs, though god knows how that cunning bitch got fake ID's without me knowing.
Shit was weird, though.
It didn't feel right without the trees of Forks… fuck, was I getting attached?
I had barely thought of… those bastards… Alice and her family were good at keeping me occupied. They were all so nice. It was like something out of the twilight zone that I so wasn't used to. All except the obvious bitchy one, I felt welcomed.
Rosalie still ignored me as much as bloody possible and showed me her disdain when she couldn't be fucked to hide it anymore, but if anything that just kept me amused. Messing with Queen Bee certainly had its perks; the main one being the sexy ass laugh I loved, and she fucking hated, from Emmett.
But nothing could beat my time with the annoying one. She was like the sister I had never wanted, though she could take the place of the fucking psychopath I had been lumbered with any day of the week.
She told me stories of her man, and how he pissed her around with his mood swings. He sounded worse than a freaking girl, though she did say he could read her better than anyone and she wouldn't trade him for all the one night stands in the world. In some ways, I was jealous of Alice's relationship; but I didn't think on it too much. It really helped that her Jasper hadn't been fucking bothered enough about his education to come with us… a little part of me warmed to him when she had said this. Fuck, you gotta love the apathetic bad guys…
Our time together, though, was too short. When Carlisle and Esme told us we were returning to Forks in two days, I kind of wanted to punch something. More than a lot of me wanted to pummel the dickhead who was forcing me back there… again. My heart couldn't find the nerve to pick a fight with the Cullens, though. They had treated me like they actually wanted me. I wasn't sure how to deal with that shit. Plus, Carlisle didn't have the stature of a bodybuilder; but I was sure he could cut me down in an instant… and I liked that…
Unfortunately, Forks beckoned.
I had to return to all the fuckers I had tried to run from, and deal with all the bollocks I had tried to bury.
This wasn't going to go well, of that I was fucking certain.
"Aw, c'mon Alice. You may as well have thrown me out at full speed on the highway…"
"This is your home, Bella."
But I wasn't listening, instead intent on continuing my 'positive parade'. "Or left me at the hands of some hitchhiking motherfucker with a big rusty blade."
"Isabella…"
You what? The soon-to-be late Alice Cullen certainly knew how to get a girl's attention.
"Oh hell no. I did not just hear you say that. What did I ask you to never fucking call me?" I got out of the car. Pressed my hands to my temples. "Shit, man."
She was behind me in no time, a hand on my shoulder. I shrugged her off before I had time to think, or physically react. Because I was really close to freaking out.
"What's wrong with you?" I heard a more accusing tone than I'm sure she used, but I couldn't help it. I wasn't in the right bloody head-space.
My fists started to tremble.
Fuck. This had happened before. Whenever I got too angry, anytime someone pissed me off, I would start to shake then kick off. Though some part of me knew I didn't want this to happen around Alice. A very deep part, currently hidden by my primal desire to destroy. She was a royal pain in my ass, but so didn't deserve the smack down that was coming.
"Alice… just…. drop it!" I growled.
She didn't listen. Why didn't she fucking listen?
She took a step forward.
I took off into the woods, running as fast as my body would allow.
All I prayed was that she didn't follow. If she knew what was good for her, she wouldn't come after me…
The trees were becoming dense. Surrounding me, caging me in. I could feel my breathing getting heavier, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. I dropped to my knees and pressed my head to the ground. Pictures of someone I really didn't want to see were swirling behind my lids. All the stuff I had tried to block out since leaving her.
Renee.
The only person who had ever called me by my full name.
It had always annoyed the hell out of me, but I took it like the good daughter I was supposed to be. I mean, no one tells their mom what to do, right? So, I let her use my full name. Thinking it was the one she had given me.
I didn't know I was screaming until I had to stop and catch my breath.
Maybe this whole 'learning the truth' thing was harder than I was letting on. Inside, I was fucking hurting. Worse than anything, especially because it couldn't be fixed. Sure, I'd had scraped knees and broken bones… but they could all be remedied with kisses and soft words, as well as a few days or weeks for the physical remnants to disappear.
This wasn't physical.
What was going down now was so buried in emotional crap that I felt stifled, smothered, suffocated by everything that surrounded me. All the lies that had built the foundation of my screwed up life were starting to crumble. I was on shaky ground, that much was fucking clear.
But why had I made things so much worse for myself?
Ever since moving back, I had taken one wrong turn after another. Ruining the only stable pieces left. Hurting those that I really loved.
I wanted to be better to Charlie. I wanted to make up with Jake. I wanted to stop fucking up and saying the wrong thing to people, like Alice, who were only trying to help. I wanted to learn how to control myself and open up more. Most of all, I wanted to try and salvage any form of relationship that could be left with Edward.
All the wants piled up, on top of one another, surrounding me with mistakes I had to mend. It just showed me how much of a useless bitch I had been.
Renee had been right when she had said she was glad I wasn't part of her gene pool. If I were her, I'd be glad to have gotten rid of a waste of space like me…
No.
I looked up, wiped the tears from my face with grubby hands, then pushed myself to my feet.
I couldn't let my head start thinking that way. People get themselves into bad places when they let their fucked up negativities take over. I had to be strong. I had to put things right.
With that in mind, I strode out of the forest… and almost walked into a scared looking Alice.
"Oh, uhm… hey." She didn't take her eyes from her shoes as she spoke.
"Hey, Alice." I reached out to put a hand on her shoulder, but thought better of it. I didn't want her freaking out at my touch. That would make me feel so damn bad.
"I'm sorry." Instead, I settled with a smile and an apology.
"It's…" she looked up now, as if to double check I wasn't messing with her. "It's okay." A swear I heard her breathe a sigh of relief.
"God, Alice. If I live even two lifetimes I will not make up for all the shit I've caused. Man…"
There were no words. There were just arms. Small, but powerful, arms enveloped me. I hadn't even known I was shivering until she started mumbling soothing nothings into my ear. This time, I would let it slide. Fuck knows I had to be more patient. I couldn't let my anger control me.
"What time is it?" I had to speak, otherwise the build up in my throat would get too tight and I would more than likely end up crying.
"Just after seven."
I looked up to see the setting sun just behind my house. I didn't have any time to loose.
"Alice, thanks. Again, words can't express how deeply fucking sorry I am… but I guess I'm still working through some crap right now. That doesn't excuse it, though, and I am genuinely sorry."
"Really, it's okay. When you want to talk, you know where to find me." Our hug had ceased, so I could see her face as the grin spread wide across it. Sneaky bitch.
"I know. And, I don't want you to think I'm trying to get rid of you or anything, but there is something I have to do."
"What?" Curiosity twinkled behind her eyes, once more she came alive with the burning desire for knowledge. I couldn't repress my chuckle.
"There are some guys that also deserve my apologies, sooner rather than later."
"Oh," if possible, her grin got wider. "Call me…"
"When I'm done?" I cocked one eyebrow as I guessed her motive. "It's a no-brainer. I'll speak to you later… and make sure you thank your family for putting up with me and my dramas."
I waved her off until she got in her car, then headed back into the forest.
There wasn't much daylight left, but I was planning on making this a quick visit. I didn't pause to think of anything I might need if it got too dark, brains not being the obvious trait in my family, as I was too busy thinking what I could possibly say to Jake and Edward that would help them to forgive me.
The boundary between the Black residence and my own wasn't far. I puffed my fucking lungs to death and managed it in around fifteen minutes. Not a personal best, but I was trying damnit.
I saw it through the trees. My feet begged me to stop. I skidded to a halt, like the fucking coward I am. All my mind could scream was 'what are you thinking?'. To which I had no answer.
Fuck!
Part of me was set on turning tail and running, while I hid my yellow belly in the slowly darkening undergrowth.
Another part, the louder one, the side that knew more swear words and threats, stayed firm. It wanted me to go through with this confrontation, as I loved them so much… obviously.
I was torn.
So, I stayed stuck in exactly the same fucking place. Neither coming nor going.
People had epiphanies for a reason… right?
I didn't know how long I'd been standing still before I had this moment of blinding realisation. All I did know was that it had become considerably darker… and I was looking considerably more stalkerish by the second.
Onwards and fucking upwards, the louder part of my mind demanded. It was then that I finally moved.
The house loomed ever closer, which was not a good thing bearing in mind the memories it brought with it of the last time I had been inside. Still, I tried not to think of the crushing heartbreak and total humiliation I'd faced… Well, tried… That doesn't mean I was very successful.
Having to go in, for another conversation, weighed heavily on me with each determined step I took. I didn't want to relive that crapfest.
Though all my worrying was over, when I realised I didn't have to go inside after all.
On the front steps of the porch, head in his hands, sat Edward. Beautiful even in what seemed to be defeat. What the hell had happened since I had been away to make him look this haunted?
Before he looked up, saw me, and soiled himself thinking I had been watching him… I cleared my throat and walked slowly over.
"Hey." I practically whispered as he brought his head up to stare at me.
He said nothing. Even his green eyes held no sparkle. Blank, solemn orbs shone out from the gloom but said nothing. It was scary. It wasn't like the Edward I had come to know… even in such a brief time.
Had I done this?
"How… uhm, how's things?" I stood awkwardly in front of him. Should I sit? Comfort him? My body stayed inert as my mind had another one of its battles.
"Where have you been?"
Shit, even his voice was hollow. It was like all the emotion, life, had been drained out of him. I didn't fail to notice he hadn't answered my question, but that wasn't important.
"Away looking at some colleges." I wanted to make him happy, to give him anything he fucking desired. Right now, he was asking questions. So I was damn sure going to answer them.
"Don't you have enough decency to return someone's calls?" His voice took on a sharp edge, the only hint of a personality I'd seen in the last few minutes.
"What calls? I don't know what you're…"
"Sure you do." He bit again. "What? We embarrassed poor, innocent Bella… now she won't even bother to be around when her best friend needs her. You're a bigger waste of space than I thought."
His words hurt. They cut worse than any knife. It pierced me, deep down, and I knew I would be healing from the bastard's words for a long time to come. He didn't even have the fucking balls to believe me.
What had started out as something hopeful, was about to get ugly.
"Who the fuck do you think you are?" I snarled. "If I said I don't know, it means I don't know. You're acting like you know me, like your wounding my scanty amount of pride would make me think differently of those I care about. Well screw you. If you'd asked me to jump, I would have answered how fucking high. Then, and now. So don't you go all morose and assuming I know what the hell is wrong when, clearly, I have no clue what you are talking about."
I clenched my teeth to stop from saying anything else. What I had already said was too much, I just hoped I hadn't ruined my chances of reconciliation.
While I was busy in my own head, I didn't notice that Edward had slumped in on himself. When I looked up and noticed, the inner battle in my head was done and I was by his side in a second.
I put my arm around his shoulders and brought his head to rest under my chin.
"You need to tell me what's happening."
"It's Billy." He started to cry, trying to curl himself into a ball and managing to take me part of the way with him.
"What's wrong with Billy?" I could only assume the worst as I tried to bring Edward closer.
"About a week ago… in the forest… he got…" Edward took a shuddering breath. "Attacked."
"Holy fuck. Are you kidding?" I lifted Edward's chin to look at me. "Tell me you're kidding."
All he did was shake his head in return.
I suddenly couldn't breathe properly, Billy was always so careful… and damn good with a gun. There was very little that could take a man like him by surprise. Trying to steady myself, needing to be strong for Edward, I took some calming breaths and stroked his dishevelled hair.
"How's he doing? Where's Jake?"
Edward looked up at me then, tears shining in his eyes but dry on his cheeks. "That's why I was so mad."
He touched my cheek. I tried to stop my stomach from doing somersaults at a fuck-awful time like this, but I couldn't help it. Edward still had some powerful hold on me.
"Why were you mad?" My heart fluttered as his hand stroked my jawline.
"Billy's in the hospital, under observation. The bear attack was pretty brutal. Jake and I, we've been trying to call you. To get you to come back. To make things right. Charlie said he would get the messages to you… but we didn't hear anything."
"Oh. I never…"
"I get that now." He smiled sadly at me.
"You still didn't tell me where Jake was."
"He… he thought you hated him, and he wasn't coming to terms with Billy's accident very well. He was pretty shaken up. When you still didn't come after a week… he ran. I haven't seen him for three days."
Edward and I held each other, no more words could follow.
His tears had been replaced by mine. I felt him stroking my hair, returning my earlier favour, but it was no use.
I didn't know what he was thinking… but I only had one thought swirling round my fucking head.
How, even when I wasn't even here, could I fuck up everybody's lives so badly?