A/N: Written as an entry for the NFA Weekly Writing Challenge. It's a oneshot from Tony's point of view (shocker!). ...but Tim's there too, of course. Don't think too hard about the plot. You'll only be disappointed. :)

Disclaimer: Not mine! Not mine! Times like this, I'm sure that the people who do own NCIS are relieved by that fact. I'm not making money, just enjoying putting them in strange situations.

Go Left!
by Enthusiastic Fish

"Go left, Tony! Go left!"

"Going right!"

"No, I said go left, not no left!"

"Going left, then. Make up your mind."

"Stop!"

"Why?"

"Just stop!"

Screech.

"Why?"

"No, go!"

"What is a no go?"

"Drive forward, idiot!" Tim shrieked.

"Calm down, Probie."

"Calm down? Calm down? Right! No...no left!"

"Is there a left or isn't there?"

"There is! Turn left, now! ...not that left! The other left!"

"What other left?"

"This was a bad idea!"

"Only option we have."

"Straight."

"Good...since that's what I'm doing anyway."

"Right."

"Turning right."

"No! No, I was just agreeing with you! Straight!"

"You know what this reminds me of?"

"Right! Right! Turn right...now!"

"Turning right, now."

"Oh, we're going to die."

"It reminds of this scene in See No Evil, Hear No Evil, the blind guy is driving and the deaf guy is telling him directions."

"Left!"

"And then...this is the best part of the whole movie, the deaf guy suddenly starts shouting, 'Cows! Cows! Cows!'"

"Why is that funny? Stop!"

Screech.

"Why am I stopping?"

"Because the road stops. That's why. You'd better reverse. Go back about twenty seconds and turn right."

"Okay. Lotta swearing in that movie, and it's a bit iffy in terms of comedic value, plot...interest, but that one scene is the best."

"Why are cows funny?"

"Because they were driving through a warehouse, a slaughterhouse. The cows were sides of beef."

"Okay, now, straight...but don't wobble."

"How is a car going to wobble?"

"Waver, then. Just go straight ahead. We're in an alley. ...and I still don't see why that's funny."

"I guess you'd have to watch it. Are they still following us?"

"I don't see them, but then that doesn't mean they're not."

"Maybe we could stop and improve our odds of not dying then."

"There they are! Forward! Forward! Fast!"

"Fast is probably not a good idea!"

"It is when they're shooting at us! Just because your head is currently bulletproof doesn't mean mine is!"

"Probie, are you ducking down?"

"Yes!"

"Sit up, idiot! Who's going to watch where we're going?"

"I'm going to die. I'm going to die. Now! Left!"

"Now, what?"

"Nothing. Forward!"

"I don't know why you keep saying forward when...Probie? Probie? Wake up, Probie!"

"Right, Tony."

"Turning right."

"No! I was agreeing with you again! Straight!"

"Stop saying right if you don't mean right."

"Right."

"Am I turning right or are you agreeing with me again?"

"Turn right!"

"You know what else this reminds me of?"

"No! Shut up, Tony!"

"Gotta keep you awake, McGee."

"Step on it! They're gaining!"

"There's this episode of Friends that..."

"You watched Friends? Faster!"

"Did I ever tell you that I don't like driving fast when I can't see?"

"No, now, you have! Sharp left! Oh, gosh, I'm going to die!"

"Don't cover your eyes, McGee.,.and I can tell you are. Anyway, there's this episode where...it's Thanksgiving, I think and..."

"Left!"

"...and one of them...Ross? No...Chandler...No, Joey. It was Joey. Joey gets a turkey stuck on his head."

Clang.

"This is not a turkey!"

"You think I don't know that, McGee? I do. It's not a turkey!"

"Right!"

"Turning right or–?"

"Turn right!"

"Turning right."

"So...how do they get it off?"

"What?"

"The turkey?"

"They pull it really hard, I guess. I don't really remember that part."

"I'm getting tired again, Tony."

"Suck it up, Probie."

"Left! I think we're almost there!"

"You think? You think? You said you knew where you were going!"

"I do...I just wasn't sure how to get there."

"Probie? Stay awake. We're in big trouble otherwise."

"Big trouble anyway, Tony."

"Yeah, well, having Gibbs mad at us is nothing compared to dying."

"Speak for yourself... Right! I know where we are!"

"Are they still behind us?"

"Well, they're falling back. They know where we are, too."

"That makes how many of us who know where we are?"

"Me. ...and those four guys behind us."

"Right. I don't know. Do you know why?"

"Because you have a helmet stuck on your head."

"That's right! Where in the name of Ned are we?"

"Turn right, hard right...no, really hard right! Boss! Behind us!"

"Boss?"

"Brakes! Brakes! Hit the brakes!"

Screech.

"We're there?"

"Yeah. Can I pass out now, Tony?"

"And leave me to tell Gibbs that you got drugged and I got stuck with a medieval helmet on my head...backwards? You've got another thing coming, Probie. Probie? Probie?"

"Tony? Is that you?"

"No, it's Ivanhoe. Is McGee all right?"

"He looks a little pale. What is going on?"

"Ziva, it's...it's a long story. Maybe later."

"Tony...there had better be a good explanation for what I'm seeing right now."

"Maybe...maybe after you help McGee, you might let me see what you're seeing, Boss. I wouldn't mind. I really, really wouldn't."

"You appear to have a knight's helmet on your head, Tony."

"Yeah, I know that, Ziva."

Clang.

"Don't do that, Ziva."

"Why not?"

Clang.

"Because it echoes in here and hurts my ears. You want to help me get out of this?"

"In a moment..."

Bang.

"What's going on?"

"Nothing. I was just making sure that the last man was dead. He is...now."

"Good grief, Tony. Why are you wearing a helmet?"

"Ducky, could you not ask the twenty questions and help me get it off? Is Probie all right?"

"He will be once the drug filters from his system. That you kept him awake long enough to get back here is quite an achievement."

"I think adrenaline will do that. His arm?"

"Badly broken, but he will survive that as well. The handcuffs certainly didn't help."

Creak.

"Come out, Tony. We will get you out of the helmet."

"How?"

"Very carefully."

"As in you're going to pull really hard?"

"More or less...but we will use some lubricant."

"You're not spraying WD-40 in here."

"Nope. I have some oil."

"You're letting the Autopsy Gremlin take charge?"

"You'd be surprised what Mr. Palmer has accomplished in the past, Tony."

"Gross! Yuck!"

"Stop whining, DiNozzo."

"McGee got off all right?"

"Yeah. Ready to get that off your head?"

"Yeah, Boss."

"On three. One...two..."

"Yeoooww!" Tony fell backwards as his head came free from the helmet and bright, blessed light blinded him. His hair was greasy with oil. His head was wet with sweat...but he didn't care about any of that. Only that he was now free of his prison.

"Now...Tony..." Gibbs said, staring at him intently. "Why don't you start at the beginning and tell me what happened that resulted in your head being stuck in this thing?" He held up an ornate iron helmet.

"Well, Boss...it's a really really long story. You see..."

FINIS!