Totally Skippable

By Material and Bhaalspawn

(Material: Okay, so welcome to Totally Skippable. Our parody of Unskippable, courtsey of Grahmn and Paul.)

(Bhaal: The whole point of this is to take chapters of stories, or parts of them, and make smartass comments in the middle of them.)

(Material: You'll get the point when we start. If this catches on, we'll make more chapters.)

(Bhaal: Please note, this is entirely for the humor purposes. It might help if you read this aloud in either an over the top manner, or in a sarcastic tone.)

Episode 1: The Spellbook: Not So Bewitched

Quahog was slowly recovering from the disaster caused by the "beer of truth", as the police stored the tainted beers and the Brewery increased their production so any drunken guy could remain drunk. However, there are still some tainted beers that the police couldn't find.

Cutaway

Early in the morning, Lois was cleaning the house as usual, when she heard a loud hit outside followed by a familiar scream, like somebody fell from the roof. Lois went outside and there was Quagmire, in a lot of pain, lying in the ground.

"Glenn!" said Lois in shock "Are you okay?" asked, a bit worried, as she helped her neighbour to stand up.

"Yes…yes…thanks"

"Wait, what were you doing up there?" asked Lois.

(Material: Trying to rape a squirrel)

"I was spying Meg" said Quagmire "Now that she's 18, she can ride on the Quagmire's tunnel of joy!" said Quagmire happily.

"What?" said Lois in disbelief.

"But don't worry, you can ride with her too!" replied him.

(Bhaal: I think I read something like that on AFF once)

"WHAT?"

(Bhaal: Don't judge me Lois)

"um…giggity?"

Lois then punched hard Quagmire, knocked him unconscious, and went back to her usual house working.

End Cutaway

And, speaking of Meg, she's on her room, in her bed. She had a very bad illness.

(Material: The evil Cross Dresser disease. She's been living with it for ten years now...a world record.)

"Hey, Meg, look what I brought for you" said Peter as he walked in her room holding a big box. "A PS3!"

"Thanks, dad, but it wasn't necessary. I'm not very fan of videogames" said Meg in a weak voice, before coughing.

"Come on sweetie, give it a chance" said Lois as she also walked in. "Your father took the trouble of renting this for you. He also rented this game" said Lois as she handed her daughter a box.

Meg looked at it. It was a copy of Marvel vs Capcom vs Street Fighter vs Killer Instinct vs Mortal Kombat vs Tekken vs SmackDown vs Raw IV Turbo Beta ex plus: gold edition.

(Bhaal: Aww! I only have the Bronze Edition. It has less shiny lens flares!)

"May I come in?" asked Matthew's voice from the aisle as he walked in.

(Material: The aisle? I thought they don't get married until later.)

"Matt!" said Meg with joy.

"Well, I'll guess you want to stay alone for a while" said Lois "Matt, don't bother her too much, she need to rest"

"I'm okay" said Meg before coughing.

"I'll bring you up later some soup" said Lois as she and Peter left the room.

"So, how do you feel today, honey?" asked Matt.

"Pretty worse than yesterday" replied as she coughed more. "God, I feel so bad…"

(Bhaal: Oh yes, you're a bad girl aren't you?)

Matt then sat near Meg and cuddled her.

"Matt, there's something I want to tell you" said Meg.

"What is it?"

(Material: I'm secretly an illegal alien from SPACE!)

"Please, look below the bed. There's a big book. Bring it here" asked Meg. Matt did it.

"What is this?" asked Matt, as he turned some pages of the book "It seems to be very old…"

"It's a spellbook" said Meg "a real spellbook"

Matt then gave Meg such a look for what she just said.

"You don't believe me?" said Meg "Well, look at this"

Meg opened the book in a random page, and recited a spell. Suddenly a bunch of squirrels burst from below the bed, and ran outside the room.

"Aw! Aw! AWWWWWWWWW! Damn squirrels!!" shouted Peter offscreen, along with the sounds of hundreds of tiny bites .

"Wow, you're right, it's real!" said Matt in amazement. "Wait, did you use this for make me falling in love with you?"

"Of course not!" replied Meg, offended.

(Bhaal: Then, she started shifting her eyes suspiciously.)

"Well, it's just that I never understand why I'm the only guy who finds you attractive"

(Bhaal: BECAUSE YOU'RE THE AUTHOR INSERTION OF A FANTASY-RIDDEN NERD!)

"Hey, I remind you that I had a lot of boyfriends before meeting you!" shouted Meg.

(Material: Sure you did.)

"Meg, please, don't get so angry. Hey, do you have a PS3?" asked Matt when he noticed it.

(Bhaal: No, that's just a big black block in the shape of a PS3.)

"Yeah, dad brought it here so I could have some entertainment, since I cannot leave bed" replied Meg.

"Whoa, do you have Marvel vs Capcom vs Street Fighter vs Killer Instinct vs Mortal Kombat vs…" Mat then stopped when he was out of breath, and gasped for air. Then continued "vs Tekken vs SmackDown vs Raw IV Turbo Beta ex plus: gold edition!"

(Bhaal: Stop rubbing it in Matt!)

"Do you want to play a bit?" asked Meg.

"Of course! Besides I'm sure that some harmless passive violence will be good for cheering you up"

"Okay, let's get started…" said Meg as she grabbed a controller and gave the other to her boyfriend.

They switched on the PS3 and the game began. The fist thing they did was setting up the teams. Matthew chose a bad guy team formed by Magneto, Mr. Vison, Scorpio and Heihachi. Meg chose a team formed by random selected characters, who were Spiderman, Randy Orton, Chun Li and Yoshimitsu. The fight began, and Matthew, as expected, defeated Meg's team without sweating.

".god" said Meg in shock "I wasn't able to do anything!" complained.

"Well, you're talking with a master in these games" said Matt proudly. "Do you want a rematch?"

"Sure!" said Meg, now a bit more cheered.

Meg also lost the next rematches, however, each match Meg played better than previous, until she was finally able to defeat Matt when Randy Orton delivered a powerful RKO on Scorpio.

(Bhaal: What does RKO mean? Something-Knock Out, I know that much.)

"Yes! I finally won!" said Meg in excitement.

Matt frowned a bit.

"Well, honestly, I wasn't playing good, so you could win at least once, so don't get so cocky!" said Matt, trying to hide his hurt ego.

"Really? Then let's play again, and show me your skill, big boy" teased Meg.

(Material: Oh I'll show you my skill alright.)

(Bhaal: You know, this is perhaps the most dialogue Matt's had in this entire story.)

Both played again, but the match was similar to the previous one. This time, Chun Li was beating the crap out of Magneto. Then she switched to Spiderman, and trapped with a spiderweb his rival. The other three characters form Team Meg entered in the fight, and beat Magneto up.

"This is not funny" said Matt.

(Bhaal: You're right, it's hilarious)

"Oh, come on, take it easy" said Meg.

"Take it easy?" asked Matt. "Okay, I didn't want to do this, but you forced me too. A rematch?"

"Accept!" said Meg.

The fight began, but this time Matt used some kind of cheat as he summoned…Chuck Norris! Chuck Norris delivered to the entire Meg Team a roundhouse kick, killing them instantly. However, even in a videogame, Chuck's kicks are so powerful that the TV exploded.

Suddenly, Lois entered the room.

"What the hell was that?" asked a bit confused, as she saw the TV.

"Uhh…nothing…" said Meg.

"Anyway, Matt, it's time for you to leave. Meg needs to rest" said Lois.

"But mom! I was just starting to have fun!" begged Meg.

"Your mom's right, honey" said Matt. "You must rest"

(Material: As opposed to "You have to rest". It's all about the delivery in this buisness.)

"Okay…" said Meg in defeat.

"I call you tonight. Get better!" said Matt a he walked out of the room. He blew her a kiss before leaving. Meg shyly smiled.

(Bhaal: Aww, she's so cute when she's pathetic.)

Lois then walked towards Meg, and sat on her bed. Then she placed her hand on her daughter's forehead.

"It seems that your fever has lowered" said Lois. "How do you feel?"

"A bit better. I can't believe I'm saying this, but dad got a good idea bringing me that video game" said Meg.

"See? Your dad only wants you to be better, although many times may seem the opposite. Now you should sleep a bit. I'm sure you'll soon be healthy again." Said Lois as she left the room.

Meg then covered with her blankets, and fell asleep.

…

When Meg opened her eyes, there was nothing but darkness.

"Uh? What is this?" asked Meg, confused. "Where am I?"

(Bhaal and Material: The dark, you dumb bimbo!)

Meg heard a sinister laugh. Then she realized that she was floating.

"You're in the end of your travel…" said an enigmatic female French voice.

"Who are you?" asked Meg, now in fear.

Suddenly, a woman dressed in black appeared in front of her. Her clothes seemed from the middle ages.

"Who…who are you?"

"My name's Miriam" said the woman, in a French accent "And I am the original owner of your Spellbook!" said, very angered.

"What? No way!" said Meg.

"Oui, I wrote that book. I was a witch who lived with her sisters in the south of France in the XIII century. However my sisters and I wer captured by the Inquisition, tortured and burned to death" revealed the witch

(Bhaal: Man, barbecues were more morbid in the thirteenth century.)

"So you're a …ghost?" asked Meg.

"I guess yes, I'm a ghost, but soon I'll be life again, and YOU are going to help me to do that!" said the witch. "I'm going to take over your body!"

"No way!" replied Meg.

"You have no choice, darling" said Miriam. "Remember that cloud of dust when you opened the book for first time?"

"What about it?"

"That were my ashes!" said Miriam. "My ashes introduced in your body, allowing me to be there as a guest, but without any type of control over it. However, every time you used the book for cast a spell, your body absorbed part of the magical energy unleashed. And with that energy, I'll be able of finally possess you body and come to life again!" said triumphal.

"No, you can't possess me!" begged Meg. "I'm fat! And ugly! And unpopular!"

(Material: Way to have self-esteem, Meg.)

"Oh, don't worry. When my powers are restored, that won't be any trouble. Now, said au revoir to your body, Megan Griffin!"

"No, no, no…!" Meg shouted, but her voice was lost in the darkness, as she began to lose conscious.

Miriam opened her eyes. She raised up and looked at herself.

"At last!" said, exulted "After 800 years of torment, I did it! I'm alive again!"

(Bhaal: Wow, she's still hot after 800 years. My mother needs to ask her what her secret is.)

Then she looked at herself in the mirror of Meg's dressing table.

"Ewww, she was right! She's fat and ugly!" said Miriam with disgust. "Anyway, I'll guess I can do something about this…"

At the lunch time, everybody (except, obviously, Meg) was at the table ready for lunch. Lois has set the table, and was about to bring Meg her lunch to her room. However, she stoppen when she heard the door of Meg's room opening, and the sound of Meg's steps.

"Meg, sweetheart, do you feel good enough to get up the bed?" asked Lois. However, when everybody saw Meg, they stared at her in shock. Lois even dropped the dish she was holding.

Meg had her hair styled in the same way as she had when she got the makeover, but this time was dyed in pitch black. Also, she had on black eye shadows, black lipstick, was wearing black gothic clothes…let's say that everything in Meg was now black, except her skin, that was pale white.

(Bhaal: God, those political correctness censors ruin EVERYTHING!)

"Oh my god, it finally happened!" shouted Stewie "Her life was so depressing that she turned into an emo!"

"Meg…are you okay?" asked Brian a bit worried. "I think you should rest a bit more"

"Shh, shut up" whispered Peter to the dog. "This ought to be better than the revelation about Smith's identity".

Flashback

The entire family is in the living room watching Matrix Reloaded. Specifically, the scene where Neo is fighting for first time the army of Smith clones.

The fight began. The Smiths charged against Neo, however, he used his advanced martial art skills, kicking away the Smiths in a fast motion punches and kicks. However, the Smiths didn't give up that easily, and they charge again. Meanwhile, more Smiths come to the battle. Overwhelmed, Neo grabbed an iron pole, drove it into the ground, and began to spin around the pole, kicking the Smiths in the process. One of the Smiths is kicked in the face, breaking his sunglasses, revealing that it was…

"CHINESE!?" said Neo in confusion, as the battle stopped with a record scratching sound. "You're Chinese?"

In fact, Smith had almond shaped eyes.

"Of course I'm Chinese!" replied Smith. "Otherwise I couldn't replicate into other people." Explained.

"Wait, wait, wait…are you saying that EVERY Chinese guy can do this?" asked Neo.

"Yeah. Why do you think there more than a billion of Chinese people in the world? Or why do you think almost every Chinese guy or girl resembles each other?" asked Smith.

"So…how many original Chinese people are there in the world?" asked Neo.

"I don't know exactly. 10, 12, maybe 15. The rest are clones" explained Smith.

"Oh…shall we continue fighting?"

"Sure!"

The Matrix fighting theme began to play again as the fight resumed.

End Flashback

(A/N: Sorry if I offended any Chinese people. I just HAD to do it)

"Oh no…don't worry about me…I feel trés bien" said Meg in a French accent.

"So, do you feel better to go to school?" asked Lois.

"I guess yes…" said Meg.

(Bhaal: Notice how nobody notices her French accent?)

In the school, like in her home Meg's new look surprised most of the students. Others, however, like Stewie said, didn't were surprised at all. However, nobody noticed her French accent.

(Bhaal: Yeah, why is that again?)

"Hello Meg" said Connie as she and her friends walked to Meg. "Beautiful look"

"Um…merçi…" replied Miriam.

"Do you think it's beautiful?" asked Lisa. "She seems like a freaking corpse!"

"I know" said Connie. "Because nothing is uglier than Meg alive!" said Connie as she and her friends began to laugh.

(Material: Ooh! Bitch got claws!)

Miriam glared at them angrily. Her eyes were glowing with an eerie red glow.

"However, my look isn't as beautiful as your hair, cherie" said Miriam.

"Of course, my hair is…AHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Connie when she saw that her hair was turned into a bunch of snakes!

Connie then ran through the hallway, screaming in terror and angst. Her friends followed her. Meg/Miriam laughed with pleasure. The rest of the day at school passed at someone who's reading this chapter would expect: Meg cursed or turned into animals the teachers who reprimanded her, all the boys and girls who called her ugly or any other insults, and set on fire some classes. At the end of the day, hardly anybody in the school was free of Meg/Miriam's evil magic powers, only her boyfriend Matt and few others. The only exception was the French class, where the teacher was very pleased with her. She though that Meg had studied a lot, and congratulated her for her hard work.

(Bhaal: Finally, somebody notices her accent!)

(Material: I like this new sadistic Meg. Much more appealing.)

Meg/Miriam returned to the Griffin house by the afternoon.

"Meg, are you at home already?"

(Bhaal: Obviously! She just walked in the damn door!)

said Lois. "I thought you have to work today in the Gardening Store".

"Ummm…Helen said I could take this day free. She had…some affairs of her own."

Meanwhile, on the gardening store, old lady Helen is fighting with an evil mutant plant.

Back to the Griffin house, Meg notices that the house is very quiet.

"Where are the rest?" asked Meg.

"Peter and Brian are on the Clam, Chris is at his soccer training, and Stewie is in her room sleeping." Said Lois.

(Material: Stewie's a girl now?)

"So, we're alone, ce n'est pas?" asked Meg.

"Yes. Would you like to practice some piano with me?" asked Lois.

"Yes, why not?" replied Meg.

"Okay. Wait here. I'm going to bring the score" said Lois before going upstairs.

When Lois came back, the room was empty.

"Meg? Where are you…?" said Lois before Meg hit her with a frying pan, knocking her unconscious.

(Bhaal: Cool, that was better than-)

(Material: No starting flashbacks in other people's stories.)

When Lois opened her eyes, she felt a headache. She was in the basement. She saw that her hands were tied to the ceiling, and around her was set the scenario for some kind of dark ritual, such like candles, runes, skulls and other satanic stuff. In front of her was Meg, holding the spellbook.

(Bhaal: I think I read something like this on AFF, too.)

"Meg, what are you doing?" asked Lois.

"Tais-toi!" shouted Meg.

"Meg, honey, if this is for reading your diary, I swear that…"

"There's nothing you can say for stop your doom, mademoiselle Griffin." Said Meg.

"Wait…you…you aren't Meg!" said Lois in realization.

"Bravo! You finally realized. However, you're a bit too late" said Meg.

"What have you done with my daughter!?" asked Lois, with fear and anger.

(Material: She possessed her, obviously! You guys are really dense this chapter.)

"The same thing I'm going to do with YOU!" said Miriam with emphasis. "I'm going to use your body for bring back my sister to life. Now, stand still. This won't hurt" said Meg, before casting an array of green lightings to her mother. Lois levitated in the air as she was shouting in pain.

"You said this won't hurt!" cried Lois.

"And I LIED!" laughed Meg in a very sadistic manner. "I'm an evil witch, what did you expect?"

(Material: Puppies and rainbows?)

"You're not a witch, but a BITCH!" shouted Lois. "Hey, did you notice that witch and bitch almost sound the same?"

"Enough chitchat!" shouted Meg "Lorraine, my dear sister, take the body I offer you, and come to life once more!"

(Bhaal: When somebody says something like "Once More" I can't help but wonder how many times this dumb broad has died. That's weirder than-)

(Material: Nope.)

(Bhaal: But I-)

(Material: Don't care.)

End Episode