Valedictio

Look and remember. Look upon this land,
Far, far across the factories and the grass.
Surely, there, surely they will let you pass.
Speak then and ask the forest and the loam.
What do you hear? What does the land command?

The earth is taken: this is not your home.
~ Karl Shapiro, Travelogue for Exiles

It was another month before the submarine docked again, this time in Portland. And Ben was there, waiting calmly at the pier for it to complete its berthing. Standing straight, hiding the still-present weariness as the ocean-salty wind blew through his hair and ruffled his clothes. Hiding everything behind the towering, baroque structures of his mind. Hate, exhaustion, the knowledge that, in actuality, nothing was done. Jacob would always have more tasks for him.

Always.

Behind the veil on his heart, he tended to the steadily building blue and white flames of his feelings for Jacob. He would not think on them again. Not consciously. Not while he was under the island's gaze. But it would always be there. Unless. Unless Jacob came forward himself this time and finally acknowledged him as the island's son. Then he might be able to forgive. Understand, even. It was the only thing he wanted from the man. A piece of him still wanted to hope. It was a very small piece.

~*~

Richard brought Alex to the docks to watch the submarine arrive, and when Ben emerged from the hatch, she was the first thing he took notice of. He smiled for her as best he could, still feeling heavy with all he had done. Perhaps here now was his redemption; that which he had done it all for. He pushed away a crawling sensation of unreality, of almost not recognizing this taller creature with her hair tied back. The little dresses had given way to tomboy sensibilities, and there was dirt on her knees. She looked like her mother.

He reached for her, feeling a mix of hopeful relief and sudden fear, offering a hug. She moved forward to him very slowly, permitting it.

"You missed my birthdays," she said. She sounded withdrawn.

"I'm very sorry, sweetheart. I couldn't help it."

"That's what everyone says." Her voice had a sharp little edge to it. "Where were you, daddy?"

He paused. This was not what he had pictured, had hoped for. "I had work to do, Alex." He hugged her again. She remained still, her returning hug very light. "It's not something to talk about, but I missed you very much."

She nodded against his shoulder. "You're not going to go away again, are you?"

"I hope not."

"Will you promise?" A tiny little waver. He felt he had no choice but to lie. The hollow feeling started to come back.

"I won't leave you, Alex. I promise."

"I don't believe you!" And she pulled away and darted off. Richard looked at him with a helpless expression. Ben had gone cold all over. His mind was silent.

~*~

"They got Tom off the sub a mile offshore without any problems. Guess the Tahiti dock really was being watched, we weren't sure. Tom caught up to Widmore in London a few days afterward, got this tape recorded. Transmitted it just a little while before we set out to pick you up in Portland."

Ben watched the footage get keyed up on the Pearl's monitors. He already suspected what he would see. The young islander in a brown jacket. The blindfold. The beating. Widmore's glance towards the camera. "Poor man."

Richard shot him a look. "You didn't know this would happen?"

"Hadn't a clue. I just recommended the case to throw someone off if he did get followed."

"Yeah, well. If you hadn't asked for fresh surveillance on Charles, we'd never have known."

"Fate, perhaps." He made himself sound sorrowful, a careful simulacrum of the real thing. It still rang empty in his ears. Meanwhile, his thoughts ticked on. He should probably make a copy of the footage for himself sometime, keep it somewhere. "Charles is acting more openly against us. Risky business on both our sides. But it was what Jacob wanted..." His voice trailed off. Richard was still looking at him. Then the ageless man shook his head.

"Maybe. It was all just such a mess."

"Has Isabel been working on new security for the docks?"

"Of course she is. There's new keycard technology coming up, biometrics... she's having fun, I guess. Ben-"

He cut Richard off. "Good." He took his glasses off and left them on the console, fixing the taller man with wide blue eyes that seemed to blink less and less. "Richard, I don't know how to tell you how long it felt and how strange it seemed out there. I'm very glad to be home." He offered an open, self-deprecating smile. Richard dropped his own gaze. Ben took a venture. "I was wondering about... Jacob."

Richard shook his head again. He licked his lips before he spoke. "It isn't a good time right now, we'll have to wait. He sent word that he's glad you're home. That you did well."

"I see." Another quick, simple smile. Something flickered inside of him and then died again. "Of course."

~*~

Mail, on the island, was a boring and uncomplicated process. Unless they were awaiting something unusual from the sub's mainland business, Ben delegated the matter to others. He never received personal mail of his own, having made no connections through Mittelos Bioscience that he wanted to maintain. Sometimes the others did. More or less, it was often only business correspondence.

To find an envelope delivered to his home, three months after his return, was a surprise to him. The return address labelled it as a letter sent from Shanghai, the address that of the hotel he had used.

He waited until late at night, when Alex had finally gone to sleep, to read it. The letter was unsigned, but it didn't matter. He held it gingerly in cold fingers, as if it might rise and bite.

Benjamin,

Your man is dead. I have seen to it. You and I both know that it is you who are responsible for this. You wear his blood. He gave me enough information to assess that. That's a very dark act, boy. Very dark. All this for what? To go home? Like a child weary of playtime, up after dark, and whining in the fields to be let in?

You vile, goblin-eyed, little rat. You come forth into my world, scatter my life, and then you began to react as if you were innocent. I might have ignored you in time, left it as nothing more than harrying observation. Let you go. But you persisted. You gamed with me. You killed my men. What was I to do?

I have buried the man. It is more than you might have done, upon reflection. I have had Rainsford buried as well, and now his people will not work with me. I suppose you've won that much.

To succeed against him, knowing what I know and what you did not – I know what you are now, boy. I have always known who you are. You're a killer. Not a leader. A trained pet, a shackled bird of prey. You're Jacob's last weapon of war, and damn him, too. It's all that you are, and you set yourself on me. You began this. It will end with you.

Do you have any idea how badly I want to kill you? I tell you, boy, I dream of it.

~*~

Yes, thought Benjamin Linus. He had gone numb, and but for hate, he distantly wondered what real emotion was left in him.

I know.

And when you find a way, I will be right here.

~Fin

"A little wisp of soul, carrying a corpse."

Epictetus