Title: Suffering is the Best Punishment

Author: Shannon – shannyfish

Disclaimer: I do not own "The Mentalist" or its characters, CBS does. This is merely for entertainment purposes only.

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Takes Place during Season Two. Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.

Warning: Severe spoilers for season one.

Chapter 20 – "Without Her, Live no Life"

Author's Note: This is Riley's fault…there shall be a sequel…and possibly a soundtrack and a trailer…or two… Also, I'm pondering the PoV for the sequel…either Jane, Lisbon, or a combo…still not sure.

...

"So dear I love [her] that with [her],

All deaths I could endure.

Without [her], live no life."

- William Shakespeare (Romeo & Juliet)

Jane Residence

He'd failed.

He'd failed Lisbon.

He'd failed the team.

He'd failed the CBI.

He'd failed himself.

Jane was angry, so angry that it consumed him. It made him want to break everything in sight. After Cho and Rigsby had picked him up and they'd been unable to find anything all he wanted to do was go home. He had this thought in the back of his head that she'd be there waiting for him.

Lisbon in her jersey, chastising him for being out so late and going after Red John without him. She'd be irritated and yet happy to see him, but too busy preparing a snack to play his games. How he wished that that were the reality of the situation.

Instead, Lisbon was gone. Dead or alive, he didn't know. Minelli had been woken and had already distributed Lisbon's picture to every hospital and morgue and police station in the state. He'd been upset with Jane and irritated that he hadn't called back up. Yes, Jane already knew that it was his fault. He didn't need to be reminded. If Cho, Rigsby, and Van Pelt had been there, then they may have seen the vehicles and at least gotten them a shred of something helpful to go on.

He had nothing.

She was gone.

Red John had made sure of that. And the worst part of it all was that she wasn't fully erased from his life. She'd been taken in the middle of the night and Jane knew that remembrances of her were still in his house. In his bedroom. Technically, he would normally categorize them as good memories, beautiful ones, but with the pain he felt…everything that reminded him of Lisbon brought him such grief…it was unbearable to know that he was responsible for her fate and not actually know her fate.

Upstairs, it was like the realm of Red John. The place where the smiley face reminded him of Red John and the murders he'd committed there. He remembered vividly, the note on the door bragging of what he'd done. The smiley face on the wall welcoming him to the room which held his murdered wife and daughter. Red John had returned and left him memories of Lisbon. Her cross. Her jacket. The light that had shone on the smiley face that still remained on his wall. And now, Lisbon's clothes and items had been left in his room. The scent of her hair on the pillow.

He'd made himself live in that room. The room that reminded him of everything he lost. The room that was filled with pain. He wasn't sure if he could do that again. Could he face it everyday? The pain and the unknown? Jane didn't want to hope that Lisbon was alive and then find her body three weeks later, four counties over, in the middle of some abandoned area of land. No, he wanted to know…to know whether to be relieved that she was alive and out there somewhere or to grieve.

Grief was easier.

Hope was always preferred, but it was the harder of the two to grasp and hold onto. To hope was to put your heart out there. To hope was to wish for the best scenario…and he knew that that wasn't naïve. Hoping for Lisbon to be alive wasn't going to do anything but keep his hopes up. But there was a time when hope faded to the darkness…

Grief was easier. You accepted your loss. You grieved in your own way. Cried. Broke things. Screamed. Hid away from the world. But eventually…the light shines down on those who are grief stricken and they learn to move on.

Hope was cruel.

But how could he just grieve for Lisbon's death? He couldn't take hold of the concept of Lisbon being dead, not without seeing her body. He just couldn't believe it. Jane threw something across the room as the image of Lisbon's nearly naked lifeless body lay in a pool of her own blood that mixed with the dirt beneath her.

It was his fault.

They'd taken her…

He'd allowed them to take her.

He'd chosen it.

Jane screamed and pulled down picture from his wall and threw it. He wasn't normally a violent man, but his angry was welling up inside of him and he had to release it somewhere. He'd chosen that she should live, but what did that mean? That Red John would allow his minions to lock her up and one of them would hope to brainwash her? That they'd somehow erase her memories again? That they'd turn her against him? Jane's mind started to reel at the sheer number of scenarios that sped through his brain.

He knew what he'd chosen. Life. Maybe for Lisbon. Definitely for him. A life in which he'd look for her at every turn, where he'd continue to kick himself for the decision he made…

That wasn't life though, that was death.

His soul had died a little more…

…

CBI Headquarters

Jane had informed Minelli that he would no longer be working with the CBI in any capacity. Cho, Rigsby, and Van Pelt had argued with him. They'd tried to cheer him up and force him to change his mind saying that they'd find Lisbon. Jane didn't think so. The CBI was too narrow minded and gave up too easily.

What if they'd taken Lisbon out of state?

The only way the CBI would find her out of state was if someone saw the flyer and Jane wasn't even sure if Minelli had distributed it nationwide. If she were somehow used in one of Red John's crimes…then they'd know. But other than that…they had no clues and they wouldn't know where to look at her. California or otherwise.

He boxed up his things. He didn't have many that he kept there, but he didn't box up the few belongings that he had. Jane had tried to go into Lisbon's office. He'd wanted to see if there was anything that he could take…as a reminder. He was regretting giving Lisbon back her cross. He remembered how comforted he'd felt with it in his possession. It was an important piece that he'd carried for a while…and now it was like she was a ghost. This time Minelli hadn't waited any length of time. Lisbon's office had been boxed up right away. Of course, Minelli said that they were looking for clues in her files and such, but Jane had a feeling that he honestly didn't believe that she'd be returned to the CBI alive. They were already scratching her name off the glass of her office door.

Red John had won.

The CBI had pretty much given up. No one was out there looking for Lisbon. It was like she never existed there. It was like she never existed anywhere… He couldn't handle the seconds…minutes…hours…days…weeks…months…or even years until Lisbon surfaced. He was going to venture out without the CBI to find her. Even if it was the last thing he did, Jane intended to find Lisbon.

"Jane, please…"

Her voice was quiet and gentle. Jane would miss Grace Van Pelt. She was sweet and kind…and naïve, but she had a huge heart. She saw the good in people. He left his box on the desk and turned to the young red head. He held out his arms and then pulled her into a hug. He held her there for a moment. "You're going to do so much better without me here, Grace…"

"I'm going to miss you."

Jane could hear the honestly in her sweet voice. He pulled back and smiled brightly at her. He smiled like there was nothing wrong with the world. "I'm going to miss you, too, but we can still have tea…or lunch sometime."

"I'm going to hold you to that," she told him, returning the smile.

He turned to Rigsby and Cho and shook each of their hands. "It's been good working with you," he said. He knew it was something that Lisbon would have said. It was so…normal.

"If we find her-" Rigsby started.

"You mean if you find her before I do?" Jane asked, disbelief laced his voice.

"You never know," Cho said straight faced.

"I know," Jane said and then went to retrieve his box. "I'll keep in touch."

"If we find out anything," Grace said. "We'll pass it along…"

"Just don't tell Minelli," he whispered quietly and then flashed them a bright smile before heading out. They all had good hearts…even Cho…Jane knew that though Cho was the hardest one on the exterior that he was really just as upset about Lisbon's disappearance as Rigsby and Van Pelt. But they needed someone to be strong now. They needed Cho to be Cho. Which was why him leaving was another great idea. He'd just mess things up. He'd upset Grace and keep the team from functioning the way they should.

This time, he wasn't going to be selfish and stay where he felt comfortable.

This time, he'd protect them by getting as far away as possible.

They'd be safer this way…

Now, he'd find Red John.

He'd kill him.

He'd find Lisbon.

He'd bring her home.

…

The End.