Bakashipping

Summary: Bakashipping: "Bah-kah-shih-peeng"; 1. N.; Ridiculous, often romantic, relationships between characters, as created by writers and fans of said characters. 2. V.; to be involved in the forming of such relationships.

Rated: T

Genre: Humour

Paradocs: Well, we're two chapters into this mess, and still going strong. Honestly, I'm very impressed by my ability to write humour and for you all to take it, read it, and enjoy it. That's pretty amazing in itself. -nods-
Anyway, just to shout out to those of you who reviewed the last chapter...

Nemisor- Well, someone's well-alerted to this, eh? We're up, what, an hour, and you've already reviewed? Nice work, my Finnish companion, and I'm glad to see someone agree with me on how impossible Geminishipping is. I'm going to do the pairings first, then groupings, so, yes, there WILL be Darkshipping (I honestly can't understand who thought that'd work!) and Psychoshipping (pretty much the same opinion as Darkshipping). Fractureshipping is an obvious YES, and Yamishipping? Well, since that just hurts my brain... -grins- Don't worry, honestly.

Pride1289- Well, what a lovely surprise, seeing you here! And, yes, there shall be Spazzshipping (Jounouchi x Bakura) and Antagoshipping (Kaiba x Bakura) at some point. Not to mention Kleptoshipping (Yuugi x Bakura; XP) and Diceshipping (Otogi x Bakura) at some point. And, as I recently discovered, Fragileshipping (Ryou x Yami). I'm thorough like that!

Sapphire Fan- ...I hate you. Anzu?! HAVE YOU NO DECENCY, CHILD?!

Naito no Megami- ...What is with you and the children? Mokuba? With Mariku and Touzoku? Do you want to see the child dead? But, yeah, sure on the Conspire and Deathshipping. I'm up for that.

Kuroi Ruusu- D'aww! Thank y'kindly, marm! I'm keeping at it, sure as hell! And, Ryou is cuter. Obviously. Touzoku's just a snarky, quippy, completely cool guy. Nothing phazes him.

ConsumedByLove- ...If it's possible, I hate you as much as Sapphire Fan. Mostly because I think I've already covered Tendershipping, and I am not, I repeat, NOT, doing this to "tear into stuff"; I'm doing it to poke fun at what people think up, and to show the funnier side of all this. So, before you, or anyone else, flames me or gets all upset over this, this fic is a humour fic. The key word there is HUMOUR. So, kindly, HUSH UP. Either give recommendations for what hasn't been done yet, or review. Don't ask for more of the same, because that's just boring. I write enough Tendershipping as it is!

In other news: Who the hell comes up with these shippng names?! And the pairings! Ryou x Miho is Halfshipping? -gags- Not only is Miho an annoying slut, in my opinion, but with RYOU?! Gah! If I suddenly die while writing this, that's going to be why! THE SHIPPINGS HURT.

Oh. Did I menion that, yes, there'll eventually be some het? But not written nearly as well as the other stuff, because I'm odd like that. ^-^

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! or any of the characters mentioned herein. Also, any brain damage resulting from this story is entirely NOT MY FAULT, and I will take no responsibility for it. Oh. And vulgarity and implied yaoi, though I think you guys got that earlier.

The Third Show

"Tou?" The thief turned around from the blank screen to see Ryou standing right behind him, looking a little hesitant. He'd changed his shirt to a white one with a black star on the front, and had taken the liberty of washing up. Touzoku grinned.

"Done puking your guts out?" The tan boy said, patting the seat next to him. Ryou, looking a little embarassed, walked around and sat where he'd indicated, pulling his knees up against his chest, and nodded.

"I never want to see anything like that ever again," the smaller boy said, sounding vaguely horrified. Touzoku stifled the urge to laugh or tell Ryou that what he'd seen had been almost tame compared to what he and Bakura had just seen. But where was the fun in that? Besides, Ryou couldn't go through life being so sweet and innocent the whole time. Eventually, someone would've ruined it for him. So what if it was a half-mad authoress doing it?

"Hey, umm... Tou?" The thief turned to face Ryou, who now looked puzzled. "Where's Bakura?"

Crap. "Well, he, umm..." Touzoku was saved from having to explain the last few minutes' activity by a loud crashing sound in the kitchen.

"Damn you, Paradocs! Damn you to the farthest nether-regions of hell!" There was the sound of a glass being broken, and Ryou winced. Touzoku jerked his thumb towards the kitchen door.

"He's in there." More crashing and swearing. "Something about 'stabbing his eyes out or drinking until he didn't care anymore'." Touzoku smirked. Ryou looked horrified, brown eyes wide open in fear. "Don't worry. Para made sure there wasn't anything left in the kitchen but popcorn and spoons, so he's just going to have to drown himself in tap water."

"Oh." Ryou still looked worried, though less so. "Well, o-okay. If you say he'll be fine--"

"I do." Touzoku continued to smirk in Ryou's direction, almost forcing him to shrug.

"Then I guess I'll just have to take your word for it!" Ryou's face suddenly brightened as the young boy burst into an unexpected smile. The change in his expression almost made the thief jump out of his seat.

Almost.

But, in keeping with his "devil-may-care, I-never-freak-out" demeanor, the Egyptian merely shrugged, feigning indifference as images appeared on the screen again.

Double crap. Because who should appear on the television set this time but himself and Ryou? Mind, the screen was relatively dark, and Ryou was busy picking popcorn out of the seat cushions and fussing over his messy eating habits (as if they'd mattered back in Egypt), but still. Any moment now, he was going to look up and see the screen-version of Touzoku holding him by the shoulder as he sat on his lap and grinding into the screen-Ryou's rear end.

Not that that didn't sound like a good idea to the thief king. In fact, if he didn't have such an impeccable sense of morality, he would've grabbed Ryou and started mimicking the action on the television set, right then and there. Especially since Ryou looked so sweet and vulnerable right now, curled into a little ball and bent over the sofa, gathering kernels of popcorn and putting them in the half-full metal bowl.

But he'll freak out! The tiny part of Touzoku that he recognized as his conscience whined, as a number of thoughts that had to be R-rated, at least, ran through his mind. You saw what that bit with him and Bakura did to the kid! What do you think that would do to him, then? Touzoku ignored that thought as he scooted casually closer to Ryou. The smaller boy looked over his shoulder at him in surprise, the motion breaking his concentration on the bits of food stuck in the crack between the middle cushion and the one next to it.

"Hm?" With a few strands of snowy hair hanging in front of his large brown eyes, Ryou looked positively adorable. Touzoku resisted the urge to grab him right then and there, and instead settled for putting his arm casually across the younger's shoulders. Ryou raised one eyebrow, silently asking What're you doing?

"Y'looked so, so..." Touzoku's mind raced as he saw Ryou begin to turn his face towards the screen. "Hey, gimme that bowl!" The thief said, snatching it from Ryou's lap and earning him a glare from the other. The thief shoved a handful of buttery kernels into his mouth, cheeks puffing out from the large amount of food in his mouth. Ryou rolled his eyes and giggled, breaking the awkward tension as he reached forward, grabbing a few pieces and popping them, one by one, into his mouth, chewing each with such evident care that Touzoku had to wonder how precious this popcorn stuff was, anyway.

After a moment, Ryou swallowed the last of the pieces of popcorn in his hand and smiled. "You sure seem to like popcorn," he said with a trace of laughter in his voice. Touzoku nodded, his eyes wandering towards the screen, where he could see...

Well, it was graphic. Nothing that Ryou should see, seeing as how it was about five times as bad as what he'd seen earlier. Compared with what he and Bakura had just watched, though, it was a tad less horrible, more along the lines of what Tou would watch on the computer when neither Bakura or Ryou were in the area. A shift of the body under his arm notified that Ryou was starting to turn towards the television set to see why the speakers were letting out so many groaning and gasping sounds. Hurriedly, the former thief king moved to force Ryou to turn more towards him, reluctantly tearing his lavender-grey eyes from the screen to do so.

"Why don't we play a game, Ryou? How about Thief?" He asked, seeing the start of a questioning look on the smaller boy's face. "It's easy. All you have to do is steal something from me to win," the tan male added hastily. "I'll go first, if you'd like." When Ryou didn't move away, but sat there, looking curious, Touzoku felt a flutter in his well-muscled chest, right around where his heart or stomach were. He couldn't really tell the difference; it didn't matter, anyway. Slowly, Touzoku leaned one shoulder towards Ryou, turning his body around so that he could, for all intensive purposes, appear to be leaning against Ryou.

For comfort reasons.

Obviously.

Or, at least, that's what it would look like to the untrained eye, and, most likely, to Ryou. Touzoku's idea for what he'd steal from Ryou was not something as petty as any of his posessions, nor would he let his prize be so trivial as a simple hug or a resting place for his head.

No, what Touzoku had planned for Ryou was something far more entertaining, and had not been influenced by the scenes on the television. Nope. Not the slightest bit.

And, with that, and the hint that Ryou was starting to turn his attention towards the television screen (where, as Tou could clearly see, he was chaining Ryou to a wooden bedframe), Tou turned around, grabbed the near-albino's face with one hand, and proceeded to kiss him--

"AHEM."

Touzoku and a flushed-looking Ryou turned their heads around to look towards the kitchen doorway, where a very annoyed Bakura stood, arms crossed over his chest. Immediately, the would-be thief dropped his hands and turned back around, while Ryou, still curled into a ball on the sofa, blushed an even deeper shade of red as he focused his eyes on the now-blank television screen.

"What the hell was that?" Bakura asked flatly, sounding more pissed than he had in the kitchen just minutes before.

"N-nothing!" Touzoku lied, glancing at Bakura, who raised one white eyebrow skeptically at his pitiful response.

"Then, if you would kindly get your hands off my goddamned hikari, you pervert!" What had started off as a calm request ended in Bakura lunging at the arm Touzoku had left draped around Ryou's shoulders. The resulting tussle between the two males nearly knocked Ryou off the sofa.

A few more minutes of this found the two still locked in a violent wrestling match, with Ryou attempting to take shelter on the floor in front of the couch with assorted scattered pieces of popcorn, his head shielded by the now-empty popcorn bowl. The fight could've continued for much longer, had someone not come into the room at that moment.

"Well, looks like someone's enjoying themself, ne?"

At that voice, Touzoku froze in mid-headlock, turning his head to look in the direction of the newcomer. Ryou poked his head around the base of the sofa, the metal bowl still on his head and a few kernels of popcorn stuck in his fluffy white mane. Bakura craned his neck around his captor's arm to get a better view.

The television set and DVD player click!ed off softly in the background. Somewhere, a baby began to cry. Lightning flashed. Dozens fanboys ceased to suffer from bloody noses. The Ninja Council named Balto the Wolfdog as the new Hokage, and the staff members of both Kumoricon and Sakuracon began to have second thoughts about their timing.

And there, in the doorway, stood the reason behind the boys' problems, the smut on the screen, the freeze-framed fight; hell, some would even go so far as to blame her for the fanboys' now-nonexistant nosebleeds.

The girl who stood there was not particularly tall, nor thin. Her hair was shower-wet and tied back into a braid, and a military-style hat sat on her head. Her black t-shirt and jeans looked comfortable, even. Her glasses made her eyes look a bit larger, almost anime-like in their cuteness.

But this teenager was hardly anime material. She was too foul, too twisted and villainous for even the most demented series.

Her name was Paradocs.

"Aw, shit." Bakura swore, and was promptly hit in the head by a flying aluminum Nalgene bottle full of cold green tea.

Paradocs: WOO.
Remember, for your reviews and suggestions!
ALL PAIRINGS MUST INVOLVE BAKURA, RYOU, TOUZOKU, OR ANY COMBINATION OF THE ABOVE. You can use OTHER characters, but at least ONE of those three must be involved!
And, as a bit of emergency protocol: if you're going to add this story to your Favourites or Alerts, PLEASE INCLUDE A REVIEW! Or send me a Private Message, if you're THAT shy. I mean, seriously. I don't bite! ... much.

And, psh, next chapter? That's when we'll be hitting up all your requests! GWAHAHAH! ...And now it'll be completely RANDOM as to which one gets selected! HAH.